To ask DH to skip his bro's stag do in Iceland next week

[microferret]

It's not that I'm worried he'll misbehave or anything like that, I trust him 100%... The reason is that we have a 7 week old baby who doesn't sleep at all during the daytime and is pretty fussy, feeding constantly, and I don't know how I'll cope.

Back when the trip was booked we thought naively that by then we'd be enough into the swing of things for me to be alone. The trip is four days long which sounded short when it was booked but now stretches out in front of me like an endless road of doom. Considering that I'm tearing my hair out by the time he gets home from work at 6 or 7 I just feel increasingly like four long days alone will be a disaster.

We are expats based in Berlin so there are no family members who could come and stay. I have 2 very close friends who would want to help but really don't know what to do with a baby. I would be genuinely alone.

I have a history of anxiety and depression and I've just been to the doctor to get a prescription for sertraline as I can feel the anxiety and obsessive thoughts creeping back. One of the repeated negative thoughts I suffer from is fear something will happen to DH, so that adds an extra dimension of misery.

I really don't want to be the needy wife that stops her husband doing things, but I can't help feeling this way. It just seems far too early to be left all alone. I am in awe of single parents after experiencing the first weeks of motherhood. I've raised it with DH and he is sympathetic and wants to stay but is worried about upsetting his brother. I also understand and it would be a shame for his brother but fear four days of frustration, loneliness, anxiety, poor personal hygiene and the threat of a psychological meltdown.

Am I being unreasonable?

bit his wife who is poorly trumps his brother. Every time. His first priority is to his new family. Who should understand. Your post shows a lack of understanding of MH issues which vary from person to person. And last I checked stag dos were rather boozy affairs and hardly necessary to actually get married. Please don't tell me that four days away overseas is simply ambling round the countryside engaging in jovial conversation with no alcohol involved? I am not the only person pointing out these issues so fail to understand why you decided to single me out. If it suits you to have your DH go then that's fine but the OP is not comfortable with it. That in itself should be enough for a husband to say no.

red I understand what you are saying but I can't agree. MH issues and a newborn mean women are particularly susceptible post partum. There is a known risk factor, a significant one. The OP needs help and support. Only a doctor can advise her whether going out of her comfort zone is a good idea or not. I don't think it is good advice at this stage for her to push herself in any way. She should discuss with her dh and GP.

Sorry OP to talk about you as if you aren't here and I hope you are OK.

Crikey living i expressed the same I pinion as lots and lots of other posters in what I hoped was a sympathetic way.

What I didn't do was get carried away with all the wild assumptions about her DH that many people did. But there you go.

I didn't single you out. I singled out your assumption. Ime Iceland is not s typical "let's go to get shit faced" venue and nowhere has the op said that that is his intention. That's an assumption made by you.

We don't know what he might be doing. He could be up a mountain having a naked hot spring soak and be without phone coverage for all I know or care. What we know is the op is not comfortable with it. That should be enough. And I am not the only one to have made that assumption about pissups which is, by the way, a perfectly rational conclusion to reach about these affairs. It is not essential for him to attend a stag do. It is essential he looks after his wife and child.

You have not rtft if you think advising her dh to go is a sensible option.

Only a doctor can advise her whether going out of her comfort zone is a good idea or not. I don't think it is good advice at this stage for her to push herself in any way. She should discuss with her dh and GP.

Probably v true. Trouble is its easier to ask MN rather than talk to a professional or your husband...

I didn't "advise her DH to go". I expressed my opinion of what I think about the situation. Just like you did. So you can keep your lectures to yourself!

I think it's a fairly safe assumption that stag dos involve a lot of drinking. It would be unusual if they didn't and I think the OP would have mentioned it if they were going on a geography field trip to celebrate the brother's upcoming nuptials.

All that's a bit beside the point anyway. Not as shockingly off beam as suggesting that sitting on a sofa for four days with box sets is going to be a good option for someone with mental health issues though.

I wish people had been a bit more supportive on this thread, so that the OP could show it to her DH to help him understand why he mustn't go. OP, I've been in a similar situation to you - MH issues and postpartum infection (though thankfully for me at different times). I wish there was some way I could explain to your DH how this feels, and how he needs to step up to support you, both practically and emotionally. Obviously it doesn't have to be your DH who supports you, but in the absence of an excellent substitute it does need to be him.

I hope that you are feeling as well as can be expected and that the stag do issue is being resolved. Please take care of yourself. If there is anything else you need from those on this thread who are supporting you, please let us know.

6/7 weeks is a shocking time with newborns. You're over the initial part and society expects you to get on with it sometimes, yet the baby isn't sleeping at all yet (in my experience) and the cumulative sleep deficit is really catching up with you. Well done you for seeking help and getting those antidepressants. It sounds like you are very articulate and will be able to ask your DH for the support you need from him. Just do it without any guilt or regret.

BTW I wasn't as articulate as you, or as good at recognising the help I needed so delayed getting that help. My DH didn't give me the support I needed, especially after my first pregnancy, and it caused issues between us that we're still working through 8 years on. So it is a really GOOD thing to be clear with him at this point. If his brother doesn't get it, he probably will further down the line if he has kids.

Last time I went to Iceland it was £7 a pint.

I think that might curtail even a lot of hardened drinkers!

At 7 weeks I would be ok with it, but you are not me.

I have a fantastic support network around me.

Op on the other hand needs the support from her DH.

I would say to him that you are not stopping him going, but the 4 days will be hard and you would like his support

I had my dd1 on my own for her first six weeks, due to my DH having to move for work at rather short notice. So I know what you're going through.

Here's some things that might help, if you decide to let your DH go on the stag do:

Can you afford to hire a doula/nurse to help out?
Can you give yourself permission to put baby in Moses basket/Rock'n'Play in the bathroom while you have a shower? My dd actually found the water sounds quite soothing. Having a shower every morning gave me the power to face the day.
Order take out. He's having a jolly, you should to.

Park yourself in front of telly/Netflix with lots of snacks and baby can bf to its hearts content.

Your feelings are valid and only you can decide whether you can cope for four days with minimal help, but generally I hope you'll try to cut yourself some slack.

I am torn here.
How great that your friend is happy to visit. I think that will be good.
How great that you say he is a good man.
I would be a bit fucked off if my dh fucked off on a stag do in your situation.
I think its thoughtless of him.
Bit it doesnt mean he doesnt love you.
And your friend will very likely take good care of you.

Time will pass and things will change. Its terribly demanding being a mother of a young baby. And ime, this is not the same for men/ fathers. But couples get through it.
I feel for you. Pnd is shit.
Lean on your friends.
But if you think you need him at home i think its completely reasonable to say that to your dh.

All the best.

Just re read my post and its a bit rubbish.
Sorry
Othes have said it better.

OP. You know, you may feel better with the placenta out - I wonder if that is messing with hormones too. I'd be very careful if you are teetering on the edge of depression. Could your husband book a couple of days off when he gets back so that you can get back a bit of sleep etc?

Have only read up to page 2 but I think people are missing this bit

we have a 7 week old baby who doesn't sleep at all during the daytime and is pretty fussy, feeding constantly

This is not an average 7 week old baby, this is a difficult 7 week old baby (I assume baby also doesn't sleep too well at night). I had one of these OP, and I think YANBU. I don't think anyone who had an average 7 week old - you know, the ones that sleep ok, feed ok and are mostly happy - can really give a valid opinion. I honestly did not have time to eat or dress on the rare days where I had no other adult help, and I was so sleep deprived and anxious I was going a bit mad. I didn't have PND, I had a bloody difficult baby. DH did go away at about this time, but for work and MIL came to stay.

Have you had your baby checked for tongue tie and reflux?

if your DH ends up going, suggest the best thing friends can do for you is 1) take baby out in pram for hour long walk (quite a big ask in these temperatures) and 2) make you food.

Best of luck

This thread has made me incredibly angry. I hate the assumption that a stag holiday (whoever it's bloody well for) top trumps the wants/needs of a woman who has given birth 7 weeks previously and is finding it really tough, whether or not mental/physical health problems are even an issue. When my first DC was that age (really don't know if she was a high needs baby, I just remember the breast feeding problems we were experiencing were all consuming), I couldn't wait for DH to walk in the door after work. I had no local support system whatsoever.

Why is it so difficult for 'normal' life to be put on hold for the first few months/a year of a baby's life? I realise most men will be working/doing the odd bit of sport/going out to the pub sometimes, but really, how difficult is it to just be around when your DW wants/needs you to be?

I lived by myself for 16 years before moving in with DH and having babies, and considered myself pretty independent. But I found looking after young DCs really difficult. So well done to all of you who would wave goodbye to your DH with a big smile and an eye on the Breaking Bad box set, but some of us just aren't like that.

msvestible I agree. Luckily so would my OH.
He wouldn't dream of going off to a stag do while we had a 7 week old baby.No matter who the groom was.

blue unfortunately my DP/now DH didn't think this way!!! When I look back, he was pretty selfish sometimes - he went on his own three night stag do, leaving me with a 6 month DS and just turned 2yo DD and that's just one example.