To ask DH to skip his bro's stag do in Iceland next week

[microferret]

It's not that I'm worried he'll misbehave or anything like that, I trust him 100%... The reason is that we have a 7 week old baby who doesn't sleep at all during the daytime and is pretty fussy, feeding constantly, and I don't know how I'll cope.

Back when the trip was booked we thought naively that by then we'd be enough into the swing of things for me to be alone. The trip is four days long which sounded short when it was booked but now stretches out in front of me like an endless road of doom. Considering that I'm tearing my hair out by the time he gets home from work at 6 or 7 I just feel increasingly like four long days alone will be a disaster.

We are expats based in Berlin so there are no family members who could come and stay. I have 2 very close friends who would want to help but really don't know what to do with a baby. I would be genuinely alone.

I have a history of anxiety and depression and I've just been to the doctor to get a prescription for sertraline as I can feel the anxiety and obsessive thoughts creeping back. One of the repeated negative thoughts I suffer from is fear something will happen to DH, so that adds an extra dimension of misery.

I really don't want to be the needy wife that stops her husband doing things, but I can't help feeling this way. It just seems far too early to be left all alone. I am in awe of single parents after experiencing the first weeks of motherhood. I've raised it with DH and he is sympathetic and wants to stay but is worried about upsetting his brother. I also understand and it would be a shame for his brother but fear four days of frustration, loneliness, anxiety, poor personal hygiene and the threat of a psychological meltdown.

Am I being unreasonable?

TBF...I don't think it is a your life changes his doesn't..I assume it is all paid for and planned..

I think both of you need separate time away from each other... The timing may of been better but it gives you chance to have a girly catch up. TRy looking at what you can do with the time even if it is sleep when baby doesnt without DP snoring.

I don't think it is about making you doubly miserable. If your sister ( if you have one ) has a hen night and you had planned to go wanted to it would be the same imo.

Why does society expect you to be doubly miserable?

Both your lives have changed not just yours but your DH presumably has to to go to work so unless you are sharing the maternity leave he can't do anything about that.

It's a baby, they want milk, sleep and clean nappies. Four days alone is nothing, some do months on end or it all.

He should go, it's his brother so close family.

Have you got other children too or just the baby? If you have others then asking him to stay is a bit more understandable but if it's just the baby then I definitely think he should go. I think FTM's (and I include myself in this!) tend to make motherhood harder than it actually is, why would you be miserable being in your own home looking after your own baby? This is YOUR child and yes for the time being the majority of responsibility for the child falls on your shoulders, that's the way it is, you must have known that before you had a baby. Yes being equal and working together is important but letting him go on his own brothers stag do doesn't mean he's shirking his responsibility. I'm assuming if you had a hen do next month you'd be going to that and we'd all be on mumsnet slagging off your DH because he'd asked you not to go!

Invite friends for the weekend. I did the same for a friend if mine before I had kids. I knew nothing about babies but I didn't need to.

I made lots if cups if tea, all the meals did laundry and ironing. I walked the floor with the baby while she had a bath and sang/read stories/played with baby hole she had a nap.

I kept her company in the evening watching a silly chick flick and brought her a cuppa and biccie when she was up during the night.

I loved every minute if it. Newborn baby snuggles!

I do understand how you feel, a wept buckets the night before my DH went back to work after our twins were born. He went a away for a week when they were 10 weeks old with work and he was crying because he didn't want to leave me unsupported.

But both times I coped, and felt stronger and more confident for having done so.

^^ so many typos I can't correct them all. Please accept my apologies...

I think he should go to. Especially as it's his brother.

Plan what you are going to eat ahead of time and don't do anything else, like washing, till he gets back.

I'm an immigrant too and we have no help either. It is hard and you do have to rely on friends far more than you would normally.

I had mental health issues after ds was born and I couldn't cope with being alone with him, therefore, I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I think a lot of replies are from people who haven't experienced that level of anxiety and/or have forgotten how difficult it is to find your feet with your first.

Put your health first, if you feel need to. If its just resentment that he gets a holiday then yes its crap but your time will come.

I would generally say that he should go, and that being alone with the baby for 4 days will give you the confidence that you clearly need. The thing is, if he can go away, you can go too, though clearly at a slightly later date. And that you don't need friends to help with the baby, you just need them for company and for moral support.

But not everyone in this life is strong. Some people crumble under pressure. You might be one, and articulate and self-aware enough to say so. You may not want to be the needy wife, but if you ask him not to go, that is what you are. Don't get me wrong: if that's the truth of the matter, and you sincerely cannot and will not cope, then he cannot go. Yanbu to say it how it is.

You know yourself and your capabilities best. I hope it all works out for you both, whatever the decision is.

DH sprung it on me that he was going on a 3 night business trip the next day. DD was 5 days old and I also had a 3yo. Due to short notice I couldn't get family/friends round to help. I was livid and spent the night worrying about how I would cope (bad anxiety not helping).

As it turned out I coped. DS didn't have the best meals and we had pyjama days but we survived. When DH got home he spent the weekend letting me sleep!

Being left alone with your first baby for the first time is daunting but you will surprise yourself. Get dh to make and freeze meals and just chill out at home with baby. Don't worry about doing anything else except sleeping, watching rubbish tv and looking after baby. If you can get friends round then even better but don't put pressure on yourself to have a tidy house, lovely cakes etc etc

Just to add : i mean that you may feel honestly incapable of coping now. Obviously you may be tough as nails by this time next year! Having a new baby can be a tough time for some people, and if you are needier than others for now, so be it.

It sounds to me that you are resenting his freedom (he went back to work, life is much closer to normal for him). I don't know if you should ask him to stay, but if he goes, definitely ask what is he doing for you in return. You will be alone for 4 days, what will he do for you to compensate? (don't let the resentment grow, it may turn into a huge problem)

Sorry you're feeling so anxious I have anxiety and it's horrible. I can completely understand where you're coming from. Have you started taking the sertraline ?

The close friends who are eager to stay and help, can't you show them what to do to help ?
I know how hopeless things can feel when anxiety gets a grip on you, but you do know how to look after your baby, even if it feels completely overwhelming at the moment. Could you focus on the baby while they keep you company and help out with cooking /cleaning ?
Do you think just having someone you're really close to will help ?
Have you spoken to them about how you're feeling ?

I'd have found this really hard with dc1. Can you hire an experienced babysitter? I'd do that so I'd know i had some decent help scheduled/on call in case I needed it.

I think you have to do what's right for you OP. Lots of posters are saying that it's easy having a new born and that you should get on with it, but every baby is different and everyone copes with it in their own way in those early weeks. My DS was a v trying baby - I couldn't put him down in the day (no showers for me while he gurgled in his bouncer!) or he would scream & scream. He would only nap on me and he didn't sleep well in the night. I also had a difficult birth and felt I didn't have time to recover as I was constantly up with the baby. By the time my DH got home in the evenings I couldn't wait to hand DS over and was often in tears. I don't think I would have coped with DH being away so early on. I personally think that if you think you'll find it hard to cope and can't get any proper help, that you need to put yourself & your baby first and ask your DH to stay. Or compromise & ask him to come back early and then give you 2 days off.

Is there anyone who could possibly come & stay ? Mil , mum
Best friend brothers fiancée?

If you plan to see another adult every day you will be fine. I know it's daunting but at 7 weeks they are do portable. You can have friends round or they can come to you.
Or if you have family, in uk or wherever, you could go and visit them.

Yanbu. I think many I the posters on here are overlooking the fact that you have just been prescribed ADs. And the fact that her DH has said he wants to stay with the op and not go on the stag do - he's just worried about upsetting his brother.

Don't want to be doom and gloom, but IMO a few days after you've just been put on medication for anxiety & depression is not an ideal time to be left on your own with a new baby. Starting on ADs can often bring pretty grim side effects, let alone the fact that you can feel more anxious before the tablets start to work.

But, to be fair to the Dh, he has said he doesn't want to go. Can he not just have a chat with his brother, explain that you are not well at the moment (giving him as much or as little detail as you would be happy with) and that regretfully he can't come?

Surely there will be a 'local' stag night for those who couldn't attend the four day one - so he can just go to that. I don't understand why hen do's and stag do's have to be holidays abroad nowadays anyway, but that's a whole other thread

Sorry don't mean to be patronizing by saying you'll be fine, and I know what it's like to be anxious. But imagine if your DH had to go to hospital for a few days, to get a bunion sorted or something.. You would cope and be fine. Don't worry.

YADNBU

It really irritates me when stag dos have to be days away, at huge exspense no doubt. What's wrong with a night out?

Your dh priority should be his baby and you. Four days with a newborn alone is too much for anyone, let alone if you're feeling down and anxious too. His brother should just understand.

Yeah I do think hindsight is a thing, I'm not sure I'd have coped with dc1, now I have dc2 I think babies are easy but I didn't then at all. We were also on our own and knowing that there is noone you can have there asap in an emergency is stress inducing of itself. I do agree different people find different things hard, I'm confident in a lot of respects but my first newborn was terrifying.

Micro I hear what you say about your dh's life going back to normal and yours going through a spinwash. I felt it too. Make sure you talk about it and make yourself listened or the resentment will grow.

I think he should go and you'll cope fab. Like others said, forget about houseworks just concentrate on you and the baby. It is ok if dh comes home to a tip of a house. Your job is ONLY to look after the baby and yourself.

But most importantly make sure that once dh is back he takes the lionshare of the care and gives you plenty of me time (whatever it would be for you. In those early days all I longed for was to be alone, even in tesco).
This way you will not feel a victim nor a martyr -a very dangerous combo.

Get your friends to come over and cook fir you and have a laugh...

Do you know what? You will cope, and you will cope a lot better than you think you will. My OH worked away in Australia for 4 weeks when I had two under two (one very little baby). I was shitting myself. But it was fine, much better than I thought. I was mega organised, so busy it flew by, and I found myself doing stuff I didn't usually do -and feeling proud of myself as a result. It was empowering knowing I could cope, and actually cope very well, on my own.
I would send him off and give it a go. You will be fine, honest.

My husband worked away Sun-Fri from DD being 2 weeks old. I had no family around either.

Sleep when your baby sleeps, eat properly. That's pretty much all you need do.