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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think being sahm to 2 primary aged kids is the life of Reilly?

418 replies

Mummyusername · 21/01/2015 11:41

Just that really. My youngest will start school soon and Im imagining having the perfect combo of me time and then kids' hubbub after school.
Just wondering if I'm missing something though as when working I imagined having way more time on my hands when at home than I actually seem to have?

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/01/2015 10:02

Well, it is a lot of time. Thats why you "find ways to fill it"
Working and parenting, or having preschoolers, takes up all the time without having to fill it with creative interests.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/01/2015 10:04

Gardening?
Every day?

suboptimal · 23/01/2015 10:09

I have no great interest at all in whether or not someone chooses to be a SAHM. But presuming the kids are not high needs ie ill or SN and are in school I think dressing it up as "busy" or "stressful" is a bit hmmmm.....

Surreyblah · 23/01/2015 11:02

Of course SAHps with school age DC have way, way more time than families with two WOHPs. Can fill it in ways of your choosing. I could think of loads of great things would do if those things didn't have to bring in money Envy Downsides might be cash/security/Finding future employment if you want or need to/not having the positive aspects of work.

As for having the "gift of contentment" suspect I might discover that if could stop work!

The 20min lunch rule is from European working time regulations, which are mainly for health and safety purposes

SallyStarbuck · 23/01/2015 11:15

It's the whole "fill the day", "all the housework to do" argument that gets me.

All these things still need to be done even if both parents work out of the house.

Sure, the house is probably less messy as it's empty during the day.

But cooking, laundry, gardening, DIY, washing - all still needs to be done.

I couldn't be a SAHM to a pre-school child out of choice. I love my DC but it's just not me. I admire people who can stay at home with a couple of small children.

I could definitely be a SAHM to school age children. Hours and hours alone in the house every day.

I haven't been alone in my house for more than 2 hours in the past year...

ladydepp · 23/01/2015 11:16

suboptimal - who is dressing it up as busy or stressful to be a SAHM? All the SAHM's seem to be saying that it's very nice NOT to be so busy and stressful.

And I am sorry but full time WOHM's are not doing everything a SAHM does plus their jobs. It's just not possible - you would have to be in 2 places at once!! You may be keeping up with the housework and so on but I know lots of full time WOHM's and they cannot possibly go to all school assemblies, concerts, matches etc... plus help out with reading at school, bake cakes for the cake sales etc...I know, because as a SAHM I am very happy to cheer on their children at matches, read with their kids, bake cakes so they don't have to, pick their kids up for them when they have a late meeting etc...and most of them don't have the time or energy for most parents' social events either.

None of my (full time) WOHM friends would say that they do everything a SAHM does plus their jobs.....there are not enough hours in the day.

DarylDixonsDarlin · 23/01/2015 11:43

Strangechild in answer to your question, I didn't want to be a skivvy (and don't think of myself as one) when I was growing up, but I did want to be a mother and run a house, with a husband who went out to work...DH wanted the other part of it, to be a father, with the children's mother at home. So our set up works just fine.

We don't get any benefits besides Child Benefit, which I do spend exclusively on the children. We live in a smallish home which was new so didn't need work or decorating, and overall our lifestyle isn't particularly expensive. We've both had a small inheritance and made overpayments on the mortgage. We cant afford nor have any room for more DC, and tbh if we hadn't had the first inheritance to get us confortable in our home we probably couldn't have had the third. I worked between 7-12 hours a week until I had DC3, at which point we decided there was no fun in one or the other of us working every day (him weekdays, me weekends) as we didn't have much family time and it was a poor trade off for my minimum wage. Basically, our choices match our income and we have back ups and protection in place for disasters. The only thing we haven't planned for is divorce, but it wouldn't happen overnight and I don't feel that me not having a job is a major cause for concern in that respect.

My mother worked from home (sewing) when I was a child to contribute to the family income, I always assumed id be able to do something similar but I'm not crafty enough. I still don't know what I want to do for a living when my DC are all at school Confused

I don't thing your question was rude strangechild, but honestly this bit creates a culture that affects working women too, who still do more of the childcare, cleaning round the house etc than their husbands because that's 'women's work' innit? I find puzzling - it looks like you are holding SAHM responsible for some men's shitty attitudes towards women Confused

ImBatDog · 23/01/2015 12:10

my day goes like this.

5.30am dh gets up. 8yo SEN DS is also awake, i spend the next hour trying to keep him quiet to stop him disturbing 5yo DD and keeping him out of DH's wat while he's trying to get ready for work, quite often he ends up in my bed chatting to me about random whatever until i crack and give him the tablet so i can sleep.
6.30am dh goes to work, i let DS and DD go downstairs, try and go back to sleep, usually fail because they're arguing because DS is bouncing off the walls and the cat comes up to hide from them and sits on my bed shouting at me.
7.20 i get up, get dressed, sort their clothes out, go downstairs, do their breakfast, feed the cat, tidy up the mess they've made, have a wash, get them dressed, make their lunches, do my hair, do dd's hair, get shoes, hats, gloves, coats on.
8.30am we leave for school, i usually have to pick a friends ds up on the way.

8.45 get to school, take dd to her class, go to DS's class, make sure he's put his coat away, lunch box on the trolley, got his glasses on and his sensory chew around his neck. Have a quick conflab with the teacher about how he is that day/what kind of night he's had. I also touch base with the Senco.

9.10 get back home, have my own breakfast before starting on the daily housework. So laundry.. load in the washing machine, take the last load off the radiators and put it away. Clean out the cat litter, tidy up the morning chaos properly, wash the breakfast dishes (no dishwasher here), dry up put them away, take washing out of the machine, put it out on the radiators, then i hoover, make the beds.

Its usually about 11am by this point. From here on in my week diverges depending on the day.
Mon/Weds i sometimes have to take DS to therapy or drs appts or have TAC meetings at school, or i'm volunteering there, so i mix those up with doing the household jobs like cleaning the bathroom/kitchen or doing the bedrooms/changing the beds, hoovering the hall/stairs/landing. Admin...etc i will also nap to catch up on missed sleep if DS has had a bad night (sometimes i only get 3hrs sleep)
Tues/Thurs are my days i go help my mom, so i'm doing her housework, taking her shopping, walking her dog and generally keeping her company.
Friday i have to do my own shopping in the morning, in the afternoon i take DS swimming with his school as he needs 1-2-1 supervision which they can't provide, so i do it!

3pm, i leave to pick the kids up, usually pick friends son up too, check in with DS's teacher on his day... so i take friends son home, tell her about his day (he also has SEN), come home. Supervise the kids (i repeat, they fight constantly because of DS who is very hyped after the day and cant be left alone or he gets destructive)
prep dinner.

5pm DH comes home, i cook dinner, feed the cat and DH showers and we tag-team keeping an eye on DS, we eat, we clear up, we get 30 mins to sit and relax

7pm bedtime routine starts.. takes anything up to 45 mins depending on how quickly DS will settle. i come downstairs and tidy up the last two hours child chaos, put clothes in the wash basket...etc

8pm onwards, relaxing between putting DS back to bed as he gets up at least 3 or 4 times a night.

1am i call it quits and go to bed.. and i usually get disturbed at least 2-3 more times by DS or DD over the night. DH tries to help, but DS insists on it being me or he has a meltdown.

To be honest, i dont have time for a job!! If any of you WOHM are doing all of that on top of a FT job, i salute you!!

MrsSchadenfreude · 23/01/2015 12:10

"You need to find something that keeps you occupied."

Are you living, or existing? You need to find something that you enjoy doing if you are not WOHM. Not something that just fills the emptiness of the day.

I don't think SAHMs are in any way responsible for some men's shitty attitude towards women, but I do think that some SAHMs enable this attitude to persist. I have met plenty of men through work who say quite blatantly that "No wife of mine would ever work. I want to come home to a clean house and dinner on the table, and have them listen to me, not go on about their shitty day at work." While the wife simpers and giggles at his side.

Baddz · 23/01/2015 12:14

Yep.
You are right op.
It a piece of piss.
That's what you want to hear isn't it?

It dismays me how often these threads pop on on mn.

:(

fromparistoberlin73 · 23/01/2015 12:17

Ladydepp raises a good point with schools

I do appreciate the shams that bake cakes , attend trips and help out

I can't do it all and work full time so am grateful to those that so as it does make for a nicer culture at school

Today I started my campaign for flex work/working from home

This threads made me think I need to take better care of myself !!

RufusTheReindeer · 23/01/2015 12:20

mrs

I could say the same, when I worked I worked with two women who would go shopping for fresh veg during their lunch break so DH could have his fresh home cooked meal waiting for him. They did all the housework as well

I did not tell my DH this obviously....didn't want him to get ideas!!

fromparistoberlin73 · 23/01/2015 12:21

Schadenfreude ! Where do you live and work as I believe all you say but I. Am just not seeing it to the same extent

That said . My brother is banker and so are his mates . Suspect what you refer to occurs in their cycle a bit .....

fredfredgeorgejnr · 23/01/2015 12:23

RufusTheReindeer Why not, he could've gone out to the shops at lunch too...

RufusTheReindeer · 23/01/2015 12:29
Grin
suboptimal · 23/01/2015 12:30

I know lots of full time WOHM's and they cannot possibly go to all school assemblies, concerts, matches etc... plus help out with reading at school, bake cakes for the cake sales

I think that's the point. They are lovely extras and its the lovely extras which the WOHP doesn't get to do. Unfortunately the tedious crappy drudgework is not the stuff that falls by the wayside if you work. Its the lovely things that you'd give your eye teeth for, like going to school assemblies.

FreudiansSlipper · 23/01/2015 12:38

i would be bored out of my mind

quite a few sahm's at ds school seem to make use of their time others hang around the schools gates too much

Baddz · 23/01/2015 12:44

God, Freudian, that last post was so fucking condescending....
"Make use of their time"
Because only work that is paid has any value?

alicemalice · 23/01/2015 12:48

Yeah let's not make this a battleground. This is the sanest discussion I've ever seen on MN about this subject.

FreudiansSlipper · 23/01/2015 12:49

why is it condescending a few do voluntary work and help out on the school pta

so they make use of their time Hmm

morethanpotatoprints · 23/01/2015 12:51

I don't think a wohp does what a sahp does and works too. I'm not sure anybody could prove or disprove this fact.
They obviously do housework, go to work and other domestic stuff, they may be able to make the odd school event either taking time off work or it fitting in on occasion, but to say its the same is a bit silly. So it would seem if looking at chores and responsibilities yes, they can be the same, but personally my life doesn't just consist of chores and responsibilities.
I can get up at 10am if I want to, everyday if I want to.
A wohp has very little flexibility to have fun, leisure, etc.

There is no way I could do what I do if I worked ft, or even pt.
Take my hat off to the super motivated disciplined and organised wohp.
I would be bored stiff.

RufusTheReindeer · 23/01/2015 12:51

When I was little and complained to my mum about being bored she would say "only boring people get bored" Grin

Having said that, although I think she would have been pleased that I stayed at home to start with, she would probably be quite annoyed that I'm still at home Sad

Or maybe not Smile she's dead so I've no way of knowing. I think mil believes I'm a lazy cow though Grin

RufusTheReindeer · 23/01/2015 12:52

Agree alice

IrianofWay · 23/01/2015 12:54

"I think that's the point. They are lovely extras and its the lovely extras which the WOHP doesn't get to do. Unfortunately the tedious crappy drudgework is not the stuff that falls by the wayside if you work. Its the lovely things that you'd give your eye teeth for, like going to school assemblies"

Yes! Exactly.

I have always worked and my eldest is now 18. I worked only 30 hrs a week for a few years after my third child was born apart from that always full-time. I managed quite a few concerts, assemblies etc over the years through frantic juggling, subterfuge (sneaking out for an hour when I was working from home) and just plain rushing about like a mad fule! But the crap work always has to get done - you have to make time for it.

I realised just how lovely life could be for everyone with a parent at home when I was on mat leave - everything just seemed to slot into place, home was peaceful and ordered. But sadly no matter how lovely it wasn't lovely enough to not be able to pay the mortgage

Sianilaa · 23/01/2015 12:55

I'd have to say that yes it was most definitely the life of Riley for me.

Just get into a little routine.

All bags and lunches packed, uniforms out the night before.
Up at 7, do breakfast and school run.
Home at 9, clear up breakfast things and empty/reload dishwasher. Stick a wash on. Quick tidy round, run the Hoover round. Til maybe 10.30 tops.
Tuesdays was bed stripping/duvet changing morning.
Thurs was online shopping delivery morning.
Fridays was bathroom cleaning morning.
School pick up at 3, homework, dinner, baths, TV time, story, bed for the kids around 7.

So every day from maybe 11/12 til school pick up was me time. Lunch with a friend, swim, watch a film. Was great!

And soon my DH cottoned on and now I'm back at work full time ;)

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