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Original poster

To remove/not remove my child's fingers

573 replies

24digits · 13/01/2015 22:41

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

OP posts:
TrixAreForKids · 14/01/2015 13:58

I would remove. I'd just think about how his life would be and the constant bullying he'd receive about it. I know it's a really tough decision but as you said - you don't know how they will grow - he may lose feeling in them (they may not have any nerve receptors) or they may not move as he grows up.
also looking at the picture, it looks like the 5th finger (nott he pinky) is the odd one out, he may have to reshape the hand if you do have it done
at the end of the day it's completely up to you, i would think of him and his life, though, personally. do what you think is best x

bishboschone · 14/01/2015 13:58

My son was born with ptosis ( one droopy eyelid ) I have so far refused operations to fix it . The reasons are it isn't that noticeable and isn't affecting his eyesight , also they can't convince me 100% that it will be fixed and not worse . So I can understand your worries . My ds has had a general for grommets already so I'm not too worried about that . However fingers and toes and very obvious and are going to cause him upset at school.. If it were me I would get them removed . Good luck ..

ArcheryAnnie · 14/01/2015 14:01

Trix why do you think there would be "constant bullying"? Are your own kids not very accepting of difference?

emms1981 · 14/01/2015 14:01

Looking from the bullying angle, kids will find anything to pick on and can be utterly vile.
I have a curved spine so was called a hunchback for the last few years of school life and I have a big round nose so was called a monkey. This never stopped and happened daily, it effected my life I have no confidence.
My eldest son was born with a hearing problem and so needs to wear 2 hearing aids. I hoped he wouldn't be effected at school but sadly he is, he's 7 and gets bullied.

GallicIsCharlie · 14/01/2015 14:02

fingers and toes are very obvious

Seriously? Do you think they're very obvious in the two photos I posted, and in OP's picture?

FiveLittlePeas · 14/01/2015 14:02

I've seen the picture. His hand is perfect as it is. My view is "if it ain't broken, don't fix it".

ArcheryAnnie · 14/01/2015 14:04

(And on reflection, Trix, I'm sorry for the slightly goady post - it was just the final straw in seeing all these people who could not imagine that difference could exist without it being a source of bullying.)

emms1981 · 14/01/2015 14:05

Aww i just saw the picture, beautiful little hand.

wanttosqueezeyou · 14/01/2015 14:08

Bearlet non-consensual "normalisation surgery"

Such as?

Solo · 14/01/2015 14:09

I would remove.
Growing up, I had (simply) chubby cheeks and was bullied for it, with my cheeks being pinched and pulled at daily by my peers. I even had this happen to me by an ex work colleague at age 40 ! Angry
People young and old pick up on differences and many will be mean and nasty about those differences ~ even grown adults. It didn't make me stronger, I was a loner and had no confidence and if I was in your situation OP and could have the differences taken away, I definitely would. You never, ever forget those negative incidents; they affect you forever IME.

And I agree with Exit, it looks very much like there is an extra ring finger as opposed to the little finger.

GallicIsCharlie · 14/01/2015 14:10

But I got bullied at some of my schools and was completely ordinary Confused One of my nephews was badly bullied as a redhead. My friend's DS, who's been horrendously bullied, has no outstanding features (except to his parents, of course.)

Bullying simply isn't straightforward cause-and-effect. It's all about crowd dynamics and whether you have the bad luck to be there at the same time as a particular bully.

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 14:10

beautiful picture OP.

There is simply no way I would opt for surgery on such a perfect hand, without the consent of the person whose hand it is.

I need to bow out of this because I have said all I can and all I should.

engeika · 14/01/2015 14:11

I wouldn't but I can understand why you would

ArcheryAnnie · 14/01/2015 14:11

You have it exactly right, GallicIsCharlie.

Sallystyle · 14/01/2015 14:12

Awww

No way would I remove those beautiful perfect fingers.

MaidOfStars · 14/01/2015 14:13

Gallic I don't think either of those hand conformations looks weird. I wonder if our brains play one of those little tricks on us when looking at hands - we don't really look, we just insert our own mental picture into the space. Assuming that the most common mental picture of a hand has five digits, and because, thumb aside, the remaining digits look mostly the same, we "see" five fingers.

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 14:16

maid that's a good point. I don't think any of us meet someone and consciously or otherwise count their fingers.

Shedding · 14/01/2015 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 14/01/2015 14:18

Sorry to lower the tone but I think this is relevant:

www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1u75hh/i_am_the_guy_with_two_penises_ama

It is interesting to see how he feels about himself now as an adult, and when he was kid. Also interesting to see how anonymous people on the internet react to him.

Newrule · 14/01/2015 14:18

ArcheryAnn this is not cosmetic surgery. Your race cannot be and should not be regarded as a physical deformity that may impact on your ability to properly use your hands, body, or brains.

I am surprised you use race as an analogy.

notagainffffffffs · 14/01/2015 14:20

I would leave it until he was older if that is at all possible, when he can decide for himself.
I know 2 guys my age who have grown up with deformed hands- one has only 3 fingers and the other has a stump so wears a hook. Both are very confident and somewhat bizarrely both are very accomplished musicians. They were oftwn defended by people who knew them well and both have very tight social circles/lovely parents.
I dont think the lovely little hands look deformed at all! I think its unusual but beautiful too

ConfusedInBath · 14/01/2015 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnowLondon · 14/01/2015 14:22

I would go ahead with removal of feet and toes.

He would get hell in school Sad Sad Sad

trice · 14/01/2015 14:24

I hope my dcs would never bully anyone or make mean comments about bodily differences. I would have their hides! The posters saying that he would be bullied must know some nasty children.

I think his hand is perfect. Ds has a large facial birthmark. I worried about it when he was tiny as I thought people would be mean. Actually he has had very little trouble over it. Please go with your own instincts and let him be himself.

NoLongerJustAShopGirl · 14/01/2015 14:24

my DD(14)'s first thought was "WOW just THINK what I could play on the piano if I had 2 extra fingers - that would be TOTALLY ace.... "