To ask DH to skip his bro's stag do in Iceland next week

[microferret]

It's not that I'm worried he'll misbehave or anything like that, I trust him 100%... The reason is that we have a 7 week old baby who doesn't sleep at all during the daytime and is pretty fussy, feeding constantly, and I don't know how I'll cope.

Back when the trip was booked we thought naively that by then we'd be enough into the swing of things for me to be alone. The trip is four days long which sounded short when it was booked but now stretches out in front of me like an endless road of doom. Considering that I'm tearing my hair out by the time he gets home from work at 6 or 7 I just feel increasingly like four long days alone will be a disaster.

We are expats based in Berlin so there are no family members who could come and stay. I have 2 very close friends who would want to help but really don't know what to do with a baby. I would be genuinely alone.

I have a history of anxiety and depression and I've just been to the doctor to get a prescription for sertraline as I can feel the anxiety and obsessive thoughts creeping back. One of the repeated negative thoughts I suffer from is fear something will happen to DH, so that adds an extra dimension of misery.

I really don't want to be the needy wife that stops her husband doing things, but I can't help feeling this way. It just seems far too early to be left all alone. I am in awe of single parents after experiencing the first weeks of motherhood. I've raised it with DH and he is sympathetic and wants to stay but is worried about upsetting his brother. I also understand and it would be a shame for his brother but fear four days of frustration, loneliness, anxiety, poor personal hygiene and the threat of a psychological meltdown.

Am I being unreasonable?

..and now I read you are having an op in his absence.

end of. game over. He isn't going. He should not even be thinking of going.

I'm trying to imagine the kind of newborn that allows you to sit on the sofa for hours on end watching Glee.

Three kids and I never got one of them...

YANBU

You feel as you feel - your history of anxiety/depression is what it is - and your baby (not napping etc) is as it is. No one else on this thread has had been in your particular situation. I think you are certainly entitled to ask your partner to reconsider the trip.

You are physically unwell and emotionally in need of support. You might cope fine on your own, but why not make the decision together with your partner, rather than treading on eggshells around the idea of him missing this trip as some suggest.

I do wonder, like you, if some posters here really understand what happens during periods of anxiety. The fact that someone told you to 'buck up' makes me sigh a little bit.

You know OP, if my dh said to me 'ahbollocks, I know this holiday means alot to you but I really dont think I can physically and emotionally look after our tiny baby' I would cancel the fucking trip. Children are only so small and sooo needy for such a small amount of time, and god willing we all have many years ahead of us to enjoy parties and holidays.
Yanbu.
And as well I used to live in beautiful Berlin, and alone with a baby it is really really tough, its not a city that is easy to use with a large pram at all.

YANBU. A hundred times over.

I am happy to admit I judge these husbands/partners who bugger off on stag and lads holidays whilst they have a baby at home. Work trips are, of course different. You and your health comes first in this case anyway, completely.

Anyhow it's a stag do, not the flippin wedding. Surely the groom to be would prefer his brother to stay at home to support his wife and new baby?

wobbly my (4) newborns fed, slept, cuddled, fed, grizzled slept. I watched the entire West Wing over their heads. What did your newborns do?

"And as for the advice not to let your DH know how you're feeling....that actually seems irresponsible as well as misguided. Why should she martyr herself and pretend everything's fine just so he can go to a four day party? This is exactly why people with MH issues feel they can't tell people..that kind of attitude. "

THIS THIS THIS. Having gone through PND, that suggestion actually made me feel sick. As I said above, I already had the guilts that I wasn't a good enough mother because I couldn't cope by myself, and yes, I felt terrible about "making" DP look after me and frequently felt the urge to hide how bad I felt from him because it showed how terrible/crap/bad I was. For that to be suggested as "this is what you NEED to do to make you STRONG" is, yes, downright irresponsible. As someone else upthread said, it's like telling someone with a broken leg that they need to walk on it. See also: fuckwits telling you that you'll be braver and stronger if you try to cope without the "cop out" of antidepressants. It's basically telling the OP to put her DP and his brother's feelings and need to have a Great Party (FOR GOD SAKE DON'T MAKE HIM FEEL GUILTY, HIS BROTHER'S STAG PARTY SHOULD BE PRIORITIZED ABOVE ALL, HE MUST BE ABLE TO SPEND FOUR DAYS DRINKING AS IF HE WAS SINGLE AGAIN AND FORGET YOU EXIST - but ooh, tee hee, he can maybe break "stag code", whatever the fuck that is, and once or twice phone you to make sure you're not curled up in a ball crying, won't that be lovely?) over her own mental health. I'm actually furious about this on the OP's behalf.

"my (4) newborns fed, slept, cuddled, fed, grizzled slept. I watched the entire West Wing over their heads. What did your newborns do?"

My second one did that. My first one spent a lot of time screaming if he wasn't being walked around/bounced in a sling, etc. I did so much walking around the neighbourhood it was like becoming a postman.

"Maybe when he phones you, you can pretend that everything is alright even if it isn't! You wouldn't want him having to rush back from the stag party, would you? Imagine how GUILTY you'd feel!"

I too am thoroughly annoyed at all the 'mental health issue? Just suck it up and all will be fine' only to see an abrupt about turn when it is a physical problem.

Mental health problems are real you know, and as deserving of support as any other heath issue.

As for watching box sets, well depression and anxiety are not cured by good tv.

Let him go if he wants, it's his brother and you'll manage.

Tyzer85, have you actually read the thread? She's about to go on anti-depressants and have gynae surgery.

My DH didn't go away for an invited trip when my third child was eight weeks old. Babies are hard work at that age and it is no way unreasonable for both parents to prioritise staying at home if possible.

leedy whoops I missed that, in that case ask him to not go.

My DH didn't invite his brothers to his stag do. He's really close to them but they didn't know his friends very well (if at all) and he reckoned they'd hate a week-end in Amsterdam with drunken strangers reminiscing about tequila and traffic cones at university. He phoned them and explained. They were delighted to swerve the event and took him out for dinner at a Michelin 3* restaurant for a lovely evening a trois - at half the cost to them of a week-end abroad.

Not sure why I'm posting this because I don't know OP's DH's relationship with his brother. He could though use his Iceland budget to do something later when OP is stronger.

Yes, Leedy and don't forget to make sure there's someone there to screen the calls and to make sure you don't call him if you feel you can't cope!

I'm glad someone else thought this was bad advice too.

And how many people are saying "oh let him go" and then "oh sorry just read full thread and you need an OP, he shouldn't go". It just shows doesn't it, how people don't think MN issues are as serious as physical issues. And I'm saying that as someone with a physical disability. Difficulty getting out of the house unaided due to terrible anxiety is just as as much a disability as me not being able to get out in my wheelchair unaided.

please read the FULL thread people

OP, have PMed you,just in case you don't get the notifications.

OP - Has this thread helped you to put some things in perspective?

It saddens me that even here so many women are suggesting that you put your partner's convenience above your own physical and mental well being.

Is that really all women are worth? Less than a man's "right" to go and get plastered just because you pin a label saying "stag do" to it?

Jesus wept

To be fair I think many posters were thinking of the usual nerves surrounding being left alone with the baby for the first time and remembering that when they finally did it they found it empowering, and wanting to share that positivity with the op.

The problem being they ignored the mental health issues mentioned in the OP.

Usually I would say that in a year's time, these 4 days will be over and forgotten - and you can bank the 4 days for when you want to go somewhere and have some fun. I would not have wanted my dh to go away and I was worried every time he went out in the car in case something happened to him when my ds was weeks old so I totally understand your concern. But the few days fly by so fast.

HOWEVER

If you are ill, and about to have surgery, those are two reasons why he should not go.

I suffer from pretty bad anxiety.

DH went away for the weekend around the time DS was 6 weeks. If anything despite worrying I found it easier because time was irrelevant when it was just me and DS for a couple of days. It actually took some pressure off in a weird kind of way.

However, if you are having an OP next week, then you have another reason to ask him to stay. That does sound like one thing too many.

My point is more, it might not be as difficult as you fear.

Oh dear so true that those of us that have MH issues should just suck it up but if there is something physical then our needs suddenly become a priority? My anti anxiety medication can actually leave me incapable of looking after dd sometimes and it's hard for the op to know how she is going to feel. Having a friend around, no matter how close, simply isn't the same.

I wonder at any new father who would prefer to be hundreds of miles away getting shitfaced rather than enjoying time with his new baby and wife. Horses for courses I guess but it would devastate me. Not saying that is your DH OP, but surely he would want to be with you and support you during this time?

OP, if the roles were reversed, would you go? Know that I wouldn't.

Actually living, I think its more that having a mental health issue is one thing, but having something physical IN ADDITION to that might be too much to deal with. Certainly that's how I view it that one or the other might be a struggle to deal with but its the two in combination which makes it something that possibly is an unrealistic expectation.

In my case, with having enough food in and not needing to venture out, simply pacing myself and ignoring the clock made it manageable. I wouldn't have been able to cope if I had been ill too.

But it does depend on how ill you feel. That does mean mentally as well as physically. I think its difficult to judge just how unwell someone is when it comes to mental health in comparison to physical health. Especially when sometimes if it is mental you do need to step outside your comfort zone as that helps you get better. Its not a straightforward call imho.

Who says he's going away "to get shitfaced". That's a while lot of assumption being made there. And It's not some mates stag. It's his brother.

Hey op I hope you're ok I personally think he should be able to go but I hope that, if he dies so, you're ok with that. I am confident that you will do just fine while he's away.

I Reading this thread is like reading the agony aunt page of an old magazine.

Dont upset him.
You must not stress him.
Hide your feelings.
Hire a manicurist (now this will def sort all the problems)