Party invitation hell. Tell me what to do.

[newrecruit]

DS2 (year1) has been invited to a party. It's a girl in his class who he's 'sort of' friends with. It's at her house. She's relatively new to the school and I haven't met her Mum. I've accepted.

He has just been invited to a party by one of his really close friends. It's a roller skating party.

It's on at exactly the same time.

I've already told second mum (who I know well) that we've accepted other party. She's fine with it.

However I have no idea how to manage DS. He's going to be furious to miss his friend's party and be made to go to this other one.

I can't back out of the first as it's just too rude, especially as she's new.

[ProudAS]

I was going to post that link Mrs Asprey. I can understand the parents frustration after reading some of the threads on here.

[Siennasun]

That's fine Thumbwitch, and of course not everyone HAS to do that. BUT I've seen loads of threads on here saying that everyone should always invite children who've invited yours.
I can see how that works for you but still don't see how it would work for everyone .
I think we'll just do the parties we want and I just won't read any more threads about kids parties

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

Looks like you all beat me to it with the party no show invoice story:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-30876360

I would attend the first party invite as it is the first one you accepted but is it possible to leave early and attend the last half of the second party depending on logistics?

[SirChenjin]

The mother has already explained she asked him if he wanted to go, he said yes, she accepted the first party as a result, and put it in the calendar.

[fredfredgeorgejnr]

The mother accepted the first party, not the child, the mother can follow through on her acceptance and go to the party, the child can to the party he wanted to. Everyone wins!

[sparkysparkysparky]

Go to first party. Make a special date with best friend on another day - cinema or something. Give best friend a present too.

[WillBeatJanuaryBlues]

sorry but its no bog deal for your son there will be other parties.

you have already commited to first one I think its important you follow through.

Yes, I know it's just a child's party and not the end of the world

i disagree, its so hurtful to a small child if no one comes to their party, its devastating, can rock their confidence and will be I am afraid something they will never ever forget.

Have heard some heart breaking stories on here about people not turning up, small children all excited in a big room filled with balloons and no one coming awful behaviour, awful.

[BeggingYourPardon]

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2916379/Five-year-old-misses-friend-s-birthday-bash-INVOICED-15-95.html

She might invoice you for a no show! [WINK]

[Thumbwitch]

Wow, what was that mother thinking? Maybe she was fed up to the back teeth of mannerless people failing to honour the invitations they've accepted without letting her know, but that's complete overkill nonetheless!

[wyamc]

I'd insist dc went to the first party myself but then mine would probably just forget about the 2nd one.

But can understand it's much trickier if you've got a dc who's going to kick off.

[frostyfingers]

Look out folks - just heard this on the radio....

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-30876360

[Thumbwitch]

Siennasun - I'll answer you, since it's my situation you're responding to:
If your DC gets loads of party invites are you then obliged to have big parties every year? What if you can't afford that or it's not the type of party your child wants?
DS1 is 7. So far he has had 3 parties, 2 large pool parties where numbers weren't limited, and the last one we had to limit numbers because it was a themed party and the stuff cost a lot. I don't plan to continue having large parties, or even a party every year.

Do you decline invitations purely because you're unlikely to reciprocate, even if that means your DC missing out on a nice party and party child potentially having no one turn up to their party?
No, the only invitations we decline are ones we can't get to.

Who benefits from that?
Irrelevant since that's not what we do.

And what about kids who never have parties, for whatever reason? Are they also to be excluded from everyone else's parties? That seems so mean.
Again, we don't ONLY invite children whose parties DS1 has been invited to, we just START with those, as so far it's only been a few children. In fact, this year he only went to 4 parties - so it was quite simple. Other people here clearly don't operate on the same basis that I do, and that's entirely their prerogative.

Things will change as DS1 gets older. Other people will stop inviting such large numbers too, DS1 will form closer and more permanent friendships, rather than just liking everyone - he wanted to invite his whole class this year, I stopped him because I didn't have enough of the party stuff for more than 24 children, and there are 20 in his class, plus the half dozen or so friends from outside school, plus a couple of small siblings who couldn't be excluded (including DS2). So we cut down on the class invitations, because that was the easiest - only 6 boys in the class, so they all got invited, and then only 6 girls to be invited too. 2 had invited him to a party already, so they were the top of the list; and then 4 more girls who he liked and played with.

No one HAS to do this - it's how I choose to plan OUR parties.

[YackityUnderTheMistletoe]

I wouldn't assume it was a small party at someone's house unless I knew what the house was like. I've been to house parties where you could easily fit in a dozens of children.

[YackityUnderTheMistletoe]

Don't these classrooms have something up on the walls with every child's birthday?

We always checked with other parents before booking any parties, to make sure there weren't any clashes.

[fascicle]

woollyjumpers
the first party girl is new, and doesn't have many friends yet

There are quite a few assumptions on this thread about the new girl, the size of her party (assumed to be small), lack of friends etc. But I don't think the OP has mentioned these details. And for all we know, the son may be the only guest invited to both parties. If the girl's party will be otherwise well attended, then her son's presence may be less important.

[YackityUnderTheMistletoe]

I'm sorry, I don't get the whole 'you can never cancel because you've accepted' business. I know someone who did a 'save the date' for a 5th birthday party months ahead. Utterly ridiculous. I responded with 'I think we can, but will let you know nearer to the date'.

I do get the 'don't cancel at the last minute because you've had another invite' though - because someone has already done all the arranging by then.

But parties, generally, aren't firmly catered for/arranged until closer to the day.

[EmpressOfJurisfiction]

Well yes, imagine the thread.
DD's just started a new school and invited some of her classmates to her birthday party. We had quite a few acceptances and she's really been looking forward to it, but now another mum has arranged a party for the same day and most of the guests have cancelled on us to go there instead.

AIBU to be really upset for DD?

[Siennasun]

I agree with OP that it would be incredibly rude (and very mean to the little girl) to cancel in this situation. Quite surprised by the number of people who think it would be ok.
Personally, I think the present is the only reciprocation needed for a party invitation and expecting anything more from party guests is a bit unreasonable.
If your DC gets loads of party invites are you then obliged to have big parties every year? What if you can't afford that or it's not the type of party your child wants?
Do you decline invitations purely because you're unlikely to reciprocate, even if that means your DC missing out on a nice party and party child potentially having no one turn up to their party? Who benefits from that?
And what about kids who never have parties, for whatever reason? Are they also to be excluded from everyone else's parties? That seems so mean.
These are genuine questions. My DS is only 2 so only goes to my friends' kids' parties at the moment.

[Hulababy]

But it isn't really a 'close friend' really is it - doesn't op say her son had offered him x places for his party but this boy only came about 8 or 9 on the list?

A best/close friend would be under 5 surely?

[lljkk]

"I just think a sulker at a party is a pain in the butt and they might be well rid."

Oh heavens, . My child has been the sulker. Refuser to join in. Biting heads off the other children for daring to say hello. Coz that really impresses the other parents (NOT). Or cried non-stop.

OP's problem has never happened to us, my kids get invited to few parties.
2 of my DC have had social problems so my first priority would be protecting their valuable social relationships. The other parents don't know or like me, so I wouldn't care about that.

If OP knows her child is strong socially I understand her wanting to be kind and politest by prioritising the first-accepted invite to the small new-girl party.

[newrecruit]

Snow White - I do genuinely think there is a point at which you say other things are more important than children's parties.

The one I cancelled was a whole class party at soft play - invites were sent out in plenty of notice. A couple of weeks before the party some friends invite us to attend an event.

We'd be mad to turn that down because we'd committed to 2 hours at soft play!

Completely different to cancelling one party in favour of another.

[TeenAndTween]

I never went for return invites in infants.

There were loads of whole class parties. DD didn't enjoy them as much as smaller ones, so she had smaller ones. If she'd 'had' to do return invites the party would have been full before she'd invited any of her closer friends (especially as some of them didn't have parties at all).

Agree with most upthread, stick with first.
I would expect second Mum to at least consider shifting her party.

[ChocLover2015]

It would be rude and hurtful to blow out the girl, because a better offer had come along.