To not want to be my mother's carer

[Sillyjelly]

I am in my late 20s and I returned home last autumn due to unemployment. I do a very specific and often seasonal type of work and have only recently secured a new job.

Over winter DM's health deteriorated significantly. I spend all my time cooking and cleaning, dealing with her medicines, running errands etc. However she is sometimes a cruel and selfish woman, and my physical and emotional well being has taken a hit (not helped by being unemployed for the first time).

I also started a new relationship last year, and the way my mother treats me has meant my DP is very reluctant to visit here (although does) and I'm scared this situation will jeopardise our relationship.

My mother has been hospitalised twice in the last 4 weeks and I feel a huge amount of pressure from professionals, neighbours and family friends to stay in the house and provide full time care. I have lost my identity, they just see me as her daughter and these are the main people I regularly talk to. They also think I don't do enough, I was sitting right next to her hospital bed while she explained to a friend on the phone that she felt "abandoned" and like she "has no family".

The idea of giving up a career I have worked hard to build, giving up the chance of having of my own family, even just giving up lazy Sundays forever and nights out with friends frankly makes me want to cry.

She also has a particular way of calling my name (stressing the second syllable) at 3am when she wants a cup of tea and it makes me want to jump out of a window.

WIBU to leave? I'm desperate to leave but DM sabotages my attempts at gaining her some help. She can act capable for some people, and vulnerable for others. DSis supports me but nobody else understands DM's games.

I am probably a terrible, selfish daughter but I'm not yet 30, DM had children later in life to enjoy her 20s and 30s and I feel like she is robbing mine.

Excellent post whereyouleftit.

What kind of person deliberately brings on a hypo by not eating meals that have been left for them? She's highly manipulative, selfish person who is trying to guilt her lovely, caring daughter into being her full time carer. If your mother worsens her health or even kills herself in the process of not cooperating, you need to remember that this is her choice, not yours. If she was even vaguely normal she would want you to have a happy, independent life and would not deliberately put herself at risk.

Great post Whereyouleftit. Ive actually seen nhs workers on this very board moaning that families dont do enough.

Ive seen them look down on family carers for being on benefits but all of a sudden when it comes to bed blocking the sun shines out of a carers arse.
And when that doesnt work the guilt tripping will start.

Oh .....and discharging someone at 3am is another tactic used that ive seen mentioned on here. Expat is right. Move out NOW!

Agree that is a great post from Whereyouleftit.

One thing to be aware of is people like your Mum often deliberately sabotage things so they don't work our or send them away saying they don't need help. SS will then say if they don't accept help there is nothing we can do as people have the right to make what others sed as unwise decisions.

Given your Mother's performance with the not eating I think she will try whatever she can to draw her back in. This is where you have to stay very firm and point out to her that if SS feel care st home has failed they will start talking residential care so the choice is on her hands.

I'd also suggest going to your GP if they are good and saying how stressed her behaviour is making you. Mine was great and told me to step back for the sake of my health. This was very helpful for dealing with SS.

Listen to WhereYouLeftIt. She gives excellent advice. NO MORE OF YOU SORTING ALL THIS OUT! She is compos mentis. She is entirely control of her actions.

You ask to speak to the ward sister and insist on an appointment and do what WhereYouLeftIt says.

'They will all think you're horrible'. No, they won't. And if they do, what is it to you?

You need to get out of that house because people like this wear you down.

Your sister has the measure of her.

Move out and when they discharge her at 3am and ring you, remind them you don't live with her, are far away and have work in the morning so they need to sort something else out.

Do not let her ruin your life.

Sorry, but as a mum myself, she's a real bitch. I would never in a million years think of doing this to my daughter. In fact, I would swallow a pile of tablets and be done with it before ever being a burden on my child and preventing her from living her life to the fullest.

Move out and when they discharge her at 3am and ring you, remind them you don't live with her, are far away and have work in the morning so they need to sort something else out.

Don't answer the phone at that time - and if you do just say no - or that doesn't work for me you'll have to sort something else out - and keep saying it - broken record technique.

The more explanation you give more people have to work around you.

At 3 am in the morning my situation would mean I could do nothing - no car, no childcare and some distance away - if I explained that I'm sure someone would come up with unacceptable ways round theses problems and then I'd be unreasonable for not taking them up - fuck that it's an unreasonable request - it's a no - if they persist in such tactics take names or other identifiers and complain about the behaviour.

Order this
www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826 and read it get of the FOG.

You mother isn't going to change, other people have a vested interest in you taking the caring role on - less work for them - you need strategies to deal and very firm boundaries.

OP. If they do discharge her from hospital without appropriate care DO NOT go running over there.
My DM was cared for by my DF untl he died. Shortly afterwards DM ended up in hospital after a fall. Whilst she was in hospital, I made sure that everyone knew that she lived alone and that although she had 3 children, none of them lived near by (75 - 200 miles away) and due to their family situations we were not in a position to care for her. They put a plan and care package together and then discharged her home to an empty house mid-afternoon telling her a carer would be around at teatime to make her tea and a further carer at bedtime to help her into bed (she was recovering from a broken hip and hip replacement). By 6pm no one had arrived so I rang the hospital ward she had been discharged from where everyone tried to pass the buck - on the basis that Social Worker had gone home - we don't know what's going on, there's nothing in her notes...........
I spoke to the ward sister and told her in no uncertain terms that as far as I was concerned, she was responsible for discharging a vulnerable old lady to an empty house with no care in place and therefore the buck stopped with her. I think she 'saw her arse that night'. No way was I dropping everything to do a 150 miles trip to sort out what they should have sorted in the 1st place. I am, incindentally, already a carer for my own disabled daughter who needs far more care than my DM. Turned out they had forgotten to trigger the care package - so it was in place but no one had told the care agency she had been discharged. But as a result of my calls and insistence that they sort it, they ended up sending someone out from the hospital to DMs house at 9.00pm to sort her out - and the following morning my time was taken up with so many phone calls of apology from all concerned, as presumably they tried to fend off a formal complaint,
Make it clear OP that you are not available. Make sure it is in your DMs notes that she lives alone and has no one to care for her. Do this every time you visit her in hospital - there are different nurses there each time, they don't always read the note and make assumptions when they see a visitor.

"OP. If they do discharge her from hospital without appropriate care DO NOT go running over there."

bigblue- I do get the practicalities of what you are saying, but it goes against the grain of what makes me human.

Having my mother vulnerable, alone, afraid, perhaps in pain- it actually makes me shudder a little, and not sure I could be as pragmatic as you have been.

Having my mother vulnerable, alone, afraid, perhaps in pain- it actually makes me shudder a little

That what they are relying on and no one wants that for their their loved ones.

They shouldn't put vulnerable people in such situations - as you read bigbluebus account they had fucked up not triggering the care package. They hadn't done part of their job - she wasn't in a position to rush in but was in a position to it clear that this situation was untenable and known about in advance and it was on them.

Nobody making the OP feel guilty is bothered about her health and long term well being - apart form her sister who isn't guilt tripping - if she doesn't look after herself she could well end up sick and not in a position to offer any kind of support at all - and who does that benefit in the end.

bluestars I care about my DM very much. I do what I can for her within the limitations of my own life. I even use up large chunks of the respite that I get for DD in order to go and visit my DM. But I cannot be her carer. She is not my responsibility - she is a vulnerable adult and as such is the responsibility of Adult Social Care. And before I get jumped on for that comment, my own DD is 20 so I technically have no legal obligation to care for her - but my moral duty means that she still lives at home where I care for her 24/7 for just the pittance they call Carers Allowance.

Sadly if Social Care get a sniff that a relative will take on the task then they will leave you to it. Not everyone can or wants to do the job. It puts a strain on the Mother/Daughter relationship. The OP should be allowed to be a daughter (if she chooses) but shouldn't have to be a carer.

short term pain for long term gain. Nobody wants to upset their relative but you have to play the system to get what you want long term.

I worried a bit about this thread today as I had said that your Mum was behaving selfishly-I started to wonder if she had dementia or a stroke and could not be responsible for her behaviour.
I now see that she is mentally capable-so feel a bit better.
I stand by saying that you need to move out.
This does not mean completely abandoning your Mum.
My mother is 95 and has been increasingly dependent since she was 75, particularly after my Dad died when she was 82.
I have spent a lot of time supporting her and at one time most of my annual leave was devoted to caring for her.
I have often taken leave at short notice for meetings with Social workers and OTs but I have still been able to protect my personal limits. I have done very little physical care (bathing and toileting only in emergencies).
This has meant being very assertive with the professionals helping her-but only one district nurse has actually been unpleasant to me.

I would advise you to be absolutely clear and firm with both your Mum and nurses, social workers etc about what you can and cannot do.
My Mum is now in a nursing home local to me (moved 100 miles). I still visit daily to check everything is okay for her but I do have my own life.
It isn't all or nothing.
My own children are your age now-I would be appalled if they had to make significant sacrifices to care for me.
Be firm! To the professional staff you are one of many cases- and resources are stretched.

I have cared on and off for my DM for years and certainly would not have had it any other way.

There have been times that have been difficult due to her stubbornness but have managed to get through those.
Many times she would relate her condition as being ok to the relevant agencies and medical staff, I would always put them right in front of her.

I do not expect my children to do the same for me at all.

I think that some posters have been rather unkind to Cricketballs I fully understand what she is saying and agree with her on most points.

OP your Mum sounds like she is playing you and if you haven't already done please face her with the way you feel and what you intend to happen whether she agrees or not. Be very straight and upfront with her and the relevant agencies. Then make your final decision as to what you are going to do.

leave.
do not look back.

Leave!
I wish i could. My life is juggling caring for my ill dp and my parents.
The time i get to spend with my kids is not enough and im increasingly depending on alcohol at night to relax.

You deserve more than this