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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want your child to cuddle mine after just hurting them?

187 replies

RocketInMyPocket · 27/01/2015 11:52

I have a really good friend, she's lovely to be around, but when it comes to the kids some things give me the rage.
Her dd is 6 months older than mine, and can sometimes be a bit spiteful (snatching pushing smacking) . My dd will be 4 in August, hers 4 in Feb.
I have taught my kids from an early age that any violent behaviour is simply not acceptable, and they don't hit snatch pinch etc.
So her dd smacked mine over a toy. My dd was crying, saying 'Mummy, x smacked me', her dd lied and said she didn't even though we saw her. When I said, X, I saw you do it, she proceeded to scream bloody murder.
My friend picked her daughter up, said ok calm down, give Rockets dd a cuddle and say sorry. She was screaming, shaking her head no, lashing out with arms and legs.
The say sorry part was quickly dropped, and was just turned into give a cuddle.
At that point she tried to cuddle my dd, (who had stopped crying by now, but was still sniffling on my lap), and my dd immediately started crying again as soon as she came near her.
Friend said oh she's trying to be nice to you and give you a cuddle to say sorry. And pulled at sad face at my dd. I said something along the lines of, sorry dd only cuddles people who are nice to her, not people who hit her and make her cry.
Friend kind of gave me an odd look, put her dd down and said, oh well she doesn't want a cuddle.
I was just so fucked off that she put the onus on MY dd, pulling sad faces etc when she hadn't even mentioned her dds hitting, lying and then thrashing and screaming apart from saying basically go and upset the girl you've just walloped by making her cuddle you when she quite frankly doesn't want you near her.
Friend left soon after.
What would you have done? I enjoy my friends company obviously, but don't really want her dd near my two, as it's not an isolated incident, and my 2 get a bit confused when she behaves badly, and nothing is done, when they would obviously be punished.
Sorry for such long winded post, but I hope you understand what I'm saying!

OP posts:
jonicomelately · 27/01/2015 12:34

You seem very intolerant slithytove

Chilicosrenegade · 27/01/2015 12:34

This one sums it up for me.

"Friends child was encouraged to apologise and hug and make up. And you encouraged your Dd to throw it back in her face. Good luck for the future."

slithytove · 27/01/2015 12:36

oh come on picture the scenario

Your child is crying cos slightly older child has hit her. Not for the first time.
child is not sorry.
Mum is forcing child to cuddle your child. Who is crying even more. In fear?
Mum tells your child to accept the cuddling and pulls faces.

And op is wrong for saying no she doesn't cuddle people who hit her?

Good lesson for the other mum that sometimes hitting upsets other people and can't be smoothed over with a cuddle. I'm sure if it were a one off it wouldn't have been this upsetting.

ChippingInLatteLover · 27/01/2015 12:36

You did the right thing pointing out you had seen her hitting DD. Tough luck if she didn't like it.

You friend was wrong. She should have told her DD off for hitting and told her they'd have to leave if she couldn't behave properly. I would have apologised to your DD for my DD hurting her.

Your response about DD only cuddling etc... Was a tad much. I'd have just said 'DD doesn't want a cuddle right now, thank you'.

slithytove · 27/01/2015 12:37

Intolerant of what joni

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2015 12:37

When he was younger I would just step in and say to the child 'ahh that's ok, but thanks for trying'.

I used to say something similiar like, "He's still upset right now but I'm sure he'll calm down and realise you're sorry".

Thurlow · 27/01/2015 12:39

child is not sorry

But most children aren't immediately sorry. They want the toy. They grab the toy. Other child cries. So what? They've got the toy they wanted.

Apologising is learning process that you, as the parent, need to teach them. They have to gradually learn that you need to apologise, and to understand that the other child is upset, and to learn that isn't nice and start feeling sorry both for the child and then feeling sorry for their behaviour.

MoanCollins · 27/01/2015 12:40

I don't think she should have forced her child to cuddle the other child. But I don't think she should have refused the way she did. Saying something along the lines of 'DD doesn't want to cuddle you now because being hit frightens and upsets her and it has made her feel scared'. The way the OP seems to have phrased it made it seem very personal and attacking the child rather than letting her know her actions were wrong.

louisejxxx · 27/01/2015 12:40

I'm not sure you were right to make such a snide comment to a 3 year old. At least your friend tried to make amends - the only thing I would have done differently to her is possibly apologise to you/your dd once it was apparent my dd was not going to. She may have been punished later and you are none the wiser..I certainly wouldn't have expected a big telling off to ensue over 1 smack.

Thurlow · 27/01/2015 12:40

He's still upset right now but I'm sure he'll calm down and realise you're sorry - Exactly. You don't need to force anyone to be hugged but you thank the other child for offering.

slithytove · 27/01/2015 12:41

worra

Op said something like sorry dd only cuddles people who are nice to her, not people who hit her and make her cry

So is it just the nice part you take issue with? I can understand that. It's more the hitting part I'm focusing on.

I think people need to remember this isn't the first time. Surely there is an element even at this young age, that you don't keep accepting apologies for the same hurtfuk behaviour if you don't want to?

In the same way the older girl is only (nearly) 4, ops daughter is only 3.5. A lot to teach her that she has to interact after an apology. And it sounds like she didn't even get one?

ChippingInLatteLover · 27/01/2015 12:42

The other child didn't apologise. She's plenty old enough to say 'I'm sorry I hit you'. Of course getting them to do it is a whole different ball game. But don't pull the sad faces and accuse the ops dd of 'throwing it back in her face' when the other little girl didn't apologise. An unwanted 'hug' given against her will is not an apology.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 27/01/2015 12:42

There was actually a little girl at DS1's playgroup who would regularly hit and push and then just automatically give the other child a kiss 'to say sorry'. Her mum seemed to think this was hilarious and cute.

In the end I would just intervene whenever I saw her approaching DS1 and make sure she didn't get too close!

slithytove · 27/01/2015 12:43

The other girl wasn't sorry though! It was just about a cuddle.

I can understand not snubbing a child who was sorry they had made someone cry or had been told off.

slithytove · 27/01/2015 12:43

Yes chipping put far better than I did across several posts!

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2015 12:47

Of course the child wasn't sorry, but at least the Mum attempted to get her to say it.

You can't force anyone to be genuinely sorry and let's face it, the child was having a tantrum "My friend picked her daughter up, said ok calm down, give Rockets dd a cuddle and say sorry. She was screaming, shaking her head no, lashing out with arms and legs."

It sounds to me as though the Mum did what she could at the time. She didn't need a snide comment to make her feel worse.

That on its own wouldn't be so bad, but the OP's attitude in general to her own parenting, comes across as rather smug.

yellowdinosauragain · 27/01/2015 12:48

I'm with slithy and chipping too

Original poster
RocketInMyPocket · 27/01/2015 12:50

Thanks for the replies guys, It's good to hear other peoples opinions.
I think my major issue with her is not doing anything apart from making her child say sorry?
Personally I would have done a time out followed by a 'we don't hit our friends, how would you feel' type convo, but appreciate different people do things differently.
As I've said it's not a one off, it's usually she will hurt one of mine, mum will insist on her saying sorry, she wont, then nothing.
This is the first time I've said anything so to speak, I would usually give a generic, 'right let's all be friends, lets play with the whatever'.
I think tbh, when I said what I did, I was expecting a nod, or an agreement or something, not a funny look and and 'oh well, she doesn't want to', which as I said, felt to me like she was putting the onus on MY dd.
She may well have had a chat with her after, but I've never seen her do anything other than 'insist' on an apology which never actually happens (I'll get an 'she hates saying sorry, she's so stubborn' smile, then it's all forgotten).
Just feel a bit like whatever you're doing, it's clearly not working, as she's not stopping.
In terms of them having to learn about different parenting styles, I wasn't talking about in general. Of course they have to learn that. I just meant specifically that they can't understand why she's 'allowed' to hurt them, and not be punished?
I hope I'm making sense?

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 27/01/2015 12:51

So the aggressor does not have to apologise and the victim is supposed to submit to being cuddled against her will?

The nearly 4 year old should have said sorry. It's perfectly understandable OPs daughter didn't want to be cuddled by a child who'd nicked her toy, hit her and then had a screaming tantrum.

The child should have said sorry. And her mother should have said sorry too. trying to brush it all away with a cuddle when OPs DD was still distraught and probably fearful wasn't constructive.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 27/01/2015 12:53

I agree entirely with slithytove's post at 12.36.

Both my dc recoil if forced to hug someone who's just thumped them and I resent the emotional blackmailing from other parents. Just because you're offering cuddles doesn't make your child immediately the innocent party.

SlurpingCustard · 27/01/2015 12:53

Urgh I hate the forced false toddler/young child apology cuddle. It's right up there with the shrugged shoulder forced 'sorreeeyyy'.

Original poster
RocketInMyPocket · 27/01/2015 12:55

And also, my comment certainly wasn't said in a 'snidey' way, just in a very honest way. She genuinely clearly didn't want a cuddle, and I explained exactly why. Not sure why that's snidey?

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 27/01/2015 12:57

Skimmed thread, but i wouldn't 'make' my DC cuddle or allow herself to be cuddled by an un-remorseful someone who had just upset her either. Why should she? I wouldn't feel like cuddling someone who had just clouted me and therefore wouldn't expect my DC to.

Weather or not i would have the guts to actually say so is another matter.

I think would have just held DD and said 'no it's ok, she doesn't want a cuddle she's upset, but she'll come and play again in a minute.'

DeanKoontz · 27/01/2015 12:59

rocket if you like your friends company. but your dc's don't like her dd's company, then you should see your friend on her own for a while. Suggest evenings out etc for the two of you to continue your friendship and give all the kids a break. Try it again over summer perhaps.

It sounds like none of the kids particularly liked each other, and there's nothing to say that they have to, just because the adults get on well.

BMO · 27/01/2015 12:59

I think forcing small children to apologise is pretty pointless anyway - they don't feel sorry, and pretty soon lots learn that they can smack whoever they like so long as they follow it up with a "sorry".

I would have said something like "DD doesn't want a cuddle because you hurt her" as it's a bit more straightforward but I don't really see the problem with what you said.

If one of mine hit another child they'd have to sit out for a bit. Consequence of not playing nicely = you don't get to play. Repeat offence and we go home.