Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be my mother's carer

140 replies

Sillyjelly · 23/01/2015 11:59

I am in my late 20s and I returned home last autumn due to unemployment. I do a very specific and often seasonal type of work and have only recently secured a new job.

Over winter DM's health deteriorated significantly. I spend all my time cooking and cleaning, dealing with her medicines, running errands etc. However she is sometimes a cruel and selfish woman, and my physical and emotional well being has taken a hit (not helped by being unemployed for the first time).

I also started a new relationship last year, and the way my mother treats me has meant my DP is very reluctant to visit here (although does) and I'm scared this situation will jeopardise our relationship.

My mother has been hospitalised twice in the last 4 weeks and I feel a huge amount of pressure from professionals, neighbours and family friends to stay in the house and provide full time care. I have lost my identity, they just see me as her daughter and these are the main people I regularly talk to. They also think I don't do enough, I was sitting right next to her hospital bed while she explained to a friend on the phone that she felt "abandoned" and like she "has no family".

The idea of giving up a career I have worked hard to build, giving up the chance of having of my own family, even just giving up lazy Sundays forever and nights out with friends frankly makes me want to cry.

She also has a particular way of calling my name (stressing the second syllable) at 3am when she wants a cup of tea and it makes me want to jump out of a window.

WIBU to leave? I'm desperate to leave but DM sabotages my attempts at gaining her some help. She can act capable for some people, and vulnerable for others. DSis supports me but nobody else understands DM's games.

I am probably a terrible, selfish daughter but I'm not yet 30, DM had children later in life to enjoy her 20s and 30s and I feel like she is robbing mine.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/01/2015 21:45

'is it not selfish to only think of yourself and not care for your parents when they need you?'

At the expense of having a life of your own? No.

CPtart · 23/01/2015 21:47

Is your DM not thinking of herself when expecting you to care for her??? Is that not selfish?

cricketballs · 23/01/2015 21:50

"you don't owe her your life" if it wasn't for her you wouldn't have a life

"fuck that for a game of soldiers" - never have I heard anything so selfish in my life - family is family and like it or not sometimes they need help/support and as family you are in place to provide it even if that means you are put out; tough that's life (and life is more than about you and your little bubble)

drudgetrudy · 23/01/2015 21:51

Caring for your mother does not mean that you have to completely sacrifice yourself-there is a middle way.
Think carefully what you are prepared to do and what you are not prepared to do and present this to the Social Workers.
Be firm-you are young and deserve your own life.
I would tell them straight that you need to work-you cannot subsidise your Mum financially and you are about to move out of the house.
Unless your Mum is totally immobile and mentally confused calling for a drink at 3am is extremely selfish.
If you are in your 20s I would guess that she is unlikely to be older than early 70s.
Both your Mum and the social workers may put pressure on you initially-but if you are firm they will have to accept it.
Try to find an advocate to help and support you.

Gymbob · 23/01/2015 21:55

No doubt I'll be in the same situation as the OP in the not too distant future. I'll be doing the decent thing when it does happen - it won't be me looking after her.

drudgetrudy · 23/01/2015 21:56

Cricketballs-I think you are being very unfair to expect a young woman in her 20s to revolve her entire life around caring for her Mum.
Most Mum's would be devastated if they thought that was the situation.
Caring for a relative can sometimes be as much about co-ordinating care as doing every single thing yourself-and about keeping a check that it is all going smoothly.
Also about spending periods of quality time with the relative-not becoming their slave.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2015 21:56

She chose to have you, cricket. It wasn't a choice for you.

I think it's beyond selfish for any parent to expect their child to forgo having a partner, job and their own kids in order to care for them.

Sickening and manipulative, actually.

crawk · 23/01/2015 21:59

Cricketballs - you're being argumentative or naive - take your pick.

formerbabe · 23/01/2015 21:59

Getting pregnant and giving birth does not give you a right to hijack your child's future so that you have a carer for life.

RandomNPC · 23/01/2015 22:00

I'd hate for my daughters to feel that they should have to look after me when I'm old and sacrifice their own lives. I'd rather put stones in my pockets and jump in the canal.

SkyHighWhy · 23/01/2015 22:01

Slice: "I would happily care for my mum ( I keep trying to get her to move in now ha)" "it would be my choice, ... my mother is a wonderful kind woman who has given me so much"

For your sake, I hope she remains so, and is not victim to the ravages of dementia, stroke or any other mental or physical affliction which strike randomly and can change a person's personality.

CPtart · 23/01/2015 22:01

It would be interesting to know if those promoting family care really wish to do it themselves. Actually want to do it (inheritance aside).
The whole "family" duty shite smacks of brainwashing and manipulation.
Let's be honest, most people have DC for purely selfish reasons.

drudgetrudy · 23/01/2015 22:02

Most mothers want their kids to have happy fulfilling lives. If OP's mother is of sound mind and actually wants OP to forego a career, relationship, family of her own etc. she is a very selfish woman who is owed nothing.

notmyusualname25 · 23/01/2015 22:04

Sometimes you have to just do it - if the social worker asks you to stay at home, say no. Make it hard for them - save whatever money you can, get a job if you can, get a flat or a room, stay at a friends, whatever you have to do. Don't make it easy for them.

When someone phones - say, no, I can't be there. If mums in hospital - yes, you can visit but no, you can't be her carer when she goes home. Why, because you have a job, a home, a life of your own.

One of the most empowering things I did - and it sounds daft - was my gran and sister phoning me 25 times in the space of two hours. I think the third time, I said (I remember exactly) - 'I have a lot to do. I'm not able to help you. Let me know how it works out tomorrow, I'm now turning my phone off.' They were fuming - but they had expected me to travel 30 miles at 11.30pm to care for my sister, the night before my final university dissertation was due in.

No one has a duty to give up their life to care for another person, no matter what that person did for them.

SlicedAndDiced · 23/01/2015 22:04

SkyHighWhy Believe me Sky, I am well versed in the devastating impact dementia can have.

However my point was that I am happy to care for my mother whatever the circumstances when the time comes as it is my choice, and also because I know I will have a large support network also.

But it is absolutely not a right for every parent nor a duty for every child.

bigbluestars · 23/01/2015 22:05

My mother is quite disagreeable and we don't have a particulary good relationship, yet we live together.

I wouldn't want my DD to care for me either, but I am not my mother- she was born in a different era where she expected others to care for her at the expense of her own independance.

knackered69 · 23/01/2015 22:10

Like Lisa med I have also been there. Mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness -at the same time my sister has a life limiting illness and was in ITU at the same time My sister is a hoarder so as well as visiting my mum in one hospital, I was visiting my sister in another. I was also trying to sort their house out. Then my mum died so I had to sort out all her finances, funeral and probate - my sister recovered somewhat from her cardiac arrest, stepped down to a ward then to a rehabilitation unit. In the meantime there was little support from ss etc - they just wanted her out. Understandably as they need the bed.

Meanwhile - I live 200 miles away and am dealing with all this - I work, and and am a single parent of two kids - The ward sister phoned me to tell me that they were coming in the next day to put in hand rails for my sister coming home and I had to be there - the fact that I live 200 miles away and was at work didn't count -I was suddenly responsible.

This was all 3 months ago - and I will never forget the lack of support...

cricketballs · 23/01/2015 22:13

crawk - neither I just think that some posters seem to think that its a case of you gave birth, looked after me etc now fuck off is ok and I don't agree with that.

I argue with my DM just as soon as looking at her and in recent weeks have had a real struggle as she has been very unwell (hospitalised, very serious condition) and with a SEN DS, a DH that works away often it has been hard work, especially when she has demanded that I do this, that and the other but at the end of the day she is my mother to even think of not doing the utmost would not even be in my thoughts so it surprises/upsets me to think that there are so many out there who would just walk away form the person who gave birth to them and cared for them

formerbabe · 23/01/2015 22:18

Cricket...so you have a husband and a child... Would you have been willing to sacrifice getting married and having a child of your own in order to care for your mother? Would you want that for your dd?

CPtart · 23/01/2015 22:26

Cricket balls- you, your DC and your DH come first, second and third. Your DM's wants come quite a way down the line. Your DS has SEN and your DH works away yet she still "demands" of you. What do you honestly think about that behaviour? What does that say about her nature and personality? Are those positive traits in a person ?

HelenaDove · 23/01/2015 22:27

CP thats why this is definately a feminist issue.

bigbluestars · 23/01/2015 22:34

helena- is it? Many men are carers too.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 23/01/2015 22:35

Cricketballs, would you really want one of your children to miss out on having a job, a relationship and children because they needed to care for you? Would you be so willing to care for your mother if she told everyone how useless you are? Naturally most of us would help out in the short term if we could, but the OP is a young woman who could end up being a carer for 10 or even 20 years.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/01/2015 22:39

"if it wasn't for her you wouldn't have a life"
Which begs, for me, the question - did OP's mother give birth to have offspring, or to have slaves? Did she have no pleasure in raising her children, or did she see it as a necessary chore to provide for her future? Because to suggest that you owe someone to that degree really does make you a slave. They OWN you, you have nothing, are nothing, except in relation to them. cricketballs, can you truly not see that?

You say "at the end of the day she is my mother to even think of not doing the utmost would not even be in my thoughts". That could be because you have a genuinely strong and mutually supportive relationship and caring for her gives you satisfaction. Alternatively, it could be because you have been groomed from birth by a narcissist to serve her needs, wants and whims. Or anything in-between.

In the OP's situation, she is in her late 20s, and her mother is a manipulative liar who is trying to put the clappers on her career and relationship. Should such a person be pandered to, simply because of the blood relationship? Should her behaviour be rewarded with a slave, simply because she gave birth to the slave? Or, should she shoulder the consequences of her lies and manipulation?

In my opinion, as soon as a parent tries it on in the way the OP has described - any sense of duty, affection, obligation will evaporate. And so it should! Read the posts of those MNers who have lived through this experience already, and ask yourself why you would ask someone else to sacrifice their future for one such as the OP's mother.

notmyusualname25 · 23/01/2015 22:41

There are lots of male carers - when I was a member of a group there were more boys than girls. Most of those boys will have grown up continuing in their role as there wasn't a way of breaking free. We had a specialist support worker for males and there were groups for adult male carers. I don't know if these still go as most were shut down due to lack of funding.

If anything boys and men can sometimes have it quite hard , being a carer goes entirely against the stereotypical male role doesn't it? If we are thinking of society expectations anyway..