To ask DH to skip his bro's stag do in Iceland next week

[microferret]

It's not that I'm worried he'll misbehave or anything like that, I trust him 100%... The reason is that we have a 7 week old baby who doesn't sleep at all during the daytime and is pretty fussy, feeding constantly, and I don't know how I'll cope.

Back when the trip was booked we thought naively that by then we'd be enough into the swing of things for me to be alone. The trip is four days long which sounded short when it was booked but now stretches out in front of me like an endless road of doom. Considering that I'm tearing my hair out by the time he gets home from work at 6 or 7 I just feel increasingly like four long days alone will be a disaster.

We are expats based in Berlin so there are no family members who could come and stay. I have 2 very close friends who would want to help but really don't know what to do with a baby. I would be genuinely alone.

I have a history of anxiety and depression and I've just been to the doctor to get a prescription for sertraline as I can feel the anxiety and obsessive thoughts creeping back. One of the repeated negative thoughts I suffer from is fear something will happen to DH, so that adds an extra dimension of misery.

I really don't want to be the needy wife that stops her husband doing things, but I can't help feeling this way. It just seems far too early to be left all alone. I am in awe of single parents after experiencing the first weeks of motherhood. I've raised it with DH and he is sympathetic and wants to stay but is worried about upsetting his brother. I also understand and it would be a shame for his brother but fear four days of frustration, loneliness, anxiety, poor personal hygiene and the threat of a psychological meltdown.

Am I being unreasonable?

Oh no I hope you get the treatment you need soon. On top of your mental health you can't even begin to recover properly from giving birth yet! I had Strep B afterwards and it took ages to get back on my feet.

And I second everything that kaykayred said. He's a parent. Long booze ups are a thing of the past for a while at least (they at least should be!). And you are his WIFE and the mother of his child who needs his help and support whilst you are ill. These are not normal circumstances. That trumps any kind of stag do for his brother in my book! If his brother has half a soul he will be completely supportive.

This is a time in your life where it is 100% okay to tell other people that your needs come first. You aren't being selfish, you aren't being unkind.

Poor OP. Objectively speaking 7 week old babies are a piece of cake to look after but I remember suffering from severe baby blues with my PFB, sobbing down the phone to DH at work and it definitely didn't feel simple at all.

If it were just your anxiety that was the problem then I'd say to lean on your female buddies (it doesn't matter if they know nothing about babies - they can still cook and chat and cuddle while you have a bath and a nap) and let him go, but if you need a significant operation I think that changes matters.

Do not agree to this OP. Been there myself when I stupidly let DH leave with clients on a Friday as his parents were supposed to arrive Saturday morning. The IL's changed their mind and arrived on Monday afternoon leaving me with two DC under 2 on my own 550 miles from the closest family member. NEVER AGAIN. I got the worst headache and as I had preeclampsia with my first I had to go into hospital for monitoring. DC's were in the hospital childcare unit until Sunday morning when I was discharged.

The most important thing right now is your health OP. I hope you start to feel better soon.

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling OP and I'm another one thinking that a lot of the advice about "getting on with it" is extremely unhelpful in your situation. I'm really pleased your friend can come to stay. Can your DP call her to brief her on how you need to be looked after?

Also, I'm not clear about the timings of the stag do, but if you have an infection from retained placenta I do think your DP should be around until you have fully recovered from this by which I mean a couple of days after you have finished the antibiotics to make sure the infection doesn't return. I know that I needed support for the first three weeks of taking antidepressants as well whilst I got through the side-effects.

If not your DP, could your mother or MIL come over for the duration?

YANBU

I would be pretty hurt if my husband put a stag do over my mental health.

Now if you were trying to stop him from socialising full stop then that would be bad, but a 4 day stag do when you are struggling mentally with a new baby? Yeah, if he put a piss up before that I would think much less of him.

I had mental health problems when one of mine was that young and some days I could barely function.

I think YANBU, it's fine everyone saying 'oh I did it and I coped' but if you are going on ADs and feel shaky about it all, then it's not the same situation. It's not his brother's wedding, it's a stag do, they are NOT more important than the wellbeing of your wife and newborn.

If he can compromise and go for 2 days, that seems reasonable. If he doesn't mind skipping it, then he should. His brother should understand and if he doesn't, tough.

I agree that you should let your friends help though

btw I'm in Berlin... have you joined any of the expat parent groups yet? I haven't but they seem very supportive. Feel free to PM me too :)

Oh sorry, just read the first page!

FGS you are having an op, he should definitely not go. It's not even a question.

I'm trying to imagine a situation where my husband had anxiety, was on medication, needed an op, had a newborn to take care of who didn't sleep, and I headed off on a 4 day piss up. I mean, come on. Would never happen.

Actually, people saying "I had three DC on my own for three weeks when I was two weeks post birth and I managed" etc etc are really annoying me as if they didn't have MN issues and/or PND, it's hardly a valid comparison. It would just make OP feel worse.

It would be like someone saying to me (wheelchair user) "well, I manage to get to the shops in the snow, you'll be fine". Or similar.....

Actually, people saying "I had three DC on my own for three weeks when I was two weeks post birth and I managed" etc etc are really annoying me as if they didn't have MN issues and/or PND, it's hardly a valid comparison. It would just make OP feel worse.

Exactly. And even if there were MH issues, it differs from person to person. No two cases are the same.

I really hope he's not going now.

I hope the operation goes OK. Are you having a GA or epidural? I had it done with epidural and didn't feel much but it wasn't very nice. If you can have a GA I would recommend it.

micro YAAbsolutelyNBU, especially if you've now got to have an operation! Bloody hell, he should definitely stay now.

He needs to go to this stag do. It's his brother's stag do- probably the only one he'll ever have and his brother would be desperately hurt if he wasn't there, even if he doesn't say so.

I know first-hand that it's hard with a young baby on your own, but you CAN and you do NEED TO do this.

Given your history, ask/beg/bribe one of your friends to come and stay with you for the 4 days. They might not know what to do with a baby, but at least they can offer you moral support (and, you never know, they may be more useful than you think - they can at least make a cup of tea for you or watch the baby napping while you have a shower, pass a towel to you after your bath the baby, etc.). Get in a few feel-good DVDs (like Hairspray) and a bottle of wine (or non alcoholic wine, if you're not drinking) and treat the evenings like a bit of a girly slumber party! Maybe book a manicurist to come to the house one day, a takeaway pizza the next, etc. so you have treats to distract you every day.

Before your husband goes, try not to raise the subject too much with him. Keep your fears to yourself (or share them with your friend rather than your DH). If you're going to say 'yes', then you should do this with grace and don't try to make him feel guilty. You've already let him know that this is going to be hard for you, and he has already been sympathetic. Leave it at that, and wish him well with as much of a genuine smile as you can muster. While he's away, GIVE YOUR PHONE TO YOUR FRIEND so you're not tempted to make emotional 3am calls to him when you're feeling low and out of sorts. She can pass the phone to you when he's able to call. Perhaps make a deal with DH that he'll call at certain times once or twice a day to check in, so you're not sat there imagining horrible things. His brother will understand that your DH will need to break 'stag do code' by calling you- especially if the bro knows your emotional history.

Sometimes the hardest things to do are the ones that make us strongest in the long run...

OK, sorry OP, I didn't read full thread properly and didn't know that you needed an operation while he is away. This is a different matter- I can totally see that someone needs to be in the country to look after the baby while you're having the operation.

Ignore my previous reply in that case.

I feel for you and think that YANBU - due to being on pnd medication - it's not the reality if whether u can cope or not that's the issue - it's the anxiety caused by your perception of whether u can do it. Tell your DH. See what your doctor and health visitor say. DH can always catch up with his brother another time. Pnd is a bugger. You don't have to be a martyr here. Good luck xxxx

Goodness me this thread shows just how little people know about mental illness.

Suffering from poor mental health - "Pull yourself together! You can do this! It will make you stronger"

Need an operation "Well, I suppose you do need looking after then".

Arrange an agency cleaner and a daily pizza delivery. Literally sit on the sofa for 4 days with your baby.

Shouldiwork - Yes, sitting on the sofa for 4 straight days will do her mental health wonders.

Then there's the part were the OP is recovering from surgery too.

Agree with others, ADs and having an op is a very different situation than someone just feeling they can't cope. (If you are in healthy mind and body then honestly it is more than doable to look after a young baby on your own for a few days - what do you think single parents do?)

Good God alive. Those saying you should buck up have clearly never had a difficult first baby and the feeling of utterly not coping that goes with it, LET ALONE MH problems. YANBU - he shouldn't go.

i love weddings! I love most of the hen dos I've been on in the uk and abroad (there have been many). My husband is the same. Neither of us would want to meet a hen/stag trip of a good friend or a sibling.

HOWEVER in your circs I wouldn't want my husband to go and would have no problem saying so and that's without the update of your op. It's not the wedding he is missing, he can always take his brother out another time.

DH went on a stag do abroad when dc1 was just over 3 months. He went with my blessing because dc1 was sleeping through the night by then thank god (!) and also my family would be around. If I was having a crap time and up 10 times a night he would have stayed.

I think your DH needs to be more concerned with not upsetting his wife than his brother. Hope your op goes well!

Ipity, I know!

Paper lace, she isnt healthy in mind, have you read the thread?

And as for the advice not to let your DH know how you're feeling....that actually seems irresponsible as well as misguided. Why should she martyr herself and pretend everything's fine just so he can go to a four day party? This is exactly why people with MH issues feel they can't tell people..that kind of attitude.

OP is unwell (sorry OP to talk about you as if you're not here) and she needs support not abandoning with a new baby. Why is mental health seen as so different from physical health?

If I started a thread saying I am disabled (use a wheelchair) and in chronic pain, DH wants to slope off (well he doesn't but he doesn't want to let DB down) to his DB's stag do abroad for four days, but I can't manage with the baby on my own, what do you think the advice would be?

Would I be told to buck up and keep a stiff upper lip? Or...it'll be fine, just sit on the sofa for four days! And wave him off with a smile.

Attitudes on this thread show exactly why so many people suffer with MN issues/PND without enough support, decent treatment and understanding.

Also as its his brother, as every other poster seems to remind you, then he of all people should be more understanding of what his brothers family are going through!!!!

Why would sitting on the sofa with a newborn and a pizza be bad for anyone's mental health? Obviously the full Glee boxset should also be involved!

Shouldiwork, my memories of sitting on the sofa with DD involved a crying, fractious baby who wanted to nurse constantly, being hungry and thirsy, unable to go to the toilet without her crying, exhausted and in no state to follow tv programmes, desperately clock watching until the magic 7.30 pm when DH came home and I got to move for the first time in hours. No thanks.

no. You are ill and have a newborn. One of these might just excuse him going, both at once does not.

sorry, but he has to cancel his four-day pissup.