To not want to be my mother's carer

[Sillyjelly]

I am in my late 20s and I returned home last autumn due to unemployment. I do a very specific and often seasonal type of work and have only recently secured a new job.

Over winter DM's health deteriorated significantly. I spend all my time cooking and cleaning, dealing with her medicines, running errands etc. However she is sometimes a cruel and selfish woman, and my physical and emotional well being has taken a hit (not helped by being unemployed for the first time).

I also started a new relationship last year, and the way my mother treats me has meant my DP is very reluctant to visit here (although does) and I'm scared this situation will jeopardise our relationship.

My mother has been hospitalised twice in the last 4 weeks and I feel a huge amount of pressure from professionals, neighbours and family friends to stay in the house and provide full time care. I have lost my identity, they just see me as her daughter and these are the main people I regularly talk to. They also think I don't do enough, I was sitting right next to her hospital bed while she explained to a friend on the phone that she felt "abandoned" and like she "has no family".

The idea of giving up a career I have worked hard to build, giving up the chance of having of my own family, even just giving up lazy Sundays forever and nights out with friends frankly makes me want to cry.

She also has a particular way of calling my name (stressing the second syllable) at 3am when she wants a cup of tea and it makes me want to jump out of a window.

WIBU to leave? I'm desperate to leave but DM sabotages my attempts at gaining her some help. She can act capable for some people, and vulnerable for others. DSis supports me but nobody else understands DM's games.

I am probably a terrible, selfish daughter but I'm not yet 30, DM had children later in life to enjoy her 20s and 30s and I feel like she is robbing mine.

not unreasonable at all. It would be hard enough doing what you do for a mother who treats you well and is kind.

You and your sister need to have a meeting with social workers to sort out a care package.

and stop with the cup of tea at 3am nonsense!

She gave you a home in your 20's, you were her carer when you lived there and now you want to leave so can't be her carer anymore.

You don't need to go into all the other details, just phone social services so they can help sort out some care for her now you are leaving.

Go and get some counselling to deal with the rest.

I'd walk away from it. You are still really young, you deserve to enjoy your life and build a career and a relationship.

Yes ring social services.. tell the you're leaving and she'll need care sorting out and stick to your guns.

You need to start detatching. Its one thing running the odd errand or popping in to keep her company, but there is a reason that the job Carer exists. Its a job. And you already have a career.

Get help. Move out.

Look you are going to make yourself ill. Walk away from it before you do. If she sabotages care that is her own choice.

Thank you for your replies, I feel a bit better about doing it already, I needed to explain my side somewhere as everyone around me thinks I'm awful and I don't want to outright describe DM as a liar to her friends.

I have been in contact with SS, however DM can magically cope when she talks to them and could pass the OTs tests so isn't prioritised the way she should be. I'm hoping this latest hospital stay will make the difference and I'll start hassling them again. Just feeling a bit burned out.

Thanks again

YANBU

Just leave and get on with your life then once you move out. Tell her friends she doesn't need a carer according to the OT and SS.

I HAVE to post on this, Sillyjelly. You MUST step back. My DSis ran herself into the ground caring for our DM because she was the unmarried youngest of five siblings, and in the end it cost her her job, her relationship and turned her into an alcoholic. She had a doorbell ring at 3am if she was needed - it meant that for several years after DM died Dsis remained in a state of hyper alertness and hyper anxiety. It was and is a nightmare. PLEASE don't fall into the trap. You don't 'need' to explain anything to anyone, just decide when you are moving out and notify SS and her GP as well as her. If she can pass the tests then she will need to employ a carer to come in and assist her if she needs/wants the help. Our DM resolutely refused all external offers of care and assistance, leant completely on DSis, the relationship was awful, became very destructive, and DM died a terribly prolonged death because she had refused all offers of help that would have eased my sister's burden - no respite care, no carer's allowance (refused to be assessed) so my Dsis lost all her NI entitlement while she wasn't working, no blue badge, nothing. It was horrific. I tried till I was blue in the face to get her to move out but the guilt was tremendous - when she finally cracked under the pressure I had to stop her jumping off Beachy Head AND get my mother into a nursing home where she died six weeks later. I cannot stress enough that you are in the same position and will go the same way unless you are firm enough to say no. You will feel guilty, but you will survive, that's the point. Good luck.

You have to bite the bullet now. It won't be easy and you will get a lot of stick for it. If you don't resist you will end up like me (retired and still running around after ungrateful parent)

I had two tiny kids, was practically neglecting my other half and running around after my mother.

After struggling on 3 buses for a 30 mile journey with a pram a newborn and a toddler, she said "people tell me how lucky I am to have a daughter. But I tell them, FAMILY huh, without my friends I don't know what I would do. My friends are so good to me. This said to my face. That baby is 42 now and I am still the whipping girl.

Run away as fast as you can

i am begging you. i am in the same boat but with dc here too. get out while you can. my life is hell. sibblings too far away or dont want to know whilst i break my back and am still the bad guy.
please go asap dont end up like me. i really could have written your post myself

if your mum is well enough to convince social workers that she can fend for herself then let her do just that.

YANBU.

Do bear in mind tho that SS will not just magic a care plan into place for a financially solvent homeowner (assuming that's what she is). She will have to pay for any care that she receives- if she even agrees she needs any- and if she won't pay, they'll just leave her to your conscience.

I'm just trying to warn you as my own mum is in the position of having to provide free care to my grandad as he won't agree that he "needs" a carer- at least not while he can get her to do it for free.

I would give her one of these teasmade.com/ as a parting gift.

YANBU

You should go and live your own life, find your own place to live, and provide the support to your mum that you can while doing that. That support will be visits/phonecalls, maybe helping with some things (I order my mums prescriptions but that only involves ordering online and it gets sent to pharmacy and then delivered to her house), but mostly ensuring she has the best care package she is entitled to and/or can afford.

On the other hand if you continue to live with your mum and are dependant on her financially you should pay your way by reasonably helping her (NOT 3am cups of tea!).

My dad is housebound and struggles to walk, with a frame. But bless his heart, he still cooks for himself and does a bit of housework. He has his shopping delivered every fortnight and a cleaner for a couple of hours every few weeks. I visit every day but just to chat, put his rubbish out or change his bed. He is always grateful and frequently presses money on me.

Your mother sounds like an ungrateful individual who will probably magically cope with stuff when you have moved out, which you must do, soon.

Grab the social worker while she is in hospital (the hospital one I mean) and tell them she is not safe to be discharged without a care package and you are not available. You're likely to get further while she's in hospital than when she's out.

Hi there OP,

What a tough situation and I'm really sorry to hear how guilty you're feeling about all of this.
I work with carers, and this kind of manipulative behaviour is not uncommon, and nor are your conflicted feelings about it. I'm just going to point you towards a few things you might find helpful.
Firstly, does your own / your mum's gp know that you're caring for her? The gp can be a gateway to lots of other support services - either that can step in and help your mum so there's less stress on you, or for you, in coping with the caring role
Another source of support are local carers' services. Some offer respite care and can step in to take over caring, so that you get regular breaks. Others provide social support and time for you, as a carer, to offload and get help and advice. You can find out more here www.carers.org/local-support
Carers Trust's website also has a really supportive online community of carers - a great place to offload, share experiences and get advice from others in similar situations www.carers.org/carers-chat

Has anyone spoken to you about having a Carers' Assessment? You're legally entitled to this so do look into it! www.nhs.uk/Conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/Pages/carers-assessment.aspx

And has your mum had a full assessment of her needs? www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/pages/assessment-care-needs.aspx - if she's getting proper support that might ease the burden on you?

Finally, as others have said, please don't be bullied or pressured into taking this role on. It's not easy and it will be all the harder if you've been forced to do it . Check out the support on offer, get some advice from others, as you're doing here, and only take on what you feel comfortable with. No-one can truly understand what's involved in looking after your mum in the way that you do!

I won't repeat what I've been through, I've posted about it, but I feel for you. There is immense pressure on children, and it can literally destroy you. If you have a close bond and a lot of support then that is one thing. If the person in need is not helping themselves that is another.

I suggest you try and make plans to move elsewhere either near your boyfriend or just 'away'. Do not let your mother or anyone involved in her care know until the last minute, as late as you can manage. This limits the time they can put pressure on you. Get non refundable deposits paid and tickets bought before breaking the news so it is harder to cave in to pressure.

SS have fixed budgets and centralised priorities. They will not step in if there is a chance someone else will. If your mother has refused help then that is her problem, she is the one who should pay for that decision, not you.

I wish you all the best.

Agree with others who say Step back. You are not required to be your mother's carer. However, all the services (NHS, Council, social services etc) will assume that you will take on that role. Because it's easier for them. It's cheaper for them, You're female.

You'll have to be really tough to make yourself unavailable. It will feel as though you're deserting your mother, but you're not. You're trying to get her the best care possible.

Don't do it.
Seriously.
Get SS on ok ex and explain you do seasonal work and won't be around for much longer.

YANBU

If SS and OT say that she doesn't need care, then you can remind her of that as you leave. Don't let getting caught up in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) stop you leading your own life. If your mother's friends are so concerned about her, you can allow them to take over her care needs.

It's almost always women who end up as the carers for elderly parents. I know a family of 4 brothers who all have professional jobs. Nobody even batted an eyelid when their mother went into a nursing home and it was never, ever suggested that any of them gave up their jobs to care for her!

Yes.
Exactly.

Been there. Done that. My advice would be to leave as soon as you can. It will be hard and you will feel guilty and may be even pressurised by stat services, but you have to remain strong for your own sanity and wellbeing if nothing else. You cannot make your DM's choices for her, but you can make your own. Her negativity will, in the end, kill your positivity.