To ask about never working again ...

[betweenmarchandmay]

I worked from being 22 to 28 (teacher.)

I was posting on the thread about being a SAHM and it occurred to me I can't really see a future where I'd work again.

Has anyone else spent most or all of their adult life not working?

Just wondering. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

When my first was born I couldn't imagine leaving him snd planned to be a SAHM. I had the best time and couldn't imagine ever working again. Reality hit and I needed some money so went bsck to work part time. 12 years and 2 more children later I'm still working part time, having started a new career I have found that I'm quite good at it but I have no intention whatsoever of ever working more than my current 2.5 days a week. I truly don't need to work, my incomes doesn't even make a dent into our family finances but working is what gives me purpose, keeps my depression at bay and gives me the knowledge that if I needed to I could pay the bills. My husband would far prefer that I didn't work, it would be less hassle for him as I wouldn't need him to help me out but he utterly respects my decision and he knows that it's the right thing for me, if not for his diary. I still have plenty of time for the children and 2 full days a week to be a lady who lunches. The moral of my post is to take each day as it comes.

Why not just live every day as it comes for a bit?

There is nowt wrong with being a country housewife if that is what you want! I was one for 10 years and made friends with lots of others who were too. Oh the joys of mucking out on frosty autumn mornings, when the rest of the world was commuting.

Then one day I decided that I wanted to return to my previous career and did.

One day I might quit and become a housewife again, who knows!!

Good luck to you.

I don't know. I don't understand myself - don't expect others to. :)

Never say never Op. You are very young. You haven't been out of work long. I am currently a SAHM, but have recently started some volunteer work. It might lead to something else. At least it gives you experience and confidence, and you might find something you really enjoy. Writing off your whole life so young is a bit drastic. If we're all going to be living longer and not getting pensions till we're 70 (if at all), it's a long time to decide you'll never work again. I don't know what I will be doing next year, let alone in 10 - 20 years time. Many things can happen and life changes quickly. I couldn't imagine never working again.

You need hobbies,

I became the female equivalent of Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall, grew our veg, made jam and pickles, did enough finger painting with the kids to fill Tate modern. I have fond memories, the kids still talk about what we got up to and I know pretty much everyone in our village!

What are your interests?

I am a similar age to you OP and went back to a job I didn't love. It's not my dream career, But earning the wage has given me options: now I am going to enrol in a course which should help me get to a career I think will be a better fit for me (i.e. the one I used to dream about); I have a wardrobe of lovely clothes as a professional necessity; my daughter sees me going to work and realises that that's, wel, what most women do these days.

TBH you sound a bit depressed and I hope you don't put any pressure on yourself just now; you have a young baby. x

(Admit to being WELL JELL btw. In your position, I'd have the kids on strict nap schedules and write short stories and poetry while they slept, instead of jotting down doggerel at 11pm after getting home from work... Tbh though I'd still want to work because baking, gardening and the other things you list are just activities, stuff to enjoy (or not) at the weekend. It doesn't add up to a life, really, does it? Not trying to make you feel bad; hope I haven't.)

Why doesn't it add up to a life? It's just as valid as a life slaving for an employer, especially in a job you don't particularly want to do.

not, if the Op is happy then that's fine, but she doesn't sound happy. She sounds unfulfilled. She doesn't have to do a job she doesn't like. It's about finding something that she enjoys and helps her feel contented and more worthwhile.

Op, I know you don't want to go back into a classroom to teach but have you considered other types of work that you could manage on a part time basis using your PGCE such as tutoring?

I am a confirmed slacker, I hate working and always have done, I've never had a vocation but I have always and will always do some type of work because when I don't I just feel isolated and useless. Unless you have something to fill your days with, not working can grind you down as much as working can. I have a friend who can't work due to health reasons and she warned me of when I was a sahm.

I'd agree with the last post on not working being potentially as depressing as working. Don't know if you've read The Feminine Mystique OP, it does come up on some English courses though not by any means all, but that's exactly what it deals with - Friedan calls it 'the problem with no name'.
Now you've said you are depressed this makes a bit more sense. The question is whether working would help you feel more anchored or whether some other non-work activity would do that. As others have said, your youngest is only tiny yet so there's no immediate rush, but as has also been said, you've got a lot of life ahead of you yet.

But one day you'll drop down the Fiddlers Elbow in May, or get the front slot on the Woolwich ferry, and it'll all be worthwhile

What does that mean?

OP, I really understand what you are saying and relate to it. I consider myself a bit 'aimless' too, I was clever and found exams easy so I went to university because it was expected, did a PGCE because I had to do something and now I'm in the same job you mention. Not a vocation, but I've always been good at it and been successful, though ultimately I have always viewed work as the means to an end.

People saying that work is a source of self esteem aren't considering the flipside, which is how work can utterly destroy your self esteem and sense of who you are. High stress, unmanageable workload, exhaustion. I used to regard my job as benign, now I've returned from maternity leave with what was a relatively mild case of PND which has now spiralled into a much darker, more severe depression. It's the grind, the pressure, the relentlessly exhausting juggling of responsibilities. I'm up now, have been up since 4am consumed with anxiety. The night before, I was up all night. Work can ruin your life, it isn't the cure-all that some people are suggesting.

Which isn't to say that I agree you should just decide to never get a job again. But you've experienced a severe illness, take time to recover without stressing about what may happen in the next few decades. Think about the kind of things you'd like to do, without turning it into the pressure of choosing a career. People have raised important reasons to work - independence and security later in life for example. If I were in your position, I'd take time to focus on my recovery and take it one step at a time. You may well come to paid work again but there is no need to agonise about it just now.

Depression can definitely be exacerbated by not working, I'm sure, but ime work can make it considerably worse as well. If you're not someone with a particular drive and attachment to a job in the first place, then it's not the place to seek out validation and self-worth. Maybe you will find a job that provides that, at some point. But right now, why not find the things that you enjoy and want to do, without pressure? By not working now, you aren't deciding to never work again.

The Fiddlers Elbow is the descent to the Wye at Monmouth: very scenic from the cab. The front slot on the ferry ensures you you get a panoramic view up the Thames like this:

I was a sahm most of the time. What is missing is the camaraderie of the work place, working together with colleagues to achieve something, the knowledge that you did a really job on any day and the happy feeling that gives you.

My DH worked away a lot, no family near, so working was a hassle and a worry (if DCs were ill).But if I'd really enjoyed my job and been good at it I would prob have found a way to get back to it.

I would start with volunteering for any thing and everything which might give you an idea of what you would really want to do. Babysteps.

Disgrace, I use the Woolwich ferry as part of my daily cycle commute. The view is amazing!

OP I think you are a bit depressed. It sounds like circumstances not choice has shaped your current situation which I think is key. Did you really need to move into this house? Would it be better to rent/sell it and move back to where you were?

disgrace, that actually sounds like my ideal job. I love my own company and enjoy visiting new places (including industrial estates!) Maybe when the kids are older and I can be out of the house longer.

No I wanted to move here.

It is very, very, very risky not to have a financial back up plan. Whether its independent financial investments, family money, property in your sole name, whatever.

It's not an easy job market out there, even low paid jobs can be hard to come by and employers favour those who can drop everything to do unplanned overtime/shifts over single parents with childcare constraints.

My cousin had a very hard 10 years of bringing up two children alone and without a job. The only thing that saved her was money from her parents. Happy to say she now has a good job and is financially secure but that 10 yrs was tough on her and the kids.

OP, as an ex teacher you have so many skills to sell. I think teaching is a really tough profession especially with a family, but how many non-teachers have such a proven track record of the organisation, planning, self discipline & dedication, and ability to manage, engage and impart knowledge & skills to 30 children simultaneously. You'd be very sought after in a range of child-related professions, and you have skills to sell more widely than that too. Enjoy your baby for now but please don't write yourself off. It is hard juggling work and home - I don't feel on top of things working PT, I am constantly chasing my tail - but as others say, work is great for mental health outcomes in the long term, even if it's not fun day to day.

Some of us have structural reasons that make it difficult to go out to work, but the line between it being impossible, or a challenge that can be overcome, is a fuzzy one. And it'll change as your children grow up. Never say never.

You are probably not in the best position to make long term decisions right now. You are dealing with PND and a baby. Take some time to recover and then reassess how you feel. Its not your DH's choice whether or not you work - it has to be something you are both comfortable with.

You will already have a lot of transferable skills so you might not need to retrain.

It sounds like this thread is about something completely different now. You have PND, a very young baby and a husband who ' doesn't want you to work or retrain'. That sounds alarming to me. What doe he mean? Does he not even want you to do a bit of private tuition in the evenings, or even for 6th formers while the kids are at school? Or even retrain as a cake maker and make overpriced cupcakes for people if you so wish? Working stops me from drifting around from one thing to another with no deadlines apart from picking kids up from school. It does give me a purpose and the ability to earn my own money does give me pride and security. I think if you have a tendency towards depression, saying you are never going to work again may end up in you being depressed again and trapped. All women in the 1950's weren't happily washing nappies and cooking homecooked meals. Many of them were depressed, frustrated and on medication. I probably would have been one of them.