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Original poster

Engaged but DP doesn't want to tell anyone

128 replies

Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/01/2015 11:36

DP proposed on Christmas Eve. It was lovely and we had a wonderful Christmas. He still won't tell anyone though which really bothers me. We live together and have 2 young DC so it's not like it's going to be that much of a shock to anyone.

We talked last night and I asked him why he doesn't want to tell anyone. He's not ready yet, apparently. He hasn't told his older 2DS who live with us pretty much 50:50 at the moment. I feel like he's ashamed of me and it's exactly the same as when I was pregnant - I had to hide it until just before twenty weeks the first time as it was a surprise and he didn't want to upset his DC, same with my second pregnancy which was hidden until about 4.5 months which wasn't easy.

I don't know if I'm feeling so crappy about this situation because of previous experience of feeling he was ashamed of me or if I have a point in feeling upset.

I've told my family but I can't tell my sister as she would definitely mention it in front of his DCs. I feel a bit strange saying 'we're going to get married but don't mention it if DP's DCs are around - he's not ready for them to know about it yet...'

So am I being unreasonable to be feeling so crappy about this? I can't even look at him this morning and feel like saying if I'm that bad then why on earth are you with me? I just need the MN perspective on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/01/2015 12:36

Thank you everyone. I was kind of hoping I am being unreasonable and people would come along to say it's ok what he's doing. Now I've got to decide where to go from here.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 17/01/2015 12:39

Good luck Scoop. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve!
He's shown you over and over again regarding the joyous times in your life that you are second best. Do not accept this because it gets harder not easier when you are married.

TillyGotTangled · 17/01/2015 12:53

I've been in this position too though from the other side and I can see it's bound to be horrible to be squirrelled away BUT

The relationships within my family are difficult at best. I've dated people for over a year without even introducing them to immediate family but in all honesty I just couldn't face it. Nothing was ever good enough and I didn't want holes being put in my happiness - despite the negative relations with my mum especially, I've always been hugely influenced by her opinion so would have had a lot of fear of her criticising and me ending things to make her happy. That probably doesn't even make sense to an outsider Confused

Maybe, it's his family's reaction/feelings putting him off?

WooWooOwl · 17/01/2015 12:58

Has he given you an engagement ring? Does he expect you not to wear it, or if you decided against a ring, is he expecting you not to start wedding planning?

phoenixrose314 · 17/01/2015 13:01

Just tell him if he doesn't want people to know, then you're not engaged. Because the whole point of getting engaged is to announce to people you know that you intend to wed.

Seriously. I'd take the ring off and tell him to do it again when he's ready to make that kind of commitment.

pictish · 17/01/2015 13:41

I'd take the ring off too. You're not engaged. It's an empty gesture. Tell him so.

Sausagerollers · 17/01/2015 13:48

Um, surely when people see a big sparkly rock on your ring finger they're going to realise you're engaged - or did he not get you a ring?

Was the engagement in lieu of an Xmas present by any chance I.e. He forgot to get you a gift so proposed to hide that??

I can't imagine why anyone would get engaged and then want it to be a secret, unless they didn't really want to be engaged...

Stormingateacup · 17/01/2015 13:52

It's self-defeating though. Surely when the pregnancies were eventually revealed, the people he hasn't told were surprised and affronted at being in the dark for so long? The secrecy just makes it worse!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 17/01/2015 13:53

I felt a bit like that, no exes or DCs involved either. I was worried everyone was going to start making a huge fuss and going on about weddings morning, noon and night, when all I wanted was to get quietly married with zero fuss, I had seen so many friends and colleagues become obsessed with huge engagement parties, hen nights, weddings. So I dithered for a few weeks. Luckily DH put up with me and I braced myself for the fuss, told everyone and we managed to get married without too much fuss after all (with no engagement or hen parties).

ImperialBlether · 17/01/2015 13:56

What would he do if you just said to his children (while he was there) "Hey, good news, we're engaged!"?

Hatespiders · 17/01/2015 14:00

I agree with Gretna. I'd 'disengage'. (I know it would be very disappointing for you, but the only thing to do if he flatly refuses to tell anyone!) and tell him it can only happen if he's ready to tell everyone.

To me this is a bit ominous. It's either reluctance on his part to get married at all, or he's a controlling type of a man who wants to rein you in until HE decides you can reveal the engagement.

Getting engaged should be a joyful time for both parties; normally you'd both want to announce it to all and sundry with enormous pride, and have a lovely party etc. This is not how you're feeling; you're hurt and confused aren't you?

Don't proceed with this until you feel very happy about his reactions and secure in the knowledge that he does want marriage and does want the world to know immediately.

Viviennemary · 17/01/2015 14:00

Not ready yet. Really that is beyond belief. You already have a child and he's rot ready to tell anybody you're engaged. Don't tolerate this. Tell him either he behaves in a normal sensible way or else it's over.

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy · 17/01/2015 14:02

Is he normally anxious with all good news, or just good news with you? I'd ask him to talk through exactly what is his worst case scenario that he is fearing here from the good news (a common technique for dealing with anxiety I use). By your posts, it doesn't seem that his teen DC have reacted badly to other things?

My DP and I eloped and I didn't tell my parents (I'd moved thousands of miles away from them for a reason) and I couldn't take their negativity and abuse. Same with us having kids, I didn't tell my parents or announce it on 'my side' for ages (first at 16 weeks when I became very ill, after the 20 week scan for my second, for my third, after she was born, I was nearly 9 months with my fourth) because each one previously had been worse (Announcing pregnancy brought on requests for picture so she could see 'how fat' I'd gotten - she loves to brag no one could tell she was pregnant - and when I told her DC1 was born, my mother's first reaction was to mock his middle names and then ask if I as birth control and then brought birth control up in every conversation we had after until I stopped talking to her because her verbal abuse was too much).

I didn't stop DP from telling his parents/family/friends though. I think it would be one thing to want to wait and come up with a plan to tell someone ones' anxious about and another to say you can't tell anyone at all because he doesn't want to tell his teen DC...

Original poster
Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/01/2015 14:04

We've had a chat. He does want to marry me, thinks about it everyday and it's everything he wants. However he's anxious about telling people, he's told a couple of work colleagues but feels anxious about telling his sons and his family who are abroad. He said his family would be thrilled but when he spoke to them the other day it just didn't come up.

I'm not wearing a ring, I have my grandmother's ring but it needs to be resized. He didn't propose in lieu of Christmas presents but did get Christmas card with to my fiancé on it and perhaps that was all that was left in the shop.

I still don't understand. He said it's what he wants and I suggested him trying again when he knows it's what he wants and can feel excited about it but he's not keen. I'm so confused.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/01/2015 14:09

perhaps your confusion is the intended outcome for him

Hexiegone · 17/01/2015 14:09

he's anxious about telling people
How is he with people in general? Relaxed enough or does he suffer from social anxiety at all?

How is your relationship in general?

defineme · 17/01/2015 14:13

I would bet it is absolutely nothing to do with being ashamed of you or anything at all to do with you really.
It will be entirely because of unresolved guilt/anguish he feels from (I assume) before he even met you whrn his marriage broke down and he feels he destroyed his first 2 children's world. No matter the happy reality of the present, every new part of his current life will feel like he is hurting his sons all over agsin.
That kind of deep rooted psychological mess needs a counsellor to unpick it or an awful lot of honest talking. But it probably comes from him being a fundamentally good man.
Be honest about the effect of his actions on you, but I hope you csn help him work through it too.

Hatespiders · 17/01/2015 14:14

I'm not surprised you're confused you poor thing. I'd be blooming confused too, and not a little angry as well. He's told work colleagues (so he says...) but not his family? "It just didn't come up" ????? Eh? He's just got engaged but he just didn't happen to mention it??
And The Ring is your grandmother's, so he hasn't bought one himself?
And he's not keen... ?

No no no Scoop, back off for a bit. He's playing a double role here. Do not proceed under these circumstances. You need to keep your dignity and pride intact, and get some self-respect. You deserve a lovely engagement and all the celebrations that go with it, not this hole-in-corner rubbish.

Chaseface · 17/01/2015 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inkanta · 17/01/2015 14:36

AnyFucker has a point. It may suit him for you to be confused and insecure about the situation. He seems to have the power in your relationship.

Pancakeflipper · 17/01/2015 14:38

I think he's petrified of "damaging" his children. Perhaps he feels he failed them in not still being with their mother. I'd be asking if it's that causing his hesitancy on telling people. It sounds like he does love you but got things with children out of proportion.

As aside we didn't tell anyone for 2 months but I was rather ill, we wanted me to able to enjoy the congrats.

Vicks72 · 17/01/2015 14:41

He is going to ask you to elope & then keep the fact you are married secret?

pictish · 17/01/2015 14:44

I suspect AF is on to something. His proposal is bound to make you think he loves you and is serious about your future together, so you're hooked in, even when nothing of any bloody use materialises.

WooWooOwl · 17/01/2015 14:46

It's not everything he wants at all, he is lying to you.

People do not have 'everything they want' laid out in front of them, something they 'think about every day' right there for the taking, and then run away from it.

They just don't.

I'd give him a week to prove he wants this, including getting the ring resized and telling his family, and if that doesn't happen then tell him to leave. If you don't, you are basically inviting him to string you along and treat you with disrespect for the rest of your years together. People only treat others badly when they are allowed to, so don't allow him to.

pictish · 17/01/2015 14:56

I agree woo woo.

Op - judge people not by what they say, but by what they do.

Your fella there says one thing, but his actual actions tell you something quite different don't they?

Remember that talk is cheap and easy. Actions require effort.