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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask about never working again ...

476 replies

betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:18

I worked from being 22 to 28 (teacher.)

I was posting on the thread about being a SAHM and it occurred to me I can't really see a future where I'd work again.

Has anyone else spent most or all of their adult life not working?

Just wondering. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

OP posts:
Snapespotions · 21/01/2015 21:02

DH definitely doesn't want me to work; we has a couple of arguments about it before I had dd.

Well, I don't think there is anything wrong with not working per se, but this worries me. Why did you argue about it?

Your relationship doesn't sound very healthy tbh. He controls the finances, about which you're clueless, and he argues with you because he doesn't want you to work. Sounds very controlling to me...

Thenapoleonofcrime · 21/01/2015 21:02

I don't think there is any moral reason you should work, you have money independently, and you have worked already and know you don't like that type of work at least.

However, you do sound discontent with the decision, or rather, quite passive and hopeless in the face of it. Let's be honest, your husband is against you working, and now, with another small child (after the last one has just gone to school) the decision of what to do with your life is deferred- for now.

I don't say this to be mean, I have seen one of my very good friends struggle through exactly the same path recently, though, having never really had her career take off, not really like working after a few years, she was happy to hit on having children as her thing that would take her out of the workplace, and with a husband very adamant he liked her at home, everyone was happy- for quite a long time (she had several children). Now she is at home, bored, depressed, the children are all getting so independent and don't need her as much. She knows she wants to do something -but what? More time at the gym? Get the cleaner over more? Have more coffee mornings? All these things are fine, but don't really add up to a purpose, and I think this has left her open to an existential crisis tbh.

Now- if you said that you hated work, loved being at home, loved homemaking, it was your purpose- I would say go for it. But it seems something that has happened to you, almost by accident, and already your confidence that you could take a different path is eroding. That's a shame- remember you are only young, you do have a degree, there's so much you could offer in a few years time. Don't lose sight of that and start believing your husband's version of you.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 21/01/2015 21:04

I guess I'm a bit confused by the "can't retrain" thing as well. You say retraining takes time and effort - but surely once the kids are at secondary / left home you will have loads of time?

And is there real nothing you vaguely fancy as a career. I have loads of fantasy careers. Ok some are a little unrealistic (at 35 I'm probably a little mature to make it as an Olympic gymnast) but some sound really interesting and are my plan for if I ever get made redundant.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 21/01/2015 21:09

I'd be delirious with joy if I could afford to never have to work again. There are loads of things I'd do with my time and I'd love to enjoy these years whilst my children are young being at home with them.

I've just returned to work from my second maternity leave and my confidence and self esteem are in shreds. I get no fulfilment or sense of identity. I'm exhausted, stressed and feel like I'm making a hash of everything - my job, motherhood, running a house, organising my life in any way. It's shit. I'd feel much happier, calmer and peaceful as a SAHM, I'd be far more confident and I'd feel much better about myself. But we can't afford it. I can at least work part time and I really can't imagine working full time again.

Neither DH or I have much ambition and we'd give up work in a shot if we won the lottery. But we both are committed employees who work hard, we're not disengaged and apathetic at work. We just don't derive our fulfilment and happiness from our jobs.

For the sake of my mental and physical health, I wish I could give up work. However, even if we could live of DH's salary, I'd be wary wrt pensions. We're very aware that we'd like to retire one day and be able to actually enjoy some retirement years together if we're lucky enough so it would be important to me to make provision for the future.

Malabrig0 · 21/01/2015 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 21/01/2015 21:09

Did he suggest when you argued that you weren't really much good at work / would have little to offer to the workplace? Did he say there was no point / he earned plenty anyway / it would be disruptive?
Does he think you're incapable of managing finances?
If any of these seem familiar I'd suggest that a decision not to return to work in the longer term isn't really your choice as such but that you're being controlled.

stillenacht1 · 21/01/2015 21:13

I'm sort of the opposite.. Working as a teacher but DS2 has severe SN so in 7/8 yrs time when he gets to 19 I guess I will have to give up work to be his carer. Dreading it- not the thought of stopping teaching but the loss entirely of independence and also incomeHmm

betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 21:14

Yes but DH wouldn't want me to retrain.

Napoleon - not harsh, probably accurate.

OP posts:
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 21:15

Probably along those lines ils :( can't remember so well.

OP posts:
CrystalHaze · 21/01/2015 21:15

DH definitely doesn't want me to work; we has a couple of arguments about it before I had dd.

Why would he not want you to work? If, when the children were older, it was something you wanted to do, would he not support you in that decision? Or is it more a case that he would prefer you to be a SAHM while the children are young?

A man who preferred his wife not to work as and when the children had flown the nest would strike me as quite controlling and chauvinistic. Especially as you've said that the current situation sometimes makes you feel inadequate.

Does your husband perhaps feel threatened by your inheritance and that him being the breadwinner evens things up a bit?

Just trying to understand the dynamics here, I guess. But please, do learn more about the financial side of things - I know that your comment about being an English teacher not a maths teacher was probably flippant, but you really do need to know this stuff. You're weakening your position if you haven't got a grasp of your family's financial affairs.

ilovesooty · 21/01/2015 21:16

Why if you could afford to pay for it?
Because you might develop some drive and confidence?

bigbluestars · 21/01/2015 21:16

malabrigo- but that is between a couple to decide. I don't see "morals" need come into it.

My OH (like me) wanted our children to be cared for at home with a parent in the early years. I stopped work as he earns more than I do. He was very grateful for my career sacrifice and happy that his children were being nurtured in the way we wanted them to be.

Shoparoundthecorner · 21/01/2015 21:18

I also trained as a teacher (longer ago than the OP), am now a SAHM and can't imagine working again, or at least not for many years.

We are not on a high income by any means and for complicated financial reasons it is not worth me looking for any kind of work, in that we would lose a particular (non-state) benefit we have if I earn anything at all.

DH would struggle to do his job without me being at home, in that he is a vicar and a lot of what we do happens in our home and involves being hospitable. I also support a lot of people in various kinds of need, which involves me being available for them, and I do other jobs that need doing in the church, including training and mentoring. And I do lots of the day-to-day stuff for our four school-age children, although DH is a pretty hands-on father.

If something happened to DH I would probably have to work although we have life insurance in place. I hate the idea of having to go back to teaching, although I don't think my skills and training are being totally wasted in that lots of the things I do need those sort of skills.

Sometimes I miss having the status that comes with a job but mostly I can't imagine not being able to be involved with Dh's job - we see it as a joint project, rather than just his job (I know not all vicar's wives see it like that). And the thought of having to go to work is very unappealing - I like deciding what to do with my day and how to spend my time, which I do mostly for the good of other people rather than simply doing what pleases me.

I do find it tricky to defend why I don't use my very good undergraduate and postgraduate degrees, and feel that people make false assumptions about our household finances when they find out I don't work.

I guess I'm fortunate in being able to do something I find completely worthwhile and not be compelled to go out to work.

HerRoyalNotness · 21/01/2015 21:19

After a shitty 2014, during which I had 4 mths off, I didn't want to come back to work, yet here I am. I've not wanted to be a SAHM before, and still don't, but I just want to be at home.

However if you can't afford to do things, it would be shit. We would have little savings, wouldn't be able to afford holidays, or meeting friends for lunch, visiting family, pay pre-school fees, no college funds etc.... And I'd just love to be able to escape for a 3mth holiday over the summer with the boys', same with the winter and spring breaks. There would be no money for this. Go to all their school activities, and volunteer at school. Play golf or tennis. But without money, you just can't do it.

Dh and I earn similar base salaries and I know I could support us if he was out of commission, which is another reason to keep working. DH also wanted me to go back, so I didn't wallow in grief I suppose, and also he does get stressed when he is the only income earner. I've only ever not worked when I was on mat leave x2. I had an appraisal yesterday and my manager asked me what I want to do in my career. And I just don't care anymore, but waffled on a bit about how it's too soon for me to decide that just now.

If I were in your position OP, DH earning well, independant money, I would stay home. There is no shame in it. If that's what you want to do with your life, just do it.

SurlyCue · 21/01/2015 21:19

surly because retraining would involve well, retraining I suppose - time and commitment elsewhere.

Are you quite aware of just how long you could be alive for? You are what, 31? You could live that long 3 times over before popping your cloggs. 3/4 years retraining is drop in the ocean. I think you are being incredibly short sighted and i very much remember how lovely those baby days are and not really thinking anything could be better than them but babies grow up and away from mummy's arms. In 10 years time your DD will be ready for secondary school and you will still only be early forties. You could have half your life ahead of you.

betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 21:21

Ils - I think because the only thing I might be interested in would be completely incompatible with family life - would have to wait until dd was 14 or 15 due to DH's shifts.

And I would probably be crap at it.

OP posts:
Snapespotions · 21/01/2015 21:25

OP, I think you need some advice on your relationship. You sound miserable, and like you have no real say in how you live your own life. I would worry about anyone being dependent on a man who is so controlling.

I'm guessing you started this thread because you knew that your current situation wasn't right. :(

Snapespotions · 21/01/2015 21:26

What would you be interested in, OP? And why do you think you'd be crap at it?

betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 21:28

I'm on ads for PBS snape and think they might be making me sound a bit flat - sorry about that.

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 21/01/2015 21:32

Oh op you sound like you are in a rotten situation. Sounds like your confidence Is really low, I'd guess due to your husband.

He wouldn't want you to train, he wants you at home. Screw him.

What do YOU want?

Snapespotions · 21/01/2015 21:32

You don't need to apologise for anything, OP. But you do sound flat...and unhappy.

Ultimately, you don't have to tell anybody on here how you really feel about your life, but you should at least be honest with yourself. If you're genuinely happy with the prospect of never going back to work, then that's fine, and I hope it works out for you. However, I think you should reflect on whether this is really your wish or whether it is being driven by what your husband wants.

I also think you should reflect on why you have so little faith in your own abilities.

betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 21:36

Pnd not PBS :) lol. Don't know what PBS is!

I honestly truthfully don't know what I want. I imagine that's part of the problem.

For all people have slated my teaching on here I'm not sure I was that bad, but anyway I don't think I want to go back to it. Do I want to stay at home indefinitely? Not sure.

I would I suppose like to - I don't even know.

OP posts:
Snapespotions · 21/01/2015 21:37

You suggested earlier that there might be something that you were interested in, but you were afraid you would be crap at it. What was it that you were thinking of?

Chunderella · 21/01/2015 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyCue · 21/01/2015 21:40

Oh yes, having seen your later posts i can see this isnt really about not wanting to work at all. You feel you wont be allowed/able/supported to. I can see that earlier posts were probably bravado rather than arrogance as they came across. This is a choice that is being made for you isnt it OP?