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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about never working again ...

476 replies

betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:18

I worked from being 22 to 28 (teacher.)

I was posting on the thread about being a SAHM and it occurred to me I can't really see a future where I'd work again.

Has anyone else spent most or all of their adult life not working?

Just wondering. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 21/01/2015 21:41

I've said this several times before, but it's worth repeating: if you can save up 2-3k for the training, get an HGV licence. You can earn 20k in most urban areas without breaking a sweat, and as long as you're reasonably fit there's little a woman can't do that a man can. Well, pee in a layby actually.
The industry needs drivers, and by God it needs female ones. As it doesn't employ under-25s because the insurance is too high, they will take anyone they can get.
I won't sugarcoat it; you'll need a thick skin in the early days. Some of the old sweats will have to be told to fuck off a few times, and don't ever talk to a manager without your phone on record.
But one day you'll drop down the Fiddlers Elbow in May, or get the front slot on the Woolwich ferry, and it'll all be worthwhile.

Jackieharris · 21/01/2015 21:41

I ended up having several years out of work which I never would have envisaged happening. I was/am ambitious but I suffered particularly badly from the crash & austerity. There was redundancy, unemployment then disability so by the time I was fit for work again I had to redo all my tertiary education which took several years.

I think once you've had a long break people underestimate how hard it is to get back into employment.

As an aside there is lots of work which is useful and enhances society but isn't valued because it is unpaid. Where would our charities be without their army of volunteers? Unpaid carers save our economy billions. Lots of jobs which pay money do more harm than good to wider society. I don't think we should be valuing them more than the op's childcare work.

Pension provision is a big issue though. Lots of women don't get the full state pension because they don't make enough years of contributions. If you don't put it it won't pay out.

Anyone in the op's situation should research this thoroughly.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 21:43

Surly no - you WANTED to read my posts as arrogant. Not sure why Confused

OP posts:
Snapespotions · 21/01/2015 21:46

OP, you mentioned that you ended up as a sahp more by accident than design. What happened exactly?

Also, you talked about frequent feelings of inadequacy. Can I ask if you have always felt like that, or if it's a more recent thing?

Chunderella · 21/01/2015 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bobbyjoe · 21/01/2015 21:51

Could you be depressed? Sometimes that can make you apathetic. Your DD is only young. You don't need to make any decisions for a while. Just keep an eye on job websites from time to time maybe - something might grab your eye. If you do feel it could be depression please speak to a doctor.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 21:51

Snapes - my dad died and I inherited his house, our house now. Because it's big with land we moved into it which necessitated a change of location and so I gave up work to move and never went back Blush

I need to say with the rental income that I charge below market rate and am a very lovely landlady.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 21/01/2015 21:52

No they did come across as arrogant.

bobbyjoe · 21/01/2015 21:53

I like YChromosone's advice about HGV licence. I might do that myself in the future when kids left home :)

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 21:56

In your opinion surly. My opinion is you come across as loud, ill-mannered, nasal and supremely irritating.

I just have the good manners to not go on about it.

OP posts:
soundedbetterinmyhead · 21/01/2015 22:04

DisgraceToTheYChromosome - yes! my dad always told me and my brother to get an HGV licence (neither of us did!) as we would never be unemployed and I've never ruled it out.

Incidently, my grandad's career advice was always to a) pay attention in maths so you could score at darts (scorers never buy their own beer); and b) learn the piano so you can count on a hot meal a day from the bar.

Sorry about the derail, but you made me think of it!

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 22:08

Well, I can play the piano although maths always went over my head a bit!

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 21/01/2015 22:10

Loud and nasal Confused you can hear me? Shock

Anyway, distract yourself from the real issue if you must, it has no bearing on me. I was offering advice but youre not open to hearing it. Relationships board might be a good place for you right now.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 21/01/2015 22:10

Op, I don't think, in the midst of PND, taking AD's this is the time for making any big decision. I also wonder if you feel down as you didn't actually have a choice to go back to work as you know you wouldn't be supported to do so. Ironically enough, working out of the home is associated with less depression for many women (the stats tell us)- I think perhaps staying at home, not really loving it but not having the support to make the change, is dragging you down. You sound low and underconfident about your abilities.

A 9 month old IS a job, so for now, I think concentrate on getting your mood better, I hope the AD's work, perhaps go out with other mums/socialise and at some point, when you are feeling a bit stronger, perhaps revisit this topic and explore with your husband why he doesn't want you to work. I really think either doing voluntary work or evening work or any work would benefit you if you are feeling a bit trapped and it might be that he just has to accept that if he wants a happier wife, this is what is going to happen.

Seasickstill · 21/01/2015 22:10

kaykayred I am a full time teacher. LP to 2 under 7, one of whom has AN. Please don't labour under the pretence that teachers have it 'easy' with 'all those holidays'.
You clearly have no idea of the workload that a good teacher has (and yes, I am rated 'outstanding' by the nonsense that is ofsted).
I fully support SAHMs, goodness knows I would have loved to do that for my children. However it was not an option for me and it makes me cross when I am a) looked down on for all that I miss and b) judged for trying to further my career. If I cannot stay home with my children then the best I can do is send them to the best child care providers that I can and do my damnedest by them when I am at home.

Bowlersarm · 21/01/2015 22:12

Do you feel trapped, OP?

It's not how I've been reading your posts.

Seasickstill · 21/01/2015 22:16

I also meant to add that I fully support the SAHMs who then 'retire' when their children are grown. It is a hard, admirable and very 'risky' job these days. As has been mentioned up thread, many marriages do not survive these days. Therefore those who look after their children at home are at even greater risk of being left with no financial security after all they have done for their family.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 22:16

You have been very lovely to me napoleon :)

It is difficult as I don't worry so much about the not working aspect: I haven't been in a classroom for three and a half years and I honestly can't imagine going back into one. I was initially busy with just - don't know really. I had DS younger than most of my peers - I was 25 which I know isn't a gymslip mum but younger than most. I had the most awful post partum depression - psychosis really - and it seemed to take something not only from by ability to be a mum but also from me.

Dd is getting bigger and those old questions of what am I doing and where am I going reemerge and I can't see myself doing anything much. Too scared I suppose. So am I going to be a country housewife then aged 33?

I just don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 22:17

I don't know how I feel bowlers to tell you the truth. I feel like I should care about that but I don't.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 21/01/2015 22:23

Hmm, not sure what to advise then. I love being at home, although I was older than you when I stopped working.

Maybe you should read this thread a few times over the next few weeks and you may get some angles to look you havent yet considered. I think you should talk it through with your friends and others in RL too.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 22:24

Yes possibly. It is difficult to describe as I am okay with not working.

I think, musing over it, perhaps it's more fear of the future that's playing on my mind a bit. Lacklustre and passive are two words that have resonated with me.

OP posts:
Flomple · 21/01/2015 22:24

Stillenacht that sounds incredibly difficult.

OP don't write yourself or your future career(s) off just yet! You have years ahead of you. When your baby is 12 you'll be a different person in many ways. I firmly believe that my primary children need me around more now than when they were preschoolers, but I really struggle to imagine 15 year olds needing a SAHM. I accept that I won't really know until I have a 15 year old.

What sticks in my mind is one of the mums on Child of our Time. Quite a posh family in Yorkshire I think, and her son William(?) was an amazing tennis player. She cried on camera, mourning the career she could have had (accountancy IIRC) but gave up to be a SAHM. She really resented her DH saying she shouldn't work. I think her youngest DC3 was about 10 at the time. But I know that in her position, I'd have considered myself the lucky one getting to stay home when my DC were small.

purpleponcho · 21/01/2015 22:27

Work, retrain, do something!

You are leaving yourself quite vulnerable.

I loved the story about the woman who retrained as an accountant at 48 and is now enjoying the fruits of her labours with her husband. Marvellous.

notauniquename · 21/01/2015 22:31

If your DP is happy to support you, and if their income alone would allow you to have a comfortable lifestyle. then why shouldn't you?

ZombieApocalypse · 21/01/2015 22:36

I am in my 40s with no DC and have worked since I was 16. Even if I wasn't working in my current job (career, specialised, very well paid), I'd want to do something. To be honest, I find the idea of not working a bit alien and I don't think I'd like it.

But then, me having a career is part of my identity and I made it a point when I was much younger to not be financially dependent on a man.

If people want to not work and stay at home, that's fine, I'm not at all judgemental. But I guess I've just seen too many threads here where a woman has given up her career, her independence, any decent earning capability and sometimes even any financial autonomy to be a SAHM and I just think there is literally nothing that would make me want to be in such a precarious position. Especially when a lot of DPs/DH's seem to resent them not earning money and start picking over every penny spent.

I'm sorry if that sounds condemning of SAHMs, it's genuinely not meant to. I just can't imagine the rest of my life not having some sort of work in it.