To remove/not remove my child's fingers

[24digits]

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

I would get rid of toes for the practicality of shoes but leave the fingers.

They'd be useful if they are fully functioning. Seems silly to even consider cutting them off to me I mean I'd get it if they were just floppy bits of skin but they are working fingers!

I think people on MN don't always get bulling. Most of the time all these obvious things don't get someone bullied. At my school we had one girl with only a thumb and little finger and a boy with twelve fingers. This was a london comp school and they weren't ever teased about it. The girl was at my primary too and was actually part of the popular set.

Hard. .

Provided there was no downside to removal, I would do it, for both hands and feet, and I would do it sooner rather than later.

Choc he's 13. I'm not surprised at his reaction, but then I've brought him up to be accepting of difference.

Not the same issue but my DS had a physical imperfection that he was born with and had surgery to correct. After the op and still now, 5 years on many (adult) friends and family tell me how much better he looks now after surgery which makes me sad in a way but also that the surgery, although not necessary, was the right decision.
He's always been perfect to us, before and after the surgery.

The gloves thing...it's not just gloves v mittens is it? So many lab/surgery based jobs require surgical gloves. It's not a frivolous aspect. Neither is shoe buying. Poor OP, you must be going backwArds & forwards trying to second guess every outcome.

Sorry I didn't realise the extra digits are full operational/formed.
Not such a small operation then
I'd still get them removed, the stigma and bullying.
I think it would be more traumatic for him to have the operation when he's older.
I think he'll thank you when he's older.

OP, I really am going but had one more thought which may be useful.

When we made our decision we got into a few "heated debates" on various forums (part of support websites etc) and occasionally in real life with people who had made the opposite decision to us. Having some distance from it it all seems so silly now, I don't know whether part of it was we all felt some suppressed guilt or we all just felt so strongly, but now that I'm older and wiser (ha) I just think that everyone makes the best decision they can in their own circumstances for their own child. It is annoying when people judge you not having been through the same thing themselves though.

Anyway I just wanted to mention it in case the same thing happens to you - you can see from here how it polarises opinion but generally the people who have made the decision but are some years on from it just support each other no matter what the decision was - if that makes sense!

What advantage is there to him having 12 fingers? What advantage is there to him being singled out as different on this basis?

Keep the two extra digits just because they are alive? If they impede the proper functioning of his hands then what is the point? Moreover, there are many growths internal and external to our bodies that are alive. We remove them because they are impediments or restrict our lives.

So if he had a fully functioning 3rd leg or arm, some of you would say keep it?

I wouldn't want to have 6 fingers personally. I can't think of a single advantage, and the world is geared to 5 so you would regularly come up against disadvantages, from gloves, to grips. Even our counting system is based on having 10 fingers, learning the piano is based on having 10 fingers.

It's not the end of the world, none of these disadvantages are insurmountable, and I agree that it's not immediately noticeable in any picture of someone with polydactyl hands that I've ever seen, and I may well have come across someone with 6 fingers and never noticed it, however if it was my child I would get the extra toes and fingers removed rather than waiting until teens/adulthood for them to make the decision for themselves.

I wouldn't criticise a parent that didn't, but I would privately be surprised, especially if the child was undergoing GA to get toes removed.

Are they fully functioning fingers with bones and evertything? Do they move like any other fingers? In that case, I would leave them. I find the tendency to avoid anything remotely diverse in children for fear of bullying quite worrying... do everyone have to be the same, cut with the same scissors, so to speak? I think parents should encourage their children to learn to fight their corner when it comes to bullying, rather than avoid the issue by doing and being the same as everyone else.
The toes could pose another kind of problem, such as shoes, and are -in my opinion- less important, so I would probably remove those.

CalamitouslyWrong - brilliant post about bullying, couldn't agree more

Seconded Thirded!

Also MaidOfStars's well-informed post.

And IceBeing's comment, yeah it is a total mystery where kids get the idea it is okay to mock and bully anyone who looks different isn't it.

The bizarre thing is - all you parents who say the child should definitely be changed - you'll be putting a fair amount of effort into teaching your own kids they are special & unique! It's not often you hear of loving parents praising their children as totally average & unremarkable, is it

It's attitudes like the ones Choc holds that perpetuates the problem for anyone whose children could be seen to be 'different'.

Difference should be celebrated. These kinds of attitudes should be stamped out and dealt with in our children.

These kinds of ideas need to die out.

I can't think of a single advantage,

Hula hoops!

I do wonder about phantom limb syndrome thing. Could this happen? I mean the child may have odd feelings his whole life if they were lopped off but I guess he'd never know any different.

I would be worried that doing anything requiring dexterity from simply learning to write through to musical instruments, diy, kitchen skills, anything remotely manual or crafty in terms of work or profession, would be very difficult to learn.
As a young child he will have NOBODY at all to model his writing grip on, he'll have to invent a way to do it himself and that will most likely slow down his learning to write. When we write with a pencil grip we have to fold our three extra fingers away, he'll have another one to work out where to put.
I would be worried about that...

On the feet, are you sure they wont' fit into shoes? I grew up knowing a kid with six toes on one foot, you almost couldn't tell till you counted them, other kids just thought it was weird but cool, but he could choose whether to show people or not.

bumchange the phantom limb thing usually arises when the person has had pain in the amputated limb for a long time and the pain pathways (for want of a better description) are messed up.

Oh. Please. Just remove them. He won't know any different at this age.

Remove them.

I would be so annoyed if my mum didn't.

I would remove them.

His toes, for practical reasons.

His fingers, because even though he shouldn't, he WILL most likely end up being picked on for it, and will probably want them removed anyway.

Best of luck with any decisions and operations xxx

Thank you again for your posts, some were more frank than others but I did ask for unvarnished opinions I suppose. However DS had 4 1/2 hours sleep in one session last night so I am feeling brilliant today.

Maidofstars, your post in particular made me smile, thank you. There are many others here who have given us beautiful comments and I really appreciate it.

I have decided to post a photo of my ds's hand, because looking around the Internet, there doesn't seem to be as much info out there as I'd hoped for, so future parents may find this useful. As you can see he has a joint and a nail, it's slightly smaller but looks quite unremarkable to me because it looks like an average finger.

It's amazing the funny things that have crossed our minds with ds's fingers and toes. For the pp who mentioned 'this little piggy', the extra piggy had Turkey in our house!

I disagree about learning to write. I'm one of many who rest the pen on my 4th finger, with two fingers on top. This may be 'wrong' but no-one ever tried to change this, as I write well. (I learned very young - 2yo.) He'll just curl two fingers over the pen, as I do.

Musical instruments, crafts & DIY tend to require holding things down simultaneously with different fingers. Two more digits for this would be a positive advantage.

I'm not trying to influence you, 24, just felt the need to advocate for my pov in the face of stiff competition!

Awww :) :) Thanks for the picture!

needabumchange I am thick. It took me ages to work out what extra digits make hula hooping easier.

Oh gosh..what a beautiful little hand..

Oh...hmmm..i think I had in my head that it would be obvious that the finger was 'weird'..it really isn't? Seeing the picture has made me stop and think my view.

Which finger would they remove?? Oh bless him. Bless you guys.

Could people saying remove them ( I understand that that is what you think you would do so don't have any problem with people saying that) but can you think about posting things like "he WILL most likely end up being picked on for it" etc, bear in mind there are some children whose differences couldn't be removed, or parents chose not to have them removed, and some of these parents are reading right now? Or people with physical differences themselves reading?

Some of this is awful and makes you wonder how many people would support eugenics.

They would remove the last finger on the left side (and the mirror image on the other side) if they were to remove his extra fingers.

His extra toes are on the little toe side too. They look more noticeable than his fingers.