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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my wealthy dm shou!d of paid for the coat she pushed me into buying

99 replies

alittlethyme · 17/01/2015 09:22

Was out shopping with DM a few months ago.she insisted on dragging me into peacocks as she didn't like my coat, said it was scruffy andi need a new one.

We found one that was alright,but I said I just couldn't justify the money at the moment. SHe went on about not worring about it and she will help me out. So she bought it,but has now asked me for the money.

Money with me is very very tight, but she is well off. Aibu to think it was a gift ?

OP posts:
Nolim · 17/01/2015 09:23

Yanbu

Koalafications · 17/01/2015 09:23

I think you saying that you couldn't justify it 'at the moment' may have translated to her as you borrowing the money for the coat temporarily.

woowoo22 · 17/01/2015 09:24

How much was it? Did you agree to pay it back at the time? Seems a bit mean of her.

paperlace · 17/01/2015 09:25

should have

How bizarre. Is she usually manipulative like this? Is there a long back story? She sounds rather cruel.

Greywackejones · 17/01/2015 09:25

With koala.

She heard 'temp loan'

You thought you were saying politely can't afford. Tell nothing's changed. Can't afford it.

Alisvolatpropiis · 17/01/2015 09:26

Yabu

I wouldn't have assumed it was a gift more a "tide you over for now" gesture.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 17/01/2015 09:28

Have you asked her what she meant when she said at the time that she would "help you out"

Perhaps it was a miscommunication.

When she said she'd help you out, she meant loan you the money based on you saying you couldn't justify it at the moment
Whereas you thought she was giving you the money.

Talk to her. Say you thought it was a gift. If she insists it wasn't then you have to decide if it's worth falling out over or whether you'll give her the money in installments.

It's a hard lesson but it's important to clarify these things. Hopefully your mum will think it's just not worth it, realise she wasn't clear and let it go.

In future, if you don't want something or can't afford it, a flat out no, I am not going to...

Skatingfastonthinice · 17/01/2015 09:28

In my family, we'd have both meant it as a gift.
But you are an adult? So way past time to set a few boundaries with your mother about being manipulated into things.

Original poster
alittlethyme · 17/01/2015 09:28

It was 40, no mention of paying anything back. It may not seem like a lot for some, but it really is for me and this time of year is the worst with being paid early in Dec.

OP posts:
Skatingfastonthinice · 17/01/2015 09:30

So tell her you thought it was a gift and you'll pay her back when you are able to.
2020 has a nice even balance to it.

skylark2 · 17/01/2015 09:30

She's your mum. Tell her you couldn't afford it, would not have bought it at all if she hadn't insisted, and now can't afford to pay her back - and ask her if she wants the coat.

ilovesooty · 17/01/2015 09:32

You should have asserted yourself at the time and refused if you couldn't afford it.

As Skating said, time to set the boundaries and establish clear communication. No I don't think you should pay on this occasion as it was also her responsibility to ensure the expectations were clear.

Original poster
alittlethyme · 17/01/2015 09:34

Thanks everyone, skating that's exactly what I'm going to send back right now.

Its sad that someone with so much time and money can be ungenerous.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/01/2015 09:38

Tell her sorry you thought it was a gift and you just can't afford it and you'll drop the coat off for her.

If you can't afford it then you can't afford it.

SuburbanRhonda · 17/01/2015 09:40

OP, I agree with going with skating's response.

But I don't think she has any obligation to be generous to anyone - her family included - if she doesn't want to, regardless of how much money she has. It's her money. It's up to her how she spends it.

Only1scoop · 17/01/2015 09:43

I think it sounds like she was lending the money. The 'at the moment' I think she took as an indication you would pay back when you could afford. 'Help you out' without a 'no need to pay back' sounds like a loan.

SaucyJack · 17/01/2015 09:45

Set up a direct debit for a pound a week.

And tell her to fuck off next time.

Original poster
alittlethyme · 17/01/2015 09:46

I'm not saying she should have to share her wealth, but I would do in her case as family's help each other out in my mind. She has no idea how grating it is to moan to me about the food on her holiday or the builders of her new kitchen to someone that has not been abroad in years and can't afford a secure home.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 17/01/2015 09:48

It wasn't a gift

It was a loan on her part.

She obviously doesn't want to buy it for you ....or she would have said it was a gift.

Her Kitchen and holidays are nothing to do with the coat.

Topseyt · 17/01/2015 09:48

It was only on her insistence that the coat was bought at all and she knew full well that you couldn't afford it. That was why she appeared to offer to buy it for you.

She is being a petty miser. Tell her no. Just no. Presumably little has changed for you since then.

She shouldn't have offered to pay for the coat if she didn't want to do it, and to ask so long after the event is ridiculous.

In my family this would have been a gift. Not that I would ever have asked, but my parents are like that.

SaucyJack · 17/01/2015 09:49

No, no one has an obligation to be generous to anyone but that doesn't mean you're not a cunt when you bully your own child into buying something they can't afford just because you think they should have a new one.

Only1scoop · 17/01/2015 09:50

Maybe she thinks you can afford it?

OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse · 17/01/2015 09:51

Yanbu. Like others I think you need to explain that when you said you couldn't afford it at the moment you meant at all. Tbh this is quite a common figure of speech and people saying this usually mean they can't afford it full stop so I'm surprised she didn't get that. Then offer her the coat I guess, as you can't afford it. As you told her at the time, IMO, but there you go.

SuburbanRhonda · 17/01/2015 09:54

saucy, I agree with you about the bullying (but not that it makes you a c*).

It was when the OP said it was a shame someone with so much money can't be a bit more generous that I posted she doesn't have to be generous.

Crockofgold · 17/01/2015 09:54

Pay her back £1 a month. That should shut her up. How awful to buy something and then want repaying YANBU at all.

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