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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call the police on a 15 year old?

252 replies

LaLyra · 26/01/2015 19:06

My stepson is 15. In September he got himself a girlfriend, it lasted two weeks because she was "too clingy" (wanted to spend ALL their time together and gave him tonnes of grief if he had something else to do). He also confided in his older cousin that she wanted to move the relationship on too quickly for his liking.

Anyway since they split up she has been a pain. She texts him constantly, he's had to change his number twice. She took to hanging around outside of our house and only stopped when I took to ringing her parents every time she appeared. She got in trouble in school for annoying him at breaks and lunchtime. Her parents seem to have tried - they've grounded her several times, taken her phone from her for a week here and there, stopped her using the internet at home etc, but she's completely ignored everyone.

I've just had a call from DS asking me to pick him up after his swimming club. He normally gets the bus, but she and her best friend have turned up there. They've been asked to leave for cheering for him loudly despite the fact he's not racing or anything. He's mortified and is worried she's going to get on the same bus. If he does encounter her personally she either bursts into floods of tears, begging him to take her back or she shouts abuse at him.

I've had enough now. School have tried and her parents seem to have tried, but nothing has worked. I had hoped that the break over Christmas would help her move on. We were away visiting relatives over the holiday and he enjoyed being able to go out places with his cousins without worry about her turning up.

So would I be harsh in saying enough is enough and calling the police?

OP posts:
Original poster
LaLyra · 29/01/2015 19:07

butterflywings Poor girl?

Wtf was I actually supposed to do?

Let her continue harassing MY CHILD indefinitely?

Did you actually read what I said? She verbally abuses him. Screaming in his face. Nasty, horrible vile things. Things that he walks away from. That's when he doesn't have to deal with hysterical melt downs.

She humiliates him publicly - at school, in the street, on the bus, at his football club, at the swimming...

SINCE SEPTEMBER!

But hey, it's fine. Ds isn't affected by it.... I'm sure ALL children dream of moving house [out of the house that has been his home for his ENTIRE life - the home that his late mother chose] and moving school [school where ALL of his friends are, where he's on the football team and the rugby team].

I'm sure ALL 15 year old boys that are almost 6 foot phone their Mum for a lift home from swimming because they are intimidated.

Plus I don't "only have DS side of the story". I have his friends. I have his swimming coach who had to kick her out of the leisure centre. I have his football coach who had to tell her to leave. I have the school who, as shit as they are atm, actually acknowledged in October and December that she was causing problems. I have the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of texts and phone calls that have resulted in multiple number changes.

Not to mention all the times she hung about outside my house. Shouting and yelling.....

But hey, fuck my son. After all he's just a boy. She's a poor girl...

If she is vulnerable and needs help then the police can hopefully help her because the school and her parents haven't done a very good job so far.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 29/01/2015 19:11

Butterfly are you serious? You seem very twisted yourself. She's a 'vulnerable child' oh Diddums Hmm.
What about the ops son who is being stalked and harassed??
Did you just hear that the stalker was 'female' and immediately assume she's innocent?

Purplepoodle · 29/01/2015 19:14

Just because she is 15 it doesn't make it any less stalking

Chocolatefudgebrownieicecream · 29/01/2015 19:14

Is butterfly the girls mum? Or just not read the thread? Seriously!

coffeeandcalpol · 29/01/2015 19:16

You can say no to the meeting, the head of year sounds like he's throwing his weight around because you (quite rightly) went over his head to the police-he didn't sort the problem out and now he'll have some explaining to do.
There will be a deputy head covering for the head in their absence, speak to them and explain why you are not happy, if police are involved, they should be at any meeting, all parties involved should be including parents

RaisingMen · 29/01/2015 19:17

Ruined her life Butterfly? Really? Get a grip, she's 15 not 5.

You did the right thing OP, do not let this meeting go ahead. How dare they arrange to have them both round the table after everything that happened. It's a police matter now, they've had their chance.

TwatFaceBitch · 29/01/2015 19:18

DS doesn't sound that affected by it.

Really? Are you reading all of the same thread? 4 months of following crying, calling him names, 2 changes of phones numbers! Hanging around outside the house, op having to tell her to leave many times, her patents removing her phone from her, op having to ring her patents to them were her daughter is again. Her parents and op warning her the could be involved if she carried on. Following with friends to harassing op ds at Swimming baths. FOUR MONTHS!

TwatFaceBitch · 29/01/2015 19:27

Don't know were patents came fromHmm

OP, you have done the right thing, it's a shame hoy isn't helping things at the moment. Hopefully you'll speak to the police before you have to speak to school.

Jennco · 29/01/2015 19:33

I think that calling the police could be the best thing for this girl full stop, she needs to know this behaviour is not on. If she has MH issues, she will get the help she needs, if she is a nasty little cow this could be a wake up call.

I am one incident from calling the police on a boy of 16 (so will be classed as an adult) myself.

Jennco · 29/01/2015 19:34

Also, I think you are a fab step mum xx

JenniferGovernment · 29/01/2015 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lostprince · 29/01/2015 19:45

It may be worth getting your son to keep a record of the harassment they will ask him to do this anyway. Do call though.

Whereisegg · 29/01/2015 20:30

I think keeping dss home tomorrow could be a good idea, in your shoes I would be very seriously concerned at how the hoy is attempting to handle this.
It is very much out of his (her?) hands now, but he doesn't seem able to grasp this.
It is now far beyond everyone getting around a table.

Buxtonstill · 29/01/2015 20:42

Butterfly, if she does have MH issues or is as vunerable as you imply, then her parents have a responsibility to protect her, even if this means grounding her and not letting her out alone to go out with her friends.
Why should OP's DS have to suffer because her parents can't control her?

littleleftie · 29/01/2015 20:47

I think you are doing a great job OP. I would point out to the school that as she has been told to stay away from him and as the police are involved now, a round table meeting is just not going to happen. Can you get the police to speak to the HOY?

Your poor DSS. I hope it all gets resolved soon Thanks

My DS had a lot of abuse aged 13 when he finished with his girlfriend and we had to get the police involved eventually after she pushed him in front of a passing car on the way home from school. She had to be taken out of the school eventually. Very awful for everyone.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 29/01/2015 20:49

LaLyra, I agree that keeping dss off school until the HOYs idiocy is duly dealt with, is the best thing to do! I'm pretty shocked at his behaviour. Surely the police will have warned her to stay away, so effectively, on top of placing your dss in a horiffic scenario, the HOY's actively encouraging the harasser to go against police advice?!

Butterflywings168, I really don't think this thread's the best place for sympathisers of abusive stalkers, to air their views. Or actual stalkers, for that matter! Only someone with a stalker mindset could be so ignorant of the effects of harassment upon victims of the same, after all.

Stillyummy · 29/01/2015 20:52

I wouldn't let the head of year have his meeting. He probably isn't a trained facilitator (they would know to tell the police the plan), this is not marrage guidance or a fall out between best friends, so it isn't appropriate. And worse still this will undermine the work of the police.

ChasedByBees · 29/01/2015 21:16

I would hold your SS back from school and write a letter to say that the HoY is acting in a completely inappropriate way in a school matter. He's not safeguarding your son's safety at all here. I would complain very loudly.

I read your first post about him and it made me annoyed - he really thinks he's the one with authority here, more than you or the police. You were telling him as a courtesy. He has way over stepped his boundaries and needs to be reigned in big time.

Clutterbugsmum · 29/01/2015 21:26

I think it's for the best to keep your ds out of school tomorrow. I think you are right about HOY and exgf may well browbeat your ds into agreeing to whatever they want him to.

And as to whether the Exgf life being ruined the only person who is doing the ruining her life is herself by not listening to the OP ds, his parents, her parents and her school telling her to leave the OP son alone.

rumbleinthrjungle · 29/01/2015 21:40

Undermining the police involvement is very inappropriate. The girl's parents were involved with the police, it has all been sorted out of school and is nothing to do with the HoY. It sounds to me like the HoY's sympathies are with the girl, he clearly doesn't like what has happened so I would be very concerned about him reframing what has been said and re apportioning blame/responsibility.

I would be keeping ds off school tomorrow if this was me to ensure this couldn't happen, and well done insisting the SMT contact you. This is not good professional behaviour on a number of counts.

As to ruining the girl's life - yes she is a vulnerable child, which is why the police have worked with her parents to help her understand she is committing a potential criminal offense. The OP has given her every opportunity to stop, she hasn't. The police don't handle teenagers like adults, they have a whole lot of support available for young people, but she can't just be allowed to get on with it because making her stop will upset her.

wheresthelight · 29/01/2015 21:40

LaLyla i am livid for you!! I cannot believe that the HOY is being such an arse! I would definitely keep DS home and I agree yours and DH's plan of refusing to allow him to be drawn into any meeting in school without you or the police present is a very sensible one! If you get no joy from the Senior Management team tomorrow I would strongly suggest you contact the Local Education office at your County Council and also consider speaking to OfSted as they will have an incredibly dim view about how the HOY has (or rather hasn't) handled this!

As for Butterfly and her ridiculous comments - the girl only has herself to blame quite frankly. LaLyla's DS has been abused consistently for over 5 months, she has been given warnings by school, her parents and has continued the abuse. I suggest you RTFT before you start throwing abusive comments around

PatrickOShea · 29/01/2015 21:41

I think your DSS's stalker has found the thread Wink

This sounds horrible for your DS. She isn't a 'poor girl', she's immature. This will be one of those things she looks back on when she's in her twenties and thinks 'what the fuck was wrong with me?'.

What is the girl like in school? You'll find some HS teachers favour certain pupils to up their popularity stakes. Pathetic but true.

PatrickOShea · 29/01/2015 21:43

Realistically, this could seriously damage OP's DS for future relationships or even friendships. So, no, I don't think many posters will 'THINK OF THE GIRL' ShockConfused

thewomaninwhite · 29/01/2015 21:44

I agree re keeping DS off school tomorrow. I am cross on your behalf with the HOY. I hope that you get a suitable response soon from the school.

AlpacaMyBags · 29/01/2015 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.