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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"medium" friend "spoke" with my dead DH

176 replies

reallyupsetwithF · 15/01/2015 23:05

Namechanged so if am recognised it isn't stuck to my usual name.

My DH died late last year.
I met my friend who I work with a year ago. She is a nice enough women but she does believe she is a medium. She offers card readings and ghost hunting tours to everyone and I am aware that some people have taken her up on the offer. (She does charge for these)

I don't believe in mediums, psychics or anything like that really. I don't mention my beliefs around her I just smile and nod or change the subject when she brings it up. Mostly because I don't want to get into a big thing about beliefs and have to debate about it mostly because nothing that she would tell me would change mind.

Since my DH died there was a Christmas party at work (which I didn't go to) where apparently some colleagues asked her to talk to my DH to make me feel better. She said that she couldn't just do it on tap and the spirits came to her (which she has said before including the first day I met her when she first said she was a medium)

I saw her today and she said she had something to tell me in private. So we met up briefly in the backroom at work and she said that she had a message last night and she thinks it is for me from DH. I said I was sorry but I didn't want to talk about it. I then left the room. Every time she saw me in work she kept asking me to listen as she thinks this is her gift and it is her duty to tell me. Other people were also telling me to listen to her in case I regret it.

In the end I said fine just tell me quickly. She told me that he said he was in a better place, not to worry, he was watching over us and misses us. She then used a nickname that DH used to use for me when we started going out (pretty sure I have told her that before but she acted like it was new information he had told her) I told her to stop now as it was upsetting me. I also told her that I would rather she didn't do this to me again. She said what if DH wants to pass a message to me again.

Now I was really annoyed at this point so I told her that my DH knew I didn't believe in mediums so I doubt he would try to contact me through her as he would know that I wouldn't believe her. She said that she was telling the truth. I said that if she was telling the truth why didn't she use her gift to find missing children rather than charging people to look at old houses and coloured cards. (Bad I know but I was upset and fed up)

Obviously she was upset, she went around crying to everyone about me being mean to her.

Now a part of me does feel bad as she can be quite nice and she may even believe to some extent that she is a medium. But a bigger part of me is annoyed A. That she kept pushing and B. That she used DH like that.

So was she unreasonable for trying to make me listen. Or am I just the unreasonable bitch who should have been more understanding or just let her get on with it and ignored her.

OP posts:
fishinabarrell · 16/01/2015 12:31

If she genuinely thought she could help she would be sorrowful not crying about how mean the op is for not listening to her. She's an attention seeker and needs a reality check and disciplinary.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/01/2015 12:37

I am shocked she would harp on like that. Whether one believes in such a 'gift' or not she was self-aggrandising and playing to the gallery involving colleagues.

I hope your supervisor was as good as her word and has raised this with HR today. If this woman or anyone else harasses you in future report it asap.

Kewcumber · 16/01/2015 12:41

Or am I just the unreasonable bitch who should have been more understanding

No she was the unreasonable bitch who should have been more understanding.

I think you handled it brilliantly in the circumstances and your other colleagues should feel ashamed of themselves. What she beleives (or they believe) is totally irrelevant. It's like the equivalent to a born again christian "baptizing" a Muslim colleague without their approval by flicking holy water at them. Its fucking insensitive and a gross invasion of your privacy.

You were more reasonable than I would have been - I think I'd have decked her!

Hatespiders · 16/01/2015 13:24

Of course YANBU op. It's irrelevant whether you 'believe' or not; you specifically asked this woman not to give you any 'messages from beyond the grave' and she persisted to the point where she upset you very much.

Personally I absolutely abhor this medium stuff. It's preying on grief, which is wicked. And telling a cancer sufferer in remission that their cancer will return and they'll die! Angry Outrageous and cruel.

I totally agree with the posters who said it's attention-seeking. And when she didn't get the attention she craved, she began to make an even bigger fuss with tears! It's you who have tears to shed, having lost your dh only a year ago. I'm so sorry for your loss, and sorry too that you've had this extra 'cross' to bear.
Flowers

HairyOrk · 16/01/2015 14:16

OP, im so sorry for you loss.

And for what it's worth, she's the inconsiderate bitch.

Missymum6 · 16/01/2015 14:22

Woman sounds like a bitch, you clearly said you didn't want to know. Id be wary of any medium giving me info that knew me already anyway. Sorry for your loss xx

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/01/2015 14:31

She was awful and you handled a difficult situation really well. I would raise the matter formally with HR as her persistance was a form of bullying.

LurcioAgain · 16/01/2015 15:00

What a cow! Whether or not she sincerely believes (or is a con artist) is irrelevant. The bereaved person's sensibilities trump those of the "concerned" onlooker (if indeed she was - sounds more like an interfering busybody to me).

I remember when I was a student a friend of mine died in an accident. The university chaplain came to see me (at the time I was a believer) and asked if his bereaved housemates would like a visit. I said that they were all atheists and would undoubtedly interpret it as her taking advantage of their bereavement to try to proselytize and would be deeply offended (regardless of what her actual intentions were). She went round anyway. They told her to fuck off (direct quote). I've no doubt she was upset by this, but it was her own daft fault for ignoring me.

VivienneRuns · 16/01/2015 15:18

It takes a very hard hearted person to take advantage of someone's grief in an attempt to exploit them at their most vulnerable. She's a very nasty, deceptive person, treat her like one.

There's a million dollar prize from the James Randi Educational Foundation for anyone who can prove themselves psychic, funnily enough it's never been claimed.

He has a lot of information on how people like this manipulate their victims weakness. If anybody knows a vulnerable person at risk they should point them in that direction before they get swindled.

Enormouse · 16/01/2015 15:27

This is truly despicable and you behaved with unbelievable restraint, OP. So sorry for your loss Flowers.

I attended Derren Browns last show and he was able to 'contact the dead' just through cold reading of audience members. Which is what the vast majority of so called psychics and mediums do. He said it made him feel dirty and like he was trampling on people's precious memories. I share his opinion on this. What this woman did was profoundly disrespectful.

Mammanat222 · 16/01/2015 15:30

I am completely incensed to read this post.

I cannot believe this woman? I would be reporting her and I'd also be mentioning your other colleagues who the fuck asks anyone to 'contact the dead' at a works xmas do? How fucking odd and twisted

OP - I am sorry for your loss and sorry that as well as dealing with your grief you have been left to deal with fuckwits at work x

CatCushion · 16/01/2015 16:42

Actually if this is bullying then you could sue her personally (keep it under your hat and get some free legal advice) as well as persuit through work channels.

samithesausage · 16/01/2015 16:46

She was out of order. If she really wanted to give you a message she should of written it down so you could read it in your own timew when you're ready.
I have no idea about mediums, but to force a message onto you wilst you are grieving is unforgivable.
The answer to "what if dh wants to send a message" is write it down and I will read it when I am ready!

JoanHickson · 16/01/2015 21:47

How did your boss deal with things?

carlywurly · 16/01/2015 22:02

Horrendous. I'm so sorry. I hope hr sock it to the lot of them.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 16/01/2015 22:12

YANBU that's disgusting way to treat someone. I know how you feel - DHs cousin is a "medium" fraud and about 2 weeks after my dad (who she never met or saw not even on a picture) died we were at a family dinner and she said in front of everyone (hadn't even been talking to her or about my dad once) "you have your dads chin you know" and smiled smugly. I was absolutely mortified as everyone heard and I didn't know what to say. I wanted to twat her. and she was wrong - I checked photos when I got home and I have his eyes, nose and mouth, but our chins are totally different. She used my dads death to try and convince family that she could see ghosts. Arse.

Sorry for your loss and that people are exploiting your feelings like this Flowers Im so pissed off on your behalf! I'd be requesting that she's moved elsewhere in the office as you can't work with people like that.

DodgedAnAsbo · 16/01/2015 23:45

She remembered a pet name, and brought it up. grrrr
just imagine if you had forgotten that you had shared that, you might have been full of doubt

This person is bad. I would go so far as to say evil

dragdownthemoon · 17/01/2015 09:12

I think the only possible way that this woman had any remote reason to do this would be if she genuinely thought she had a very important and specific message from your DH (as a previous poster said, buried diamonds...) and even in that case she could write it down for you and let you read it when you were ready. Or go find the diamonds for you ;)

As it is, she harassed you and then gave you a generic "message" and threw in an old pet name to try and appear genuine. She is awful, how can people pray on the vulnerable like that? I assume she was hoping you would hug her, say thank you so much, when can you contact him again and how much do you charge? Drumming up business for her fake services by abusing your grief. Utterly abhorrent.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. But I am impressed with how you handled the situation. And yes, why isn't she finding missing children or helping the police convict murderers?

I hope you can sort this out and she doesn't continue ton harass you xx

Catmint · 17/01/2015 09:31

I agree with other posters who have highlighted the staggering I inappropriateness of the colleagues asking this woman to contact your DH. Outrageous.

And the woman sounds an awful vulture.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Please pursue this matter.

teawamutu · 17/01/2015 09:33

I also really like the PP point about why the 'messages' are so bloody vague. If the alleged dead person is trying to say that, e.g., the necklace is in the box in the attic, and is capable of saying stuff like 'it's near something blue and on top of something belonging to dead relative' why not just farking BE SPECIFIC? I'd regard it as very PA behaviour on the part of my dead relatives, should it ever happen to me.

I used to go to medium shows with my friend, for a laugh. I remember one (bloke with a mystic plait) announcing sagely that one woman had been ill for a while while the believers looked thunderstruck. She was chalk white and we were in the middle of a heatwave; I could have made exactly the same prediction without dead informants.

I quite often know something's going to happen before it does, but I also know that, although completely useless at many things, I'm very good at connecting bits of information. I think it's a mixture of doing that sub-consciously, and forgetting, in human style, all the times when I'm wrongGrin.

AyMamita · 17/01/2015 09:49

YANBU AT ALL. Please make a formal complaint directly to HR.

MissWimpyDimple · 17/01/2015 09:55

It's disgusting behaviour. Report to your manager or HR. I would consider that harassment.

tiggerpigger · 17/01/2015 10:05

What a fucking bitch. I am very angry on your behalf. She could do with having her head kicked in.

CrispyFern · 17/01/2015 10:14

The woman must be very stupid or an utter cow or both. I hope they seriously tell her to quit this stuff at work.

Sorry for your loss.

BoredChurch · 17/01/2015 10:14

What a nasty woman.