To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

[UniversityOfMotherhood]

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow!
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

From your previous post giving examples it sounds like your parenting approach is based on what's easiest for the parent rather than what's best for the child said by hedgehogsdontbite

Implying that i choose the easy option even if its not best for my son?

That's low even for MN.

Your children never had tantrums? Surely tantrums are a normal part of development? The only child I've known that never or rarely had tantrums was later found to have profound special needs. IMO tantrums are normal, how a parent deals with them is important, not trying to avoid them occurring at all costs.

'IMO tantrums are normal, how a parent deals with them is important, not trying to avoid them occurring at all costs.'

Exactly this.

Ok, so that's how you do it. Excellent.

You've given a snap shot based purely on your interpretation of it. You've coloured it with your feeling on the matter.

You're now calling people low for doing exactly the same thing you've done for others.

You may feel you are being compassionate but you are coming across as critical.

royalsighness she wasn't struggling. Passive aggressive bitch? That the best you've got?

I am out so you can all feel free to rip me to shreds, carry on with your name calling. Funny how you are all so quick to judge me if we shouldn't judge now isn't it?

The wee girl and she was tiny was having a great time in that shop she wasn't being naughty, nasty or deliberately bad. So if you think the way to parent is to shout across a shop until you've finished looking then drag your child out the shop to go home to bed then god help us all.

Sure this thread will make discussions of the day for all the wrong reasons.

decaff are you saying my son has special needs now? and that's ok on here to come out with that is it? because hes not had a tantrum i see. Better get my 20 year old son checked out then.

Blog of the day is toddler meltdowns lol.

You lot carry on the debate i agree to disagree with most of you.

Hmm, the thing is surely sometimes you just can't do the gentle wait it out/don't change the nappy/avoid the shops/cafe etc. Life has to be got on with, other children need to be dealt with, get places etc. If ds is busy and does an enormous poo, his nappy gets changed straight away whether he wants it done or not, otherwise he stinks and gets a sore bottom!

It's bit like the tooth cleaning thread - yes it causes a massive tantrum, no he doesn't want his teeth cleaned or to take the foul tasting medicine - would it make my life easier to just not do it - hell yeah! However without the medicine or the teeth cleaning he will get ill and his teeth will decay, so yes there is a battle.

I think all debates on toddler behaviour are a bit pointless because no two toddlers are the same. Some are passive and very easy to control. Others are extremely strong willed and need much firmer discipline and are much harder work.

We have several toddlers over our immediate family at the moment and it's fascinating to see just how different they are in temperament - even when they have the same parents.

My DS and one of his cousins are both particularly strong willed and need much firmer discipline - otherwise they would run riot. The more passive ones are much easier to handle!

I have pulled the 'That's it we are going home' lever once when my DS was being particularly naughty in a public park. He received two warnings and continued to ignore me so I took him home. He was very upset by this, but he learnt from it and he's never been quiet that bad again. I also sometimes have to raise my voice in public to get him to listen.

I think our expectations of children's behaviour are far too low these days.

We ALL judge and we all criticise. Anyone who says they don't is a liar. Neither is a crime. We just don't like to be judged or criticised.
If I see a parent screaming at a child, too bloody right I will judge them, whether they are having a bad day or not. You would all judge a parent if you saw them hitting a child,..well I think yelling and screaming is just as bad.
Everyone has a reason or excuse and yes, we can have compassion, but the responsibility is the parents however difficult the child is being.
Amazes me how parents don't link how they deal with a child early on leads on to how they will have tantrums when they get to toddler stage.

You CAN avoid or limit tantrums. Just because you haven't. Don't attack people who have done that.
Giving up or giving in to what a child wants in a tantrum guarantees future tantrums.
Why should a parent not say they have managed to avoid tantrums when it is true just because others see it as a criticism of them?
It's immature to see everything as a personal attack.

Amazes me how parents don't link how they deal with a child early on leads on to how they will have tantrums when they get to toddler stage.
You CAN avoid or limit tantrums. Just because you haven't. Don't attack people who have done that. Giving up or giving in to what a child wants in a tantrum guarantees future tantrums. Why should a parent not say they have managed to avoid tantrums when it is true just because others see it as a criticism of them? It's immature to see everything as a personal attack.

Well. I did all the right things with DC1 and he had precisely one tantrum in his life - I didn't give in to it and he never had another. He is naturally a very compliant person (which brings its own problems of course) and a very rational person.

Then DC2 reached toddlerhood. We did everything the same as with DC1, except for having a sibling. He doesn't and didn't have many tantrums, but he had significantly more than DC1, because he has a completely different character.

There are methods of reducing the occurrence of tantrums in a particular child but that doesn't mean that Child A having five a week is actually being parented worse than Child B who has one a month.

When does your book come out OP?

It seems to me you question your parenting so much you compare what you're doing to what everyone else is doing and in judging this poor mother you can pat yourself in the back and say 'oooooh my kids aren't degenerates as they didn't tantrum' or whatever it is you want to say to yourself.

God, stop worrying about things beyond your control, don't affect you and parenting decisions that have nothing to do with you. As another PP said, this is a snapshot of a life, you've no idea what else had happened to the mother that day to be at the end of her tether.

honeydragon I'm starting to work through your list now. Thanks for that.

Oh, don't give in to tantrums. If only someone had suggested that earlier, parents everywhere could have been having such easy lives.

Probably the most patronising and disingenous OP I've seen on Mumsnet for a looonnng time.

'Maybe we should start a support group for people having trouble with toddlers'

'My two toddlers have never had a tantrum'

Ba ha ha ha ha ha!! .......

Op apologised way up thread that her post was quite poorly written.

I really think she has got the message by now.

How children behave and how parents react DOES having something to do with us.iveabsolutelynofekkinidea You call that mother a 'poor mother' She may be a horrible person. Don't tell the OP off for judging her THAT day when you have decided the woman is in need of sympathy. You don't Know! The OP didn't say she was worried. She posed a question and the bloody sensitive Of you decided to flame her. The Op wasnt patting herself on the back and saying her kids aren't degenerates.but other kids are because they tantrum. You made that up in your own head.

Why do some of you assume things? Because you are judging, That's why. Doing what you think is a crime in others

Implying that i choose the easy option even if its not best for my son?

I'm not implying anything, I'm saying outright that leaving a child in a nappy that needs changing in order to avoid 'putting yourself through it' is choosing the easy option rather than what is best for the child. I think it's lazy and neglectful parenting.

Davs

Yes and on the same token the mother could have experienced a bereavement the day before. Were I. agreement that none of us know. There didn't seem to be any anise going on in this situation so stay out of it and don't judge something you know nothing about is my point.

I'm going by what the OP said actually, not sure the OP had any actually interaction of input from the other mother?

Wow.

Abuse not anise

solomondaisy You are right ...Parents everywhere WOULD have an easier life if they didn't give in to tantrums. You are crazy if you think.otherwise.

Iveabsutely, I know what you mean but I didn't read the OP in the way you have. We can't imagine all sorts of scenarios when we see something. What Op saw was an example of how we may make our lives difficult. I see similar situations almost every time I go out. Do I assume they are all having a bad day,..poor loves.

I think we can get stuck in a rut of parenting especially in situations like the charity shop.

I realized that I had just automatically started saying no to my kids requests without really thinking about it. I said no all the time and then I realised that some of their requests were fine and so I made a point of stepping back and saying yes once in a while. It was like I was on autopilot. This mum sounds like she is used to constantly reprimanding, even if the kids behaviour isn't too bad.

I also think that some people are concerned that they need to be heard to reprimand their kids, or people will think they are irresponsible or negligent.

Don't miss those toddler trips out at all!

Davs

Your compassion is lovely to hear about.

She has no idea what she's seeing as she doesn't have the full context. Maybe the mother is parenting inadequately, maybe she was waiting for the buggy to be serviced after it broke the day before and her husband ran off with the joint bank account or her sister and her had fallen out over a bridesmaids dress, whatever.

I find the post annoying and patronising and rather than making assumptions I'd say I was drawing a conclusion. Anyway! Let's agree to disagree.

I thought the OP meant that you can't expect great behaviour from a toddler if you take them to a shop with lots of stuff at toddler level and say "don't touch!" then get on with shopping etc without trying to engage/distract etc Fair enough.

Saying people who do so need a support group is not fair enough.

I simply don't believe OP that her kids have never had a tantrum, but maybe its the same as when people say "mine slept through the night at 6 weeks" when what they mean is mine slept midnight til five!