To remove/not remove my child's fingers

[24digits]

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

Yes, what I meant was that I was checking my own name change had worked as, as you have said, it's a very identifiable condition!
My dd was 13m at the time of surgery, operation was 3 hours.

Just discovered Halle Berry has 6 toes on her right foot Doesn't stop her wearing nice shoes ...

Congratulations on your baby boys safe arrival!

I agree with most of the posters and would go for removal of extra digits and would do it sooner than later.
good luck, I imagine it will be a hard decision to make even though most of us feel the operations would be beneficial in the long shot.

*boy's

I would do remove them

Wow. I just read all that! Congrats on your squishy baby! I'm sure whatever you do will ultimately be right but equally need to be addressed with your child at an appropriate age. Surely you could actually have shoes made- I know several people with various conditions who have "special" shoes. I'm sure they are expensive but definitely possible! Mittens are great but I'm sure you could get gloves for most things too. What a potential advantage for piano playing or lots of other things. I'm sorry the thread got about bitey higher up. I wish you well

I have a relative who's son was born with an extra thumb on ome hand. Not fully functioning though. She chose to have it removed.

She later made the decision for him to have cochlear implants. She received a lot of nasty messages from her friends within the deaf community saying she should accept him for who he is. It's not her decision to make etc etc.

She just did the best she could with the knowledge she had.

I have no advice op. But congratulations on your new baby. And good luck with your decisions :)

I would say no as there is always a risk with a general anaesthetic and it seems that it is only for cosmetic reasons at present. if he chooses to have them removed later it would be his choice to go through the pain and risk.

24digits

I know this thread is moving fast and there is a lot of info to take in but I just wanted to say

whatever decision you make for your child will be the right one

In the end it doesn't really matter if you choose to go ahead with it or not as either way it will be the best decision for your son because you made it out of love!

This thread is covered in the love you feel for him so don't panic you and dh will do what you feel is best

about waiting till he is an adult - a friend of mine had to have her 2nd toes on both feet straightened (or re-set) - they caused a lot of trouble and pain and now she is happy she went for the surgery as everything healed well.

but when it was done she was in a lot of pain afterwards, couldn't work for months, couldn't walk, had both feet in plaster casts beyond the expected 6 weeks (I think it was about 10 weeks at the end) as her bones didn't heal as quickly as should have.
she lost a lot of muscle tone due to not walking, had to have physio etc etc

it isn't something that could've been done as a child, but she wished she could have avoided surgery as sn adult.

best to do it now I reckon

If I were in your position OP I think I'd probably go with the tide and remove, but that is from my perspective, I was bullied thru 4 schools, and didn't develop any self confidence til my twenties.
I however think it would be a great thing to decide to keep them, they need not be a hindrance of any kind. Especially if it's likely to recur in your/his future family, it shouldn't be a source of shame. You might need to put in some extra legwork early on to teach him the confidence to deal with other people's attention, but that could be a massive bonus.

Perhaps consider it in comparison to Americans who routinely circumcise their boys - again, no medical need to remove a functional part of their child's body, but it's largely done because it makes them like everyone else (it's not just a Jewish thing there), and that isn't automatically a bad choice. Being the same as their peers is what most children crave, and most people choose the easier path.

Whatever you decide, maybe write in his baby book about how you came to your decision, so that when he's older he understands why you chose that path.
Congratulations on your lovely boy :)

I'm reluctantly admitting I probably would have non-functioning fingers (or a very impressive non-functioning ear!) removed, after a bit of soul-searching. But when the child has more of something useful, as 24's baby does, I can't help seeing it as something close to defilement. I have met a few people with 6 working fingers on at least one hand, and with 4. It's not really that uncommon - and the point is, you don't notice for a while.
Extra fingers genuinely do come in useful for manual tasks. (The one at the top of my mind is tying the bow on a gift, but there are loads of more important things!)

I've changed my mind about what I'd do three or four times just reading this thread; I can't imagine being faced with the decision for real.

Do you have scope to meet some children or adults whose parents (and later themselves) have decided against surgery, to get a sense of how things have gone for them?

I would remove. Children (and adults) can be incredibly cruel and will pick up on anything slightly different, from glasses to red hair. Recovery would be much easier too I imagine at such a young age.

I was born with a fairly noticeable cyst on the bridge of my nose. No-one would remove it before I was a teenager but my parents found a private plastic surgeon and it was removed in a quick GA surgery when I was 6. My mum always said that it saved me from bullying and confidence / self esteem issues as a teen.

My dd was born with a large lipoma on her bum. At the time of birth it stretched nearly from one side of her body to the other.

This also contained her spinal cord so surgery was a dangerous option.

We were told that if we wanted it removed for cosmetic reasons that the surgery could go ahead when she reached six months.

For me there wasn't a decision. The surgery carried greater risks than leaving dd intact.
In the long run surgery did become medically necessary and dd is fine.

Icebeing is clumsily (angrily) trying to a very important point.

Where do you draw the line, would you let your 5 year old have a nose job because there nose was 'too' big and they were being bullied?
Remove their foreskin because all the other children have?
Let them dye they're red hair brown?
Shave or wax?

Op my gut feeling here is that you don't want to.
It's ok to make the decision.
It's ok to delay that decision.
Before dds surgery I decided that if when she was older she wanted surgery to remove the lipoma and she was consistent in doing so for 1 year provided she made an effort to understand the risks involved in an age appropriate way. I would support her decision.

Congratulations op, be proud of your perfect baby and don't forget to get a good hand / foot print set either way as you'll be amazed how quickly you forget that were ever that tiny.

DS3 has an extra thumb. He manages just fine. He plays several musical instruments, and has never been bullied about them, and has independent movement in both thumbs on that hand.

If is was me, I would have his toes done, as shoes would be difficult otherwise, but leave the hands as they are. After all, you don't know how the nerves are connected, and whether he will be left with usable digits afterwards. Maybe this is what you need to ask.

1. Will his hands look normal afterwards.

1. Will he have full use of his hands after an op.

1. Will he need any further surgery as he grows older.

If the answer to any of the above is no, or they don't know, don't do it.

It's not just a case of outright bullying. It's a case of, constantly having people stare at your fingers (and then look away), always having to field the same stupid questions again and again, continually wondering whether that person is treating your oddly because of your fingers or because of something else....

I would remove them, sorry.

I would give my son the operation for both feet and hands. I would do what CallMeExhausted says and "... contact parents who have experience with this situation."

I would get support in place for myself before the operations, from people who know.

Ultimately it must be your decision, you and his dad, but I would personally be guided by the doctors about if/when/how to do it.

Self esteem is very important, it is possible people can overcome all kinds of things but if the operation is safe (within the normal bounderie of what is safe) then I would go for it.

Good luck for you all.

always having to field the same stupid questions again and again, continually wondering whether that person is treating your oddly because of your fingers or because of something else....

I'm sorry, I just don't get this. Do people go through life without having to field the same stupid questions again and again? Does anybody know why somebody's treating them 'oddly'?

I can't believe for one second that lopping off perfectly adequate body parts will achieve this miraculous effect. I mean, I understand why OP & DH are considering it, but I feel most of the arguments are pretty weak. It's almost as though everyone wants all children to be altered so they match ... that is not exactly what I'm trying to say, but I'm too tired to get it out more clearly.

Herrena

you can't possibly be serious about comparing surgery of this kind to waxing or dying your hair

they are not generally necessary for adults so I can not see how they could be justified for children. sorry, but very silly things to liken this situation to.

on the other hand pinning back ears or fixing crooked teeth are not always (rarely?) medically necessary IIRC, but of course people get them done to avoid finger pointing. and why not?

whether the surgery is medically necessary or not will surely be a huge part of the decision making and is a very valid point of yours of course
but 24digits makes a valid point about the potential emotional impact on her son later in life.

Fear of difference. That's what I'm finding uncomfortable. It's not an impediment, it's not particularly noticeable (less so than red hair, I'd say), it won't lead to health issues later on. It's just slightly different.

Anyway, there's obviously more to this than Mumsnet for the 24 family, so I'll leave them to it. Congrats on your gorgeous baby, 24!

I would do it and if he isn't mobile yet I'd do it soon. Before he has to relearn walking and grasping etc

Gallic, you're right, it's not an impediment and it is just slightly different. Other posters have said that it wouldn't bother them to have extra digits, and I don't think it would bother me. But I am a 40 something with a few decades of confidence, wit and retorts under my belt. I wouldn't care about double takes, staring, raised eyebrows, whispering, questions..... Would it have bothered me aged 6? Aged 9? Aged 14? Hell, yes.

There are professional sportspeople in our family and i know a couple of olympian athletes so my thinking is swayed by this. I would imagine that - if his toes are not operated on now - although he may be able to get trainers in the future, he may have significant problems should sport become a passion.

I imagine as well that an operation done later will require him to recalibrate his gait and balance and could be significant. A diabetic relative had a couple of toes removed as an adult (not extra ones) and the physical adjustment was enormously difficult and prolonged.

Id not hesitate to do the toes before he started walking. Fingers, to be honest, I'd probably leave.