To remove/not remove my child's fingers

[24digits]

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

I wouldn't have thought twice about it. The sooner the better.
My son had an operation under general anesthetic to bring down one of his testicles, he was 15 months old. Please don't worry too much about the anesthetic.

My DS was born with a port wine stain birthmark on his face. Between the ages of one and four he had at least five sessions of pulse dye laser treatment each with a GA to good effect.
It was purely cosmetic but I have never regretted doing it and neither has he. If it was a case of finding it difficult/impossible to buy shoes/gloves I would definitely do it.

I would do it. I would think it the best decision for him.

I would have the extra fingers and toes removed.

Congratulations on your new baby and I completely understand how protective you feel about your tiny little one.

Can you think about the practicalities of living with polydactyly? Like learning to use a computer keyboard, playing musical instruments, operating equipment or machinery.

Unfortunately life is set up for people with 20 digits. Tiny things every day would remind you and him that he was different - how you and he react to that depends on your personalities. For example playing "this little piggy" or singing the "where are you" song on your fingers, or even learning to count in school.

Obviously if he wanted to embark on a life of crime it's never a good idea to have distinguishing marks

I was expecting to see much more mixed views and am surprised to see so many people in favour of removal.
I don't think I would choose to operate.
Children do not always get bullied for their differences. We have a friend whose son has only tiny stumps instead of fingers on one hand and he isn't bullied - a combination of self -confidence instilled by his parents and much better education these days on how everyone is different in different ways. Not that bullying doesn't exist but in my experience it's less likely to be using physical difference as an excuse.

Having 6 fingers can be awesome if they are all fully functional and you focus on developing dexterity skills with all on them. You could play more complex piano pieces than any other pianist, and some other instruments too. You could do more magic tricks with the additional dexterity. You might have special abilities in complex fine-motor skill use like constructing electronics or watches. You might be envied by your peers - or you might not but at least you'd accept yourself as yourself.

I would be more uncomfortable with the potential impact of categorising this as a problem to be fixed. Firstly it tells the child that he was born not-good-enough and had to be made normal by doctors before he was acceptable. Secondly it sends the message that only uniformity is ok and diversity is out.

It's not a disability to have six fingers. It's a rare but valid part of the diversity of humanity. No-one would suggest operating on a baby to remove other rare non-disabling differences.

I was expecting to see much more mixed views and am surprised to see so many people in favour of removal.
I don't think I would choose to operate.
Children do not always get bullied for their differences. We have a friend whose son has only tiny stumps instead of fingers on one hand and he isn't bullied - a combination of self -confidence instilled by his parents and much better education these days on how everyone is different in different ways. Not that bullying doesn't exist but in my experience it's less likely to be using physical difference as an excuse.

Having 6 fingers can be awesome if they are all fully functional and you focus on developing dexterity skills with all on them. You could play more complex piano pieces than any other pianist, and some other instruments too. You could do more magic tricks with the additional dexterity. You might have special abilities in complex fine-motor skill use like constructing electronics or watches. You might be envied by your peers - or you might not but at least you'd accept yourself as yourself.

I would be more uncomfortable with the potential impact of categorising this as a problem to be fixed. Firstly it tells the child that he was born not-good-enough and had to be made normal by doctors before he was acceptable. Secondly it sends the message that only uniformity is ok and diversity is out.

It's not a disability to have six fingers. It's a rare but valid part of the diversity of humanity. No-one would suggest operating on a baby to remove other rare non-disabling differences.

Hi op

Dd was born with an extra thumb and we spent the last year having exactly that debate before taking a deep breath & going ahead with the operation in December. It is an incredibly hard decision, but she came through so well (she only needed calpol for a day) and now has a much better use of her hand because of it. I have no regrets at all. she still won't keep her bloody gloves on though

Feel free to pm me if you want any details

I would leave them if it was my ds. But then I don't give in to closed minds. My ds has Asperger syndrome and I would hate for him to be bullied because of who he is.

But then I was bullied without having any physical differences. Don't let future bullying be what makes you decide on unnecessary surgery that could possibly have complications due to his age.

In terms of practical effects, I suspect it may affect things like learning to type or playing musical instruments as the instruments themselves and teaching methods are all set up on the assumption that people have eight fingers and two thumbs.

I would.
A relative had the opposite... Born with a "lobster claw" hand with 3 fingers missing. She had an operation at 10 to have two toes grafted on to her hand

Interestingly she was never bullied at school......and is now a successful artist and designer.

I would consider what is best for the DC in the long run

I would do it. I had to assess a little boy with extra digits when I was newly qualified in my profession and it is the only time in my working life I felt really conscious of wanting to stare at something. I clearly didn't, but I felt terribly guilty that he would pick up on MY spontaneous intrusive, unwanted desire to, and subsequent feelings of awkwardness about wanting to, and not know why. A lot of children who stammer, for example, end up feeling crap about themselves not because they are bullied but because stammering often evokes feelings of embarrassment in a listener who will, even though trying not to, look away or somehow subtly change their behaviour, often inadvertently. It's tough to live with those reactions from others, and if they can be removed before this is an issue, I would plump for that (though I think it's perfectly valid not to want to remove them too, as he is, after all, perfect just as he is).

Oh, just reading through thread a bit, I would say if they are fully functional that's entirely different... For the boy I saw they were about a third of the size of regular fingers and non-functional.

I would have them removed as I believe it would be in the best interests of the child.

thats a real toughie. Id feel weird about it too, but i think id serioisly consider to have them removed, both for practical reasons and for social reasons, but id feel sad about it and make sure i took pictures beforehand for her own records

I'd be inclined to remove the fingers for psychological and bullying reasons. I would have left the toes except it seems that for physical shoe reasons they may need to be done too.

Yes, I think you should go for it. Tough decision. No operation is great especially one that seems so unnecessary but short term pain for long term gain.

No, I wouldn't remove fully functional digits. I agree with many posters who say bullying is no reason to change anyone. Incidentally to go back to stammering, much of the therapy is learning to recognise that people's awkwardness is a dynamic and if you can appear not self conscious about your stammer, maintain eye contact, keep talking, smile, people don't react... It may still be tough but life is tough. As you can tell, there's stammering in my family and my boy stammers but our focus in therapy has been to make him a confident communicator, not to focus him on controlling his speech to make it more acceptable to others.

I would do the toes.

Not the fingers.

Yeah, children are cruel, but IME bullies bully people who don't stand up for themselves and aren't very confident in themselves. I was bullied for bad acne but one of the most popular girls in school had it worse than me. If I didn't have acne they would have found something else to bully me over. They bullied me because I was timid and lacked confidence. The acne was the thing they chose but if I didn't have it they would have found something else.

Many people in school has a physical trait they could be bullied over and aren't. I wouldn't make my decision on that fear. He could get bullied with or without extra fingers but I bet if he grows up confident over it that will be less likely to happen. People get bullied for being pretty, unattractive, being too skinny, too fat, for being blonde, a red head and so on. IMO that is not a reason to remove extra fingers.

It is a hard decision OP but I personally think its a part of him, how he was born and I would be reluctant to change how he was born unless it effected his quality of life, and I see no reason why this would.

The toes would be removed if I thought shoe wearing would be uncomfortable or if I think I would be unable to buy shoes for him when he is older.

Good luck with your decision

I think it is not your choice to make OP. It is his body. To my mind there is a world of difference between correcting, say, a squint, and chopping off fully functioning digits. Also, there is presumably a chance that his kids may have polydactylism too. So potentially in choosing to operate, you are also leaving a legacy of surgery for your grandchildren too.

Like a pp, I also thought of circumcision. Like with circumcision, if your son chooses, he could have operations later in life. I think he would understand your leaving the decision up to him. But if you went ahead and down the line he said he wished it hadn't been done, nothing will bring the digits back.

As it seems like a purely cosmetic issue ( though I suppose possibly as he grows this may turn out not to be the case in which case everything would be very different, if for example they did not continue to devel

12 fingers could be useful really. Definite advantage in piano playing for example.

I agree that future bullying is not something to base the decision on.

I think I would find this an incredibly difficult decision and would be torn.

I think I'd consider what my wider family, and DH's wider family are/were like. I think a 24 digit child would be welcome and although there might be one or two relatives who would counsel to have the operation(s), most would be thinking of ways to help the child feel welcome and accepted, without the difference completely defining them. We don't have any olympians or musicians in the family.

I remember a girl in my reception class who had an extra digit growing out of one hand sideways. She couldn't move this sideways growing finger. She had two fingers and a thumb on the other hand, and a nubbin with no feeling. Her parents had left the decision of what to do in the hope that they would be useful to her, but at age 5/6 they all decided to operate to have the sideways growing digit removed. So the operation can be done at that kind of age, if the child really wants it.

You can move from schools where there is bullying, but most schools will have other children with all kinds of differences and should have a culture of acceptance and inclusion.

Teasing is a part of most childrens lives...I'd rather my child learned how to accept it and deal with it rather than do it! The thing about making these changes is how does it then affect how the child relates to others? Will it make them feel inferior or superior to have had this done to them?

I think I would also want to meet (or at least talk online to) others who have chosen to not remove the digits.

I'm still undecided but I am swayed more by the arguments for keeping the digits, over the ones for removal.

If it were a cochlear implant, I'd be against getting one for my child (DH would want one for a deaf child - good job we don't have a deaf child). This is because I think the risk far outweighs the gains. Nothing to do with bullying; everything to do with operating on the brain and the chance it might not work. I don't judge others who have CIs, nor would I try to persuade someone out of it, but the reality is an extra thing for a child to have to deal with, many appointments through life and replacement operations every 15 years or so,, and it doesn't actually completely fix anything.

If it were anything cosmetic that is the 'normal' thing to do, I'd go with it and get it done (braces or veneers for teeth; lazer treatment for wine stain birth mark, etc.) Because I don't see those as a part of the child's identity and there isn't the same level of risk as, say, a CI.

Equally I'd want any procedure offered which would greatly benefit the long term health of my child. I'd never refuse something like a blood transfusion, or an operation to enable them to use their existing fingers.

I don't think you can make a wrong choice here. There are strong arguments on both sides of the debate. The most important thing is that you do whatever you do out of love for your child and that is what he growns up knowing (and that the other choice is also a loving decision for many people too, clearly!)

Very hard decision for you. It saddens me to read that so many posters expect this baby is be bullied and have pschological problems due to the extra digits - I really don't know if that is the case.

The point about the gloves is a very important one. It's not just about wearing mittens.

There are many professions where fingered gloves are needed, off the top of my head:
healthcare and medicine
science
caterering
gardening.

How will the extra fingers effect his overal co-ordination? Again, many jobs rely on good co-ordination eg. mechanic/engineer/artist.

It may seem trivial, but will he be able to play music?

I would be more uncomfortable with the potential impact of categorising this as a problem to be fixed. Firstly it tells the child that he was born not-good-enough and had to be made normal by doctors before he was acceptable. Secondly it sends the message that only uniformity is ok and diversity is out.

This.

Surgery simply because 12 fingers isn't the norm makes me a bit uneasy.

I'm really saddened that people take the 'kids are cruel' stance - I know it exists as parent of three kids with varying disabilities but WHY aren't you as parents trying to do something about that?

Why don't you challenge the undesirable, frankly nasty behaviour?
When DS1 came home parroting homophobic language he'd overheard at school I did something about it. He knows now you don't say those things.

Why is it allowed to happen? You're parents, so parent!

I honestly don't know what I would do... But if you left it and he chose to remove them, would it be harder to recover from in future as he would have learnt to do things with 6 digits?