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Original poster

Engaged but DP doesn't want to tell anyone

128 replies

Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/01/2015 11:36

DP proposed on Christmas Eve. It was lovely and we had a wonderful Christmas. He still won't tell anyone though which really bothers me. We live together and have 2 young DC so it's not like it's going to be that much of a shock to anyone.

We talked last night and I asked him why he doesn't want to tell anyone. He's not ready yet, apparently. He hasn't told his older 2DS who live with us pretty much 50:50 at the moment. I feel like he's ashamed of me and it's exactly the same as when I was pregnant - I had to hide it until just before twenty weeks the first time as it was a surprise and he didn't want to upset his DC, same with my second pregnancy which was hidden until about 4.5 months which wasn't easy.

I don't know if I'm feeling so crappy about this situation because of previous experience of feeling he was ashamed of me or if I have a point in feeling upset.

I've told my family but I can't tell my sister as she would definitely mention it in front of his DCs. I feel a bit strange saying 'we're going to get married but don't mention it if DP's DCs are around - he's not ready for them to know about it yet...'

So am I being unreasonable to be feeling so crappy about this? I can't even look at him this morning and feel like saying if I'm that bad then why on earth are you with me? I just need the MN perspective on this.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 18/01/2015 14:52

You should not be with this man. He is awful. He tells you who you can speak to and what you can and can't say. Whatever you want, he does the opposite.

You have just broken off the engagement so he goes off to announce that he is engaged.

He has no respect for you whatsoever. I would act as if the engagement had never happened. I would say to anyone who asked, 'Engaged? No, not me. Do you see a ring on my finger? Think he's just messing with you.'

Stop letting him control you. Make plans to leave.

YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 18/01/2015 14:56

Scoop - you are in the loved up stage of a relationship and this is what he's like. That is NOT good. You need to have a serious think about whether this relationship is a positive or a negative force in your life.

pictish · 18/01/2015 15:00

chaseface is exactly right...

Original poster
Scoopmuckdizzy · 18/01/2015 16:01

I'm furious that he's done this.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 18/01/2015 16:12

He sounds like a bit of a game player to me, OP.

yellowdinosauragain · 18/01/2015 16:15

I'm sorry but I don't see what he's doing wrong now. He was intially a twat, yes, for asking you to marry him but wanting to keep it hidden.

But you've told him that you won't agree to marry him until he's prepared to be open about it. I know I've paraphrased but that's correct isn't it?

So he's being open about it, exactly as you asked, by phoning his parents and telling them you're getting married. And you've got a problem with this?

Really think what you want the outcome to be here. If it's that you want to marry the man you love, and be able to celebrate openly, I think you've just got what you wanted. Be very careful about getting wound up on here by others who have their own issues and don't know you or your family, and end up throwing exactly what you wanted back in his face...

HexBramble · 18/01/2015 16:22

Call him on his behaviour.
Tell him he's playing games and ask him why.

Koalafications · 18/01/2015 16:24

OP, it sounds like he is playing a very elaborate game with your mind.

Does he always do the opposite to what you want?

AnyFucker · 18/01/2015 16:28

I only have "issues" about people who play games like this

Original poster
Scoopmuckdizzy · 18/01/2015 16:53

That's just it. It's not that he's telling people now, it's the fact he's barely spoken to me all weekend and blaming me for ruining it. He knows I've been upset by this but rather than acknowledge why he's decided it's my fault for questioning the situation in the first place.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/01/2015 16:59

He is playing some serious mind games, he knows it's off, he is just trying to prove himself. I would seriously consider your future with him.

ninetynineonehundred · 18/01/2015 17:14

yellowdinosaur i think it's the fact that dp hasn't discussed things with her that makes it a game.
If, after not speaking to her all weekend he had said 'look, I screwed up. I get why you were upset but I really do want this. I handled it badly. You said nothing would happen until I was ready to tell people and would you accept my apology now. Let's tell everyone tonight and have a bottle of champagne to celebrate '
That would show he at least was considering her feelings.
The way he did it smacks of panic and I'll show you ' which is what people are picking up on.

pictish · 18/01/2015 17:21

Exactly so ninety.

yellowdinosauragain · 18/01/2015 17:23

It's not that he's telling people now, it's the fact he's barely spoken to me all weekend and blaming me for ruining it. He knows I've been upset by this but rather than acknowledge why he's decided it's my fault for questioning the situation in the first place

Ok with this later post and ninetynine's explanation it's clear he's being a twat in how he's handling this.

I'd still say to keep in mind what you want from this. You are living with him and have 2 children together and said you were very happy when he initially proposed. Which tells me you love him and want to be with him. The way he's handled this may well have changed that, I don't know. Only you know what you want now.

I certainly think you need to be upfront with him about why the way he's gone about this has spoilt it for you and pissed you off. I don't think he's necessarily a nasty game player though. His intentions might be genuine and his anger now is a reflection of the fact he's now frustrated and doesn't understand why you're not happy even though he's doing exactly what you wanted (in his mind). Or he could be a massive game playing wanker. Only you can know which of these is most likely.

But someone who is shit on the presentation isn't always a nasty game player

yellowdinosauragain · 18/01/2015 17:27

I'm not sure I've worded that well. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand why you're fucked off. But someone behaving like a twat doesn't necessarily mean they are a twat and only you have all the back story to know whether this is understandable or whether it's the final straw. Hope you manage to sort it out either way.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 18/01/2015 18:19

Initially I wondered if he might be trying to be sensitive to his older DCs.
But following your updates I think he is being manipulative.
I am cautious of ppl whose default position is one of dishonesty.
Stay calm. Think about what you want and call him on his behaviour.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2015 19:04

yellow, what is your investment in finding excuses for this guy ?

don't you think the op has been doing that already for years and now it is time to stop

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 18/01/2015 20:08

Yellow I wou agree but this isn't a one off.

She had to keep 2 pregnacy until 1/2 way along.

yellowdinosauragain · 18/01/2015 21:41

I've got no investment in finding excuses, what a strange thing to say Hmm

The op started off saying she was initially pleased at the proposal, is living with him and has 2 kids with him. And this is all despite his strange behavior wanting to keep both pregnancies secret. So I presumed from that that actually she loves him. And that, if he sorts himself out, she'd like to marry him.

I could be wrong about that. Only the op knows. But I tend to like to look for the most positive explanation for someone's behaviour until there is definite evidence that that isn't the case.

So I was trying to give another side to the op. That's all. I'm not saying I'm right about the situation but I stand by what I've posted being one interpretation of what has happened. If the op thinks what I'm saying is bollocks, given that she knows him and the situation then that's fine.

TrixAreForKids · 19/01/2015 12:56

my DM and Ddad got engaged last year. Bless them - after 20 years. Mum wants a first dance, a party, dad says no. Get married, come home. simple. job done.
mum says well whats the fucking point in getting married then? if my DP didn't want to show me off and tell the world I'd be VERY, VERY upset.

SuperFlyHigh · 19/01/2015 13:14

yellow of course the OP would be pleased with the proposal until she heard afterwards about all the conditions attached to it. That somehow takes the shine off the engagement and celebrations around it doesn't it?

I'd be wary and suspicious of someone who told me to hide the pregnancies until a late stage too.

Why on earth you are trying to make excuses for her OH is beyond me, in fact its very brave of the OP to bring this up, risk potentially her relationship and that of her DCs with her OH by maybe ending it with him.

For what its worth OP I'd think long and hard about my future with this man, his behaviour when you got engaged and after (this weekend) and his manipulative behaviour in telling his parents you're engaged after you called it off (quite rightly so).

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 19/01/2015 13:34

Total headfucker.

OP, turn this around. There's a positive here. This is telling you more about the essential core character of this man than a thousand marriage prep courses ever could :) Confused :)

Do some hard thinking.

BreakingDad77 · 19/01/2015 13:37

Is this all about the ex??

Is he not telling kids so that ex doesn't find out??

maras2 · 19/01/2015 13:58

Bet he was pretending to make that phone call.Weirdo.

yellowdinosauragain · 19/01/2015 14:03

Why on earth you are trying to make excuses for her OH is beyond me

In not trying to make excuses for her oh. I'm trying to give another perspective which might, or might not, help her.

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