To not want to be my mother's carer

[Sillyjelly]

I am in my late 20s and I returned home last autumn due to unemployment. I do a very specific and often seasonal type of work and have only recently secured a new job.

Over winter DM's health deteriorated significantly. I spend all my time cooking and cleaning, dealing with her medicines, running errands etc. However she is sometimes a cruel and selfish woman, and my physical and emotional well being has taken a hit (not helped by being unemployed for the first time).

I also started a new relationship last year, and the way my mother treats me has meant my DP is very reluctant to visit here (although does) and I'm scared this situation will jeopardise our relationship.

My mother has been hospitalised twice in the last 4 weeks and I feel a huge amount of pressure from professionals, neighbours and family friends to stay in the house and provide full time care. I have lost my identity, they just see me as her daughter and these are the main people I regularly talk to. They also think I don't do enough, I was sitting right next to her hospital bed while she explained to a friend on the phone that she felt "abandoned" and like she "has no family".

The idea of giving up a career I have worked hard to build, giving up the chance of having of my own family, even just giving up lazy Sundays forever and nights out with friends frankly makes me want to cry.

She also has a particular way of calling my name (stressing the second syllable) at 3am when she wants a cup of tea and it makes me want to jump out of a window.

WIBU to leave? I'm desperate to leave but DM sabotages my attempts at gaining her some help. She can act capable for some people, and vulnerable for others. DSis supports me but nobody else understands DM's games.

I am probably a terrible, selfish daughter but I'm not yet 30, DM had children later in life to enjoy her 20s and 30s and I feel like she is robbing mine.

Yes many men are carers big blue but much like it is with single parenthood when men do it they are seen as heroes whereas when women do it it is just expected.

Did you have a specialist support worker for the female carers?

I wouldn't walk away from my mother cricketballs as you so callously put it, I would visit her in her care home at least once a month week

As a mother myself to dds in their 20s and 30s there is no way inthe world I would want them to give up their independence to care for me. Walk away now let social workers get care in place then visit occasionally when it suits you.

No, most of the support workers were women so it wasn't needed to have anyone specific. I think the role was just done so that the older teenage boys had someone they could relate to. It wasn't as successful as was probably hoped - I can't speak for the older adult men though.

I was only 13/14 when I was involved with the group, the vast majority of users were really quite young - they lumped everyone, aged 5 - 19 together. The younger ones would relate well to anyone and didn't have any qualms about talking to a man. The target group, I suppose, teenage boys, didn't relate to him that well. Him being there did mean that they could do residential stuff though, so that was a big positive.

I don't mean to say that male carers are more 'heroic' than women, though. It's just that it can be a very hard job for some of them to take on. There's not the 'going against the grain' if a woman takes on a caring role. It's equally difficult for both sexes, just in different ways.

As OP I am finding it quite hard to reply just now, I am overwhelmed by the support that has been shown to me and feel a little too emotional to respond to every wonderful and helpful post appropriately.

To avoid drip feeding DM is mid 60s with complex (and real) medical needs. I am not reliant on her financially. She was hospitalised once due to a fall that I was not physically strong enough to lift her from. More recently has been due to a hypo after I spent a couple of days with DP ( she did not eat meals I left)

Many PPs have suggested I leave whilst she is in hospital, the unfortunate situation is that DM is currently in the same ward that DF had an extended stay in and died of a hospital borne illness 7 years ago. I need to show I can offer care upon release but have tried to stress today that I have a full-time job to start next week, and I have given DPs address as my permanent contact details.

Upon visiting DM today she was lovely and I'm worried I've disparaged her in this thread, but when I asked her to stress to the nurses that she lives alone in order to get support she said "people will think you're terrible". It was the reminder I needed that she won't truly change. She is not awful, but is perhaps behaving in a manipulative way currently. She is lonely and realistically when I go she has the rest of her life alone.

The waters are also muddied as she was never very supportive of us. DSis reminded me today that while we struggled at university due to means testing, her and DF were enjoying several holidays a year. I don't want to feel bitter about this, she had no responsibility to us as adults, but that lack of care can hurt. She last sent me a birthday card for my 20th and has forgotten since then. She put her own mother in a home immediately and would not care for DF when he had Parkinson's disease and kidney failure.

To the people who are struggling from caring for parents, whether those parents are grateful or not, I respect you so much, having only done this for 6 months. I also think you should take your own advice and leave if you can. As a PP highlighted, it can't ever be too late to make your life your own surely.

I am eternally lucky that while DSis can't help as much as she'd like due to distance, it's as much her priority that I don't get lost in it too, and that DP is willing to support me in my escape. So many people lack that.

Feeling weepy, not a weepy person, thank you.

Crikey, essay^ sorry

She put her own mother in a home immediately and would not care for DF when he had Parkinson's disease and kidney failure

Shes a hypocrite OP!

No, no, no. You are not being unreasonable. Don't do it. We aren't in a third world country - there are provisions made for elderly people who need care, that's what we pay our taxes for. Live your life! You only get one.

Jelly so much experience on here. You deserve your life. Be strong. Facilitate but don't do.

Fuck what everyone else thinks and do what's best for you. End of

Perhaps read toxic parents and see if it rings any bells

OP I have been thinking a lot about your situation.

Although I am a carer for my mother ( one of the sandwich generation) and she lives with us, I already have a husband, teenage kids and own my own home.
You have decades yet to carve a life for yourself- whether that includes a partner or children you need the freedom to make that life without such a burden.
I was deeply in love with a fantastic guy in my mid twenties, we rented a house together and I was hoping that we may marry and one day have a family.
His widowed mother became dependant and he went back to live with her. We continued to date, but I could see that she had caught him in the trap.
She was a widow and he started to fulfill many of the roles of his late father.
She set curfews for him ( on the basis she was a light sleeper and didn't want wakened when he came home late), he couldn't see me on a weekend as she liked to go outings etc.

I finished the relationship, despite caring for him deepy- I could see his good nature was being abused but I didn't want to enter into and struggle for him.

Despite being "gravely" ill, this woman lived another 24 years. and he in that time had abandoned his ( high level forensics) career and become her full time carer.
She died eventually, but by that time my ex was nearly 60 years old- left alone, no wife, no kids, no career, he lives alone and works part time volunteering in a charity shop.
Is saddens me to see how his life has been wasted.

So although I am a carer for my own mother, I am in a very different positon to you sillyjelly, I am in my 50s and caring for my mother is not impacting on the road that my life has taken too much. Yes we have stayed around geographically for decades, but we live near a big city so job prospects have not been hindered too much by that aspect.

Your life is important too- you sound like a caring compassionate woman, don't let your life be taken over as it did to my lovely ex.

Ironically, I think it is often the kind, selfless, appreciative parents (whom you might well want to look after) who are the ones who will never let you give up your jobs/lives to look after them. I know my DM and DF (70s) are mortified by any suggestion of this.

They still insist on helping us with food/money/childcare even though we don't need or want it and refuse (as far as is possible without offending them). I think they 'deserve' my and my sister's care and attention, but I equally know they won't allow it.

OP YANBU, and I say get out quickly.

Op - move out now, before she comes home. Tell her you have done because you know she won't get the help she needs if she lies about having you at home.

She knows she needs help, she is choosing you over paid help. Think about what that says about how she feels about you and your future.

It will be hard, if she won't accept you have a job and a life then she might try to force you into care by not accepting external help. Keep reminding yourself there is an alternative, she isn't using it. Can your sister come to visit to back you up?

I Think the bit about not caring for her Mother and your Father says it all.

Recently I found out that my Mother wanted to put her Mother in a Home after her Father died. My Grandmother was at that time able to live independently and my Aunt was round the corner and visited twice a day. Huge row ensued and my poor Grandmother having just lost her husband basically lost the will to live, didn't fight when she got pneumonia and died on Christmas Eve.

I was told she died of hypothermia as my Aunt didn't look after her. Total rubbish and I suspect she didn't bargain on Google Translate which helped get over the language barrier between me and my Aunt.

My Mother basically made out it was my duty as a daughter to look after her. I find it very hard to get over this now I know she didn't want her own Mum looked after by my Aunt.

You've got the fact she wouldn't look after your Dad either as well in the mix. Please stay strong and don't do it, continue to build your own life.

Upon visiting DM today she was lovely
Hm, yes. My late father could be the soul of charm when he wanted to be, and a manipulative bastard and a bully when he thought that would be more effective in getting his own way.

The waters are also muddied as she was never very supportive of us. DSis reminded me today that while we struggled at university due to means testing, her and DF were enjoying several holidays a year. I don't want to feel bitter about this, she had no responsibility to us as adults
I still feel very responsible towards my eldest, who is now at uni; I still want to be there to help her: it's part of being a parent. If your mother didn't support you, emotionally or financially, it doesn't muddy the waters. It clarifies thing. She didn't care about you, and in expecting you to care for her she is, as another poster said, a hypocrite.

OP, I am sure you still love her - I loved my father for years, and kept on hoping that I'd be 'good enough'. Not until I was about 30 did I understand that I was never going to make the grade, and that I might as well give up trying. I realised at the same time that I had no obligation to love him: loving your parents is as natural as loving your children, and the realisation that you don't love a parent can make you feel a weirdo, but it is also liberating.

Good luck.

There you go then, she would not care for her own mother or husband, so you can walk away with a clear conscience.
Older people do get manipulative. You can promise you help and support in setting up a system to care for her but you should not get involved in the caring.

Do not allow her to leave hospital without a care package in place. Once she's at home, then she's bottom priority and you will be stuck. You can't be there when she gets out. Harden your heart and make yourself number one. You are too young to sacrifice your life.

I'd give the above advice regardless of how she treats you. Even if she was the best mother in the world, you can't sacrifice your hopes and dreams. It's not fair.

So another yanbu

Sorry I need to reiterate that you mustn't let her leave the hospital unless there is adequate support for her. Please refuse to take her home. It is only when they need the hospital bed that they will put enough care into place. There are limited funds and bottom of the pile, are people at home who are managing, no matter how difficult that managing is for others or how it is impacting on others.

Please be strong.
We've had to do the same in the past.

Move out now! Do not be there when she ges out.

And please, please, head over to the 'But we took you to stately homes' threads.

Your toxic mother is classic and used classic techniques: fear, obligation, guilt

Yes, it's funny, my DM had no hand in the care of her DM, it was the responsibility of her sister and not always a happy relationship. But she assumed I would have her move in with me once she couldn't walk more than a few steps.

She moved into a home. In fact she could have paid for enough carers to keep her in her house (an inheritance) but spending such large amounts of money on help she was unable to accept, instead it went to the care home.

Surely we will be more clued up when it's our turn.

"More recently has been due to a hypo after I spent a couple of days with DP ( she did not eat meals I left)"

So she chose not to manage her medical conditions (diabetes?) by deliberately not eating while you were away even though you left food for her.
Basically she punished you for daring to go to see your DP by making herself ill.

So when you do go be prepared for another serious illness hospital admission and more demand for you to move back give up your job etc.

Blimey that's a great point dontdo

Manipulation of the highest order

She made herself sick to punish you for having a life. Don't fal for it. You deserve a life - your job, partner, perhaps a family of your own if you wish.

Once you move out, she will get herself back in hospital.

Stand firm!

Really, the Stately Homes threads will be a big help to you.

Her recent hospital stay "due to a hypo after I spent a couple of days with DP ( she did not eat meals I left)"

Fuck me!

I absolutely agree with IDontDoIroning - this was a calculated move on her part. And she got to kill two birds with one stone, yay her ! One, she punishes you for not dancing attendance on her for a couple of days; and two, she closes the trap just a little bit more by having the hospital staff pressurize you to be her carer and to guilt you. See, it's not just her who thinks you should be her slave carer, EVERYBODY agrees! She is a manipulative piece of work !

This is a pretty classic tactic OP. FOG. Fear, obligation, guilt. She sets up the situation so that you fear a bad outcome (she dies), you feel obliged to take action to prevent that outcome (you become her no-life-of-your-own skivvy) and all the while feeling guilt (that you 'allowed' her to go hypo).

It looks like she is upping the ante here. She's got a sniff that you still have enough sense to want to get out, and she wants to prevent that. You need to step back from your niceness and look at the situation dispassionately. Look for the possible 'why?' behind actions you observe. Look at what she has just done. She had meals already prepared for her, she CHOSE not to eat them despite knowing that would affect her diabetes. Why? What had she to gain by doing so? Well, the above - the pleasure of punishment and FOG.

As IDontDoIroning and expatinscotland said (and probably others because it takes me ages to post), she will continue to escalate. She wants you for a skivvy. Do not succumb, do not accept the pressure the hospital puts upon you. In fact, I would even start the fightback there. I would ask for a word with the doctor/ward manager and I would tell them that your mother deliberately made herself ill in an attempt to make you give up your job and become her carer. And insist that this conversation goes into her medical notes. Point out that she chose not to manage her diabetes and that this resulted in an unnecessary hospital stay, and that you are concerned that she will make further attempts. Tell them that you want them to be aware of this, and to make it clear to her that they are aware of this, because you will not be becoming her carer, and that they need to set up a care package for her now, or she will be back on the ward. You have moved out of the house (whether you have or not yet - but do ASAP) and will not be moving back in. Place the ball firmly in their court, make it clear you will not be pressed into becoming her slavecarer and that they need to get on with it. If they don't want her bed-blocking they need to set up a care package, and if they don't want her back they need to impress upon her that they are on to her she needs to manage her conditions herself. Once they realize they can't just shuck their responsibilities onto you, maybe they'll get on with it. Regardless, YOU NEED TO GET OUT.

We are now getting our lives back, slowly and that was just doing it for a year. We got lots of pressure from family and friends but if you and your sister agree it's no one else's business. Let them do it if they are that bothered.

Seen this with my parents and GP - we were teenagers and they were working - everyone else - their siblings friend of the family all put pressure on them to do more - yet could never help in any way themselves.

I've learnt form that. IL weren't great when DC were babies. I refused to go over a turn their heating and do shopping just before they came back of holiday in mid winter we had very young baby - they had a woman who they baby sat regularly for free who lived close to them phone me and to tell me off. I pointed out the full length of the journey over 3 hours and I'd be traveling to a freezing house with young baby - then pointed she had less than a five minute walk older DC and suggested she do it - tumble weed .

IME people are always willing to put work on other people's shoulder's to salve their own conscience's.

My parents found social workers useless - they had to set boundaries for their own health, resist pressure and in the end do a lot of research and put them in care homes for last few years.

I intend to follow that example - do what I can to support them but refuse to martyr myself - and if people try and guilt me turn it back on them.

I suggest you move out - act like a broken record about what you can do to everyone and stick to your boundaries - read toxic parent book to help with your mother's manipulations. Good luck.