To ask about never working again ...

[betweenmarchandmay]

I worked from being 22 to 28 (teacher.)

I was posting on the thread about being a SAHM and it occurred to me I can't really see a future where I'd work again.

Has anyone else spent most or all of their adult life not working?

Just wondering. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

dh and I have planned and budgeted to achieve early retirement, which will probably happen end of this year. We have a few ideas what we'll do including possibility of living abroad ( and learning languages etc)

There might be boring days, but you can be bored at work too It'll be hard to find a new dream after achieving such a big one.

Fancy

My dh isn't high achieving employee or rich.
He is very talented though.
My life is exciting and fun and not very conventional.
I am free without constraint on time which is more important to me than any career or job.

I do think paid employment (in whatever form) is definitely a good example to be setting to your children, whether they are male or female.

I see a SAHP (of NT children, carers of SN DC excepted from this) as facilitating the working parent and as a form of childcare, and this is valuable and should be recognised as such, but doesn't this apply for a certain period when they are little - when your DC is 25 and you aren't in paid employment, you're not a SAHP, you are unemployed. OP, if you're happy to be unemployed for the rest of your life, it's your look out but I think it would be incredibly naive and foolish to have this as a life plan at this stage of your life.

I have had to stop work through disability which my critical illness may or may not cover. My SAHP DP has had to go back to work. I feel incredibly vulnerable, feel as though I'm taking rather than giving, and generally uncomfortable with it. At least my DC have seen me work and grown up with a good work ethic themselves though.

Just remember, in so many years time, you will be long term unemployed rather than a SAHP. Does that still sound so enticing?

I was forced in to giving up work 9 years ago when I was 35. I didn't work from when DS1 was born until DS2 was 4, so that was 6 years out, but went back to part time work.

9 years ago an operation that was meant to fix my disabilty made it worse and took away the choice of me ever working. I have tried, I took on a 10 week 1-to1 TA job, but at the end of that knew it wasn't going to happen.

I absolutely hate not working. I believe my children, who are now 18&20, have benefitted from me being at hime during GCSES and A levels, however it hasn't benefitted me at all. I have lost a great deal of my sense of self worth, I can go all day without speaking to anyone, there is only so much daytime TV I can watch. I wrack my brains constantly trying to think something up that I could do, because I want to work.

DS1 has moved out and joined the army, DS2 is off to uni in September and DH has his job. I have nothing, I can't volunteer, I can't look after animals (other than my hamster), and I am incredibly socially isolated. It's beyond shit. The only thing I am grateful for is my NI contributions are protected so I should get a pension and DH will have his RAF pension so I don't have to worry about that.

Bolwers - I went back to work purely for financial reasons. Our financial situation had changed and I needed to earn money.

I like the job I do, it was very similar to some voluntary work I was already doing so that was a bonus . Interesting point - if some people consider SHAMs 'boring', are they just as boring if they are paid for a job that they previously did as a volunteer when they were a SAHM?

When I left work years ago I didn't envisage having to return and was very happy as a SAHM - but circumstances do change.

*facilitating the working parents career and household income and as a form of childcare, sorry missed a bit out.

Well it doesn't sound terrible as contextually I obviously won't hopefully have the issues typically associated with being unemployed.

I do need to be more financially savvy though

Fairy - is there really nothing you do as a volunteer? There are all sorts of volunteer organisations that might have some ideas that you could follow up, even if you can't get out of the house.

OP.

I too have a similar family, parents etc.
This is why i live my life to the full, pleasing myself and spending time with my family.
So sorry for your losses.

Some people have said my devotion to family is unhealthy because I'd do anything for them.

That doesn't mean I run baths for my 20 year old

TheFairyCaravan, I hear you.

I want to do some voluntary work but am not mobile enough and can't guarantee to be well enough every week. I recently read about a charity looking for volunteers to be telephone befrienders to elderly people, and it sounded ideal. Will see if I can find it and post a link.

It's hard isn't it. I'm still adjusting.

Fair dos OP, I will take it then that you do want some observations/ opinions.

Right now you have a young family, are enjoying being a SAHP (though you dont sound terribly stimulated) and don't need to work. In fact you never enjoyed your last job (please don't go back to it BTW, we can really do without such disinterested, illinformed teachers loose on our DC).

That's all cool.

But how can you possibly know that this is how you want your life to be for the next five years, let alone thirty/forty?

Surely the joy of life is that we continuously shape it and are surprised by it? That we change and grow as people?

When I look at how my life has changed and how I've grown since I was 30, I am filled with ecxcitement for the future. Where will I be? What will I be doing? How will my views have expanded?

Between, if you are in a position where you need to return to work, you will absolutely have those issues eg lack of employment history, relevant skills etc.

And you cannot say with 100% certainty you will never need to work again.

As you know, life is what happens while you're making your plans, sadly.

chunderella

Many thanks, I am 48 and know that I'm paying something or was not long ago, voluntary I think.

There have been odd ocasions I have been paid by dh over the years and remember something about share fisherman, always made me laugh.

I am also a director now although still unpaid won't bore you with the details but suits us for now and limited funds available tbh.
You are right though I should check it out.

I have to say, I'm surprised you have been a teacher. Something doesn't sound quite right but I can't put my finger on it.

The best of my DCs teachers have been motivated, enthusiastic, engaged and informed, and by your own admission, you aren't.

Well yes but - if we are all decided I am not to be a teacher as I am terrible at it - and retraining isn't an option - and can't think of anything I'd like to do that I could just do (if you see what I mean?) then I suppose it doesn't seem to leave many options.

Of course I'm absolutely not saying I will definitely never work again; it's just a possibility if that makes sense.

YesIDid do you want photos of my PGCE certificate or something? Weird comment.

If it suits both you and your DH, and if you can afford it as a family, then I think it's entirely fair enough. You don't sound particularly entitled to me, perhaps just not very ambitious. And that isn't a crime.

Personally, I would hate the kind of life you describe. It might be ok while children were at home, but I saw how empty my mum's life was after we left home, and I know how much she regretted not having a career and a "purpose" beyond the family. Not for me at all, but I guess it might suit some.

Either way, you do need to be more knowledgeable about your financial situation. But I think you know that anyway.

Yes I agree. I think because I really don't know a lot I don't like asking, as it exposes my own lack of knowledge.

Ragwort for now, no. I was going to find out about being a Silverline volunteer, but I've been told today I need another major operation so it wouldn't be fair to start ringing a lonely old person regularly, then stopping again.

YesIDidMean I think you're talking about Silverline too. That's the thing with me, I can't say I will volunteer on any day of the week because I never know if I will be well enough to be out of bed! It's very hard, I don't think you ever get used to it.

Why do you care what other people think? I'm the opposite - working professional mother in a social group where all DHs are v highly paid and I'm the only working mum. We could afford for me not to work but I love my job, trained for many years to qualify, and I think it sets a very positive example for DC to see Mum and Dad equally sharing parenting/working roles. I want my DD to grow up knowing that women can do any job they like. I don't care if anyone thinks I shouldn't be working - DH and I know what's best for our family and that's what we do. If you think bring a sahm is best for your family why would you care what anyone else thinks?

This may nor be relevant to you at all OP but you might want to check that your dh shares your view. I am the higher earner in our family and we could afford for dh to stop work but I would absolutely hate it if he did. Knowing that we share the financial burden of keeping the family going is very important to me and knowing he understands my work stresses helps me deal with them - and whilst he would still be the same person if he didn't work he would lose touch and I think we would risk drifting apart. Not least because whilst we are sharing domestic responsibilities neither of us can entirely prioritise our careers - both of which would happily absorb every waking hour if we weren't careful.

*A husband is more likely to be badly behaved if the wife is totally dependent on him.

She will be more likely to tolerate bad behaviour because the consequences of rocking the boat are so severe for her.

He is more likely, over time, to see the purpose of her life to be to make his life easy. The whole set up encourages him to put his needs first and her to put herself last. Selfishness grows, unfairness grows, unhappiness follows.*

This with bells on.

Everyone thinks divorce won't happen to them.....

I dont think theres anything wrong with not working, if you are in a secure marriage then you should do what is right for your family. Sometimes it adds more stress to a family/marriage with 2 working parents + childcare + work baggage. Than one working parent + 1 stay at home parent, who can balance each other out. I think you are getting bad responses due to people being jealous which is not kind in my book. Im a stay at home mum. Me and my husband decided on the way we wanted to raise our family and having one of us at home was always the chosen direction we wanted to take. Obviously when you are comfortable and family life ticks on quite nicely without you needing to work then why change it later on. You might fancy a change but if you dont need to work then dont! I might work later on, or I might not. Perhaps il devote myself to caring for my father in law or my parents who will be old when my children are grown. So they dont have to go into a home. Who knows.

DH definitely doesn't want me to work; we has a couple of arguments about it before I had dd.