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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove/not remove my child's fingers

573 replies

24digits · 13/01/2015 22:41

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

OP posts:
wavesandsmiles · 14/01/2015 15:49

24 I don't post on here very often but had to come out of my relative silence to congratulate you on your beautiful DS - and what a wonderful photo of a gorgeous, perfect hand you have so kindly shared with us.

I couldn't imagine choosing the route of "removal" - like others have said, there are countless things that make each one of us different, and I am genuinely sad at the number of people who are saying "remove" to make him "the same" and avoid bullying. Really, really sad. Your little boy has the most beautiful fingers and I love that the extra piggy has turkey Smile Oh, and I "look" perfectly normal but was horrifically bullied through school. I think it is not necessarily true that looking different results in increased probability of bullying - yes years ago, but children are far more tolerant now of physical (and other) differences.

If my baby had such a beautiful hand as yours no WAY could I do anything to change it.

(I'm also a musician and WOW, with an extra functioning finger on each hand the repertoire I could stretch to would be AMAZING).

mix56 · 14/01/2015 16:15

Sweetest little hand !
I have just read all these posts, & would be miserable trying to decide, but I think for the feet yes..(practicality)
for the hands obviously it will be better asap if you are going that route, but if the fingers grow at the same rate & all function properly then I would hesitate although gloves/music etc issues could be a decider, but if the metacarpals are not all in the right place & the fingers don't grow in harmony I think I would remove.... however it does look (now) like his pinkie is just that, the next finger in looks too long to be a pinkie, so if the pinkie was removed he wouldn't necessarily end up with a "classic" hand anyway...
As for asking people on forums who have extra fingers, or have had an extra finger removed... well they have had to live with what they have had, or not had , so it's hard to have a unbiased opinion. I would think that the people who's opinion you need would be people who had made the choice to remove as an adult, or any arising difficulties from having 6......
So I would do the toes, & get X-rays of the hands to see if the bones etc on the little fingers are all "complete". & probably speak to another surgeon
For what it's worth, I don't think bullying should affect your decision..

CMOTDibbler · 14/01/2015 16:19

I'd leave it for now, and see how the extra fingers function - if they move under his control, great, but if they aren't connected to the tendons correctly, then that might be more of a reason to remove them.
I have a useless hand, and my little finger sticks out the other way (over the back of my hand) than the others and it is a pita as it gets caught on things all the time, and I can imagine flappy fingers might be the same

NonUrinatInVentum · 14/01/2015 16:32

Unfortunately in our society anything that makes you stand out from "the norm" or different will attract the wrong kind of attention.

I would have them removed.

BlueBrightBlue · 14/01/2015 16:33

This has somewhat changed the way I feel about having the extra digits removed.

PterodactylTeaParty · 14/01/2015 16:38

I have a condition that has affected the way my eyes function and look. My parents went ahead with the operations to improve function when I was a young child, but left the choice about whether to have a final, cosmetic, operation up to me when I turned 13. (I don't know why 13, presumably they thought that was old enough to decide for myself.)

Obviously this is not the same as your son's condition. The only effects of having/not having that final operation for me would have been cosmetic, but I don't know much about polydactyly, so maybe that's not the case for your son - it sounds like maybe function would be affected differently if he had the op anyway but had it as an older child? I don't know.

I will say, though, that if the decision for you comes down in the end to whether or not it'll look weird and whether or not he'll get bullied - my choice as a teenage girl with a noticeable (although not major) facial issue was not to have the operation, and to be glad my parents had not made that choice for me as a child. And I was bullied at school, but not for that.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/01/2015 16:47

BlueBrightBlue that's a fantastic video, and it was really interesting to see the actively positive attitude all the kids had about their 12 fingers.

Okay, DS home from school, talked to him again. I've already said he was horrified by the idea of me removing functioning fingers, as extras would be "cool". He had now expanded "cool" to "very swaggy" (apparently a thing the Young People say to indicate approval) and said that his main emotion on learning another kid had extra digits would be mild envy.

What do all your kids think?

ArcheryAnnie · 14/01/2015 16:48

my friend (who's a pianist) wrote a piece for her that could only be played by a twelve-fingered pianist.

Oh, leedy, that's brilliant!

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 14/01/2015 16:49

Oh gosh what a sweet hand.

I can see your dilema op and to be honest - if the fingers continue like that who would notice?

I am really sorry not RT but has anyone with musical experience mentioned violins, guitar playing, anything like that?

I know my dear sis had a complex due to a very short little finger, she felt nervous about it Confused. She couldn't play violin with it.

The foot however, I think its a different story and I would not hesitate to get that done.

FiveLittlePeas · 14/01/2015 16:51

I don't understand the bit about him being too young for X rays... my son had an X ray when he was 2 weeks old (to assess the degree of kidney reflux). Surely no one can completely assess this baby's condition without an Xray or two... or even perform the operation if that is the parent's decision in the end. I would not be able to decide without that element, as a previous poster said, it would show joints, bones, etc. I am amazed that the surgeons are being so little help in this.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/01/2015 16:51

WillBeat a few posts above yours, there's a video of a young man with twelve fingers playing the guitar!

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 16:52

archery I'm sure most of our kids would think it cool but would they give consideration as to the practical implications or are they just thinking of appearance? I suspect my daughter wouldn't think about mobility, buying clothing etc so no point me really asking her as it doesn't help the op make her decision.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 14/01/2015 16:53

its very hard but one more thought should you get them removed - hand and foot, all of this will soon be forgotten ( your angst, his pain ) and down to family folklore...

if you dont however you are leaving him with "something" to deal with - that could have been dealt with, even if this means no bullying - however it does mean gloves, and all the other little things and probably plenty more that have never been mentioned. Also something that may affect his confidence esp in teenage years and who knows he may be proud of his digigits but also he may think why did you not deal with this for me, when you had the chance...

op if this was you - how woulc you and your dh feel> would you have wanted your folks to sort it out?

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 14/01/2015 16:54

oop Blush sorry annie.

Greywackejones · 14/01/2015 16:55

He will be bullied for something. Regardless whether he has extra fingers or not. And it won't be what your expecting either.

He will also be special for more than his hands. Also for something unexpected,

I'd remove them. But it's not our life. You can only do your best. Whatever you choose that is, good luck

ConferencePear · 14/01/2015 16:55

When I was child there was a pair of elderly blacksmiths in our village (father and son) who had this condition and claimed it was an advantage.

BlueBrightBlue · 14/01/2015 16:57

After surgery, not a good outcome for this young man.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/01/2015 16:59

Nicknacky the reason I asked my kid, and suggested people ask theirs, is that there are dozens and dozens of posts on this thread saying the OP's son will be bullied if the extra fingers stay, as children can't tolerate difference. I thought this was unlikely to be true.

BlueBrightBlue · 14/01/2015 17:02

At school, 2 girls had Poland syndrome which really is a disability, however they were both confident and outgoing and had more than their fair share of boy's chasing them.

I initially had the impression that the little boy in question had non functioning extra toes.

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 17:03

archery I can say with confidence that my daughter wouldn't bully anyone either but unfortunately we know there are children that will, albeit they are in the minority.

Like I have said, I have made a similar decision to the op and my daughter will have surgery in the summer. Although bullying never actually featured in my decision but it is a valid consideration.

FiveLittlePeas · 14/01/2015 17:04

Children cannot tolerate the difference if that's what they've been taught. I hope those who say "remove" are teaching their kids to be tolerant - with their example rather that with politically correct statements.

leedy · 14/01/2015 17:07

I'm constantly surprised by what children will be completely matter-of-fact about if everyone else is. DS1 (5) will discuss at length whether "Batman is for girls" but has yet to pass any kind of remark on the fact that one of his friends has lesbian parents (other than "oh yeah, D's mammy and mammy got married last week") and another has CP.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/01/2015 17:11

That's true, leedy. I had a foster sister when I was very, very little who had a colostomy bag. I do understand it could have gone either way, but the rest of us siblings thought it was SO COOL, if we thought about it at all.

Newrule · 14/01/2015 17:12

Fivelittlepeas, the majority of people are tolerant but there will always be a minority who isn't. Be it race, gender, religion, nationality and in general whether foreign, height, more than 10 fingers, disabilities, nose, hair colour, etc there will be a minority who will tease or discriminate on based on these.

I teach my child tolerance but it is a fact that there will always be a minority because the world has its cruel side.

wishmiplass · 14/01/2015 17:19

Aw - what a lovely little hand! I wouldn't remove - I couldn't bear the thought of putting my DS through it. And - I can't actually "see" an extra digit (unless I count them). I think it would be more obvious if you remove, as the second to last finger doesn't look anything like a pinky IYSWIM.