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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

360 replies

UniversityOfMotherhood · 23/01/2015 08:58

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow! Grin
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

OP posts:
Enormouse · 23/01/2015 13:14

I've had the morning from hell with my DSes (3 and 1).
Perfectly fine and well behaved seperately though DS1 has his moments - he is mostly non verbal and bloody stubborn. But together they egg each other on, cooperate to deadly effect or squabble with each other.

I have made parenting easier for myself by putting DS2 up for a post lunch nap and getting dp to take DS1 out. I'm now eating Pringles and mumsnetting.

I clearly win at this parenting malarkey

IHeartKingThistle · 23/01/2015 13:18

I know it's controversial but I think you're bang on about making it harder work for themselves. We have lovely friends who we are seeing less and less because of this Sad it's not even that the kids are particularly naughty, it's just maddening to watch them plead with their toddlers to be good and then do NOTHING when they are not including letting them trash my house, hit and scream for things. I just don't understand why they're incapable of a basic 'no' and following through with a sanction. They're clearly stressed out by it too but it's just so difficult to be around them Sad

lljkk · 23/01/2015 13:19

I don't understand what avoiding temptations has to do with never having had a toddler tantrum. Toddlers don't need a reason for a tantrum. Mine tantrumed because I denied them 5 biscuits at toddler group.

Should I have made my life easier by never going to toddler group at all?

I'll grant that OP's charity shop potter not the best example, but kids only get socialised from experience. So showing your child how to behave in a shop even if they find it difficult to follow rules, is not an absurd thing to do in principle.

Strikes me that OP raised 2 only children, and one is not yet 3yo! Parenting is different when you're juggling the needs of 2 under 2, 3 under 5, etc.

IHeartKingThistle · 23/01/2015 13:22

And yes I have children too and when they were toddlers and tantruming I had no problem with leaving shops, putting them on the step, taking things away or just bloody saying no! Mine aren't perfect but I can trust them to behave in public and around people now . Call me smug if you like but I taught them that.

squoosh · 23/01/2015 13:23

Okay kaykayred I've never lived in France but have heard before that French children are incredibly well behaved. I've also heard that this is because French parents rule with a rod of iron. I think there's a middle ground between rod of iron parenting and ineffectual parenting.

I don't think think tantrums are always a bad thing or a sign of poor parenting.

Honeydragon · 23/01/2015 13:28

I walked in the lounge once and asked dd if she wanted to share my toast. She sobbed for TWO HOURS, how was I to know that 2 minutes earlier she had decided she didn't want to be looked at.

Glad that one happened at home.

Enormouse · 23/01/2015 13:28

I agree lljkk children need to be socialised through experience.

DS1 went through a brief phase of shoplifting. He would pick something and try and bolt off with it. Now he picks something, walks to the counter and pays for it nicely and babble at the cashier. It took a lot of effort and a lot of going into shops and cafes regularly to curb his shoplifting.
There were a lot of bolt and runs initially.

pommedeterre · 23/01/2015 13:32

No tantrums? We're they reborn dolls?!

pommedeterre · 23/01/2015 13:33

I inadvertently caused a massive tantrum this morning by peeling a banana.

wishmiplass · 23/01/2015 13:34

Honeydragon Haha. Poor you! Grin

Is it just me, or does the toddler in the Blog of the Day picture look remarkably like an angry Charlie from the original Charlie & The Chocolate Factory film?

Enormouse · 23/01/2015 13:34

DS1 had one this morning because DS2 was looking at his toast pomme

hazeyjane · 23/01/2015 13:40

My favourite tantrum was from dd1 who was screaming all the way down the road on a long walk home, amazingly we saw a mole poking his head out of a hole by the roads stunning her to silence - it was fab......unfortunately she then had a screaming fit every day on the journey home because there was no mole. I started a thread here about it called something like if only I could pull a mole out of my arse every day

Dontstepinthecowpat · 23/01/2015 13:40

I used to really like toddlers. Then I had 3 DC under 5, now I quite like toddlers, sometimes, when they are sleeping Grin

I think it's about picking your battles and no sweating the small stuff.

FWIW I probably quite often look like I'm dragging a young toddler DD around. But she's almost three although very petite with a great understanding but no speech and muscle tone so low it's like trying to put spaghetti through a keyhole carrying/catching/wrestling with her !

BertieBotts · 23/01/2015 13:41

Don't post in AIBU if you are afraid of offending folk. Christ people on here get offended over the slightest thing. If it's not "fight club" it's "easily offended club".

Please don't take it to heart. Plus lots of posters like robust discussion and it doesn't mean that they are personally offended just because they disagree with you over something :)

pommedeterre · 23/01/2015 13:42

Hah enormo - car tantrums here are normally about dd1 touching her car seat. It's funny in the evening when there's wine and no kids...

girliefriend · 23/01/2015 13:44

It is sometimes sad to see toddlers get told off for basically being toddlers, it's not like they can help it.

However op yabvu for assuming your perfect parenting is the reason your dc didn't tantrum. My dd tantrummed daily a lot from a year onwards. I think of myself as a patient, reasonable sort of a person but she would tantrum over anything. Sometimes she would be playing nicely one minute and screaming her head off the next.

I now know that she had severe glue ear and sensory issues which did not help. If you think you could have had my dd and somehow by parenting her differently avoided all the tantrums you are misguided.

capsium · 23/01/2015 13:47

Well OP, when mine was a toddler could tantrum in the buggy (drag feet along ground strain on straps, on reigns (go limp so dangling there like a puppet), having hand held (waving hand around so whoever held it ended up with aching arms), not having hand held (bolted, lay down on floor).

Thankfully he grew up and is in the most part very lovely. The battles we had ten allowed the learning to occur. Some children just challenge more. Now the challenge comes more in the form of a reasoned, thought through, argument, yes we are still kept on out toes, but I rather like that. Even parents, as grown adults, need to be challenged sometimes...

capsium · 23/01/2015 13:48

^then not ten. Typo.

Davsmum · 23/01/2015 13:49

I agree with you OP. Puzzles me why people make their lives difficult in that way too. It is not judging, as some posters say. It is genuinely being puzzled. Maybe the woman you mention just doesn't plan ahead?

I have noticed that lots of mumsnetters get really angry and defensive if you even suggest anyone is doing anything which you think is strange.
I do believe your DCs never tantrum. It's not inevitable. My two would whinge but also never went into tantrum. You are not allowed to say this on here because it means you think you are superior and the insecure aggressive people get sarcastic and say 'well good for you' or 'here is a medal' blah blah blah,...

Never comment in what can be seen as a critical way. It's against the rules apparently.

capsium · 23/01/2015 13:54

Never comment in what can be seen as a critical way. It's against the rules apparently.

Now I do agree with this. Don't. I did plan ahead. Massively. I wasn't always caught out with a tantrum but they did occur sometimes. OP observed one tantrum This woman's daughter is still learning, sometimes you must allow children the opportunity to learn. Sometimes the children don't quite make the grade. However that should not mean you don't keep giving them the opportunity for fear of failure.

Topseyt · 23/01/2015 13:58

I got off fairly lightly with the toddler tantrums (unless I am just looking back through rose tinted spectacles). It wasn't perfect parenting, far from it. It was just the varying temperament of my three daughters. The first and the third were pretty even tempered most of the way through those years. The odd meltdown when over-tired, but generally OK.

Middle daughter was a different story. She could strop, scream and rage for England at the drop of a hat.

I always used containment with all of them when we were out in shops etc. At that age they were in the buggy whether they liked it or not, and if they arched their backs and screamed in an attempt not to get in (again, 1 & 3 not too bad, 2 was the worst) then I just carried on shoving them into it anyway or I would never have got anywhere. It didn't solve every problem, and I had to watch because they could reach out and grab things, but it was way better than the chaos there would have been if I had allowed them to run around in shops.

I also used reins once they were able to walk greater distances, but liked to have the buggy with me for when they were getting tired as I didn't want to carry them far by then. I didn't care (and still don't) if some people did consider it a glorified dog lead. Far better than them running amok, knocking stuff over, getting in too many people's way or running out under the wheels of a car along the road.

The choice was buggy or reins for mine. I liked it that way. Donning flame proof suit and hard hat now in anticipation of a good flaming!!

BeggarsCantBeChoosers · 23/01/2015 14:02

Honeydragon, it is not often I chuckle out loud when reading a post on mumsnet but your 10 tips were great!

I think OP you may have thought I was asking to trap you but actually I am honestly interested in this idea you keep quoting, that parents somehow are taking a harder path than they need to, as though by choice or by lack of education? Or what? Educate me!

Thumbwitch · 23/01/2015 14:03

No, the OP didn't observe one tantrum by the child - she observed the mum having one because of the child's behaviour!

Thumbwitch · 23/01/2015 14:04

Unless you mean the bit at the end where the child was hauled out of the shop screaming - although I don't think I'd call that a tantrum exactly.

BeggarsCantBeChoosers · 23/01/2015 14:04

I'll help if you like! Number one, if your toddler screams in the supermarket, shop online for a few weeks and then do a quick shop for just milk and bread, then exit before they realise where they are! Next trip get 4 items, then 6, then 10. Don't advance past go unless you have a scream-free trip!

Worked for me anyway.