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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Engaged but DP doesn't want to tell anyone

128 replies

Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/01/2015 11:36

DP proposed on Christmas Eve. It was lovely and we had a wonderful Christmas. He still won't tell anyone though which really bothers me. We live together and have 2 young DC so it's not like it's going to be that much of a shock to anyone.

We talked last night and I asked him why he doesn't want to tell anyone. He's not ready yet, apparently. He hasn't told his older 2DS who live with us pretty much 50:50 at the moment. I feel like he's ashamed of me and it's exactly the same as when I was pregnant - I had to hide it until just before twenty weeks the first time as it was a surprise and he didn't want to upset his DC, same with my second pregnancy which was hidden until about 4.5 months which wasn't easy.

I don't know if I'm feeling so crappy about this situation because of previous experience of feeling he was ashamed of me or if I have a point in feeling upset.

I've told my family but I can't tell my sister as she would definitely mention it in front of his DCs. I feel a bit strange saying 'we're going to get married but don't mention it if DP's DCs are around - he's not ready for them to know about it yet...'

So am I being unreasonable to be feeling so crappy about this? I can't even look at him this morning and feel like saying if I'm that bad then why on earth are you with me? I just need the MN perspective on this.

OP posts:

letsplaynice · 17/01/2015 11:38

All sounds very odd does he really want to get married again? Presuming he was married before.

Original poster

Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/01/2015 11:39

He says he does. He seems really excited about it and suggests ideas and he wants to get married this year. I'm beginning to wonder if it is what he really wants though.

OP posts:

kewtogetin · 17/01/2015 11:45

Have you put any 'pressure' on him to get married? Or did his proposal come as a surprise? It all sounds very odd, if he isn't ready to tell people then he isn't ready to get married in my opinion, finding out you're pregnant and becoming engaged are surely two of the happiest occasions in anyone's life? You want to shout it from the rooftops not keep it hidden as though it's something to be ashamed of. I think he's being very controlling dictating when and with whom you can share information and massive alarm bells would be ringing for me.

MissBattleaxe · 17/01/2015 11:46

Why would it be a problem for his kids?

MissBattleaxe · 17/01/2015 11:48

Why did your pregnancies have to be so secret? Don't you get a say?

annielouisa · 17/01/2015 11:51

I am not sure whats going on here how are his DC with you? Does you DP feel like he has to walk on eggshells with them and his ex?

It maybe that he is not keen on getting married about is looking for a way out or he is scared of the DC reaction or that his ex will cause trouble between him and them

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/01/2015 11:51

YANBU to be upset about this. Ask him to tell his sons within the next two weeks and explain that you intend to go public after then.

HazleNutt · 17/01/2015 11:52

he does realise that DC will have to find out sooner or later, unless he wants to keep the marriage a secret too? And I would think it's less traumatic to be informed in advance and involved in the wedding plans, than to be told the night before?

Micah · 17/01/2015 11:53

is it possible he feels it's another step further from his kids? Not rational but the commitment to you might feel like a move towards you and the dc as a family unit, and kin of betraying his kids. Saying he's never going back to them permanently?

It's hard for nrp. Not all of them happily abandon kids from a previous relationship and move on to a new family.

How old are the kids? Could you talk to him about their role in the wedding. Bridesmaid/pageboy if young, maid of honour, best woman/best man if older. If they're involved and part of things it may help him and them feel more involved in your new family set up.

peutetre · 17/01/2015 11:55

I'm sorry but I don't think you can trust this man.

FightOrFlight · 17/01/2015 11:56

Sometimes people think that their DCs will react negatively and put off telling them as long as possible, typical avoidance tactics. Maybe he is worried that what should be a happy announcement will turn sour.

If the ex is the sort of person who will get upset and influence the children then that's another potential worry for him.

YANBU to be upset about it, I would be too. He should have thought about the impact that announcing/not announcing will have on his loved ones before proposing.

Original poster

Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/01/2015 11:57

I dont see why it would be a problem, I don't know why he feels he can't tell them. There have been difficulties with his ex in the past (long long story) but now things are better than ever. Nothing would change for the children- any of them. He said marrying me would be the last piece of the 'puzzle'.

I thought he was over shrouding everything in secrecy just in case it upsets the older DCs. They're good boys and so far haven't minded their dad moving in with me, or having 2 baby brothers. DP seems to build it up to be so big in his mind and when he does eventually tell them it's not an issue for them.

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 17/01/2015 12:00

I guess it's up to you how long you remain a second class citizen in his life. I would call his bluff and say he obviously doesn't really want to get married and in that case you cannot see the relationship progressing, shake him up a bit. You don't have to be treated like this.

GretnaGreen · 17/01/2015 12:02

I would tell him the engagement's off and he can try his luck again when he's ready to tell his kids and actually get married. I really would, OP. It's not an engagement if he's not really ready to tell people or get married.

Also he sounds very unreasonable. Making you keep a pregnancy secret for 4.5 months? Seriously? If you get pregnant again please tell him to do one and tell whoever you want whenever you want

MissBattleaxe · 17/01/2015 12:04

I think he's being ridiculous. If his kids had such a problem with you you would know by now and they probably wouldn't spend 50% of their time at your place.

He is not considering you in this. This is your news to share too. Kids hate being kept in the dark.

Stringing them along, and them knowing it was a secret for a while, will piss them off more and make them feel more excluded than if your stupid fiance told them straight away and showed you all a bit more respect into the bargain.

Original poster

Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/01/2015 12:11

I think that's what is more upsetting-that he thinks this will be traumatic for his DC (teenagers) when in reality nothing is going to change in their lives - there'll be a party and that's about it for them. We already live together as if we're married, they come here a lot and are relaxed and settled when they are here. I'm good enough to cook, clean, pick up after them etc but for some reason getting married to me is something DP is reluctant to tell them. I'm not that bad!

OP posts:

Original poster

Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/01/2015 12:18

It's not just his older DC though. It's anyone, he hasn't told anyone. He doesn't really want this does he? And he knows I'm upset about this, he knows I feel like he's ashamed of me but he's ignoring me as he thinks I'm putting pressure on him to tell people.

I think I know now.

OP posts:

pictish · 17/01/2015 12:25

It certainly sounds off to. It's not the mood you expect to be prevailing when it's a happy occasion. You're not supposed to feel bad about it.
Something is going on anyway. I wouldn't be at all comfortable with proceeding.

pictish · 17/01/2015 12:26

sounds off to me

googoodolly · 17/01/2015 12:27

DP was ringing his parents within about five minutes of proposing to me - he couldn't wait to tell everyone! I think it's so sad that your DP doesn't want to share this

So are you not wearing a ring so that people don't know? That's horrible. You need to tell him that if he doesn't tell people, you will. It's so unfair for you to have keep everything a secret - pregnancies until 12 weeks, fair enough, but after that it should be an exciting piece of news to share, not a secret you're hiding from everyone

for you OP.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2015 12:28

Well, you are not engaged at all then are you?

what with an engagement meant to mean a public declaration of a couple's plan to marry

odd bloke....secretive and sneaky

not sure why you even want to marry him, tbh

Catswiththumbs · 17/01/2015 12:28

I am in a similar boat (no pregnancy or children together though)

He proposed on my birthday, has talked a lot about getting married, both before and after he proposed. I've put no pressure on to get married at any point (obviously want to!) but he wants to keep it "secret", yet for me to still wear the ring.

It comes down to his son, he is scared about his reaction I think, doesn't want him to feel pushed out, doesn't want to cause problems with his ex- who knows!

We are seeing all his family in a few weeks, I want it out in the open then, to enjoy it!
There's never a good time to tell his son apparently.

It does leave you feeling awkward. I wonder why he actually asked

LadyLuck10 · 17/01/2015 12:29

Yanbu but really why are you carrying on being a fool. Why did you accept hiding your first pregnancy and then go on to have another accepting this. Now you have to hide your engagement too. I don't understand why you accept this. If anything a new child would be a bigger adjustment for his children not a marriage. Sorry but he's behaving ridiculously and you're just accepting it.

clam · 17/01/2015 12:29

Well, you're not really engaged then, are you? Being engaged is a statement to the world of intent to marry. He might intend to marry you, but he's not exactly stating it to the world, is he?

Very odd, and I would only draw one conclusion from it.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2015 12:33

Great minds, clam

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