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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call the police on a 15 year old?

252 replies

LaLyra · 26/01/2015 19:06

My stepson is 15. In September he got himself a girlfriend, it lasted two weeks because she was "too clingy" (wanted to spend ALL their time together and gave him tonnes of grief if he had something else to do). He also confided in his older cousin that she wanted to move the relationship on too quickly for his liking.

Anyway since they split up she has been a pain. She texts him constantly, he's had to change his number twice. She took to hanging around outside of our house and only stopped when I took to ringing her parents every time she appeared. She got in trouble in school for annoying him at breaks and lunchtime. Her parents seem to have tried - they've grounded her several times, taken her phone from her for a week here and there, stopped her using the internet at home etc, but she's completely ignored everyone.

I've just had a call from DS asking me to pick him up after his swimming club. He normally gets the bus, but she and her best friend have turned up there. They've been asked to leave for cheering for him loudly despite the fact he's not racing or anything. He's mortified and is worried she's going to get on the same bus. If he does encounter her personally she either bursts into floods of tears, begging him to take her back or she shouts abuse at him.

I've had enough now. School have tried and her parents seem to have tried, but nothing has worked. I had hoped that the break over Christmas would help her move on. We were away visiting relatives over the holiday and he enjoyed being able to go out places with his cousins without worry about her turning up.

So would I be harsh in saying enough is enough and calling the police?

OP posts:
BonkersAsConkers · 29/01/2015 21:51

Op I think you have fine the right thing. You sound like a great mum. Keep strong for tomorrow.

CrapBag · 29/01/2015 21:53

Oh FFs Butterfly. You have no idea what you are talking about so don't bother.

OP, take no notice. Luckily the people who can see the situation for what it is are the ones who's opinions matter. You are absolutely doing the right thing by your DSS and you are doing a great job of it. I totally agree with up not letting him go to this stupid meeting. School had their chance and they blew it so you did the right thing in taking it further.

Good luck for tomorrow.

lightbulbsarehot · 29/01/2015 21:55

Ffs at year head

soontobemumofthree · 29/01/2015 22:09

Definitely agree with you phoning police. Time for sitting them down in a meeting in school has passed . . I'd say a good while ago. HOV is making me mad! I think you and DS have been v patient and reasonable so far but I wouldn't let him go to the meeting unless this is what police advise.

Jux · 29/01/2015 22:20

HoY sounds so like dd's HoY that I wondered if they were one and the same. He has been useless and incompetent in this matter so far. It seems like he is so incompetent that he doesn't realise how incompetent he actually is. I imagine he has visions of himself being the white knight who is going to solve it all to great applause and instant promotion.

The fact that he has no idea about what is appropriate action doesn't enter his head at all. I hope the Community Bobbies have a word with him about interference, and how they now have to waste time talking to him on top of everything else.

Very sensible to keep dss off tomorrow. Hope that the PCs get it sorted; and I hope that whoever has taken over the Head's duties is sensible about it all. Strongly worded letter of complaint is required too, I think; you need it to be in writing as well as having an uncompromising conversation with the Deputy.

chocogirl77 · 29/01/2015 22:26

You may also want the contact details of the school governors for this, it sounds like a safeguarding issue that the SMT aren't treating with the gravity it deserves. If the HOY needs to do anything, it's consult with the officers handling the case on how best to support your dss through such a difficult time.

Noodledoodledoo · 29/01/2015 22:31

It might be worth asking to speak to the person with responsibility for Child Protection - by default the head but it is often delegated and there will be more than one person so they should be able to speak to you in the morning - normally someone with a light timetable.

Really hope you get things sorted out - it might be worth asking the police to tell the HoY the meeting is not a good idea - based on what you said earlier about the HoY.

Noodledoodledoo · 29/01/2015 22:53

Sorry correct term is safeguarding. Tell them you do not want this meeting to go ahead at all. They have an obligation to all students. I ageee keep him home till you have confirmation it won't occur.

Original poster
LaLyra · 29/01/2015 23:13

Thank you everyone. It's reassuring to know I'm not over-reacting to him (and it's so good to have a venting outlet when DH is away!)

Jux Delusions of grandeur sums him up perfectly.

I had planned just to keep him off tomorrow morning until I spoke to someone, but I've spoken to DH and I'm keeping him off all day. I want a meeting with someone at the school on Monday, when DH will be home and MIL available to babysit, to sort this out.

I want this taken out of Year Head's hands and I want a firm guarantee that Ds won't be put in a position of having to speak to her at all and than any intervention or plan or occasion that sees that change will be discussed with us first.

It'll also give me a chance to see what the police think, and also to see how things go over the weekend. Swimming tonight was, thankfully, uneventful.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaLyra · 29/01/2015 23:14

Good point about the safeguarding noodle I will find out who their nominated person. Even if it is the Head she's been off for a while so there should be a stand in.

OP posts:
Noodledoodledoo · 29/01/2015 23:30

If it's a large secondary I would hope there would be two people as it must be covered at all times.

wheresthelight · 29/01/2015 23:32

sounds very sensible!! your ds is very lucky to have a step mum who cares so much about him and is willing to go into battle for him!

I had a similar issue when at high school and I have to say the school were the ones who contacted the police and insisted that everything went through them rather than the school as they were fully aware that it had gone far beyond their remit.

the police will hope that by turning up on the girls doorstep they will have out the fear of God into her and that will be enough to out a stop to it. unfortunately I don't think it will longer term so be prepared to have to keep going back to them! tell your ds he is a very brave young man and he should be very proud of himself

MoanCollins · 29/01/2015 23:51

Lyra, totally support you in what you're doing and I think you've been brilliant with this. One word of caution though: I think this thread has got very, very identifiable. And considering this is probably the talk of the school at the moment I wouldn't be surprised if one or two mothers or teachers had recognised the school.

I think it could seriously weaken your hand with the school if it got out that the whole episode had been played out through Mumsnet. I know it was done with the best of intentions on your part because you couldn't foresee the way it would pan out and that it would end up being critical of the school. If I was you I'd ask for it to be zapped and then come back in a few weeks to update when it's all calmed down.

musicalendorphins2 · 30/01/2015 02:38

You are doing the right thing. This girl is obviously troubled, doesn't listen to what people are telling her, and needs professional help. I would have called the police even sooner, from what you have told us.

I think you are smart keeping him home, and making sure that Year Head is told to stay out of it. Good luck!

sykadelic · 30/01/2015 04:19

Just adding my voice to the chorus of you're doing the right thing. She's obviously got issues and maybe this will be the push that helps her get help. Obsessing like this simply isn't normal. Not for this length of time. There's got to be more to it.

I do feel sorry for her that whatever is up with her is causing her to act this way, but that doesn't excuse what she's doing at all. If someone else is ill it's not a pass to do whatever they want. I'm glad the OP is getting help for her DSS.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 30/01/2015 04:45

Good luck today. I think you're doing exactly the right thing Flowers

TheresAcatOnMyIpad · 30/01/2015 06:53

A teacher here adding my voice to those saying you have done the right thing and good luck today.

WitchWay · 30/01/2015 07:32

Definitely doing the right thing. As for the "poor girl", she may well have problems but that isn't your concern.

halestone · 30/01/2015 07:54

I hope you manage to find someone else in the school who will give your son the support he needs. I am disgusted in the HOY. Maybe a letter of complaint to the School Guvernors (sp?) about his handling of the situation may stop him doing it.

Thehedgehogsong · 30/01/2015 08:24

Another teacher here saying you're doing the right thing. That HoY needs taking down a peg, some get like that, and I find them infuriating!

Mynewnamenotyours · 30/01/2015 08:35

Just seen this. You did the right thing OP, you had tried all the gently methods and nothing was working.

Good luck to you in resolving it.

TooSpotty · 30/01/2015 08:38

What a difficult situation for your poor son.

I've worked professionally on stalkers and mental health issues, and the advice for those on the receiving end is always to offer no response at all and to let the authorities do the talking. The meeting the HoY proposed is extremely ill-advised as it adds legitimacy to the stalker's behaviour - it turns the situation back into a two-way thing in which your son is forced to give a response. You are doing absolutely the right thing, and the police need to handle this with the school.

Perfectlypurple · 30/01/2015 08:39

You did absolutely the right thing and I am someone who doesn't like to involve the police for every little thing and criminalise police. I don't see how butterfly can think you did the wrong this. You tried her parents, the school and nothing worked. It is natural for a 15 year old to be upset at a boyfriend finishing with her. It is not natural to react the way she has. If she does have my issues then maybe her parents should be getting her help for this.

Hope it all works out ok op.

wheresthelight · 30/01/2015 09:38

have you heard from the school this morning?

TwatFaceBitch · 30/01/2015 14:24

Hope thinks are going well today, and HOY realises he has to back off and leave it to the police now.

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