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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to call the police on a 15 year old?

252 replies

LaLyra · 26/01/2015 19:06

My stepson is 15. In September he got himself a girlfriend, it lasted two weeks because she was "too clingy" (wanted to spend ALL their time together and gave him tonnes of grief if he had something else to do). He also confided in his older cousin that she wanted to move the relationship on too quickly for his liking.

Anyway since they split up she has been a pain. She texts him constantly, he's had to change his number twice. She took to hanging around outside of our house and only stopped when I took to ringing her parents every time she appeared. She got in trouble in school for annoying him at breaks and lunchtime. Her parents seem to have tried - they've grounded her several times, taken her phone from her for a week here and there, stopped her using the internet at home etc, but she's completely ignored everyone.

I've just had a call from DS asking me to pick him up after his swimming club. He normally gets the bus, but she and her best friend have turned up there. They've been asked to leave for cheering for him loudly despite the fact he's not racing or anything. He's mortified and is worried she's going to get on the same bus. If he does encounter her personally she either bursts into floods of tears, begging him to take her back or she shouts abuse at him.

I've had enough now. School have tried and her parents seem to have tried, but nothing has worked. I had hoped that the break over Christmas would help her move on. We were away visiting relatives over the holiday and he enjoyed being able to go out places with his cousins without worry about her turning up.

So would I be harsh in saying enough is enough and calling the police?

OP posts:

CaptainHolt · 26/01/2015 20:21

I would call the police, and I wouldn't worry about her not having any more warnings. I was stalked for about 6 months by an ex and it stopped after only one visit from the police. I think it hammered home how unwanted and inappropriate it was. Obviously lots of people aren't so lucky but it's certainly not going to stop anytime soon without the police.

I wouldn't care if she is unwell or a drama queen or whatever. It is affecting your dss and the wider family and that matters, and if she is unwell then she needs help, not for everyone to tolerate it. Your dss has absolutely no way of knowing if and when it will escalate and it's hideous to not be able to go anywhere without the fear of someone popping up. My stalker used to phone my uni lecturers to check I'd been in class instead of off shagging someone else, even though we'd broken up months before (not that it would have been ok if we were together) and then would pop up on the street to cross examine me as they wouldn't give him the information. He didn't live in my uni town, so it was extra freaky. He never laid a hand on me, but it wasn't harmless.

YellowTulips · 26/01/2015 20:28

I'd call the police under the circumstance tbh.

If this thread was about a 15 year old boy stalking a girl I think it would be pretty unanimous.

It's not being cruel - it's about consequences of a behaviour that several people and institutions have clearly told her is not appropriate.

It's a bad life lesson for the girl involved if she is allowed to get away with this behaviour.

AndHarry · 26/01/2015 20:32

Definitely the police. Both in the hope that they will shock her out of it if she's just being silly and so that you have it on record if it continues and is more sinister.

skylark2 · 26/01/2015 20:33

"She's been told that if she didn't stop before she could get in trouble with the police. The school told her this and her parents did. "

That's plenty enough of a warning. Call the police.

"If this thread was about a 15 year old boy stalking a girl I think it would be pretty unanimous."

I dunno - I'd like to hope the 15 year old boy would also have it pointed out to him what the consequences of his behaviour would be before the police were called.

TinkerbellaPan · 26/01/2015 20:40

You may well be helping her out in the long run if you go to the police. Better she gets a kick back into reality now than keeps up the habit and is still doing it in 10 years time to ex-boyfriends!

HealthyChanges · 26/01/2015 20:45

Another vote here for calling the police, it will do her good.

She obviously needs some help to get over your DSS/a serious wake up call and your DSS needs to live his life without worry.

JenniferGovernment · 26/01/2015 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigFatBabyBrain · 26/01/2015 20:57

by all means go to the police if thats what you DSS wants, just make sure to run it by him first as that might not be what he wants.

good luck, hope it all gets sorted soon x

bubalou · 26/01/2015 21:02

Op - sounds awful for your poor kid.

Agree with people about 101. Wouldn't leave it longer - she sounds unhinged and shouldn't be allowed to get away with it now after all these warnings.

Hope your DS is ok.

Keep us updated.

Nanny0gg · 26/01/2015 21:10

www.stalkinghelpline.org/

May be helpful.

Whereisegg · 26/01/2015 21:11

Good news about the diary, and the school having had to take action should be taken seriously by the police too.

halestone · 26/01/2015 21:41

I would talk with your Dss and see what he wants to do, then after this decide what your next step is.

FWIW i would be furious too and also be leaning towards 101 to ask for advice on the situation.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 26/01/2015 21:52

Hope your ds isn't too upset by tonight's appearance. And I hope you can convince him that police is the right option now.

Good luck,

londonrach · 26/01/2015 21:57

Police as she already been warned. Your poor ds.

laughingmyarseoff · 26/01/2015 22:07

Police. She obviously isn't taking what anyone else says seriously, perhaps she might realise now.

For her to be like this after only two weeks and to escalate, it suggests that professional help is needed to make it clear this behaviour is wrong.

Whereisegg · 27/01/2015 10:53

Everything ok op?

wheresthelight · 27/01/2015 12:52

I love the fact lots of people are saying the police is ott. if it was a boy stalking a girl I am quite sure their would be outrage that you hadn't already done it!

101 or your local community policing team are your best bet OP. you and your stepson sound lovely! I hope it gets sorted

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/01/2015 12:58

If the sexes in this situation were reversed I would still think that it would be fairer to warn the 15 year old (either direct or via parents) that the next step would be the Police. They are still kids after all and are still learning about what is appropriate in relationships and the world in general.

Summerisle1 · 27/01/2015 13:00

When you pick your dss up I'd also ask him what he'd like you to do but I'd definitely plan to call the police. She has had various warnings about the consequences of her continuing to stalk your dss and certainly, had the genders been reversed, I can't imagine the police not being involved already.

Clearly she needs help. Hopefully that's what she'll get. But you can't leave things to carry on as they are.

Original poster

LaLyra · 27/01/2015 13:55

Thanks again all.

I spoke to DS last night when I picked him up. He actually mentioned the police first, one of his older friends at swimming club said to him that he'd phone the police in DS's shoes. He said in the beginning some of the boys found it funny, joking that they'd like a pretty girl to chase them, but now they all just feel sorry for him.

He was a bit worried that getting the police could make it worse, but he said that he's had occasional thoughts wishing he could move house or school (which made me cry last night after the kids were all in bed) so decided it couldn't be that much worse and after phoning his Dad for a chat decided he wanted me to speak to the police.

I phoned 101 as that is what it said to do on the community police webpage. The person who took the call was great. Said we'd done the right thing to call if we were concerned and said they'd pass it onto the community team. The community bobby (which is exactly how he introduced himself on the phone - he was really friendly) rang this morning and asked to come and speak to Ds. He couldn't come out until after 10.30am so Ds had a morning off school, the one thing he was adamant about was that he didn't want to be pulled from his class to speak to the police as it would be embarrassing.

Two PC's came around and they were excellent with Ds. They kept the conversation so casual and light Ds joked with them at the end that they must be good at getting confessions because he hadn't even realised he was answering questions some of the way. They've given him some good strategies for dealing with her and told him not to hesitate calling them if there is any problems or if he is frightened. Same with me, they will call once they've spoken to her, hopefully today, and after that if she turns up at the house or is a nuisance anywhere we've just to ring.

School are not happy. I told Ds's year head I'd contacted the police when I dropped Ds off (agreed with the PC's). He apparently had a plan, but his last plan didn't work. I appreciate they are in a difficult position, but I have to focus on Ds.

Community police was a great suggestion so thank you. Fingers crossed she'll get a fright and take it seriously.

OP posts:

Whereisegg · 27/01/2015 13:58

Good on your dss!
It's unfortunate that the school don't 'approve', but neither here nor there really.

Me624 · 27/01/2015 13:59

Glad to hear the police were helpful op. They were to me as well when I experienced some fairly low level stalking a few years ago - they offered to arrest him for harassment but I didn't want that so they just went and spoke to him and it stopped straight away. I'm sure this girl will get the message now and in a couple of years she'll probably look back on her behaviour and be mortified.

RiverTam · 27/01/2015 14:05

glad they were helpful, OP. I imagine the school aren't happy because of Ofsted or similar? To be fair, her behaviour is now off the scale, schools aren't meant to have to deal with stalkers and harassers amongst their pupils, so I don't think they can be blamed for what's going on, but equally they can't blame the OP for doing what she did.

Original poster

LaLyra · 27/01/2015 14:17

I'm not blaming the school. They tried. I am annoyed that they are annoyed. They can't control her out of school hours so I don't really see what other choice I had left. I know they have to give equal consideration to all of their pupils, that's their job, but I don't, mine is to put Ds first.

OP posts:

ThunderboltKid · 27/01/2015 14:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

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