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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my wealthy dm shou!d of paid for the coat she pushed me into buying

99 replies

alittlethyme · 17/01/2015 09:22

Was out shopping with DM a few months ago.she insisted on dragging me into peacocks as she didn't like my coat, said it was scruffy andi need a new one.

We found one that was alright,but I said I just couldn't justify the money at the moment. SHe went on about not worring about it and she will help me out. So she bought it,but has now asked me for the money.

Money with me is very very tight, but she is well off. Aibu to think it was a gift ?

OP posts:

MinceSpy · 17/01/2015 09:55

Just be honest, you thought it was a gift. You still can't afford the coat so would she like it back or can you pay in instalments.

peggyundercrackers · 17/01/2015 09:55

sounded like she was giving you a loan not buying it for you. you sound a little entitled tbh - just because she has money and has a new kitchen and been abroad etc. doesn't mean she needs to give you money - that's got nothing to do with your position of struggling with having little money. I think you need to change how you think about money - you are wrong to expect help when it comes to money even if it is family.

Optimist1 · 17/01/2015 09:56

Would she spend that amount on your birthday present? If so, tell her you still can't afford it but suggest that you have it as an early birthday present.

CrazyOldBagLady · 17/01/2015 09:58

There was no conversation about repayment. It was therefore a gift.

cottageinthecountry · 17/01/2015 10:00

I would just give her the coat back. Then she can't go round telling everyone she bought her daughter a new coat. Stingy cow.

justabigdisco · 17/01/2015 10:01

Er, take it back then?

Only1scoop · 17/01/2015 10:01

optimist.... Good idea.

Notnaice · 17/01/2015 10:02

YANBU. Go with skatings response.

Notnaice · 17/01/2015 10:08

I've already said YANBU but just a thought.

Do you think she sees you spending money on things she sees as a waste of money? Does she think you don't prioritise money well? She's still being unreasonable but perhaps it was done out of concern rather than malice and meanness?

lovelydoggies · 17/01/2015 10:10

If it was only a loan she should have said so at the time then there would have been no confusion and you could have said no. As you're not a mind reader you obviously thought she was treating you. Why wouldn't you have?
Just say "oh sorry I thought it was a treat off you, I told you at the time how skint I was, I'll pay you back in small instalments if you like".....something like that anyway. YADNBU, tell her straight. I've noticed this often, people who have money just can't understand how it is when someone is flat broke, probably just thoughtlessness on her part, but she definitely needs it all explaining to her.

Jengnr · 17/01/2015 10:19

Sounds like she bought it for you to me. Does she have a history of this kind of unpleasantness?

Pagwatch · 17/01/2015 10:20

Oh come on.
Of course she has no responsibility to the op and her kitchen and holidays are not the point.
And of course the op is old enough not to be talked into things.

But her mother is being a fucking cow"
Telling someone they look scruffy and then, without being asked, dragging them into a shop to look for a new one, is bloody rude. The only possible excuse for such rudeness is if you are then generous.

She had the oppertunity to be generous. She chose instead to be both fucking rude and then tight fisted.
She is a cow.

Op . Give it back. Tell her you can't afford it and tell her you don't want to go shopping with her again as she seems simply to want to hector and humiliate you.

formerbabe · 17/01/2015 10:31

Peggy...The op doesn't sound the least bit entitled! Why would you begrudge your own daughter a £40 coat when you are comfortably off and she isn't? The op didn't ask her for it, her dm was pushing her to get it. Families help each other out, it's hardly entitled.

ilovesooty · 17/01/2015 10:38

I think your feelings about her discussing her income and expenditure are another matter and one you need to address with her if it bothers you.
However you deal with this don't be guilted in future into something you know you can't afford.

SaucyJack · 17/01/2015 10:44

It's a fair point that the DM might have concerns about how the OP spends her money Notnaice, but that doesn't mean her concerns are justified or that it's even any of her business.

It sounds to me (unless it was completely out of character) that she wants to retain the power and control that she had over the OP as a child by criticising her and dictating how she dresses, but at the OP's financial expense.

In fact, it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if she was asking for the money back when she knows her DD can't afford it so she can deliberately engineer a situation in which she can infantilise and criticise her DD further by extending her control to her finances now she's got her own way over her appearance.

Or maybe I'm wrong, and hopefully she was just having a bad day.

SaucyJack · 17/01/2015 10:45

"Looking for another stick to beat her with" is basically what I mean.

expatinscotland · 17/01/2015 10:55

Who the fuck are all these 'families' who would begrudge their own daughter a fucking £40 coat? For real? How fucking mean! On what planet would anyone assume it was a loan. She's a bitch.

Don't pay her jack shit.

Give her back the coat. Seriously. 'I thought it was a gift. I don't have the money to pay for this.' If she balks and tells you it is too late to return it, tell her, 'I don't have £40. You can have it back and sell it in.'

Get over to the Stately Homes thread and buy the book 'Toxic Parents' to learn some coping strategies on dealing with mean excuses for parents who don't deserve kids.

OVienna · 17/01/2015 10:58

What Pagwatch said.

ILovePud · 17/01/2015 11:02

Giving your mum the benefit of the doubt this may have just been a miscommunication but I'd explain that you thought it was a gift, wouldn't have accepted it if you'd realised it was a loan and offer to give the coat back to her. I wouldn't offer to repay and I wouldn't give in to any emotional blackmail, she needs to be clearer about what she means, it'll be for the best in the long run.

DoItTooJulia · 17/01/2015 11:08

Mom. You railroaded me into getting that coat. I told you I couldn't afford it. I still can't afford it. I can't pay you back for it and wouldn't have let you buy it if I'd have known you'd ask for the money now. How do you want to sort it out? I can give you the coat back or pay you £2 a month until it's paid back.

expatinscotland · 17/01/2015 11:17

No offers to pay her back. Here is the coat back. I thought it was a gift or I would have left it in the shop. I can't afford £40 for a coat.

But it's too late to return it.

Then you can sell it on.

No, you sell it on and give me the money.

I am not running a resale shop. Here is the coat back.

Stately Homes thread.

soonasthesunsets · 17/01/2015 11:24

When I read the post title I fully expected to read that she'd persuaded you to spend hundreds of pounds on a designer coat... which you then wanted her to pay for.

It's beyond horrid to see that she in fact duped you by pretending to sort you out to the tune of £40 and is now asking for it back. That is so mean. I agree with others who've said give the bloody coat back.

I have been in the financial position you are in and I know that if my mum commented on my shabby coat and dragged me into a shop to buy a (pretty cheap) new coat I'd be thinking she wants to treat me.

And "don't worry about it" to me means "I'll get this." Give it back and tell her not to interfere again.

GretnaGreen · 17/01/2015 11:54

YANBU. Why would anyone think "lian" when they'd said they didn't want the coat as they couldn't afford it and their mother who is not hard up said "don't worry about it, I'll help you out"? I would also have assumed that it was a gift not a loan. Blimey. OP, tell her the truth: she didn't make it clear it was a loan, you thought it was a gift, you can't afford to pay her back for it any more than you could have afforded to buy it then and there and she'll have to wait til you can. And you don't know when that will be which is why you DIDN'T WANT TO BUY THE BLOODY COAT.

GretnaGreen · 17/01/2015 11:54

*loan not lian

DixieNormas · 17/01/2015 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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