To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

[UniversityOfMotherhood]

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow!
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

...the mum is still learning too...

Yip both of my children have been raised as only children by a single mum but that isn't the point.

The woman I was talking about did not have three under 5's with her and even if she had I would still have thought you really don't need to make this so difficult.

I shall say it once more for anyone who has just joined the post my last paragraph on my OP isn't the way I wanted it to be! It reads like an add on rather than the person who wrote the rest of it.

I do not mean my parenting was the reason neither of mine had tantrums and there is nothing wrong with tantrums. Or not having tantrums.

I am asking if parents make it harder work for themselves than it really needs to be?

Do we have unrealistic expectations that we feel if our children aren't at certain milestones by certain ages we are somehow failing them?

Are you like the mum i was talking to the other day who is questioning her BF her DD as she's over a year old and her friends made some rather mean upsetting comments about it? Do you go home and stew over something you hear someone else saying about the way you parent and question yourself?

Are you isolated because you don't want to take your toddler/children out because of the way they behave? (waiting for yes because of people like me uncalled for).

Do you have to high an expectation of yourself or your toddlers?

I thought a support thread would be a good idea because we don't get a book on this, there is not training for this job you learn as you go. Maybe other people could offer help, advice on things you struggle with as a parent, maybe they find that part easy but struggle with something else.

I won't be starting one as clearly I am an unqualified smug idiot. Having a toddler is so different from the tiny baby you once had and if you've never had one before it can come as a shock.

At that's what I am getting at also, so what if I did believe my children had never had a tantrum due to my parenting? Why would you feel the need to belittle that and make me feel bad or suggest my child is abnormal? Why do we want to make someone else feel like their way is wrong so we can feel validated that ours is right?

I hear lots of irrational stuff coming out of parents mouths when dealing with their children. It would be good if we could all watch a recording of what we do because I t think people's idea of how they are is often a lot different to how they actually are.

There are support threads BTW on Parenting and Behaviour/Development and Multiples and Breast and Bottle Feeding, Stop Smoking, Running motivation support, Decluttering support, Relationship abuse support, lots and lots of support threads. Do you want to be pointed towards one in particular?

I tried to start a thread the other day about parental guilt but got more advice/reassurance which wasn't really what I was looking for, more discussion. I'll know to try AIBU another time

I am asking if parents make it harder work for themselves than it really needs to be?

But this still sounds like an accusation. It sounds like it is individual parent's fault they have a harder time of it and it could be easier if only they did not push their child forward. Yet sometimes the child needs to be given challenges in order to learn.

We learn what parenting decisions suit our individual children by trial and error. Sometimes this means we make errors. Someone pointing out other people's errors does not necessarily make the decision making any easier.

One day a child might behave perfectly out of the push chair, one day they don't and respond well to warnings, other days they just don't respond well at all and the parent can get frustrated.

Thank you all for your posts good or bad.

To clarify you ready? I don't think if I was parenting your children instead of my own that there would've been no tantrums. I AM NOT SAYING MY KIDS HAVENT HAD TANTRUMS BECAUSE OF ME.

My wee niece used to throw amazing award winning performances they were epic, I never looked down my nose at my best friend and said "your such a shit parent mine won't do that". No I gave her a hug and made her a coffee do believe we had a cigarette or 2 filthy smokers (outside obviously) because she was crying/shaking and felt she couldn't cope. No the time for talking strategies it was woman down SOS.

Couple of days later we were having another cuppa/meet up (god i miss her) and she said to me "ok I've got my big girl pants on today, i cant cope with this much longer what can i do?" And we talked about when the tantrums happened, signs they were about to happen trying to nip them in the bud before full blown epic one took hold. She asked other mums as well and with lots of patience and changes to her parenting she noticed a huge difference in the tantrums. She was like a different little girl and I think its a brave thing to say I am out of my depth help. Hence why i thought non judgemental support thread, no one knows each other on here blah blah. We all get defensive about our kids and our parenting.

Beggars I can't educate you, these people wouldn't poke a stick at a lion so why do they put themselves into impossible situ's with their toddlers? Its exhausting and it doesn't get them anywhere. Just makes for an angry mum/dad/gran/papa who ever and a raging toddler.

OP sometimes you do have to challenge children for them to learn.

My toddler currently has a tantrum every single time we go outside. I want to get him in the car/house/shop/nursery, he disagrees and thinks it's his basic toddler right to be out in the snow forever. What do you suggest OP?

You can re-write what you meant to say but your OP is there and posters, including myself, will obviously reply to the thread based on what you initially wrote before you got flamed

You ARE judging this woman. You can dress is up as being some sympathetic support thread but it isn't.

Perhaps this woman's toddler usually behaves impeccably in shops so there was no need to consider reigns or a pushchair. But today was a bad day. And your 5 minute snippet of this woman's life means you can start a thread to judge her on "making it harder for herself" for letting her toddler loose in a shop.

Or maybe she doesn't like using reigns or a pushchair and wants to teach her child how to behave correctly in a shop, even if that means a few trips out where she misbehaves, but her toddler will learn in the long run by being given the opportunity to walk round a shop with her mum and being told what not to do/touch.

Only once has my DS had a tantrum in public. He sat on the floor of a shop and refused to move. And there's nothing worse than having some other parent watching you and judging you on your response.

capsium its not meant to be an accusation its a why do we do it?

kitty you aren't making it harder on yourself your not shouting and screaming don't touch things.

bertie i have so much parental guilt its a killer and how do you forgive yourself for it?

here's an example hope this helps

summer time, we were running really late to pick up eldest son. Little one was outside in a nappy, vest and a long t.shirt as you do. Went to get him in and he point blank refused to put shorts/trousers on, feeling harassed and panicky as it was getting even later and i thought do you know what does it really matter? i am getting into a told flap about these shorts/trousers and do i need to? so thought sod it, by this time toddler was wearing wellington boots and that's how he was going in the car.

So i put him in the car like that I had to nip into the supermarket on way home and took him in like that. The amount of mums who stopped and spoke to me was unbelievable saying "let me guess wouldn't put the bottom half on?" All of them wished they could do things like that but are scared of what others will think of them.

We went to the doctors the other day with toddler wearing mickey mouse slippers. Does it really matter? Is how good a parent i am measured on his footwear?

I wouldn't even attempt a nappy change if he was busy why do that to myself?

Oh yes he's not toilet trained yet much to the horror of other mums at playgroup who's children came out the womb potty trained that's great, mine isn't.

Why do we do it?

People compare themselves and their children to each other. However they are not directly comparable.

To stop the (inappropriate) guilt, dead, I think just stop comparing and don't 'rant'.

hedgehogsdontbite hi i would've thought you would've been supportive of this thread as you were in others ive been on. But hey.

I don't know what you should do tbh mine doesn't at times want to go places we have to go normally make a game out of things, or distract him while refusing to get in the car I will say oh look at such and such over there nab him while distracted and bendy, get him in car seat. If he was point blank refusing to go into school i would need to carry him in wouldn't i?

chocolateorsalad i don't think the way this woman treated her child was the right way, i don't drag my kids about never have and i will never see it as ok. Flame away.

chocolate yelling at a child across a shop is not going to teach them much now is it?

I think there are a lot more offensives rants on here than mine.

So a screaming, fighting toddlervwho's being carried into school isn't having a tantrum?

As for thinking I'd agree with you based on other posts in other threads, I think you are mistaking me for someone else.

OP equally, ranting at people on MN (or in real life) is not going to help either. It is not support. Support involves compassion because people make mistakes all the time. Without the compassion, people avoid seeking help when they may really need it.

The crux of the matter is you were judging the mother.

At some point you have to start teaching a child how you want the to behave out in the world.

Yes she could've had the child restrained, she chose as a parent not too. I've read your op four times now, and still think the fundamental issue is that you would've allowed the toddler to continuing behaving like that, the mother did not want too and once her sanctions were ignored removed the child from the shop.

These tactics may well have been successfully working in other places.

Just like someone who's child is happy to stay strapped in the buggy, till the day your distracted and they climb out, bang their head on the floor with a foot stuck in the straps and some one will be their to let you know your doing all wrong based on one event.

As parents we can choose to fit around our childs needs or fit our children into our needs. Some people think it can only be one or the other, no compromise, for others it's a bit of both.

It's easier in life to be supportive of others if you can mange firstly to be accepting.

No hedgehogs i am not but ive changed usernames lol

i am not saying kids shouldn't have tantrums! you asked me what i would do and i told you. thankfully ive not had that, might happen yet though.

i have a problem with the way people expect their children to behave that can then lead to a tantrum then they blame it on the child.

From your previous post giving examples it sounds like your parenting approach is based on what's easiest for the parent rather than what's best for the child.

i have a problem

Yes this i your problem. Judging when exactly a child is ready for extra responsibility can be a bit hit and miss. Tantrums can be unpredictable and occur for an infinite amount of reasons. Sometimes we spot the links sometimes they are impossible to spot. Sometimes people have to put up with tantrums because the child really needs to learn (look up ABA)

OP I understand what you are trying to say.

I had a friend whose dd is the same age as my eldest dd, and her problem was she never carried out her threats. So you had the constant if you do that I'm going to take away 1 doll, by the time she was getting to 'if you do that again I'm going to take away 10 dolls' I felt having a tantrum and shouting at the mum Just put the bloody doll in the bin and perhaps would actually learn something.

Hmm, well, to be fair, if I'd have waited until DS wasn't busy to change his nappy the nappy would have fallen off before he gave me a chance! I did used to have to sit on him at some points...

Of course children should know they are not allowed to touch things in a shop. If they aren't able to not touch then they should be in a buggy or not taken in a shop. But a buggy doesn't always ensure things are safe from marauding toddlers. This shrugging of shoulders and saying nothing can be done is totally ridiculous. Of course most toddlers misbehave but it's how the parents deal with it or don't deal with it that's the important thing.

honeydragon I take my toddler into the charity shops all the time, walking either free or on reins sometimes the buggy all depends what day it is.
He is allowed to touch the toys and books etc but if he was to touch something that was a no he would be told no he cant touch and offered an alternative to touch. I would never expect him to stand still by my side while i looked at the clothes and then let him run off round the shop while i kept looking at clothes shouting across the shop at him.
All the staff and other shoppers including me were talking to the little girl no one was being nasty or judgemental. The woman even when there was a pile of clothes landed on floor still kept saying stop it, i told you leave it with her back turned. She never went over to her DD. The door was also left open at one point and one of the volunteers went over to close it, the mum was to focused on looking at clothes.
Then its bang drag out of shop by the arm your going home to bed you were warned. She's bad? Really? She didn't even get the chance to go to her mum just hauled out.
Maybe you had to be there, maybe i am shit at getting my point over but I just found the whole thing very sad, un necessary and i thought why do that to yourself or toddler?
If you all agree with it that's great.