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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to call the police on a 15 year old?

252 replies

LaLyra · 26/01/2015 19:06

My stepson is 15. In September he got himself a girlfriend, it lasted two weeks because she was "too clingy" (wanted to spend ALL their time together and gave him tonnes of grief if he had something else to do). He also confided in his older cousin that she wanted to move the relationship on too quickly for his liking.

Anyway since they split up she has been a pain. She texts him constantly, he's had to change his number twice. She took to hanging around outside of our house and only stopped when I took to ringing her parents every time she appeared. She got in trouble in school for annoying him at breaks and lunchtime. Her parents seem to have tried - they've grounded her several times, taken her phone from her for a week here and there, stopped her using the internet at home etc, but she's completely ignored everyone.

I've just had a call from DS asking me to pick him up after his swimming club. He normally gets the bus, but she and her best friend have turned up there. They've been asked to leave for cheering for him loudly despite the fact he's not racing or anything. He's mortified and is worried she's going to get on the same bus. If he does encounter her personally she either bursts into floods of tears, begging him to take her back or she shouts abuse at him.

I've had enough now. School have tried and her parents seem to have tried, but nothing has worked. I had hoped that the break over Christmas would help her move on. We were away visiting relatives over the holiday and he enjoyed being able to go out places with his cousins without worry about her turning up.

So would I be harsh in saying enough is enough and calling the police?

OP posts:

desertgirl · 29/01/2015 17:19

That's dreadful, LaLyra, if he doesn't back off can you complain to the Head?

what did the policeman say about his conversation with the girl? and how is DS coping?

Original poster

LaLyra · 29/01/2015 17:27

The Head is off at the moment. I'd much rather have dealt with her. Someone must be in charge though so I shall find out who.

The Police didn't say very much. Just that they'd spoken to her and that they, and her parents, had explained and emphasised to her that she could end up in trouble. They had said they'd go for a fairly gentle approach first time round so I was expecting that.

Ds is alright. He's embarrassed about the whole thing, but he hasn't lost his sense of humour which I'm good about. He joked last night that he must have as bad taste in girls as his Dad so he's alright. He just wants to be left in peace. He's really annoyed at this meeting though. He doesn't want to speak to her and he doesn't see why he should be pulled from a lesson that he likes (PE) for it. Plus he was adamant that he didn't want the police pulling him from a lesson to speak to him as getting pulled out of class just makes everyone ask more questions. Now the Year Head is going to have hi pulled from a class for a meeting.

He's also annoyed because I'll have to go down, with the baby, tomorrow in the snow to speak to the Year Head because unless you go in and speak to the man he never returns any calls.

OP posts:

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 29/01/2015 17:29

Disgusted in the schools attitude to all this, it's been going on since October fgs is it worth phoning your community police contact and asking advice? Sitting down around the table sounds wholly inappropriate to me.

badtime · 29/01/2015 17:33

Can you have a word with the police at some point before the meeting is scheduled?

I am sure they would be actively opposed to this as would anyone with half a brain .

Summerisle1 · 29/01/2015 17:33

I'm not surprised you are pissed off, OP. This is absolutely the wrong way to go about things. If this girl gets a face to face meeting despite being gently warned off by the police it sends all the wrong signals. Because she's clearly not thinking straight right now and any chance to be close to your DS is going to fuel her misplaced hopes.

I fear that you are going to have to go into school and point out just why this meeting can't take place but it would really help if the year head could simply butt out right now or at least accept that things have moved well beyond his influence.

PopularNamesInclude · 29/01/2015 17:44

Say no to the meeting. The school had their chance and it is a police matter now. It is entirely inappropriate to reward a stalker with a face to face meeting with the victim! Refuse to let this meeting take place and tell them you are taking this to the school governors. The school is acting atrociously.

TwinkieTwinkle · 29/01/2015 17:48

I would contact the school and reiterate that it became a police matter when they were useless to begin with and if any 'face to face' meeting is to happen, it damn well won't be one organised by the school, who have been useless since the outset.

Buxtonstill · 29/01/2015 17:48

So suddenly the school want to poke their nose in? I would go with him to the meeting.

wowfudge · 29/01/2015 17:50

This is the HoY arse covering because the police are now involved I'm betting. I think the time for sitting round the table is well passed. I wonder what the HoY would think if it were the other way round (i.e. boy stalking girl); would he be so comfortable having a jolly chat round the table then?

Whereisegg · 29/01/2015 18:02

Absolutely refuse this meeting!
She had her warnings and ignored them.
Complain your arse off to the head when she's back too, that hoy is out of their depth at best, incompetent at worst.

elfycat · 29/01/2015 18:07

Did you get a crime number when you called?

Call in the morning and get one if you can and use it in the meeting to keep the HoY firmly in the 'a crime was reported' loop. If you can speak to either of the PCs see if they would recommend this course of action, if either say 'err no' then refuse to allow the meeting until you have more 'legal' advice or representation.

From your description I think your son sounds at risk of bullying from this teacher in addition to the issues with the girl. I think the meeting idea is ill thought out. I'm sure the warning from the PCs was for her to back-off and give the situation time to cool down and dissipate. This meeting will do the opposite.

ElsieMc · 29/01/2015 18:08

My DD 1 had a habit of running off when she was around 13/14 when she didn't get her own way. One time, she stayed out overnight and I decided to call the Police. She returned the next day but they paid her a visit and gave her an absolute bollocking. They did tell me what they were going to say to her and I let them do their job.

This is absolutely harassment. I know because my youngest dd's former partner was convicted in May this year. It was dealt with quickly and they just took one month's texts (400) and standing by my dds car on several occasions when she left work and trying to stop her driving off. He received 120 hours community service and a criminal record.

Her behavour seems worryingly extreme for someone so young. Whilst at this age emotions are heightened and I would usually be somewhat more sympathetic, time is moving on and she is not which is unusual. I think you have got to move matters to the next level.

ElsieMc · 29/01/2015 18:13

Sorry, I am a bit behind the thread here. I agree, do not under any circumstances allow this meeting as it will reinforce her behaviour and is inappropriate when the Police are involved. I would emphasise your disappointment with their lack of support up until now. Good luck op.

Original poster

LaLyra · 29/01/2015 18:27

Thanks everyone. I'm so bloody annoyed.

I've left a message for the PC's asking advice (I know one of them is in the school tomorrow for an event) and also a message on the school answer machine for the Head Teacher (it's one of those press 2 for...) and asked for whoever is standing in for her to call me. Hopefully both will call me back in the morning.

I want this out of the hands of the Year Head. He knows that we have spoken to the police. He mentioned having a plan when I spoke to him and I specifically said we'd be going with the plan of the police now because it has gone too far for school intervention. I told him that the police said there was no need for specific school measures at the moment, just a continuation on what the school had put in place before seemed fine (i.e she's not allowed to hang about him deliberately, but if both of their classes are in the library etc it's not an issue). I said all we wanted was for her to leave Ds alone and that we hoped the police would make her realise he is entitled to that. So he sodding knows there is no way his 'get round the table' would go down well.

I've also spoken to DH and rather than traipsing the baby down to the school in the snow and then hanging around for ages I'm keeping Ds home until I've arranged a meeting for me to have with the school. I'm not having one huffy teacher undermining the police and the stance we've taken. I appreciate that they are busy people, but I see no reason why at least one member of the senior management team cannot make time to see me tomorrow. It's a serious issue and if they've got time to organise meetings without letting parents know then they can make time for me.

It's so upsetting. I feel like I've let him down. We should have clamped down on her ages ago, but he didn't want us to do anymore than we already did. He really thought the Christmas break would see her move on.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/01/2015 18:30

I'm torn between going into the school with DSS and attending the meeting in his stead while he goes to PE, or just keeping him off school tomorrow (would he be able to look after the baby for you?) and going in there alone to put a rocket up the HoY's arse. I just think HoY sounds the type to pull a fast one and wouldn't want to give him any opportunity to hold a scond meeting after you'd left.

Regardless, I don't think your DSS should attend any meeting with his stalker, and HoY has left himself wide open by not contacting you or the PCs about this ridiculous 'meeting'.

Any chance you can get hold of the PCs before and get them to attend with you?

OliviaBenson · 29/01/2015 18:44

I'd follow this all up in writing Op and complain about the HOYs handling of the matter. I cannot believe it was arranged in the first place but to do so without liaising with you or the police is awful.

OliviaBenson · 29/01/2015 18:44

To me, it seems the HOY doesn't get the gravity of the situation.

Butterflywings168 · 29/01/2015 18:49

Poor girl. You only have your DS' side of story, wonder if he was an angel. She could well have mental health issues but yeah, call the police, traumatise a 15yo girl, ruin her life

Butterflywings168 · 29/01/2015 18:52

She's a vulnerable CHILD FGS. DS doesn't sound that affected by it. Well done, ruin a child's life.

Charliegirl21 · 29/01/2015 18:56

She could end up causing mental health issues to the OP's DS if she carries on like this. But is that ok as she is a girl, butterflywings?

Altinkum · 29/01/2015 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 29/01/2015 19:03

Well if she has mental health issues, maybe these will now be sorted out. The OP di the right thing. If this was gender reversed everyone here would be baying from the police to be involved.

Mental health issues seem to excuse all sorts of awful behaviour in the world of Mumsnet.

SoupDragon · 29/01/2015 19:05

She could well have mental health issues

Or she could just be harassing the OPs DSS. Her own parents told her she would get into trouble with the police.

SoupDragon · 29/01/2015 19:06

If this was gender reversed everyone here would be baying from the police to be involved

Absolutely.

Although, to be fair, I think all but one person has said to involve the police.

magoria · 29/01/2015 19:07

If she has mental health issues then the police will see this and she can get the proper help and support she may need to interact properly with her peers.

She been asked to leave places for causing noise.

This 15 year old boy, so also still a child, has had to change his phone number twice and have verbal abuse hurled at him in public.

He is having to phone for a lift home because she is affecting him.

This girl has been warned about the consequences of her actions.

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