Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Engaged but DP doesn't want to tell anyone

128 replies

Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/01/2015 11:36

DP proposed on Christmas Eve. It was lovely and we had a wonderful Christmas. He still won't tell anyone though which really bothers me. We live together and have 2 young DC so it's not like it's going to be that much of a shock to anyone.

We talked last night and I asked him why he doesn't want to tell anyone. He's not ready yet, apparently. He hasn't told his older 2DS who live with us pretty much 50:50 at the moment. I feel like he's ashamed of me and it's exactly the same as when I was pregnant - I had to hide it until just before twenty weeks the first time as it was a surprise and he didn't want to upset his DC, same with my second pregnancy which was hidden until about 4.5 months which wasn't easy.

I don't know if I'm feeling so crappy about this situation because of previous experience of feeling he was ashamed of me or if I have a point in feeling upset.

I've told my family but I can't tell my sister as she would definitely mention it in front of his DCs. I feel a bit strange saying 'we're going to get married but don't mention it if DP's DCs are around - he's not ready for them to know about it yet...'

So am I being unreasonable to be feeling so crappy about this? I can't even look at him this morning and feel like saying if I'm that bad then why on earth are you with me? I just need the MN perspective on this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/01/2015 15:12

I told him let's wait until he's ready to tell people because surely that's the point of being engaged? Anyway he said he wants me to be his fiancé, I can tell anyone I like but let them know he's dragging his heels about telling his DC so don't mention it if they're around and also don't put anything on facebook.

I'm so cross. I wanted to tell the world. Why doesn't he want to tell the world? I feel like it's ruined now, he said it's my own fault for not being patient basically because he will tell them at some point but he's not ready at the moment.

So here we are. I've said it's not good enough for me - propose to me when you do feel ready to tell people about it.

He's strung me along before. He had been saying for ages that he wanted to marry me but never actually proposed, and now he's proposed he still isn't ready.

So i don't know where to go from here at the moment. I didn't realise there could be conditions on a proposal.

OP posts:

LadyLuck10 · 17/01/2015 15:15

Scooby why is his other children more of a priority than your two DS? Did he afford his first wife the same by dragging her along? Why should his current children not deserve to have their parents married? I would be asking all those questions and be very, very angry about it.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/01/2015 15:16

He sounds peculiar and odd, with how he approached your pregnancy to the engagement. It sounds as though he is guilty about the split from the ex, mabey his ds had issues arising from that, he does not want to upset the apple cart. But you you cannot wait for the second coming. Give him a certain time when, if he does not, call the 'engagement' off and reevaluate your relationship.

pictish · 17/01/2015 15:18

he said it's my own fault for not being patient basically because he will tell them at some point but he's not ready at the moment

It most certainly is not your fault! If he's not ready to tell them, he's not ready to be engaged or get married.
I sure as hell couldn't be arsed with this shit.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/01/2015 15:21

Exactly, just read your update, he is very flaky and blaming it on you. Time to reevaluate your relationship.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2015 15:22

he's strung you along for ages already ?

Then why do you think anything might have changed ?

pictish · 17/01/2015 15:22

I can tell anyone I like but let them know he's dragging his heels about telling his DC so don't mention it if they're around and also don't put anything on facebook.

His enthusiasm is overwhelming

Postchildrenpregranny · 17/01/2015 15:31

I sometimes feel terribly old ,but I cannot understand why anyone would move in with, and then have children by, a man without discussing whether marriage was ever going to be part of the equation. Just saying...

paperlace · 17/01/2015 15:34

I don't see what else you can possible do other than give him an ultimatum. Tell your dc, family and friends or it's over.

Because otherwise you will be hiding pregnancies and engagements and God knows what else forever more.

It's not about the wedding or marriage as such but he's lack of commitment and respect towards you.

I'm interested in hearing why you think he's always been 'ashamed' of you. Why do you think that?

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 17/01/2015 15:52

This is just another carrot he's dangling.

He's strung you along for long enough about getting married. He had to do something just a bit more tangible this time so you got a 'proposal' and a fiancee card but no ring, and you can tell whoever you like, but you also have to tell them he's dragging his heels, don't put anything on Facebook, blah, blah, blah.

I can guarantee the time won't be right for him to tell his family for a good long while, and despite what he said about getting married this year it won't happen.

TartinaTiara · 17/01/2015 16:15

See, I can understand and respect a decision not to enter into a relationship because you think it would have a detrimental effect on the children you have. But that's not the situation here, is it? He chose to become involved in a relationship with you, to have children with you, but not to give you any status at all in that relationship, to the extent of asking you to keep your pregnancies secret.

This isn't about not upsetting his children; if it were, he wouldn't be with you in the first place. It's about him wanting someone to fuck him, feed him and wash his pants, without any effort on his side at all. In your shoes, OP, I'd be seriously considering whether you want to be with him at all, let alone being engaged to him. Which you're not, really. Secret engagements should be a plot device in bad novels, not an arrangement between two adults in the 21st century.

blueshoes · 17/01/2015 16:32

OP: You said: "He does want to marry me, thinks about it everyday and it's everything he wants."

Then later, you said: "He's strung me along before. He had been saying for ages that he wanted to marry me but never actually proposed, and now he's proposed he still isn't ready."

How did he go from cold to boiling hot having strung you along before. Do you really believe that he thinks about your engagement everyday and it is everything he wants after avoiding proposing for ages?

This man's words cannot be trusted. He is spinning you a yarn and you are falling for it. Go on what he does, not on what he says. I am not sure why you are prepared to live in the twilight with such a man and have 2 children with him which he does not seem to consider.

googoodolly · 17/01/2015 16:39

He sounds horrible, really. You propose to someone with "conditions". You don't order your partner around when it comes to telling people about pregnancies and big life events. If DP had said anything like that when he proposed he would probably have had his ring chucked at his head!

Why would you want to marry someone who has issues telling his own parents that he wants to be with you? I don't get it. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person? It doesn't sound like it would make you very happy.

Pensionerpeep · 17/01/2015 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hatespiders · 17/01/2015 17:37

Scoop you're unhappy and confused, disappointed and miserable. People who have just got engaged are in Cloud Cuckoo Land and floating on air with all the happiness and joy. They can't wait to tell everyone and even bore others rigid with their wedding plans, hopes and dreams. Neither you nor this man are anywhere near this are you? So something is very wrong. I think deep down you know this wedding will probably never happen and the 'engagement' is a tale to keep you slogging along at his side while it suits him.
Men like this spin any kind of rubbish to keep their woman quiet, then further down the line they leave. It's all over and they vanish. A few months afterwards they get engaged in a fanfare of trumpets to someone they met recently and fell for, and the wedding follows and they live happily ever after, while the poor soul who 'waited patiently' for years for him to commit sits with her head in her hands, shocked and gutted.

Do not be that lady.

angelohsodelight · 17/01/2015 17:40

This doesnt bode well for your future relationship .... If it's doom and gloom with your engagement, good luck!!!

Original poster

Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/01/2015 18:11

It's off. It's supposed to be a wonderful time,not miserable. I've told him to wait until he's ready to marry me AND share it with our loved ones.

OP posts:

TattyDevine · 17/01/2015 18:12

Ah shit, that sucks. Have a

Inkanta · 17/01/2015 18:14

Good job Scoop.

Stay strong!

LadyLuck10 · 17/01/2015 18:14

Well done Scoop for standing up for yourself and believing you deserve so much better. Never settle. It's up to him now to decide if you are worth being treated fairly and with respect and make things right.

DidoTheDodo · 17/01/2015 18:17

I think you've done the right thing there scoop. What was his reaction to that? Devastation or relief?

ThingummyJigg · 17/01/2015 18:20

Shame, but a good decision.

He was daft to propose to you when he wasn't ready to shout it from the rooftops with pride.

googoodolly · 17/01/2015 18:30

It's sad but the best decision, really.

What did he have to say?

Original poster

Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/01/2015 18:42

He's bothered by it but more angry at me and how dare I be upset. I'm gutted, I wish he'd never bothered if he didn't wholeheartedly want to.

I don't know where we go from here now though.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 17/01/2015 18:43

You did the right thing, OP. That was very brave.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread