To ask DH to skip his bro's stag do in Iceland next week

[microferret]

It's not that I'm worried he'll misbehave or anything like that, I trust him 100%... The reason is that we have a 7 week old baby who doesn't sleep at all during the daytime and is pretty fussy, feeding constantly, and I don't know how I'll cope.

Back when the trip was booked we thought naively that by then we'd be enough into the swing of things for me to be alone. The trip is four days long which sounded short when it was booked but now stretches out in front of me like an endless road of doom. Considering that I'm tearing my hair out by the time he gets home from work at 6 or 7 I just feel increasingly like four long days alone will be a disaster.

We are expats based in Berlin so there are no family members who could come and stay. I have 2 very close friends who would want to help but really don't know what to do with a baby. I would be genuinely alone.

I have a history of anxiety and depression and I've just been to the doctor to get a prescription for sertraline as I can feel the anxiety and obsessive thoughts creeping back. One of the repeated negative thoughts I suffer from is fear something will happen to DH, so that adds an extra dimension of misery.

I really don't want to be the needy wife that stops her husband doing things, but I can't help feeling this way. It just seems far too early to be left all alone. I am in awe of single parents after experiencing the first weeks of motherhood. I've raised it with DH and he is sympathetic and wants to stay but is worried about upsetting his brother. I also understand and it would be a shame for his brother but fear four days of frustration, loneliness, anxiety, poor personal hygiene and the threat of a psychological meltdown.

Am I being unreasonable?

Definitely definitely ask your friends to help-it will be a novelty for them and you can all learn together!
My dh went away for 2 nights when dd was 10 weeks and tbh it nearly broke me as I didn't have anyone to call on and dd was particularly challenging! To have a friend there, even one who knew nothing about babies (because I didn't have a clue either!) would have made it much more bearable as maybe even enjoyable.

Although lots of us would cope with being on our own for a few days with some hints & tips on the practicalities, I do wonder if your recent prescription for ADs does make things different for you. I have no idea about side affects or indeed how serious your mental health is currently, but if you think it'll get worse and you don't have adequate support when your DH is away, then I think you should ask him to stay.

Plus, lots of things I'd suggest (like finding a good baby group to attend to get out of the house and usually the organisers like to jiggle babies while the mums chat/drink tea/eat biscuits) do take a while to find. Or indeed asking a family member to visit you to help out (if appropriate) would take longer than a week to organise.

TBH if you were ill with flu or had a broken arm, your DH would most probably stay behind to look after the baby, and I'm not sure that this is any different.

It's bad timing but maybe your DH could see him separately?

Exactly. And as purple said, if it were flu or a broken arm, nobody would question op needing her dh to stay.

It's sad that MH problems still don't seem to be classed as a 'real' illness.

I'm just thinking back to my first few months as a mum and realised that I still lived in a house share with friends. So although I had a terrible relationship with DS's dad (split up at five months) I often had people around me, including every evening. I think that is the key to getting through those first few months.
If you knew your friends were going to be there would you feel better? It actually might be more enjoyable in some ways than the days where you are home alone with baby all day long waiting for DH to get home. (I think all this being alone with babies is a factor in PND anyway and we don't rely enough on friends at these times.
I hope my drunken ramblings help OP. It was when I left my house share that I began to find motherhood hard.

Another one here who understands. You are ill. Please avoid a situation where you are on your own. Can you get a family member to fly out? Can you go visit them? Stag do is important so try to facilitate but ultimately your health is more important. (Ignore all the breezy people who just had the normal tiredness to contend with - they really have no idea.) I'm taking you seriously as are others.

Can dh take responsibility here - he has to come up with the solution. Can you hire an emergency nanny, night nanny or even a doula? Let him choose. As someone says it's the same as having a broken leg. You being on your own not an option. But that doesn't automatically equate to him not going.

Do you not have friends/family back home you could visit and show off new baby to whilst he is away?

Hopefully everyone will be so delighted to have their "turn" with the baby you can just sit around drinking tea?

Malabrig0 they are hardly going to pop to Iceland for the day.

Your comment about almost tearing your hair out by the time your DH gets home reminds me of when my DC1 was younger. She was such a high needs baby and we went through the witching hour every day starting from 4pm. Believe me, I really do empathise with how hard things are for you right now. I remember that awful, tearing my hair out feeling all too well.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, and I get the anxiety and depression concern too (DC2 now and I'm now on sertraline because things were getting too much.) DH went away for a work jollies weekend when DC2 was 5 weeks and I actually didn't cope at all well. I genuinely got close to hurting myself because I was struggling that much. I'm kind of amazed so many people are just telling you to get on with it, they really must not know how dark depression can be.

I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting him to stay, and I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask him to either. As disappointing as it might be for him to miss his brother's stag do his wife and child are ultimately his main priority.
You could also try a compromise and ask him to shorten how long he's there for.

If you do decide to leave it and he goes on this stag do make sure you have as much support as you can round up. Your friends might not have practical experience with babies but their presence will still be useful. If nothing else having them to share the day with well help it go by a lot quicker than if you're stuck there on your own.

YANBU. To those saying, 'sleep when baby sleeps' what if she has a baby that won't be put down? There was no way I would have coped with this when DD was 7 weeks - at that age the only break/sleep I had was when DH took her from me for a few hours when he got home. She was v difficult at that age, wanting to be held and fed constantly. If he had gone away I would have had no rest the entire time. And I hadn't been diagnosed with depression.

Thanks all. My mental state is, as some have guessed, the main concern. I am now obsessed with the idea something will happen to DH on the plane journey there or back... Totally irrational I know but it replays over in my head on a constant loop, til I'm almost in tears. I started taking the meds today, it normally takes a few weeks for them to kick in but at least I feel I'm taking action.

Luckily when I messaged her my friend Polly jumped at the chance to bunk up at mine for the four days as she's just split with her man but is awkwardly stuck in a flat with him. I hope she understands what she's letting herself in for. I think it will make life a million times easier.

When I talk about life being the same for DH, I guess it feels a lot like that. He hasn't made any of the physical or emotional sacrifices of pregnancy or birth. I'm BF so tied to the baby in a very profound way... I deal with all the night feeds and he doesn't even really lose any sleep. I haven't had a decent drink for nearly a year now, and he indulges all the time. Even if my hypothetical sister had a hen do right now I wouldn't be physically able to go anyway as DD doesn't take a bottle, so it wouldn't work both ways. Yes he's taking care of the work right now but it's low season for our small business so his workload is less than it was before the baby came, when we were working together. He's a lovely man though, and we've discussed changing his work schedule so I get more support. Hopefully when that happens the undeniable resentment I sometimes feel will ebb away.

Cheers for all the kind words and practical advice. It is much appreciated.

Could you afford a temp nursery nurse to come for the days he is away? Particularly if your friend can't make it.

That's great news about your friend, I'm glad you'll have some one there to help out.

You might find that you manage to establish routines whilst he's away, and some things are actually easier when you don't have to take someone else into account!
Lots of people have suggested that you could prepare by making sure you have a full shop done before he goes, and sort out meals in advance. You can sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when you feel like it etc.
Mouthful rightly said that you can put baby in basket/bouncy chair while you are in the shower/loo, and she is right - it will be a confidence boost for you because you will manage. Get your friends to come over - even if it's to make tea while you feed the baby, just to have some adult company. Make sure you can get out of the house by yourself - you can practice this before you go. Might be an idea to schedule something for every day.
What's the worst that can happen? Probably, that you are really tired but that's not the end of the world. Make it clear that you will need some time off when he gets back, maybe he can book an extra day's leave to take over while you catch up on lost sleep?

microferret glad that you have a friend coming to stay. I think you should let him go - it would be very short notice to cancel and it's his brother not just a mate.
You'll have a great time with a friend round all day to keep you entertained

Urgh bucking up when you have a seven week old baby and mental health concerns? Damn right your DH should be there to support you rather than going off on a stag do! We too made some decisions pre baby arrival that once she came were just silly to contemplate. I have bipolar and no way could I deal with things on my own at seven weeks. DH has even stopped work to support me at home for a bit and dd is seven months now. Please do take it easy and if you feel you need the support then tell him to stay if you still feel the support of your friend is not going to be enough. This is your health that needs to take priority. I well understand the crippling anxiety hope you feel better soon.

Great news that your friend can stay. To me it would be the thought of being alone for 4 days with no break in the routine.

I'm glad your friend can come and stay, it will really help to share the baby, and it might be an enjoyable few days.

"To those saying, 'sleep when baby sleeps' what if she has a baby that won't be put down?"

DD slept on me for the first 4 months. She did sleep in the daytime but I also went to bed with her at night, whatever time that was.

I had/have PTSD following her birth, so have some idea of the OP's situation too.

Great news on your friend, you might even find she is more help than DH as it's a novelty for her and it's only for a few days...

You need to pre-plan as much as you can - and DH needs to help with this, especially given your mental health at the moment. Have meals in the freezer - DH can cook them the weekend before he goes, in the evenings etc. (And clean up). Make sure you have plenty of snacks, I was always fancying snacks when bf.

And as for the feeling of being tied to this baby, that is normal. But shortly, by 3-4 months, baby will be more predictable in feed times, possibly more accepting of a bottle and generally OK to be left. What do you enjoy in your leisure time (in your pre-baby, I'm sure there is no leisure with a 6w old baby!)? Can you book a massage, nails, night out, museum trip without baby.... he could either take the day off if it works better on weekday, or have some time on the weekend... This could be a regular thing, that every Sat afternoon, wed eve is time off for you - just to give you some down time from the responsibility etc.

You will cope, and he will be fine - plan as much as you can and when he leaves, cope with each day, each hour as it comes.

I honestly would look into hiring some help. I think your husband should go, but I also think you should have some help, and he should organise it. Is there a nanny agency in Berlin? The sertraline should kick in fairly soon but possibly not in time for next week.

Can you open up to your friend and just let her know that you will look after the baby but she needs to look after you? Try to get out and about around Berlin with her and the baby.

I wish people would read OPs properly. About 90% of the posts on response on here have completely missed the part about requiring anti-depressants, a fact which changes everything, IMO.

It's definitely a good thing that your friend is coming to stay and I think wobbly's second paragraph is spot on.