Party invitation hell. Tell me what to do.

[newrecruit]

DS2 (year1) has been invited to a party. It's a girl in his class who he's 'sort of' friends with. It's at her house. She's relatively new to the school and I haven't met her Mum. I've accepted.

He has just been invited to a party by one of his really close friends. It's a roller skating party.

It's on at exactly the same time.

I've already told second mum (who I know well) that we've accepted other party. She's fine with it.

However I have no idea how to manage DS. He's going to be furious to miss his friend's party and be made to go to this other one.

I can't back out of the first as it's just too rude, especially as she's new.

tiggy OP has said that the other mother didn't know about the girls party as her DS wasn't invited.

Pretty, I don't think mine is a good solution at all.
I just think a sulker at a party is a pain in the butt and they might be well rid.
As the OP said her child is not one to take it well and she knows him best.

Thumb's system makes sense to me. Her DS birthday is at the end of the school year, so she goes back though the parties (almost everyone's) and also considers those with birthdays in the summer holidays (late Dec and Jan) from the year before. My DD is Jan and I do the same. But we are still in big party mode as she's only year 1.

Any who, OP, we had the same situation last year and I delayed responding to the second party for a couple of days. In that time the new kid's mother rescheduled her party (even though it was the first to be organised and extended invitation to the other child who hadn't originally been invited. All was well. Hopefully one of the parties will move if you sit tight.

My DD has missed quite a few parties this year because of being away or having prior commitments. By the end of the year she would openly acknowledge it was a shame but she had promised to do something else. Better than the massive sulks of one year ago when she had to miss a party for a holiday. So, if the parties aren't rescheduled it is the start of a good lesson.

You can't do anything. Ds needs to go to the girls party and be gracious about it. Tell him how his friend and him can have a special play date another day.

It still stands though - it isn't on to back out of a party you have agreed to attend in favour of a late invite to one you'd prefer no matter how old you are. It is incredibly rude.

Completely agree. It's actually very mean to do that to a little child

The mum may understand if you back out of party number 1, but her dd might not.

Hopefully by the time you pick Ds up he will have had a great time and wont be upset he missed the second party. Especially if he knows he has a play date with his best friend still to come.
(and he gets a really good party bag from the first party!)

I've had some sort of party problem issue every year for DS.

One party he was only allowed to have 5 from the class and my good friends DS was in the same class but not a good friend of DS so wasn't one of the 5. I knew she would be miffed at not being included so I said it gently and invited her DS separately to a little gathering at our house but you could tell she was pissed off for a while.

Same gathering, my best friend said yes for her 2, then one of the 2 got a better offer was invited to another so she spoke to me about it and accepted the better offer second invite. I told her it was ok because what else can I say? "no your child has to be at my party" which she would have probably been pissy about.

Same thing happened last year with another friend. She accepted for both of her children. Then her DS got an invite to another party and again she spoke to me about it. Her DS even told her that he should stick to the 1st party but it was his mum who said she would speak to me. Nice to know the child had more etiquette than his mother. Again, how was I suppose to say know without her getting pissy.

One year my entertainer accidentally cancelled my booking for whatever reason it was. I was sat with 20 minutes to go in an empty room and had to go and break to news to DD who was waiting at home.

Year before last a friend had booked her childs party that overlapped mine (not sure how it happened tbh as her DC were invited and before she had done it) and a lot of the guests were mutual friends who had already accepted. She asked me if I could change mine as the entertainer she had only did that time slot. No it was not the day of her childs birthday but it was of mine.

Last year DS's invites went out at school, his best friends mum came to me in a panic as her DS's party was the hour after mine had finished and she was worried no one would go to hers. We did but that was some rush!

This year it looks as if the one person DS really wants to come isn't as he may be going to another party but I haven't heard either way and DS isn't overly happy.

There should be rules! Always stick to the first acceptance because anything else is rude no matter how you say it, get invites out a decent amount of time so if there is a clash, it potentially can be sorted out. And adult friends are not allowed to sulk if their child doesn't get invited to a child's party that they don't even play with!

Needless to say its rare that any party goes without a hitch, there always seems to be something. Second mother should have been more organised and now she does know then she should change it seeing as the invites haven't actually gone out yet.

I would say that sorry I forgot DS has already been invited to another party and let him go to the one he wants to go to with his close friends. No brainer for me I'm afraid.

If the only reason you're considering sending him to the second party is because of his fury at being forced to go to the one he's accepted, op; what lesson are you teaching him there??
If he reacts badly at the notion of going to the girl's party, and, as several posters have said already he's likely to misbehave and spoil it for her, why should the alternative be to send him to the second party??

By all means don't force him to go, but don't reward him like that or he'll do it again when faced with any choice he doesn't like.

It would be rude and hurtful to blow out the girl, because a better offer had come along.

I never went for return invites in infants.

There were loads of whole class parties. DD didn't enjoy them as much as smaller ones, so she had smaller ones. If she'd 'had' to do return invites the party would have been full before she'd invited any of her closer friends (especially as some of them didn't have parties at all).

Agree with most upthread, stick with first.
I would expect second Mum to at least consider shifting her party.

Snow White - I do genuinely think there is a point at which you say other things are more important than children's parties.

The one I cancelled was a whole class party at soft play - invites were sent out in plenty of notice. A couple of weeks before the party some friends invite us to attend an event.

We'd be mad to turn that down because we'd committed to 2 hours at soft play!

Completely different to cancelling one party in favour of another.

"I just think a sulker at a party is a pain in the butt and they might be well rid."

Oh heavens, . My child has been the sulker. Refuser to join in. Biting heads off the other children for daring to say hello. Coz that really impresses the other parents (NOT). Or cried non-stop.

OP's problem has never happened to us, my kids get invited to few parties.
2 of my DC have had social problems so my first priority would be protecting their valuable social relationships. The other parents don't know or like me, so I wouldn't care about that.

If OP knows her child is strong socially I understand her wanting to be kind and politest by prioritising the first-accepted invite to the small new-girl party.

But it isn't really a 'close friend' really is it - doesn't op say her son had offered him x places for his party but this boy only came about 8 or 9 on the list?

A best/close friend would be under 5 surely?

I agree with OP that it would be incredibly rude (and very mean to the little girl) to cancel in this situation. Quite surprised by the number of people who think it would be ok.
Personally, I think the present is the only reciprocation needed for a party invitation and expecting anything more from party guests is a bit unreasonable.
If your DC gets loads of party invites are you then obliged to have big parties every year? What if you can't afford that or it's not the type of party your child wants?
Do you decline invitations purely because you're unlikely to reciprocate, even if that means your DC missing out on a nice party and party child potentially having no one turn up to their party? Who benefits from that?
And what about kids who never have parties, for whatever reason? Are they also to be excluded from everyone else's parties? That seems so mean.
These are genuine questions. My DS is only 2 so only goes to my friends' kids' parties at the moment.

Well yes, imagine the thread.
DD's just started a new school and invited some of her classmates to her birthday party. We had quite a few acceptances and she's really been looking forward to it, but now another mum has arranged a party for the same day and most of the guests have cancelled on us to go there instead.

AIBU to be really upset for DD?

I'm sorry, I don't get the whole 'you can never cancel because you've accepted' business. I know someone who did a 'save the date' for a 5th birthday party months ahead. Utterly ridiculous. I responded with 'I think we can, but will let you know nearer to the date'.

I do get the 'don't cancel at the last minute because you've had another invite' though - because someone has already done all the arranging by then.

But parties, generally, aren't firmly catered for/arranged until closer to the day.

woollyjumpers
the first party girl is new, and doesn't have many friends yet

There are quite a few assumptions on this thread about the new girl, the size of her party (assumed to be small), lack of friends etc. But I don't think the OP has mentioned these details. And for all we know, the son may be the only guest invited to both parties. If the girl's party will be otherwise well attended, then her son's presence may be less important.

Don't these classrooms have something up on the walls with every child's birthday?

We always checked with other parents before booking any parties, to make sure there weren't any clashes.

I wouldn't assume it was a small party at someone's house unless I knew what the house was like. I've been to house parties where you could easily fit in a dozens of children.

Siennasun - I'll answer you, since it's my situation you're responding to:
If your DC gets loads of party invites are you then obliged to have big parties every year? What if you can't afford that or it's not the type of party your child wants?
DS1 is 7. So far he has had 3 parties, 2 large pool parties where numbers weren't limited, and the last one we had to limit numbers because it was a themed party and the stuff cost a lot. I don't plan to continue having large parties, or even a party every year.

Do you decline invitations purely because you're unlikely to reciprocate, even if that means your DC missing out on a nice party and party child potentially having no one turn up to their party?
No, the only invitations we decline are ones we can't get to.

Who benefits from that?
Irrelevant since that's not what we do.

And what about kids who never have parties, for whatever reason? Are they also to be excluded from everyone else's parties? That seems so mean.
Again, we don't ONLY invite children whose parties DS1 has been invited to, we just START with those, as so far it's only been a few children. In fact, this year he only went to 4 parties - so it was quite simple. Other people here clearly don't operate on the same basis that I do, and that's entirely their prerogative.

Things will change as DS1 gets older. Other people will stop inviting such large numbers too, DS1 will form closer and more permanent friendships, rather than just liking everyone - he wanted to invite his whole class this year, I stopped him because I didn't have enough of the party stuff for more than 24 children, and there are 20 in his class, plus the half dozen or so friends from outside school, plus a couple of small siblings who couldn't be excluded (including DS2). So we cut down on the class invitations, because that was the easiest - only 6 boys in the class, so they all got invited, and then only 6 girls to be invited too. 2 had invited him to a party already, so they were the top of the list; and then 4 more girls who he liked and played with.

No one HAS to do this - it's how I choose to plan OUR parties.