To ask DH to skip his bro's stag do in Iceland next week

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It's not that I'm worried he'll misbehave or anything like that, I trust him 100%... The reason is that we have a 7 week old baby who doesn't sleep at all during the daytime and is pretty fussy, feeding constantly, and I don't know how I'll cope.

Back when the trip was booked we thought naively that by then we'd be enough into the swing of things for me to be alone. The trip is four days long which sounded short when it was booked but now stretches out in front of me like an endless road of doom. Considering that I'm tearing my hair out by the time he gets home from work at 6 or 7 I just feel increasingly like four long days alone will be a disaster.

We are expats based in Berlin so there are no family members who could come and stay. I have 2 very close friends who would want to help but really don't know what to do with a baby. I would be genuinely alone.

I have a history of anxiety and depression and I've just been to the doctor to get a prescription for sertraline as I can feel the anxiety and obsessive thoughts creeping back. One of the repeated negative thoughts I suffer from is fear something will happen to DH, so that adds an extra dimension of misery.

I really don't want to be the needy wife that stops her husband doing things, but I can't help feeling this way. It just seems far too early to be left all alone. I am in awe of single parents after experiencing the first weeks of motherhood. I've raised it with DH and he is sympathetic and wants to stay but is worried about upsetting his brother. I also understand and it would be a shame for his brother but fear four days of frustration, loneliness, anxiety, poor personal hygiene and the threat of a psychological meltdown.

Am I being unreasonable?

He should go. You'll be fine.

When I've been in situations like these, I've found that in the end, its never really as bad as I feared.

IPityThePontipines I certainly didn't miss the part about anti-depressants. I don't think it would be helpful at this stage to block the trip unless absolutely necessary. The fact that OP has a friend coming to stay means that she will have practical help and moral support, even though the friend doesn't have experience of babies. If dh doesn't go she'd be stuck at home while he's at work anyway. The friend's visit while dh goes on his brother's stag do will enable her to reassess her ability to cope without him. It's only 4 days and partners of depressed people need a break too.
Putting a positive spin on it, it may be the step up that the op needs to help her become less anxious about being at home with her your child and improve her confidence.

ALY - were you taking anti-depressants in those situations? Did you have a longstanding mental illness?

Unreasonable yes. It's his brother for goodness sake.

My hubby works away, he left me for 4.5 weeks when baby was 6 days old , with baby & two dogs to sort. You will be fine

Let him go, it's his brother. He has to be there .

YAB a bit U - it's his brother FGS.

It sounds like a horrible position you are in but is there no one else you can go and stay with (what about family in the UK?).

If it was a friend I'd get it and probably side with you, but his brother ... you need to find a way to be okay with it and let him go.

Honestly I've got to say I think you should encourage him to go.

My first baby was about 8 weeks old and I had post natal depression when my DH's brother's stag do rolled around - 4 days in Barcelona! I made a real effort not to ask him to stay as his brother and I already had a slightly strained relationship but my DS came down with a chest infection with a high temperature two days before he was due to go. The doctor terrified me with talk of 'watching him closely in case he has a seizure' (due to high temp) and I panicked!

In the end my DH stayed at home. DS was fine but my DBiL has resented the fact that his brother didn't come to his stag do ever since. I think my DH regrets it too...

Am I missing something, it's the stag do, not the actual wedding?

So a four day jolly piss up. While you have a baby and what sounds like PND, certainly anxiety which is ecxarbated by the thought of being alone.

YADNBU. I had similar with my first DC and I still remember the feeling of waiting for my DH to get home from work, time seemed to go slowly and it was so hard. I was out of depth and struggling. And do you know what, my DH wouldn't have dreamt of going for a four day party and left me to cope on my own. Because I'm his wife looking after his child, and we come before a party, even his brother's.

OP is ill. Yes she may well cope, it will be doable, but she has a tiny baby and MH problems, why should her life be made any harder than it has to be, for a bloody stag do.

Ooh I'm upset for you OP and suprised at the posters here. I think it would be awful if he went. And I'm saying this now as someone with a serious disability and I'm a believer in coping and managing on my own, so I'm not a precious little princess.

He shouldn't go.

Thanks YesIDid, I feel a bit better to hear that I wonder if some people really understand the full implications of depression and anxiety, and how it can render one literally incapable of even the most basic tasks when one is in its grip. I'm not there yet but I certainly want to avoid anything that might tip me over the edge and back into it.

For those repeatedly saying "it's his brother FGS" - yes thanks, I know it's his brother. I'm aware that he and his brother have a special bond and that this is a tough situation and a crappy thing to ask of someone, hence the creation of this thread. But I'm also aware that a stag do is mainly a glorified pub crawl, it's not the same as an actual wedding, it's basically a party, and it isn't really quite as important as many people seem to be insisting. That said I don't want to make life hard for the poor man so I'm going to tell him to go unless I get much worse over the next few days. Polly will be here and though she knows fuck all about babies she's a pile of fun, a good cook, a fast learner and a trusted friend so I will just put faith in her and my own abilities.

On a more cheerful note I've just been to the gynaecologist to discover that I have a retained placenta and an infection so I'll have to go and have an op to get it removed on Monday (which is my birthday). Oh the joys of motherhood! I keep looking at my lovely baby just to remind myself it's all been worth it

And Nikki - you poor thing. I feel I'm in an almost identical situation. I like BIL a lot but our relationship is still precarious due to differing political views, his habit if being confrontational and my inability to resist passionately defending my beliefs. Argh, families.

YANBU.

Look, you have a few young baby, you are stressed up to your eyeballs, and have no family around you.

Your partner wants to go on a four day piss up.

It's great that some people have done the same and "managed just fine" but really, who gives a fuck? No disrespect to them, but they are not you, their situation is not the same as yours, and frankly everyone is different. I mean, sure, if he does go, you will survive until he gets back. The question is, why should you have to spend 4 days utterly alone and miserable and barely keeping it together so he can fuck off on a jolly?

He is a parent too. He doesn't just get to fob off parental responsibility for a knees up.

So it's his brothers stag do. Awesome. Last time I checked though, "stag do" was lower on the priority list to "being a parent".

I am quite sure that your partner wouldn't be too impressed if you fucked off on a four day piss up hen do and left him with total responsibility with no support. Then add in the fact that at six weeks, you're only just beginning to recover from the birth.

Your friends might be willing to come and give you a hand, but do you even want friends seeing you in a right state? I mean, friends are awesome, but they are still basically guests. It's different to if they were family or your partner.

I think you need to sit down with him and say "We totally underestimated how hard this would be. I don't feel like I can cope completely alone for four days. I know how much you want to go, and I don't want to have to ask you to stay, but I do. We're both parents now and sometimes that means having to miss out on four day benders".

few young baby? New young baby! Not sure how you could have an old young baby but whatevs.

PS, If he doesn't "get it" then he is a total wanker, and you should merrily sod off on your own jolly in a few weeks time.

YANBU at all. I had PND and a very high needs baby first time round and there is not a snowball's chance in hell my DP would have fecked off for a four day pissup that early, and I did have family nearby. Also my anxiety actually got worse on my first week on sertraline (which can happen, though it worked marvellously once it kicked in properly and I got on the right dosage, hoorah for modern medicine), I was a total wreck for about a week, remember walking down to the seafront near my house just so I could howl and scream like a wounded animal at the sea. Genuinely was very worried I would hurt myself or the baby, desperately needed DP around as I actually found it difficult to talk properly to other people. I know it sounds a bit histrionic, but hey, that's depression for you. Funtimes.

YADNBU. I have a 5 week old and I really need that time when DP comes home to hand the baby over and go and have a bath and relax for a bit. I would be massively unimpressed if he wanted to disappear for 4 days for a jolly and I'm surprised how many posters seem to think a piss up should take higher priority than his wife and child, especially only 7 weeks post birth and with PND as a factor too.

Great news and a big hurrah for Polly, especially as she's a trusted friend. That should hopefully help you get some sleep even if Polly takes a crying baby out for a walk around the block.

The key now is to get organised before DH goes, so stock up on nappies, wipes, food shop etc and also get some naice ready meals in the freezer (just in case no-one feels like cooking) or ensure you have up-to-date takeaway menus to hand

BFing is really hard when they need feeding all the time, but some company in the house, someone just to walk around with the baby when they're fed, dry and still crying, is a God-send.

Also I hated the feeling that I was somehow failing as a proper mother because I couldn't cope on my own and was leaning too much on DP, and people telling me that I should just suck it up and stop restricting him and DO IT, I'LL BE FINE would have tipped me over the edge.

Second time round I had no PND and a much more chilled baby == frankly, a piece of piss. Could easily have done DP being away at that age.

OP just seen your post that you have to have an operation next week, you poor thing. Surely he is going to cancel now??!

Also (serial-posting frenzy), if you do feel up to him going I'm glad you've got someone to stay and help you, that'll make a huge difference.

My third is currently 8 weeks old; like hell would I be OK with my husband pissing off for a stag do at this point. If he had done it with our first baby and at a time when my MH was shaky I would have lost it entirely. YANBU at all.

Wait, op, you just said you need presumably a d&c for retained placenta (how did it take 7 weeks for them to find this!!! If you've been bleeding a lot this will have by itself made your anxiety much worse - I know my blood loss made me much wobblier with dc1) and an infection? I would have thought this put it off the table, tbh. My DH would not go in these circs, regardless of what I said, it actually starts to seem cruel.

Further to your update about the doc visit - yanbu. He should stay

Yanbu, you have pnd and anxiety and now you need an operation, if you have retained placenta that xan make you feel pretty crap as well so hopefully you will feel better physcily once it's removed.

My dp does shift work and is often away for days, yes generally I coped but after ds4 I had post natal psychosis and hthen depression and for a while dp no longer did overnights and he reduced his shifts, thankfully his work understood and were supportive.

This is a stag do, yes it's his brothers stag do but fgs you are not well and you have a new baby. Yes you probably would cope, but I am very glad to read your friend will come and stay with you xxx take care op.

Sorry to hear you have to have an OP.

But...hasn't he got a perfect excuse to cancel now? Sorry that sounds awful but I'm sure you know what I mean.

OP I'm so sorry you have to go into hospital on top of everything else.

Your update changes my response, if you are having an operation he needs to stay home.