Engaged but DP doesn't want to tell anyone

[Scoopmuckdizzy]

DP proposed on Christmas Eve. It was lovely and we had a wonderful Christmas. He still won't tell anyone though which really bothers me. We live together and have 2 young DC so it's not like it's going to be that much of a shock to anyone.

We talked last night and I asked him why he doesn't want to tell anyone. He's not ready yet, apparently. He hasn't told his older 2DS who live with us pretty much 50:50 at the moment. I feel like he's ashamed of me and it's exactly the same as when I was pregnant - I had to hide it until just before twenty weeks the first time as it was a surprise and he didn't want to upset his DC, same with my second pregnancy which was hidden until about 4.5 months which wasn't easy.

I don't know if I'm feeling so crappy about this situation because of previous experience of feeling he was ashamed of me or if I have a point in feeling upset.

I've told my family but I can't tell my sister as she would definitely mention it in front of his DCs. I feel a bit strange saying 'we're going to get married but don't mention it if DP's DCs are around - he's not ready for them to know about it yet...'

So am I being unreasonable to be feeling so crappy about this? I can't even look at him this morning and feel like saying if I'm that bad then why on earth are you with me? I just need the MN perspective on this.

Op why the hell should he be angry, because you want some respect, and to be valued. Really if I were you, I would be seriously considering the future of the relationship, he doesn't sound very nice.

The point about the two DC you have together being disregarded in all this is good. I would say to him, never mind being angry that I'm upset, how angry do you think it makes me that my kids, your younger two, get treated as a shameful afterthought, and me likewise?

How dare he be angry?! What a shit

He asks you to marry him but wants to stick conditions on who you can tell? I think you need to do some serious thinking about your relationship OP.

I'll give him angry!

You have done the right thing

don't settle for being someone's afterthought

how dare he be angry with you...This bloke is a headfuck and I believe what you should do next is offload him completely

you deserve someone who really values you

DH and I planned our wedding in secret. Apart from my dress in which is when people found out.

The reason I didn't want anyone trying to have thier stamp on the day.

Something one of the other posters said on here stuck with me, actually - he may be nervous giving how his last marriage failed, almost like he's waiting for a sign that this one will be different... Maybe ask him why he thinks his DC will take the news badly? He doesn't seem to have explained himself very well. Is it more about the ex than his DC?

I'm glad and sad that the engagement is off, OP - glad that you've stuck to your guns, and sad that you aren't going to get that happy moment you were so hoping for.

Hopefully you can get to the bottom of exactly why your DP doesn't want to tell his DC. Hugs to you!

Poor you op. How tricky. No ring though? You want a ring.

When you were pregnant did the matter not come up? That would be a deal breaker for me but I am old fashioned about stuff like that.

He isn't a very nice person is he?

Well he needs to either man up & align himself with you 100% (no more secret pregnancies or engagements) or he needs to bog off really.

Give him back his fiancé card (not quite as symbolic as a ring) & tell him you're not engaged & he'll need to ask at a time he's prepared to do it publically or not bother. Then resize your grandmothers ring, wear it on the other hand & tell him to buy his own ring if he ever feels willing to acknowledge you publically. Only you know whether getting married (or not getting married) is a deal breaker for you.

Oh OP...don't you know you were supposed to be so over the moon about his 'proposal' (with no ring, and which must be kept a secret) that you wouldn't dare have your own opinion about any of it?
Well you've spoiled it now, with your not wanting to keep it a secret, and expecting to be treated like an adult worthy of pride, regard and respect. You were supposed to be simpering with gratitude, not questioning his hollow gesture.
I'm not surprised he's angry. It hasn't gone the way he wanted it to at all.

Make sure to tell him to take his fiancée card (because that makes the secrecy and lack of enthusiasm better), roll it up tight and secure with pink ribbon before it inserting it neatly into his anus.
That'll cheer him up.

Did you have visitors over Christmas? Where did you display the card?

Apparently he was going to tell his DC this evening... I said at least you won't have to suffer that ordeal anymore. He's acting like it's my fault that it's all gone tits up. If I had just waited a little while longer it would have been fine. He's sorry he procrastinated when it came to telling his family our news but it wasn't done maliciously or because he doesn't want to get married.

I've tried to explain that this isn't how it is supposed to be and that asking me to marry him is supposed to be something positive, not kept hidden. He's still sulking because I have an opinion but he does this a lot. Last night he was full of apologies and he called his sister who basically said the same as everyone here. I feel so hurt and angry that this moment which is supposed to be special has been turned into this.

I'm so mixed up. This was not supposed to happen. Why can't anything be simple? He seems to think he's the only man ever to get divorced.

he was going to tell his dc this evening all along ?

yeah, pull the other one

and you are not the "mixed up" one

your response his perfectly normal

him ? not so much

is perfectly normal

I know. My fault for not looking hard enough into my crystal ball.

he is a headfucker

I don't see the attraction here. You are living in a constant state of unease and unrest.

Why not tell him to sling his hook and piss some other poor woman about ?

I cannot believe this. I'm upstairs. He's downstairs talking on the phone to his parents and telling them we've decided to get married.

This has pissed me off more than him not telling them. I've told him in no uncertain terms that we are not getting married and he's telling his parents we are? Are we living in opposite land? How is this ok? Where is my say in this?

headfucker