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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be my mother's carer

140 replies

Sillyjelly · 23/01/2015 11:59

I am in my late 20s and I returned home last autumn due to unemployment. I do a very specific and often seasonal type of work and have only recently secured a new job.

Over winter DM's health deteriorated significantly. I spend all my time cooking and cleaning, dealing with her medicines, running errands etc. However she is sometimes a cruel and selfish woman, and my physical and emotional well being has taken a hit (not helped by being unemployed for the first time).

I also started a new relationship last year, and the way my mother treats me has meant my DP is very reluctant to visit here (although does) and I'm scared this situation will jeopardise our relationship.

My mother has been hospitalised twice in the last 4 weeks and I feel a huge amount of pressure from professionals, neighbours and family friends to stay in the house and provide full time care. I have lost my identity, they just see me as her daughter and these are the main people I regularly talk to. They also think I don't do enough, I was sitting right next to her hospital bed while she explained to a friend on the phone that she felt "abandoned" and like she "has no family".

The idea of giving up a career I have worked hard to build, giving up the chance of having of my own family, even just giving up lazy Sundays forever and nights out with friends frankly makes me want to cry.

She also has a particular way of calling my name (stressing the second syllable) at 3am when she wants a cup of tea and it makes me want to jump out of a window.

WIBU to leave? I'm desperate to leave but DM sabotages my attempts at gaining her some help. She can act capable for some people, and vulnerable for others. DSis supports me but nobody else understands DM's games.

I am probably a terrible, selfish daughter but I'm not yet 30, DM had children later in life to enjoy her 20s and 30s and I feel like she is robbing mine.

OP posts:
Scatlett4456 · 23/01/2015 20:12

Step away from the problem.

It's awful but I would run.

Bloodymidges · 23/01/2015 20:13

I watched my Mum run around after my Grandma for decades. It exhausted her. Grandma just would not admit she needed help, and wouldn't accept 'strangers' in her house or helping her. It ended badly as her mental health deteriorated and she wouldn't accept the help she needed.

After she died my it was like a ton had lifted off Mum's shoulders and the relief she felt was massive.

Get out now OP. Make plans. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have the right to a life.

SlicedAndDiced · 23/01/2015 20:13

Oh dear op what an awful situation for you.

I would happily care for my mum ( I keep trying to get her to move in now ha)

However that is because it would be my choice, there is a large family support network and my mother is a wonderful kind woman who has given me so much.

My bil's mother is a poisonous old woman, cruel and full of back handed compliments. Now she is getting older she keeps trying to emotionally blackmail my sister into helping her out.

I think no matter the age or relation, if a person is putting upon you or treating you unkindly you have every right to walk away. You need to look after yourself op.

BouleSheet · 23/01/2015 20:21

Yes, they want you to stay and be her carer so she is not their problem. DP is in the same situation though he does do a lot of stuff for his mum (for the past 14 years Shock). He also didn't have a good relationship with his mother and had counselling to help him. He is sometimes very bitter about her but most of the time tries to be compassionate. I admire him greatly but I swear I could not do it. Don't feel bad. Some people are better able for this than others.

notmyusualname25 · 23/01/2015 20:22

I've been in this situation - or similar - since I was about four years old, and I sphave struggled.mMy mum doesn't want me to be her carer though, so I suppose a bit different, but professionals are very different. One of my mums carer even asked me, in front of my mum, if I would consider giving her money (my wages, that is) to help her out. I've been called selfish for wanting to manage my own health needs, all sorts. Have had relatives screaming down the phone at me for doing university work rather than caring.

I turned to self harming, agarophobia and severe depression. And I've eaten my own body weight in rubbish over the years.

You are absolutely not selfish, nor a terrible daughter, at all, in any way. You're the exact opposite.

I made myself go to university (with my mum's support) and I met a wonderful GP, who has helped me immensely for the last few years. I was refered to see a psychologist, and I was shown how to get the strength to break free from the people that keep me in this situation. I graduated last summer, and with my GP's help, I was able to secure a job.

I used my skills that I'd developed and my life experience, and I work as a nurse auxiliary now. It's minimum wage and it's still caring but it's so so different. I'm not emotionally involved most of the time (although it's hard sometimes) and at the end of the day I can go home, get a shower, relax. I get days off.

I see my mum still - a lot, and more than others - but I see myself as her daughter and friend. I'm trying to build up on doing more for me, I've joined a meet up group and I am looking into online dating (scary thought).

It's such a difficult situation to get into and I feel hugely for you, I just want to give you a hug and a glass of wine and a night to yourself.

Please contact your GP, look into local organisations - if you tell me roughly where you are I could google for you, don't leave this until it gets worse and even harder.

You need a life too and you need to care for you, first and foremost xxx

FryOneFatManic · 23/01/2015 20:23

the way my mother treats me has meant my DP is very reluctant to visit here

This is probably deliberate. She wants you to be her carer, and you having a partner would take at least some of your attention away from her.

lomega · 23/01/2015 20:37

It sounds like she needs a carer. SS need to be involved because it is very unfair on you to be a full time carer when you really can't manage. It is ok to ask for help - you wouldn't be abandoning her (though she wants you to think that I guess). Very few people are physically, emotionally and practically able to care for family members full time. It's why I take my hat off to carers and nurses, it is HARD work...

I have a family member who desperately needs a live-in carer or at least some help because she is disabled (takes her an hour to go to the toilet, for example if there is nobody home to help her, can't get out of bed on her own and will often fall etc). but she is too proud to ask or admit that she needs anyone. her husband is small and quite frail with his own health issues so struggles to lift her/help her with toileting etc, plus he works long hours and works abroad a lot, she is often left alone. But she will not have anyone else come to help her, I think she feels embarrassed and is in denial of how bad her health is....maybe your mum is feeling like this re getting in anyone external?? She probably leans on you and moans to you because she knows she can get away with it, and is cantankerous because of her health, but is too proud to admit she needs some outside help. just a thought.

good luck whatever happens though, yanbu at all to want your own life

minsmum · 23/01/2015 20:38

Don't do it get out of there as soon as you can. When my dm was diagnosed with terminal cancer a year ago the hospital and social services just assumed that my dsis and I would give up work and care for her. No thought was given to how we would pay our mortgages or our families. I contacted a cancer charity to ask for advice and their advice was to just say no. We ended up doing the night care for a year and it nearly broke both of us.
We are now getting our lives back, slowly and that was just doing it for a year. We got lots of pressure from family and friends but if you and your sister agree it's no one else's business. Let them do it if they are that bothered.

quietbatperson · 23/01/2015 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmAllImportant · 23/01/2015 20:42

Sweetheart, I was a care assistant for years and am now a student nurse. My DM is nowhere near as difficult as yours!

Yet................ I could not in all honesty be her carer should she need it.

The difference being, in my job, I do my 13 hour shift and walk away. As a carer for a relative, you do not get to do that.

Step away, you have your DSis's support, that should speak volumes.

Good luck!

MehsMum · 23/01/2015 20:43

She told her friend how neglectful you were over the phone while you were there listening?
She wants you to make her cups of tea at 3a.m?

She sounds manipulative, demanding and downright nasty. Get out of there as soon as you can.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2015 20:51

And don't sort anything for her.

You just up and leave.

Can you stay with your partner?

I would pack my stuff and go.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 23/01/2015 21:01

I agree with every one else. Been there, nearly killed me (no exaggeration). SS will try and avoid paying costs, taking on care as much as possible - please just walk out and stay out. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Walk out, now.

cricketballs · 23/01/2015 21:25

I'm going to go against the majority and say YABU; no matter what you think of your DM she gave birth to you, nursed you, educated you, looked after you and therefore she deserves the return - the circle of life.

There is a lot to be said of the communities worldwide that don't see the parents/grandparents as a burden but as a responsibility to the younger generation to take care of

expatinscotland · 23/01/2015 21:31

I gave birth to my children, nursed them, feed them, try my best to bring them up well.

Under NO circumstance would I want them to feel they are beholden to care for me because of that. That is not why I had them, it was my choice.

I would never want them to give up their lives for me.

That's selfish as all fuck.

Don't just walk away, OP, RUN. Sounds like your mother cricketballs found your thread.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/01/2015 21:33

cricketballs, there is also a lot to be said for parents/grandparents not being despicable manipulative nasty liars.

bigbluestars · 23/01/2015 21:37

I care for my mother. We share a home. She is elderly and vulnerable and has no one else to care for her.

I look after her because it is the most humane thing to do.

CPtart · 23/01/2015 21:37

"She deserves the return??" I've never heard such crap. You don't have children just so they can care for you in old age. As a district nurse I saw many families (usually women) crushed trying to fulfil this misplaced sense of "responsibility" with awful knock on effects for their own health. How utterly selfish.

cricketballs · 23/01/2015 21:38

expat - nothing of the sort - but, no matter how much I have fallen out with my DM and there is a lot of history there at the end of the day, she gave me life, and therefore I owe her that.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2015 21:40

It would sadden me if my daughter never had children because she cared for me.

formerbabe · 23/01/2015 21:40

Absolutely agree with expatinscotland I would hate my children to look after me when I get old. I want them to have fantastic, interesting, fulfilling lives without the burden of looking after me.

cricketballs · 23/01/2015 21:42

is it not selfish to only think of yourself and not care for your parents when they need you?

CPtart · 23/01/2015 21:43

You OWE her nothing cricket balls. What a strange train of thought. I've had DC for the pleasure of watching them grow and develop. Leave home and have jobs and families of their own. They owe me nothing either.

IAmAllImportant · 23/01/2015 21:43

"She deserves the return??" I've never heard such crap. You don't have children just so they can care for you in old age. As a district nurse I saw many families (usually women) crushed trying to fulfil this misplaced sense of "responsibility" with awful knock on effects for their own health. How utterly selfish.

I remember my dear GM saying to me once, when I dared to suggest she had 5 children and 11 grandchildren and a few Great grandchildren that should she become ill, we would manage between us, 'You don't see a kitten take care of the cat'. She was most indignant! She had been telling me, as she had all the others, that should she become ill, we should 'finish her off'.

Bless her, she had a stroke, then another quickly after, which did indeed 'finish her off'.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2015 21:43

You don't owe her your life.

And certainly not giving up a partner, job and your own children to be a carrier.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.