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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party invitation hell. Tell me what to do.

136 replies

newrecruit · 17/01/2015 10:14

DS2 (year1) has been invited to a party. It's a girl in his class who he's 'sort of' friends with. It's at her house. She's relatively new to the school and I haven't met her Mum. I've accepted.

He has just been invited to a party by one of his really close friends. It's a roller skating party.

It's on at exactly the same time.

I've already told second mum (who I know well) that we've accepted other party. She's fine with it.

However I have no idea how to manage DS. He's going to be furious to miss his friend's party and be made to go to this other one.

I can't back out of the first as it's just too rude, especially as she's new.

ConfusedHmmConfusedHmmConfusedHmmConfused

OP posts:
LoxleyBarrett · 17/01/2015 10:51

It is irrelevant who accepted the first invite - it was discussed and he agreed to go. You do not then cancel the first because of a second better offer - that is a terrible way to treat anyone. What if everyone cancels on the first girl and goes to the second party - how will that make her feel?

I cannot believe that any of you think this is ok.

paperlace · 17/01/2015 10:53

You see I don't necessarily agree - it's his bestie!

Could you give girls' mum a quick call, nothing OTT (don't apologise like a loon, it will annoy her more) say: 'So sorry but his best friend's party is on the same time I've just found out, ds will give her her present on her bday and can she come to play on XX?'.

If I was her mum I geuninely wouldn't be insulted.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 17/01/2015 10:53

There's another lesson to learn too of course, sometimes you have to disappoint people to maintain friendships, and you do need to prioritise your friendships. Both the hosts (the boy and the girl, the parents are irrelevant to the son) might be disappointed if their friend doesn't turn up. You can't please both, you have to learn to decide who to disappoint, ie which friendship is more important to you.

Given that the first party was being done as a favour to the mother it is complicated by how much he wants to influence that relationship, but really that's the OP's screw up and can be rectified by disappointing a mother she'd never met...

paperlace · 17/01/2015 10:55

Loxley - because when you've had three kids who've all gone through primary and half of secondary you realise these things aren't such a big deal! As long as parents are reasonable and polite to each other - ditto the kids - then most people don't mind. Some times there are grey areas in life.

limitedperiodonly · 17/01/2015 10:55

Perhaps he shouldn't go to either. If he really is going to be 'furious' he might spoil the girl's party.

Liondemer · 17/01/2015 10:56

How old is he? Not really agreeing with all these 'he didn't decide, you did' comments.

I think you have to go to the girl's party but as you know the mum of ds's bf, why don't uou give her a call and discuss a change of date time? Although if he was invited to the girl's party and she then decided to organise Her ds's party at the very same time, she's the one being unreasonable.

Thumbwitch · 17/01/2015 10:59

Similar happened to DS1 in 2013. He was invited to one party, a footie friend, we accepted. We were going to be late anyway as for some reason the party was on at the same time as Saturday footie Hmm and I decided not to miss that. THEN DS1's "best" friend (I didn't think so but that's not the point) invited him to a bowling party on the same day - starting the same time as the original party, but I had already said we'd be late to that. So I managed to go to the second-invitation party for the shorter time, got all the bowling out of the way, missed all the food part and went to the second party (at the boy's house) for the rest - and still had a decent amount of party there, and food.

I don't know if you could maybe do it that way round? No one minded in my situation, but it depends on how late it would make you, or if you would have trouble extracting DS from his roller-skating party. My Ds1 was nearly 6 when this happened, so still pretty malleable.

DeliciousMonster · 17/01/2015 10:59

I doubt the first mum would be fine, Joffrey, I wouldn't be if I was her.

Why, what would you do about it? I am imagining a big tantrum or some snotty reply? It's a kid's party - get over it!

HappyAgainOneDay · 17/01/2015 11:01

Paperlace You might not be insulted if someone withdrew from your party because something better else came up but others will be. For some of us, it would put us off inviting you or your DCs to anything else because you've shown how you treat people. It's rather unmannerly to accept an invitation to anything and then pull out because something else has cropped up and you prefer it.

PrettyBlueTrees · 17/01/2015 11:03

I am so Shock at how many people think it is acceptable to renege on the first invite.

It is appalling behaviour. Totally unacceptable etiquette. You are doing your children a serious disservice by teaching them that this is OK.

Put yourselves in the shoes of the first child. What if everyone decides to go to the other boys party. Or if everyone decides to leave after an hour to go to the other boys party (equally rude). Her party (which was arranged in good time and probably paid for) will be ruined.

How would any if you feel if this was your own birthday party and suddenly all the guests cancelled?

As for the comment from fred about maintaining relationships!!! That's hysterical! They're year 1 (so 5 yo right?) they don't need to 'maintain' or 'prioritise' relationships - they just play together.

No wonder there are so many posts on MN about people falling out with each other if so many if you think this would be acceptable.

OP there is only one right course if action here. Explain to DS, offer a special play date to make up for party, decline second invite.

LoxleyBarrett · 17/01/2015 11:03

Paperlace - Look at you with your I have more experience than you attitude. I too have three children, sometimes they have to miss things because I can't split myself in three - that is just the way it is.

I do think manners are important and I would be think you were damn rude if you cancelled - It is not something I would consider.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/01/2015 11:04

But the boy didn't accept the first invitation, his mom did.

paperlace · 17/01/2015 11:05

Not if you deal with it in a friendly and reasonable way Happy.

This situation is totally understandable - of course the boy wants to go to best friend's party.

People are far 'ruder' than this - many don't reply at all to invites then turn up (or don't turn up), come with siblings and drop them all off. Are you going to be in rage with all of them and cut them off?

If you (or the mother) decided this was THE END OF THE WORLD and didn't extend any more invites, then well...pretty glad I got the measure of you early doors really.

paperlace · 17/01/2015 11:06

Loxley - it's really not rude if you deal with it in a polite way. But you carry on with your angry, rigid ways...

Italiangreyhound · 17/01/2015 11:08

He goes to the party you accepted but if it were me I would invite close friend over for tea after the party and I would take son roller skating sometime soon.

I don't think the first mum or first child would be fine with you declining it is not just rude it is (IMHO) cruel to a new child trying to make friends.

LoxleyBarrett · 17/01/2015 11:09

I am not angry paperlace, but you are rude.

Italiangreyhound · 17/01/2015 11:10

PS just for the record I did not read all the replies so am not 'getting at' any other posters at all Smile.

LexieSinclair · 17/01/2015 11:13

What Paperlace said. A kids' party should not be this big a deal. I would imagine that the op's DS will be more upset to miss his best friend's party than the party girl will be by his absence at her party.

LoxleyBarrett · 17/01/2015 11:14

That would depend Lexie on how many other cancel on her.

LexieSinclair · 17/01/2015 11:15

Yes, that's true...

GreenPetal94 · 17/01/2015 11:17

I have swapped my son from a girls party which I had accepted to his close friends. However the girls party was a 30 people type party and I knew her parents well, both of which made it easier.

HappyAgainOneDay · 17/01/2015 11:25

How do you teach your children manners if you cannot show them yourself? Everything that a parent teaches should begin at birth. If you accept one invitation, it's rude to pull out because something more desirable has come along. If children are taught that that they can if they want to, it makes me wonder if they are taught other sloppy ways of dealing with events and living and people.

lljkk · 17/01/2015 11:26

I suppose I'd send a pressie to the first girl's party & let my son choose his best mate's party. If best mate's mum really can't change the date or time.

thatsenoughelsa · 17/01/2015 11:26

I've seen plenty of rants on AIBU about friends who cancel plans because something "better" has come up. If adults find it hurtful then I'm sure the child in this case will to, especially if several kids cancel on her to attend this other party. Yes, I know it's just a child's party and not the end of the world but it's just really bad manners and I would want to send a message to my DC that it's not OK to let people down because you've had a better offer.

Original poster
newrecruit · 17/01/2015 11:37

Thank you for all your replies.

I wouldn't feel comfortable cancelling. It's at her home so it's probably a small party. Especially as the other boy hasn't been invited. She has obviously selected DS2 and it would be rude.

I would think it incredibly rude.

I did talk about it with DS at the time and he agreed to go so I haven't just bunged it on the calendar.

Some friends of ours couldn't come out with a group of us recently because they had already accepted a 40th birthday invite. They grumbled to us but went to the party they'd already agreed to.

That's what I'd expect grown ups to do so I suppose my children need to learn that early on.

OP posts:
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