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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want your child to cuddle mine after just hurting them?

187 replies

RocketInMyPocket · 27/01/2015 11:52

I have a really good friend, she's lovely to be around, but when it comes to the kids some things give me the rage.
Her dd is 6 months older than mine, and can sometimes be a bit spiteful (snatching pushing smacking) . My dd will be 4 in August, hers 4 in Feb.
I have taught my kids from an early age that any violent behaviour is simply not acceptable, and they don't hit snatch pinch etc.
So her dd smacked mine over a toy. My dd was crying, saying 'Mummy, x smacked me', her dd lied and said she didn't even though we saw her. When I said, X, I saw you do it, she proceeded to scream bloody murder.
My friend picked her daughter up, said ok calm down, give Rockets dd a cuddle and say sorry. She was screaming, shaking her head no, lashing out with arms and legs.
The say sorry part was quickly dropped, and was just turned into give a cuddle.
At that point she tried to cuddle my dd, (who had stopped crying by now, but was still sniffling on my lap), and my dd immediately started crying again as soon as she came near her.
Friend said oh she's trying to be nice to you and give you a cuddle to say sorry. And pulled at sad face at my dd. I said something along the lines of, sorry dd only cuddles people who are nice to her, not people who hit her and make her cry.
Friend kind of gave me an odd look, put her dd down and said, oh well she doesn't want a cuddle.
I was just so fucked off that she put the onus on MY dd, pulling sad faces etc when she hadn't even mentioned her dds hitting, lying and then thrashing and screaming apart from saying basically go and upset the girl you've just walloped by making her cuddle you when she quite frankly doesn't want you near her.
Friend left soon after.
What would you have done? I enjoy my friends company obviously, but don't really want her dd near my two, as it's not an isolated incident, and my 2 get a bit confused when she behaves badly, and nothing is done, when they would obviously be punished.
Sorry for such long winded post, but I hope you understand what I'm saying!

OP posts:
Metalguru · 27/01/2015 13:00

Yanbu. There is a world of difference between, "only cuddles nice people" and "only cuddles people who are nice to her, not hit her and make her cry." The OP said the latter, many up thread have misquoted her and taken her words out of context. The child is me four, in 8 months she will be in full time reception class, this is the right time for her to be learning the consequences of her actions. OP, you did nothing wrong IMO, but I also feel the other mum wasn't really at fault, sounds like she was doing her best in the circumstances. It is annoying when your child is constantly being hurt by the same child, but it's also grad parenting that child who is hitting.

Thurlow · 27/01/2015 13:01

The problem is, time outs are pretty divisive as a parenting tool.

We use time outs but I'm not sure I would have gone to an automatic time out in the situation you describe, though I probably would have done one the tantrum hit to try and help the toddler calm down.

You can decide not to spend time with a parent/child because you don't feel it is working, which might seem to be the case here.

But it's a bit different making that decision based purely on parenting and discipline styles, unless you feel its completely undermining the relationship and your child is suffering (as in, always being hit)

Plenty of parents would see this the other way around. We had good friends over the other day who don't do time outs or anything like that. DD started throwing toys. I warned her not to, she did it again. I put DD outside the room for a time out and went back to chat and the atmosphere was painfully awkward until I went and fetched DD. They were probably judging in the exact opposite way ("I can't believe Thurlow put her DD in time out for throwing a few toys on the floor!")

FATEdestiny · 27/01/2015 13:01

Learning resilience is equally as important as learning not to be aggressive.

Ergo both girls have things to learn yet. They are still young.

This is a mountain out of a mole hill over the OPs need to have their parenting style labelled as the right way.

Child hit another child. Chile cried. Child tried to apologise in her way. Apology not accepted.

Shame, unhappy situation, but very easy move-on-able from.

ThesaurusJones · 27/01/2015 13:02

Oh god OP welcome to the world of other people's parenting. There will be loads more where this came from!

Posters are right that this is normal behaviour for a 3yo and the fact that yours don't hit is probably just good luck. You can be the best parent ever and still have a wilful or violent 3yo.

However, I'm with you in that I can't stand it when people don't deal with their kids' behaviour. You can't prevent a child hitting, but you can make clear to them that it's not on, make them apologise, or if they won't, apologise on their behalf. You can make clear to the victim that you recognise it happened and they minded.

The compulsory cuddle would have got my back up too and I don't think your DD should have to go along with it. Your response was maybe a bit snippy but by then you were pissed off so understandable. You were making a point.

And you're right the hardest thing about this is what do you do when you're with other kids and they get away with hitting and other crappy behaviour and your kids don't? It is really confusing and whatever you do or say it can cause discord between the adults.

ElsaMoFoQueen · 27/01/2015 13:04

Mum tells your child to accept the cuddling and pulls faces.

my dd immediately started crying again as soon as she came near her. Friend said oh she's trying to be nice to you and give you a cuddle to say sorry. And pulled at sad face at my dd

Perhaps she was just explaining what her child was trying to do as the other child was crying and maybe didn't understand.

DearTeddyRobinson · 27/01/2015 13:08

FFS what is with all this hand wringing? OP was perfectly correct to point out that her DD (and most people) only like to hug those who are nice to them. Why on earth should DD have to tolerate violence then pretend to be fine with it?
OP your friend sounds wet, smacking another child should have consequences beyond sitting on Mummy's knee

Goldmandra · 27/01/2015 13:10

as you said yourself, 3yrs old is old enough to know that hitting is wrong.

She is old enough to understand it if someone actually tells her!

lambsie · 27/01/2015 13:14

Some 3 year olds don't understand. Mine probably didn't understand it hurt.

jonicomelately · 27/01/2015 13:25

Have I read this correctly? A poster has referred to a pair of three year olds as 'aggressor' and 'victim.'

Give me strength...

slithytove · 27/01/2015 13:26

She is 3 and 11 months, maybe more.

I'd call that 4. Big difference in understanding hitting is wrong.

Ds tantrums if he is told off. In this scenario I'd have made my apologies to op and apologies on behalf of my child to op dd. I'd have then left, explaining that hitting and tantrums = home time.

I wouldn't have given an oh well smile, or told op dd that mine just wanted to say sorry.

I think op friend was wrong. Sometimes it's not different parenting styles, sometimes people just get it wrong. Trick is not to repeat it.

slithytove · 27/01/2015 13:27

I mean come on, Ds is 22 months and knows hitting is wrong!

MrsTawdry · 27/01/2015 13:34

Is this your first child? To be honest what you said was unnecessary...it really was. You could have put it in a nicer way "She is still sad and doesn't feel like a cuddle at the moment but thank you for offering" would have been FAR more appropriate.

Innocuoususername · 27/01/2015 13:35

OP while your response was not brilliant (I don't think it's fair to label a 4 year old as not nice, her behaviour maybe, but not her) your friend was in the wrong here. She appears to be teaching her child that you can treat people however you like then make it up with an apology and cuddle.
She's also out of order for trying to guilt trip your DD into accepting the cuddle. Nobody should feel that they have to accept physical "affection", and that included 4 year olds.

Sarsparilla · 27/01/2015 13:36

Both adults here sound as bad as each other to me.

Other mum for not reprimanding her own DD.

You for your massively passive aggressive comment to a 3 year old. You are the adult and should have said something a bit more neutral, and tried to facilitate things a bit - which to be fair it sounds like the other mum was trying to do.

I get that you are annoyed, but you shouldn't be saying snide things like that.

Either come out with it straight, to friends' DD, and tell her off there and then in a straightforward fashion if you think she needs to be told off.

Or let friend deal with it in her own way.

Don't criticise in a passive-aggressive way, it's awful. You could have just said "I think DD is still sad, and she doesn't want a cuddle yet". Not "DD only cuddles people who are nice to her".
You are basically saying that the other child has no possible way of making up for her behaviour.

MrsTawdry · 27/01/2015 13:36

And want to add...I am not a fan of telling kids to give kisses and cuddles. They should be offered on instinct not on order. I often tell friend's children "I'ts ok...you don't have to" when they've been told "Kiss Tawdry goodbye" or "Give Tawdry a hug!" especially when they've been told more than once! I'm not physically demonstrative and kids sense that...so they don't tend to offer them.

You were right to not make DD hug but need to be gentler to other kids verbally even if they have just thumped yours...I know it's hard. Been there with my DC.

TooHasty · 27/01/2015 13:37

YANBU. they are no longer babies or toddlers.Your friends DD is all but 4!
This type of behaviour would not be tolerated at school

lambsie · 27/01/2015 13:37

My son is 8 and is only just beginning to understand that it is wrong. He has registered for a couple of years that people don't like it but I'm not convinced he knew why.

TooHasty · 27/01/2015 13:47

I said something along the lines of, sorry dd only cuddles people who are nice to her, not people who hit her and make her cry

How is that passive aggressive? Your are telling it like it is.Your DD doesn't want to cuddle someone who has just walloped her.Fair enough.I really do some people think we live in Disneyworld.
Also I think your DD was milking it for all she was worth!!

lambsie · 27/01/2015 13:49

My son is in many ways developmentally younger than 22 months. Age tells you nothing about understanding.

Goldmandra · 27/01/2015 13:51

My son is 8 and is only just beginning to understand that it is wrong. He has registered for a couple of years that people don't like it but I'm not convinced he knew why.

My actual words which were slightly twisted were:

A three year old is mature enough to understand that hitting is unacceptable and be told she would have to go home if it happened again.

Children don't need the full empathetic and philosophical experience in order to understand what is considered to be acceptable behaviour.

slithytove · 27/01/2015 13:51

Op didn't say people who are not nice

stillwearingaredribbon · 27/01/2015 13:52

She should have thrashed her so your dd could see the punishment

slithytove · 27/01/2015 13:53

sar

She isn't saying that at all. She is saying dd doesn't want a cuddle.

I'm sure an apology from the other child or mum would have helped

slithytove · 27/01/2015 13:54

That directed at me lamb ?

Ok, so a developmentally average, nt child, at 4 years old, i would expect to understand that hitting is wrong - certainly when they are told off for it.

Original poster
RocketInMyPocket · 27/01/2015 13:58

Ok, I think I see where people are coming from re the comment.
In my defence I said 'who are nice to her', and not 'who are nice'.
I'd assumed that it was clear I meant that her behaviour hadn't been nice, not that SHE wasn't nice.
So are people saying it was the phrasing that was wrong rather than the comment?
Or that I shouldn't have said anything at all?
Like I said I usually do the 'right let's be friends' thing, and distract with random new game/activity, but just felt this time I had to say something because dd was clearly scared, and I didn't want her to think she HAD to accept this cuddle, the sad face was probably what tipped it.
I understand that they are still young, but I do disagree with the poster who said my dd has to learn resilience, as I don't think resilience necessarily equates to blind acceptance if that makes sense?
And no, she's not my first, I have DS who is 5.6, so no 'PFB' syndrome if that's why you asked?

OP posts: