Party invitation hell. Tell me what to do.

[newrecruit]

DS2 (year1) has been invited to a party. It's a girl in his class who he's 'sort of' friends with. It's at her house. She's relatively new to the school and I haven't met her Mum. I've accepted.

He has just been invited to a party by one of his really close friends. It's a roller skating party.

It's on at exactly the same time.

I've already told second mum (who I know well) that we've accepted other party. She's fine with it.

However I have no idea how to manage DS. He's going to be furious to miss his friend's party and be made to go to this other one.

I can't back out of the first as it's just too rude, especially as she's new.

[fredfredgeorgejnr]

As for the comment from fred about maintaining relationships!!! That's hysterical! They're year 1 (so 5 yo right?) they don't need to 'maintain' or 'prioritise' relationships - they just play together.

If they just did that, then they wouldn't have best friends... And if they don't start learning from an early age, then they're not learning about manners. And this invite manners of course is just rubbish, it's a ludicrous rule as all it does is encourage people to just postpone responding to any invites until the last minute because because they can't risk disappointing someone more important to them. You certainly wouldn't still go to a kids party you accepted before if it was a funeral, or a close friends wedding, or work, pulling out because the parent screwed up and accepted an invite on behalf of the child is not a bad thing.

Sure the kid would be disappointed if no-one turned up - then don't invite a load of near strangers to a party!

[gamerchick]

I was wondering if the other child had been invited. Is she the sort to do it on purpose to pull rank perhaps?

Course I'm a cynical old boot nowadays.

[gamerwidow]

Second mum is being extremely rude for planning her party on the day she knows the other girl has her party.
You have to go to party 1 and hopefully mum 2 will learn better manners in future.

[fredfredgeorgejnr]

gamerwidow eh? Because there's another party going on that maybe one child is also invited too, on the same day you cannot have one? In what world?

Do peoples kids really have such small social circles that every child knows every other one?

[SirChenjin]

Party etiquette dictates that you 1. always RSVP, 2. you never cancel if a 'better' offer comes along, and c. you say thank you for the invite/present. It's really not hard.

What on earth is the other Mum thinking of? If another child in the class has a party on the same day then you don't arrange a party for the same time, especially if the child is new and probably feeling that this birthday is a fairly Big Deal, of if there are bound to be friends in common.

Is there really no way she can reschedule?

[TedAndLola]

I agree with both the gamers (), the second mum is being very unreasonable by planning the party on the same day as the first.

[SirChenjin]

And not just the same day - the same time

[gamerwidow]

I am making the assumption that these kids are in the same class/school group so same kids invited to both. This being the case then no I don't think there should be two parties at the same time.
Same as if me and a friend with the same friendship group planned competing parties or do you think that is ok too?

[desertmum]

it's all about learning life lessons tho isn't it ? you accept an invitation and you go to that event regardless of whether something better comes along. the reason so many people think it is OK to cancel going to one event because a better offer came up is acceptable is because they have no manners. It really is very simple.

[PrettyBlueTrees]

fred I disagree with pretty much every word you've said.

Of course children have best friends. My point is that that relationship doesn't need 'maintained'. My declined her best friend's party recently. They are still best friends.

The rule isn't rubbish it is standard, generally accepted, etiquette.

My children understand the rule. Of course we don't hold off accepting invites until the last minute. We discuss them as they come in and accept or decline as appropriate. If a 'better' invite comes in and we can't make it we decline. If it's a special friend we'd probably organise a special play date to make it up to the birthday child.

I pretty much would still do my best for my children to attend an accepted party even if I had to work or go to a funeral.

You are strangely lacking in compassion to a 5 year old girl who has moved to a new area and hasn't made many friends yet...

[newrecruit]

To be fair to second mum, she didn't knew about the first party as her DS wasn't invited.

[KERALA1]

Op you think as I would.

Reminds me of my friend. Accepted wedding invite from old school friend, then got invite from really close friend she saw lots of, all her friends going and fab glam wedding which was local. First wedding 3 hours away. Being decent and polite she went to the first wedding, sat next to lovely man (she had been single for ages) they are now happily married with dc.

[SirChenjin]

Ah, OK - I didn't see the bit where she didn't know about the first party.

Unfortunately it's a life lesson for him - but he'll survive, and what's more, they'll even still be best friends afterwards

[PrettyBlueTrees]

Kerela what a lovely story!

[LoxleyBarrett]

"You certainly wouldn't still go to a kids party you accepted before if it was a funeral, or a close friends wedding"

But we are not talking about weddings (I am sure you receive wedding invites with more than a couple of weeks notice) or funerals (I think anyone would understand if you had to cancel). This is about not letting someone down because you get a better offer.

[Aeroflotgirl]

It is a really hard situation, and yes you accepted the invite for him, his best friends party came along. Could he not go to the first party for say 1 hour, and go to his friends party afterwards.

[Thumbwitch]

I don't think anyone would class a funeral as a "better offer"
But it would generally, depending on who it was for, take precedence over a party.

OP - has the 2nd mum taken on board the idea of trying for an earlier slot, do you know?

[Thumbwitch]

Loxley - I'm agreeing with you, btw, I know it looks like I've misread what you've said, but I haven't.

[KatieKaye]

Glad you are kind and polite, OP. I hope the new little girl doesn't have any people turning up for a short time and then buggering off to the other party. that would be so rude and hurtful to a small child who is still settling in and making friends.

I can still remember taking an invite to my best friend for my 4th birthday party and her Mum explaining she wouldn't be able to come (they were PB). Yes I was upset (obviously as I remember it nearly 50 years on!) but her mum and my mum talked to both of us about it and made sure we had a special day together later on in the week.

[fascicle]

Normally I would agree with honouring the accepted invitation to the first party, regardless of better offers. However, given the ages and relationships involved, I would seek a compromise to enable you son to attend his friend's party. Just because the girl is new does not mean her party won't be well attended (is there any way of finding out numbers?). Could your son recognise her birthday and give her a present at another time, so he could still attend his mate's party? Whilst I think that sticking to commitments is a valuable lesson, I think the lesson may be lost on a 5 or 6 year old.

[LoxleyBarrett]

Thumb - I realised the second time I read your post!

I really have been drawn into this which doesn't happen often. I need to get in with holiday packing and lunch!

[newrecruit]

We've backed out of parties before if something else has come up - weekend away etc.

However, I think that's different to jut choosing a party of someone else. They all talk about parties so she will know I he just went to a different one and that would be really mean.

DS has just written his party list. Girl isn't invited and the boy came in at number 8.

[newrecruit]

Trouble about doing both is that they are quite far apart. About 20 mins drive.

First party is 2 til 4, second is 3 to 4:30.

So could do 2 til 3 at one and 3:30 to 4:30 at another but I think that's rude to everyone

[Thumbwitch]

Now I wouldn't like that. I don't let DS1 refuse to invite people to his party if he's been to theirs, unless something awful has happened between them in the interim.

[newrecruit]

Actually thumbwitch that doesn't really work. DS2 never wants a whole class party - this is a football party with limited number. He also has friends from other places.

He has been to way more parties than there are spaces.

I also teach them that they can't be expected to be invited to every party, even if that person came to theirs.