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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call the police on a 15 year old?

252 replies

LaLyra · 26/01/2015 19:06

My stepson is 15. In September he got himself a girlfriend, it lasted two weeks because she was "too clingy" (wanted to spend ALL their time together and gave him tonnes of grief if he had something else to do). He also confided in his older cousin that she wanted to move the relationship on too quickly for his liking.

Anyway since they split up she has been a pain. She texts him constantly, he's had to change his number twice. She took to hanging around outside of our house and only stopped when I took to ringing her parents every time she appeared. She got in trouble in school for annoying him at breaks and lunchtime. Her parents seem to have tried - they've grounded her several times, taken her phone from her for a week here and there, stopped her using the internet at home etc, but she's completely ignored everyone.

I've just had a call from DS asking me to pick him up after his swimming club. He normally gets the bus, but she and her best friend have turned up there. They've been asked to leave for cheering for him loudly despite the fact he's not racing or anything. He's mortified and is worried she's going to get on the same bus. If he does encounter her personally she either bursts into floods of tears, begging him to take her back or she shouts abuse at him.

I've had enough now. School have tried and her parents seem to have tried, but nothing has worked. I had hoped that the break over Christmas would help her move on. We were away visiting relatives over the holiday and he enjoyed being able to go out places with his cousins without worry about her turning up.

So would I be harsh in saying enough is enough and calling the police?

OP posts:
halestone · 27/01/2015 14:46

Well done for getting help for your son, i hope that this girl stops now. Its unfortunate the school don't approve but unfortunately theirs and the girls parents interventions hadn't worked so you were left with no choice. I absolutely believe you did the right thing.

foreverdepressed · 27/01/2015 15:00

yanbu, this must be scary and intimidating for your DS... it is also not normal behavior at all and needs to be nipped in the bud.

wheresthelight · 27/01/2015 15:37

glad the community policing team were helpful send that your ds was confident enough to speak to them.

the school won't be pleased as it takes it out of their hands and sanctions placed on the girl by the police will impact them should it escalate further. seeing as their "plan" has had no effect and they haven't followed up or done anything really to protect your ds in school and have no bounds outside of it I think that the head of years feelings don't come into it.

I would possibly drop a call in to the head teacher or the senior teacher responsible for pastoral welfare if they have one just so that they fully understand the whys and wherefores

hopefully this sorts it!

Caronaim · 27/01/2015 15:46

I don't see why the school shouldn't be happy. It takes it off their hands. I just wish more parents would report crimes to the police rather than dumping it on teachers, who are not equipped or resourced to deal with criminal behaviour.

Heels99 · 27/01/2015 16:03

River tam, What has ofsted got to do with it and what's "similar" to ofsted mean?

Hope this issue is resolved now op

Dawndonnaagain · 27/01/2015 16:04

LaLyra you sound like a really lovely mum. You have of course done the right thing, and it matters not a jot what the school think. If however, there are any more comments from school or parents, I would suggest mentioning cahms to them, the girl concerned obviously needs some help and perhaps they are the people to encourage her to move on from this obssession.

fuzzpig · 27/01/2015 16:19

Really glad you phoned the police. Hope it stops now :(

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 27/01/2015 16:19

Thank you for calling the police. You have done the right thing. I speak as someone who had a family member stalked by a previous interest, and the only thing that eventually stopped her was being arrested (after a few visits form the community policing team). Since it stopped though, my family member has been less stressed, and no longer feels he is being drive out of his own home (she tried to buy the house next door when it got really intense). Hopefully your DS can start feeling happier soon too.

RiverTam · 27/01/2015 16:20

Heels - I'm merely hazarding a guess as to why the school might be annoyed - hence my '?' at the end of the sentence. Ofsted, governing body, something like that? I have said I don't think they should be, but as I have read many times on MN, it appears that schools can be 'leant on' to hush up negative situations. Wrong, of course - the OP has absolutely done the right thing.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 27/01/2015 16:46

It's quite ridiculous that the head of year is annoyed in some way. It almost implies that they haven't taken this as seriously as they should have. If they had, surely they'd understand the need for proper intervention now?

Anyway, I'm glad your pcsos are as supportive as ours have been in similar circumstances, op Smile

BadgersNadgers · 27/01/2015 16:54

Well done to your son for going this route - a lot of boys would be reluctant to seek help for fear of looking like they can't handle a problem like this. He sounds emotionally mature and like he'll grow into a lovely man.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 27/01/2015 20:34

So glad police were useful, I hope they make sure that girl stays away now.

As for the school, Amantes has it right
"It's quite ridiculous that the head of year is annoyed in some way. It almost implies that they haven't taken this as seriously as they should have."

happyhats · 27/01/2015 21:41

Hopefully things will settle down now. Much better to be warned by police informally than to risk continued escalation.
Your son sound very sensible poor lad.

Original poster
LaLyra · 27/01/2015 23:10

Thanks again all.

The year head is annoyed because he felt the situation didn't merit the police yet. He said they would have recommended the police at an "appropriate" stage. I just left it saying that Ds having thoughts that he'd like to move house or school and being unable to attend any activities in peace was, in my opinion, an appropriate stage.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those parents who works against the school. I worked in schools for a number of years so I know how important parental back up is and one of my 12-year-olds wasn't allowed out after school tonight (no Brownies or playing out) because she was noisy enough in class today that her teacher felt annoyed enough to mention it.

This year head just has a habit of speaking to parents like they are 5 and he gets my back up anyway because he has a really annoying habit of interrupting the children. I'd rather deal with the Head Teacher, but she's off sick.

OP posts:
AmantesSuntAmentes · 27/01/2015 23:22

As if involving the police can't be a unilateral decision and the victim/ victims parents perogative?! Well I like your retort!

BlackeyedSusan · 27/01/2015 23:33

sod what HoY thinks. the police thought it was the right stage to talk to the police... and they are the experts.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 27/01/2015 23:35

Oh I've met that kind of teacher before, the ones who forget that they're in charge of the children, not the parents! Lucky I haven't met many.

I can well imagine someone like that getting indignant that they were not in their 'proper place' as the decision maker or gate keeper .... It would have annoyed because they weren't given due status and weren't central to your actions. Nah humbug!!!

Icimoi · 27/01/2015 23:40

The year head really is not in a position to decree that it isn't "yet" time to call the police. He's not the one suffering this, and I very much doubt that he realises the full extent of it. Even without that, it's difficult to comprehend his attitude: this nonsense is still going on after four months despite every effort of OP, the school and the parents to let the girl know it has to stop. I really don't understand what the year head thinks would be a more appropriate stage to involve the police. The longer this goes on, the more entrenched the girl would get, and for her own sake this needs to firmly nipped in the bud.

Summerisle1 · 28/01/2015 00:09

You've done absolutely the right thing, OP. I'd be very annoyed by the HOY too since it really isn't for him to start determining when the "appropriate stage" has been reached. His pastoral responsibilities start and finish at the school gates. You, on the other hand, have a DS concerned and worried enough to start wishing he could move house and school. Which just goes to show quite how far out of hand this girl's behaviour has got.

TwinkieTwinkle · 28/01/2015 00:34

An 'appropriate' stage? The girl has been hanging around outside your house and turning up at events not concerning her, to rile your son for months! At what point would the school have deemed police intervention appropriate? When she had escalated to violence? What an absolute disgrace.

Whereisegg · 28/01/2015 07:17

What a ridiculous statement by the hoy! Shock

UncleT · 28/01/2015 07:53

When it goes on just as much (or worse) outside of school then it has precisely feck all to do with the school when you want to involve the Police. I had a similar thing around his age and it made me utterly miserable at the time - you have done completely the right thing, and it actually sounds like you tried really hard not to have it come to this.

Loveloveloveher · 28/01/2015 08:02

Well done calling the police, sounds like dss really needed your back up on this one. Hope she moves on after this.

MoanCollins · 28/01/2015 08:07

You've done the right thing. I'm so angry on your behalf the school are not being more supportive. Because for a start it's escalated so much it's not just a school issue, it's going on outside school. I think he has a cheek to complain when it happens outside school, at that point you, not him, are responsible for decisions regarding your son.

I hope it works, the best outcome for everybody is that the police have a quiet word before it escalates past the point it is at the moment. And the best thing for her too, if it was allowed to escalate further then she may get to the point where the police would have to arrest and caution/charge her. Hopefully this will stop her before she reaches that point and won't have to go through life with a criminal record.

Original poster
LaLyra · 29/01/2015 17:11

I'm so pissed off.

Ds has just come in after his after-school club in a terrible mood because Year Head has informed him he's to go to a meeting tomorrow morning. Apparently Year Head is getting them both around a table and "we'll get it sorted once and for all".

Without so much as a phone call home to inform us of his sodding plan, far less ask us. He certainly hasn't spoken to either of the PC's because I spoke to one this morning when he phoned to let me know he'd managed to speak to the girl last night and I just bumped into the other one in the shop so they'd have said.

Ds said he was told the girl was crying in the common room today so he thinks the Year Head is going to end up on her side. Which says a lot of Ds's faith in his teacher!

I'm going in with Ds in the morning and will be saying under no circumstances do I want them sat round a table without me or his Dad present unless it is organised by the PC's dealing with the harassment. She's been told to stay away from him, she's not getting round that with a few tears and a snotty teacher with a chip on his shoulder.

Ds has swimming again tonight. Fingers crossed that is uneventful.

OP posts: