To not want to be my mother's carer

[Sillyjelly]

I am in my late 20s and I returned home last autumn due to unemployment. I do a very specific and often seasonal type of work and have only recently secured a new job.

Over winter DM's health deteriorated significantly. I spend all my time cooking and cleaning, dealing with her medicines, running errands etc. However she is sometimes a cruel and selfish woman, and my physical and emotional well being has taken a hit (not helped by being unemployed for the first time).

I also started a new relationship last year, and the way my mother treats me has meant my DP is very reluctant to visit here (although does) and I'm scared this situation will jeopardise our relationship.

My mother has been hospitalised twice in the last 4 weeks and I feel a huge amount of pressure from professionals, neighbours and family friends to stay in the house and provide full time care. I have lost my identity, they just see me as her daughter and these are the main people I regularly talk to. They also think I don't do enough, I was sitting right next to her hospital bed while she explained to a friend on the phone that she felt "abandoned" and like she "has no family".

The idea of giving up a career I have worked hard to build, giving up the chance of having of my own family, even just giving up lazy Sundays forever and nights out with friends frankly makes me want to cry.

She also has a particular way of calling my name (stressing the second syllable) at 3am when she wants a cup of tea and it makes me want to jump out of a window.

WIBU to leave? I'm desperate to leave but DM sabotages my attempts at gaining her some help. She can act capable for some people, and vulnerable for others. DSis supports me but nobody else understands DM's games.

I am probably a terrible, selfish daughter but I'm not yet 30, DM had children later in life to enjoy her 20s and 30s and I feel like she is robbing mine.

YANBU.
You're in your 20s, you should be enjoying life, having fun in your relationship and your career.

I was in a situation in my 20s where my boyfriend at the time was hospitalised due to a breakdown, because I was the one visiting him there was an assumption (even though we weren't living together) that I was his caregiver and would look after him when he got out and somehow handle all of this whilst working f/t an hour away.

Because the system is at cracking point people will try to pass care over to relatives and as you are sitting in the property currently, then you'll seem like an obvious person to do this.

Sometimes you have to do what's right for you and not what other people think you should. Your DM is presumably not that old if you are in your 20s so she could live for a long time.

I'm in my 40s and I have watched a very dear friend of mine pass up the chance to have a relationship and DCs because of her DM's health problems. She no longer goes on holiday because the DM expects to see her every weekend. She seems happy enough but I wonder what she'll do when the inevitable happens and her DM passes away.

Don't stay and be the primary care giver to your DM, you owe it to yourself to forge the life you need to have.

You are so NBU. Move out, enjoy your new job, build up your career, spend time with your DP. By all means look forward to having your own family. Having a child is the best thing I have ever done.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother. I had to set really strong boundaries for myself and make an effort to stick to them. You are already feeling burnt out and resentful. If you stay, it will only get worse.

You don't need to call your DM a liar. Just tell everyone, including your mum, what you have decided, you are starting a new job and moving into your own place. It's entirely normal for an adult woman to have a job and a home.

YANBU OP, you and your sister need to sort out a care package with ss
but personally I muddled through and gave up my college course to look after my Dad when he was ill.
I suppose it depends on how old your mum is though and the illness.
I know it can be hard and I wouldn't suggest you give your life up, but maybe the actual care she needs is no more than you and your ds could offer between you.
Ditto about her friends, maybe they can offer a day between them.

she sound v manipulative
rude and nasty

please get awawy from her

This is so hard. Mum lived with us for 10 years when the children were small but there came a time when I had to change things.

Like your mum, mine could convince medical and ss staff that she was absolutely fine. The important thing for me was ensuring my sisters and DH could see how things really were. Thankfully they backed me up when, after she had a hospital stay with a stroke and campylobacter, I said I couldn't manage her at home any more.

We were told over and over again that Mum was mentally all there and knew what she was doing. I think I would have found it easier if they had said she had dementia because at least then I would have felt that she wasn't deliberately doing awful things to us.

The last year that Mum lived with us I felt I aged a year for every month that passed by. My husband was working away during the week and our four children were aged between 2 and 6.

Making the changes that we did was the only way for us.

Good luck with whatever you decide, it isn't easy whatever you do.

I'm with all the others - go and do not feel guilty. I speak as someone who has withdrawn care as I was on the edge of a breakdown. It was awful, don't let yourself get there.

Is she capable of being in the house at night alone? Aside from the tea I mean. If so, you must move out pronto. NOTHING will change whilst you are resident in the house. The SS will see you as a Carer, and you won't get half the attention or be treated as urgently if you are still there. So its not just for your own sanity, its actually for very practical reasons.

If you have a new job now, then go and rent a room in a shared house. Don't tell your Mum you're doing this.

Then present it as a fait d'accompli, having paid a deposit. She'll go mad, but so what? Ride it out. At least you'll get a break.

And then you can present it to SS as an infirm lady living alone.

I have older parents and have been in this boat. We wouldn't have gotten any help if we'd returned home to live. Oh my God, pressure was brought to bear. Emotional manipulation of the highest order. But we stayed living elsewhere and therefore SS took the situation more seriously.

Be clever, and learn to be a bit emotionally manipulative yourself. I find with older parents that there comes a point where they forget they're parents. In other words, they forget to look out for their childs welfare. Its no harm to give them a guilt trip on return from time to time to remind them that they should want the best for their children, even if those children are grown.

YANBU get out while you still can.

I have somehow become carer to MIL and SIL and it is not how I imagined my life to be. I have days were I think "if I divorce DH then I'd not be expected to do it any more"

It is a tiring thankless task, I have my own dc to look after, one who has SN himself, and I constantly feel like I'm drowning with all the stress.

Get out now. I agree with PP who said speak to SS in the hospital, they will hopefully try get things into place before she leaves.

One bright side, and this sounds terribly morbid and dreadful but there is an advantage to having older parents which is that you're home free by 45/50.

You just have to make bloody sure that you have a family and life in your 20s/30s as otherwise, yes you'll be free earlier than some, but you won't be able to get some things back, such as children.

Its taken a lot of bolshiness and plain hard-headedness for me & my siblings to carve out time to get spouses and children when the parents were constantly putting on pressure. But we were determined and we did it. You must too. This is the time when you have to be most selfish as she'll never be healthier (wobbly as she is) as she is right now.

Don't do it.

I looked after my mother for a month when she was in end stage cancer and it just about broke me...and that was just for a month.

Depression, job after didn't work out, nightmares...I would make the same decision now to be fair, but it was only for a month. I can't imagine doing it on an open ended basis, maybe for years.

What no-one tells you is how the emotional toll of caring for someone is far greater on a relative than on a professional.

There is an article in Red magazine this month "Would you let your in laws move in" All the way throughout the article there is the assumption that its the womans job.
The article is written by a woman whose MIL stays with them for 4 days every other week with a view to staying there permanently. Husband already "slopes off to watch sports" while the writer was with MIL in the kitchen At the moment apparently this lady doesnt need a great deal of care but can be a bit emotionally manipulative although is a kind woman too. As i was reading it i couldnt help wondering if the "sloping off to watch sports" thing was a sign of things to come.
"kelly" lives with her H and his family so close to the in laws and has accepted the fact that she will do the caring as a done deal.
"Sophies " husband Simon wanted her to care for his mum because she was terminally ill with cancer. He didnt ask Sophie or consult with her He just came home and TOLD her she was doing it. Sophie flat out refused. With two toddlers and a colicky baby plus him TELLING her she would be doing it i could see why.
He moved out and in with his mum and got NHS carers in while he was at work. His mum sadly died 3 months later and after that he moved back in with Sophie.
"I think he understands now that he was wrong to do what he did"
If it were me i think too much resentment would have built up over being told and taken for granted that i was going to do it.

Not once did the article mention that it seems to be women who end up doing the caring or being bullied into it because we dont happen to have a penis. And i was quite disappointed about that.

If i had been treated the way Simon treated Sophie i dont think i could have come back from that.

You don't say how old your mum is, but this could go on for years. Leave now - otherwise you will end up being your mother's servant for years and years.
I moved in with MiL after a fall - only saw DH at weekends - it was hell, and I loved MiL!
Don't be pressured into giving up your life, move out, live your own life.
You don't have to totally abandon her, she IS your mum, but help by getting her help, from a distance iyswim
And tea at 3am? No way - put earplugs in a give her a flask if she must drink in bed!

HelenaDove You should send that post in to their letters page.

I agree with everyone else, get out of there OP. And that goes for the rest of you too! All that 'It's too late for us, but save yourself' stuff - are you sure? You are all entitled to your own lives!

*That sounds glib actually, I didn't mean it to.

I felt quite shocked by the end of your OP Sillyjelly. So let me say upfront that you are absolutely NOT a terrible, selfish daughter. Your mother, on the other hand ...

"the way my mother treats me has meant my DP is very reluctant to visit here"
She must be pretty awful for someone, anyone, to feel that.

I felt so angry when you wrote " I was sitting right next to her hospital bed while she explained to a friend on the phone that she felt "abandoned" and like she "has no family"."
I'd imagine you were shocked rigid when she said that. What she said a complete lie, but think about why she lied in front of your face. She wanted you to know the lies she was spreading about you. It was to intimidate you. 'Everyone will think you're horrible if you leave me.' Fucking despicable manipulation on her part .

I know you say "I don't want to outright describe DM as a liar to her friends", and I expect she knows that, but you need to understand just what her lies are about. They're strategic, they're meant to trap you into being her skivvy. You either need to counter them, or to not care about what the people she lies to think of you. Either strategy will work. Personally I would go with not caring what her friends think; once you're free of her you'll never see them again.

As for her health: how bad is it? You said "Over winter DM's health deteriorated significantly" and "My mother has been hospitalised twice in the last 4 weeks". But - and it's a very big but - "DM can magically cope when she talks to [SS] and could pass the OTs tests so isn't prioritised the way she should be." So logically, she has to be pretending some of the time for this to be the case. Either she's pretending to be iller than she is (to you and the hospital), or she's pretending to be less ill than she is (to SS/OT). It could be either, because whichever it is she is rewarded by you being her skivvy. You say yourself that "She can act capable for some people, and vulnerable for others." That is precisely what she is doing, and for the worst of reasons.

YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE, ASAP.

Like others have said, make your plans, arrange somewhere else to live, pack your bags and inform her you're leaving as you put your bags into the car/a friend picks you up/the taxi pulls up at the door. I wouldn't bother informing SS, she can do this herself. I might drop a letter to her GP informing them that you have moved out and that you will not be moving back in EVER and that you will not be your mother's Carer and all care plans made from now on must reflect that FACT. But that's just a courtesy and in no way required of you.

YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE, ASAP.

YANBU. My dear mother would have leant on me and made me her slave. She cried as she said she could not manage at home alone, not even in er sheltered housing. I went round local residential homes and got her a place. She loved it, the staff looked after her and she was relaxed and happy and so was I.

I'm a care of the elderly nurse and see first hand what relatives go through when caring for a parent and some of the terrible manipulation that parents can dish out.

You need to be strong, assertive and just keep repeating to SS that you are not available to be her carer and that something will need to be sorted out.

Your mother needs to take some responsibility for her situation and her attitude.

I looked after my mentally ill mother for 15 years, into my mid twenties and totally missed out on any fun, educational opportunities and relationships. I don't recommend it. Throwing my life away to look after that ungrateful, manipulative cow is my greatest regret.

Do not be guilted into this. You are completely justified in moving into your own place.

Please do this, please get any help you can. Xx

You need to move, as soon as possible. Do not throw away your life.

I watched my.mother run around after my grandmother for 40 years. Never get into that situation. Never.

YANBU. My DM cared for my grandmother after my grandad died (not living in) and was on medication for high blood pressure within a few months. The constant demands nearly led her to a nervous breakdown.
Please think of yourself. Your mothers health will only get worse. Even if your mother were sweetness itself I wouldn't recommend it and any mother wanting the best for her child wouldn't expect you to do it either.

Yes, you MUST move out. Or nothing will change.
You must also stay away from any family or friends who try to guilt you into taking on this thankless role.

I don't know how old she is but she can easy live into her 90s - are you prepared to spend all those years as a carer with no career or relationships?

Old dears seem to morph into utterly selfish, needy burdens with no qualms about what demands they are putting on someone else. I don't know why, just hope I don't do the same.

I moved 180 miles away from my family. Best decision I ever made. My mother still tries to guilt trip me into doing stuff ("well, it'll be on your conscience" ), but I've learnt to ignore it and put my happiness first. Don't feel guilty about leaving and getting on with your life.

Is tricky because I want to stick my neck out a bit and say that my parents have been so great to me than when the time comes I would like to be able to support them however I can. But I do realise that my situation would be very different because, baring dementia, my parents would not manipulate me (or my brothers) into helping them, but would me as self-sufficient as possible even if they needed help.

I agree. You need to get out now OP, before everyone else's expectations get unbearable.