Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD been off school sick today and wants to go to a party this evening

220 replies

Waitingfordolly · 23/01/2015 16:20

Stomach ache (though no sickness or diarrhoea) and generally looking peaky, although she does seem a lot better now. She's 11. I have said no she can't go to the party. She is upstairs in floods of tears saying that everyone else's mum would let them go. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bedsheets4knickers · 23/01/2015 22:29

But it clearly isn't a stomach bug

dexter73 · 23/01/2015 22:30

But how would I know that? All I would know is that you thought your child was ill enough to be off school all day.

Bedsheets4knickers · 23/01/2015 22:35

I would assume the mother of the child had made the correct decision based on her child at time of party

Pomegranatemolasses · 23/01/2015 22:39

I had never actually heard of this 'no school/no party' rule. What a load of nonsense. does it stem from the fact that a parent may be nurturing future skiving by their child?

What a nasty way to view parenting.

dexter73 · 23/01/2015 22:41

I would assume the mum fancied palming her kid off on me for a couple of hours as she had been under her feet all day at home and wanted a bit of peace and quiet!

Bedsheets4knickers · 23/01/2015 22:44

Jesus doesn't that tire you out

dexter73 · 23/01/2015 22:46

Er no Confused

Gileswithachainsaw · 23/01/2015 22:46

in this instance with the past history of stomach aches linked to a bug in the house and the fact she has commitments tomorrow which are more important keeping her home was the right decision.

but I do disagree with the whole too ill to go to school too ill to go out "rule"

your not allowed to have medicine in school unless prescribed ergo not really having access to pain meds. managing a full school day on only what you can take for your cold or period pain or headache in the morning is vastly harder than two hours somewhere having slept it off and take enough meds to last.

tiredness causes an array of symptoms. being slightly older doesn't exempt you from what some teachers in primary school would accept as a reason for a day off. and a lie in and sofa day would leave you more than fit for a party if you had nothing the next day.

It really does depend on the child and their history and what actually was the problem.

plus, what someone who lives near school and is home all day, will send their kids in with would differ vastly from someone who had to go to work and wouldn't be available for a pick up so send off to grand parents. or someone who had a longer harder journey may well keep home for less because of the effort involved in collecting.

all these are factors to consider and a blanket rule is no good here and serves only to have a child called a liar for feeling better

thedevilinside · 23/01/2015 22:53

I don't think it's worth the risk, Whenever DH catches a stomach bug, he only ever gets stomach pains, while the rest of us are throwing up. Supposing it is that? I would be livid if you send an infectious child to my party

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 23/01/2015 23:18

Why is it clearly not a stomach bug? The OP has already said that her DD tends only to get stomach ache when other people are being sick and just because she's feeling a little better doesn't mean she isn't still infectious if it is a stomach bug.

I'm another parent who wouldn't be pleased to have a potentially infectious child turn up at my Dc;s party. I'd be even less pleased if my DC came down with a stomach bug afterwards. It just isn't worth the risk.

OP YANBU

naty1 · 23/01/2015 23:19

Last yr dd had d&v and then a few days later i felt giddy out shopping and wanted to sit down. Bad stomach ache for days. Then DH had the same. He couldnt go to work he felt so bad. So in that case 1 persons d&v is anothers severe stomach ache and still contagious.
No school - no party.
Im surprised that quite a few would risk their jobs going out after missing work.

I also have only really been off with D&v so no chance of going out for the evening.
During the sars outbreak a colleague returned from HK and was asked not to come into work, just in case. They went round the UK visiying people. Not everyone worries about infecting others.
Though the 48 hr rule is a bit useless when siblings and parents are still going to school/work.

pinkr · 24/01/2015 07:21

No school no party. I'm slightly judging the posters who say they would send...where are your standards? Smile

bigbluestars · 24/01/2015 07:31

I think it depends on the child.

Some kids like to swing the lead when it comes to getting off school, but if this isn't the case then I would consider the party seriously.

My DD loves school and hates being absent, but one day this week I had a call from the office to bick her up. She was very pale and complaining of a thumping headache. She spent the afternoon resting, ate her dinner and by 8pm dediced she was well enough to attend her ballet class. I let her go- she is a very good judge of her physical state. She coped with the ballet fine and was back at school the next morning.

Seff · 24/01/2015 08:09

It's a tricky one, as it seems obvious that most of these answers are partly based on the "if you're not well enough to go to work/school you shouldn't go out at night". But I can go to bed at night feeling fine and wake up feeling awful. Or go to bed feeling awful and wake up feeling fine. Within 8 hours or so. So clearly that period of time is long enough for feeling ill to subside, especially after spending the whole day resting.

It seems that for most people, deciding whether or not you/a child is well enough to go out in the evening is not based on how a person feels, but how it would look to other people.

Who came up with the rule?

bigbluestars · 24/01/2015 08:26

Exaclty seff- you make a very good point.

"where are your standards?" THis is more about how other people judge rather than what is going on with the child.

christmaspies · 24/01/2015 08:32

If you already have a rule in place you should stick by it but if not, let her and tell her that in future it will be no parties or evening activities if she has been off sick during the day.

BathtimeFunkster · 24/01/2015 08:58

Of course the "no school, no party" rule is made up, all rules are "made up" unless you believe in natural justice or an interventionist deity.

The reason it was made up, is that it makes loads of sense.

If you have been sick enough not to attend to your business that day, then any improvement by evening is likely to be a result of resting all day and is not an indication that you are completely better.

It is unfair to be sick enough to miss important activities like school and then impose yourself and your germs on other people, who might then have to miss their important activities.

When you are 11 and learning about how the world works and how to prioritise your time, it is particularly important to figure out that your priority is making it in to school and bring well for your weekend commitments and not going to a party.

People who miss work because they are a little bit sick in the morning and then grand later on are called shirkers.

You don't want to raise one of those.

Original poster
Waitingfordolly · 24/01/2015 09:01

Morning update - no more complaining last night other than one I wish I was there. She has woken up fine and got out out bed with no problem to get ready for dance (completely different from last week when she did have friends round on Friday night and I had to drag her out of bed exhausted) and I'm happy that I made the right decision for her last night.

To look at the "other side" though - I probably don't have a totally unmoveable hard and fast rule - if it had been period pains and not something potentially infectious then I might have made a different decision and the same if I hadn't thought that actually she was generally tired and needed to rest, although there is something about consistency - I had said in the morning no school, no party. I do try to prioritise her social arrangements most of the time as I grew up in a small village and felt quite isolated and left out a lot of the time - so it's not that she lacks opportunities to socialise. I am worried about what other people think a bit - that's partly about not sending a maybe infectious child to a party but also as someone up thread said I don't want her to be seen as a "skiver". Does that matter? I'm not sure!

Thanks everyone! I felt fairly certain that I was doing the right thing, but really helpful to know that I am not out of step and a mean horrible cruel parent!

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 24/01/2015 09:07

You really don't want to get into the habit of letting her miss school because of period pains.

Unless they are so bad that she needs to see a doctor about them, she should be fine to carry on as usual.

The period pain argument is just bizarre.

Don't hire women - they will miss at least one day sick out of every 28.

wtffgs · 24/01/2015 09:17

Even if it is period pain, you would be setting yourself up for monthly dilemmas. If she wasn't well enough for school she can't go out in the evening. I am pretty laid back but if a colleague called in sick and then I saw them out later, is probably report them. People who are genuinely I'll have a hard enough time without piss-takers spoiling it

Gileswithachainsaw · 24/01/2015 09:24

You really don't want to get into the habit of letting her miss school because of period pains

no one's said anything of the sort. but surely there has to be some kind of allowance to start with if the first one or two are particularly painful. 11 is still young I think having a couple of days off first time to give her a chance to manage it is reasonable. rather than sending her straight in leading to an accident as sues unsure of what to do.

BathtimeFunkster · 24/01/2015 09:34

No, I don't think getting your period is a reason to miss a couple of days off school.

First periods are usually light and learning how to manage them means learning that the world doesn't stop turning just because you're menstruating.

ToffeeCaramel · 24/01/2015 09:36

Yanbu. Our school had to write in the newsletter that if a child was off sick they couldn't go to the school disco as kids were doing that

wtffgs · 24/01/2015 09:40

It's not a "rule" FGS - it's basic decency in a work context and in that sense, school is preparation for life. You show up and try your best every day, unless you really are too ill to be there.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 24/01/2015 09:53

Those who say that if they rang in sick for work due to feeling ill, but then improved enough to go out that night.....calling it now:- you really werent so ill that you couldnt work.

And if you did go out, and bumped into your Boss, would you honestly feel ok about it all? Not a little guilty? Worried they may want to have a word?