to call the police on a 15 year old?

[LaLyra]

My stepson is 15. In September he got himself a girlfriend, it lasted two weeks because she was "too clingy" (wanted to spend ALL their time together and gave him tonnes of grief if he had something else to do). He also confided in his older cousin that she wanted to move the relationship on too quickly for his liking.

Anyway since they split up she has been a pain. She texts him constantly, he's had to change his number twice. She took to hanging around outside of our house and only stopped when I took to ringing her parents every time she appeared. She got in trouble in school for annoying him at breaks and lunchtime. Her parents seem to have tried - they've grounded her several times, taken her phone from her for a week here and there, stopped her using the internet at home etc, but she's completely ignored everyone.

I've just had a call from DS asking me to pick him up after his swimming club. He normally gets the bus, but she and her best friend have turned up there. They've been asked to leave for cheering for him loudly despite the fact he's not racing or anything. He's mortified and is worried she's going to get on the same bus. If he does encounter her personally she either bursts into floods of tears, begging him to take her back or she shouts abuse at him.

I've had enough now. School have tried and her parents seem to have tried, but nothing has worked. I had hoped that the break over Christmas would help her move on. We were away visiting relatives over the holiday and he enjoyed being able to go out places with his cousins without worry about her turning up.

So would I be harsh in saying enough is enough and calling the police?

I doubt the school is that easily identifiable. This is not a unique situation unfortunately.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Her daughter was bullied constantly by a group of boys. The school were informed but blamed her, saying she was just shy and needed to make friends who could support her!! Eventually one of the boys threatened her with a knife.
My friend went to the police. The next day her daughter came home to say that her head of year had arranged a meeting where both parties could sit down together and make friends. I mean, wtf, make friends with someone who had pulled a knife on her.?Anyway, my friend went to the school to attend the meeting and support her daughter. They would not let her in under any circumstances. When she asked for details of their bullying policy and contact numbers for the school governors, they marched off and left her mid speech.
After months of such treatment my friend moved her daughter to another school. The Head wrote her a letter when she was leaving, it just said " Good luck, you will need it."
Sadly I don't think this is unusual. Once the police were involved the school seemed to galvanise into blaming the victim.

I hope it's all going ok. The HoY is over reaching massively. I hope you can get him to wind his neck back in.

No way should your son be forced sit down and sort it out with his stalker! Shocking suggestion. Talk about giving the stalker legitimacy and an equal platform for her to play out her own issues ..., with the HoY encouraging her. Ffs.

Bet he says crap like 'there's fault on both sides' and 'it's never just one way' and makes them both shake hands. Can you imagine your poor ds forced into agreeing or having to touch her! Ugh! I'm so cross on your behalf!

I agree with w everyone that HoY is being astonishing. It's really. Really troubling that he thinks that is appropriate to have them around a table - absolutely goes against how stalking needs to be handled. I really hope that the school responds showing that they realise they now need to follow the police lead on this.

...and just to add, a HoY-mediated round table isn't helpful for the girl either - I think everyone agrees she needs some emotional support (eg camhs) with recognising how inappropriate she has been and finding better ways to handle emotions, for her sake, and it sounds like the gentle police intervention was good progress in that regard - this round table just undermines that for her too.

How has your weekend been OP, have you had any problems with the girl? Did you manage to sort something out with the school? I hope you're all ok.

What happened on friday op? Really hoping that this is being handled better by school.

Just want to say that you are an amazing mum. What a lucky DSS to have you fighting his corner

How did the meeting go, OP?

Sorry I didn't get back sooner. Crazy weekend with a birthday celebration in the midst of the madness.

Friday was a disaster. Year Head enraged me to the point of hanging up on him.

Weekend was a disaster with the girl's friends taking to social media to have a go at DS.

We're having a meeting tomorrow - police, me (hopefully DH might get home from work on time - he works away so it's not easy MIL is on standby to come with if I feel I want back up. FIL babysitting), her parents and school (Year Head and Deputy Head). I have spoken to Deputy Head and have pretty much told the school I don't want Year Head dealing with DS at all unless there is a rapid change in attitude because he clearly thinks this is two kids having a squabble.

Before that meeting one of the PC's is attending the assembly to read the riot act to the kids about the ramifications of social media bullying and also to talk to them about harassment.

I have no idea what will happen next, but DS knows he's done nothing wrong. He's annoyed now because he feels that if he was following her around in the dark then a lot more would be done, which I can't tell him he's wrong about as I feel the same.

I don't feel that DS is lucky - I think most folks would do the same. With him I always think I'm the lucky. He's a good kid and whilst he's a normal stroppy teenager at times he's never played the 'not my mum' card. The only time that ever comes up is if he's picking on his sisters because I gave birth/"got landed" with them, but I "chose" to be his Mum.

Bizarrely the only other time it comes up is when I have to remind the school every sodding time anything needs signed/done that I do have PR for him. They always forget and want DH to sign stuff.

Thanks for all the help and suggestions. They are much appreciated.

You DS is lucky though, he has a mum who is supporting him every step of the way, all children should be able expect that but unfortunately many don't receive that level of backing.

I hope the next meeting goes well.

I have never understood cyber-bullying, I'm too old and my children are too young. But, this thread has given me an insight into how weird teenagers can be. If I hadn't second-hand experienced it, I wouldn't have believed it.

Oh op

Good luck tomorrow- I really hope this puts an end to it for you.

But how many parents (step or not) are that much on the ball? I wouldn't have thought many parents don't want to back their children up. I'd have thought that they just have no vague clue what's going on (plus teenagers can be secretive) This case has been literally out in the open.

And the girl's behaviour makes no sense. If teenagers are doing technological stuff + stuff which makes no sense, what hope do normal parents have?

Andro Sadly I do realise some children don't get that support. My own parents were appalling. I suppose I just (perhaps naively) hope that most kids would have their parents in the corner on such a black and white issue.

I don't understand her at all. In the beginning it seemed to be about 'winning' DS back. Then I wondered if they were trying to drive him out of the school perhaps? But still there is pleas to come back to her. I don't understand her at all.

To be fair he couldn't have kept it secret. Even the most unobservant person couldn't miss a teenage girl screeching at their windows on a nightly basis!

What her friends are up to I have no idea. They seem to think DS is being mean to her by getting the police involved.

Oh LaLyra, I do hope you get a positive outcome at the meeting. I think you sitting down with her parents is a good thing, this must be a nightmare for them too. Hope you manage to solve it somehow, poor DS.

Best of luck with the meeting. Having spoken to her parents about her behaviour before do you get the feeling that they are going to sort her out or be total crapbags about it?

Tbh Badgers I think they might be like me - totally out of their depth and no real clue what to do. They've tried. I don't think they've ignored it at all. They've grounded her, taken her phone away, stopped her going to clubs, stopped her using the internet and whenever I phoned them they were always straight down to get her. When her Dad told her she was going to end up getting herself arrested it seemed more end of tether worried than just pissed off because they'd had to come out.

I think she's just not listening and I'm not entirely sure how you make a teenager listen if they are determined no to do so?

You sound like a brilliant mum and I think the way you have handled this is to be commended.

Oh dear. Glad you have a meeting set up tomorrow with all parties and the police involved. I really hope it goes well and she comes to her senses.

Good luck.

Poor you, LaLyra, and well done for standing your ground. It IS hard to understand because it is not rational behaviour. She has, most likely, a psychiatric illness which means that her actions will not make sense to others. There are no easy links that I know of as it's still mostly in academic works but the recognition of stalking as a symptom of diagnosable mental illness in the DSM and its various forms is a thriving bit of psychiatric research right now. She needs to be treated, not minimised or ignored.

Thank goodness that her parents seem to be keen to get things sorted!