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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about never working again ...

476 replies

betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:18

I worked from being 22 to 28 (teacher.)

I was posting on the thread about being a SAHM and it occurred to me I can't really see a future where I'd work again.

Has anyone else spent most or all of their adult life not working?

Just wondering. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

OP posts:
Themirrorcracked · 22/01/2015 12:57

op

I totally understand your point.

I don't have a job. I'm a Sahm at the moment, but didn't work for years before having my baby, I was a student sometimes, or a 'housewife'.

Definitely isn't the norm at my age I don't think (late 20's) but it suits us.

I won't ever work unless it becomes financially necessary, and I don't get bored/lack identity/get lonely at all. I hate working.

You are in a better situation than me if you have independent wealth, I dont (except somewhere free to live), but it's probably still a good idea to sort out the 'what ifs'...

Eg, if my DW dies there is life insurance to cover 10 years at our current income, and we will be adding a salary protection to this soon to cover some time if she is made redundant.

My state pension contributions are being paid and my DW has a pension too. I will take out a private pension in the next couple of years.

Get life insurance. It doesn't cost us much but it gives some peace of mind.

fedupbutfine · 22/01/2015 13:06

Get life insurance. It doesn't cost us much but it gives some peace of mind'

Life insurance won't cover being left for a younger model with no means by which to pay the mortgage or feed your children. And please don't assume that the Law will step in and sort it for you because it's slow and clunky, takes months and even then, can be ignored again and again and again. You're a single mum on benefits overnight and believe me, your friends, family and vague acquaintances will have a lot to say about it.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 22/01/2015 13:10

We don't have a mortgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 22/01/2015 13:10

And I wouldn't need to claim benefits.

OP posts:
Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 22/01/2015 13:11

And I don't have any family.

As we were ...

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 22/01/2015 13:14

Very interesting perspectives on this thread.

I have not worked for the last year because I am unwell. I am entirely supported by DH.

Our bargain is this: I am using the time to write a book, which will appear with both of our names on the cover even though it's almost all my work. The book will help DH to get on in his career, which will bring in more money, compensating for my not working.

I hope to go on to write more books and in this way to become employable in a new area when I am well again. Eventually, my name will be the only one on the cover.

I realise that this might seem a foolhardy strategy. But it is allowing me to do something with my life that I am absolutely desperate to do and couldn't find time for in any other way.

Themirrorcracked · 22/01/2015 13:35

Sorry op,

Posted before I read the whole thread.

Seems like I misunderstood your situation and feelings.

Themirrorcracked · 22/01/2015 13:40

fedup

We also do not have a mortgage.

And in the unlikely event my wife left me I would continue not to have a mortgage and my wife would continue to support her child.

And I have qualifications etc that mean I could walk into work that would cover us until I sorted things out.

bettyboop1970 · 22/01/2015 13:49

Are you bored and isolated? Perhaps in time you can volunteer.
I have to work, I love my job, but not the hours (nights).

ilovesooty · 22/01/2015 15:20

As I said, if the OP were really happy in this decision she wouldn't be asking.
There are women here who have sat down with their husbands and there has been a joint decision that they stay at home.
There are women here who value the flexibility of SAH and are using their time to develop their interests, and are fulfilled, stimulated and happy.
I wouldn't want to be in their position as I love my job but we are all different.
But they had input and responsibility for that decision. They are married to supportive men not controlling ones. They are confident women whose self esteem is alive and vital. They haven't been reduced to passivity and a situation where they not only don't know what to do, they think they'd be rubbish at anything and in any case their husband won't support anything which might give their wife a modicum or spark of self belief back.
Your baby is young now. I wouldn't mind betting that when she's in school by that time your husband will have ensured beyond any point of return that you'll spend your life doing what he says while he does as he pleases. I think it's sad to see a life of potential seemingly reduced to a hollow shell.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 22/01/2015 15:52

Ouch.

OP posts:
Yarp · 22/01/2015 19:39

OP

You do sound flat, and saying you are on ADs makes sense now.

As I mentioned before, I chose the wrong career, something I'd trained a long time for. I didn't stick at it, left, did something interim, then had DCs and didn't do paid work for nearly 10 years.

My confidence was low. I did not see myself as someone who would ever enjoy or be good at a job.

Voluntary work changed everything for me. I learned new skills, a new workplace, and was supported. It eventually led to a job.

You can volunteer to do so many interesting fun things

The website do-it.org is really good.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 22/01/2015 20:22

Yark; at the risk of taking another kicking I just can't imagine myself doing anything.

A trip to the garage for some chocolate is about as much as I can manage just now. I don't want to see people and I don't want to be seen.

OP posts:
Yarp · 22/01/2015 21:23

I understand

Zanzibaragain · 22/01/2015 21:26

I have been a Sahm for the last 11 years and I loved it.
But now the dc are at high school, family life has moved on and left me behind.
Yes I volunteer, but I am bored now. The regular routine of playgroups, after school clubs has changed, even the house and garden need me less.
Dh works long long hours and yes I support him and make his life easier but hes not a child, and he is tired of the commute, tired of the long hours.
In the last year I have flipped from never wanting to work again to realising my dc will have left home in the blink of an eye and DH worked into an early grave.
So this year I am retraining , in a few years time I can cover the bills ( if only the bare basics ) and give dh the time to do what he wants, and maybe in the future travel, and work abroad.
Never say never, life keeps on moving.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 22/01/2015 21:34

Thanks, yarp; hopefully I'll feel better and like tackling something before dd starts school!

OP posts:
Fishandjam · 22/01/2015 22:44

Take things gently OP. Sort out the bastard PND and then see how you feel. There's really good support on the mental health boards if you need to unload - lots of us have been there with postnatal black dog.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 22/01/2015 22:55

I had it with DS, it's bloody horrible isn't it!?

Makes me feel like I want to jump into a well, baby and all.

OP posts:
Ifyoubuildittheywillcome · 23/01/2015 00:02

OP, I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself by trying to work out what you want to do or should be doing.
You have a lot going on, a DS, a young baby, no family support and PND. Don't think about what you used to do and don't think about what you might do in the future. Take each day as it comes and make sure you get support, whether it's here on boards as others have suggested or in RL from friends or health visitor. Be kind to yourself and remember it is your life and the only people you need to consider when asking it something is the right decision are yourself, your dcs and your DH.

Best of luck.

ilovesooty · 23/01/2015 00:06

Her husband? After what you've read here? Seriously?

Ifyoubuildittheywillcome · 23/01/2015 00:30

Sooty keep your pants on. The OP has to consider her DH because the fact is he's part of her family but it sure as heck doesn't mean she should let him run her life if it isn't what she wants for herself.

ilovesooty · 23/01/2015 00:50

I think we'll have to accept we read things differently.
I wouldn't be so rude as to tell someone to keep their pants on over a difference of interpretation.

Altinkum · 23/01/2015 05:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yarp · 23/01/2015 07:12

I agree

I could not see a future for myself at one point

Depression is a bastard, and it is a bastard because it tricks you into believing that the way it makes you feel is what you are

Metalgoddess · 23/01/2015 20:52

If you don't want to work and can afford not to, why would you? What's the point of doing something you don't want to do for years/decades of your life just in case your dh leaves you etc. Not everything in life can be planned for, you have property and no mortgage so seem to be in a good financial position should something go wrong. I would love to not work and wouldn't do if my dh earned more money. I work 2 days per week to give us disposable income. I just asked my dh what would he think if I gave up work and chose to never work again, he said that it would be fine if it made me happy but that he would try and find a better paying job!