To remove/not remove my child's fingers

[24digits]

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

Yeah, sadly I can read your posts.

Why would he feel like a freak show when he would be brought up knowing how lovely he is, just as he is?

You have no idea how he will feel. The word freak show is horrible.

no, it's not Choc

but congrats on poking this particular sleeping grizzly bear.
enjoy being eaten alive

Why is Choc's post horrid? I think it is a good insight into just how this DC will feel and will be referred to. Choc's post is a dose of reality.

Nickynacky is right that this is much more than bullying but do not underestimate the very high likelihood of bullying and the impact it may have. The dc's future happiness should now be treated as a lottery on the account that there is a small chance he will not be bullied. The world is a harsh place and we should everything that is within our power to mitigate any potential heartache.

it really is lunchtime
main course and dessert. lucky grizzly

I wouldn't remove the fingers. I see it as a choice the child should make for themselves when older. I also feel it was important to accept our child as they were, not change them surgically for aesthetic reasons.

I have faced a similar decision and it's amazing how you change your mind when you're actually faced with it, as prior to this I probably would have said remove. It's very very easy to give a view when it's not your child, but you can't possibly know what it feels like to actually have to make that decision for someone else. It changes you.

I asked my DS whether, if he had extra, perfectly functioning fingers, I should remove them. He was horrified that I'd be willing to take away something so potentially cool. He thought six working fingers on each hand would be brilliant.

I rather agree with him.

Probably feel differently about the toes, though, just because getting reasonably-priced, well-fitting shoes will always be a bugger otherwise. If that wasn't a problem then I'd leave them be.

I can't see the point in surgery to change something about a perfectly healthy body on the slight chance that some children (some, not all) might use it as an excuse to bully. Some children will use anything as an excuse to bully, and you can't cut off everything.

'Freak show' is horrible.That is exactly my point. Having a deformity being stared at by strangers feels horrible, I should imagine

archeryAnnie How old is your DS? I'll wager he is under 14

"Feeling like a freak show"

It may be hypothetical to you choc but these are our beloved children.

You can see where bullying children get it from, their parents.

You say freak show, I say my child is proud of their differences.

Friends had to deal with a similar (not the same, cosmetic but facial) issue. They decided to go ahead although the procedure was potentially risky. They reasoned that they would one day have to face their teenage child and tell him why they had chosen to leave him with a facial deformity that may or may not have caused him distress. They felt that they themselves would prefer to stick out from the crowd for other reasons, not for being different in a way that could have been changed. Their operation could only be done before age 1 so they had to make the decision quickly. They did some research (both are scentists) and chose to go ahead.

What would you say to 15 year old DS if you had made the choice you make and he disagrees? Try not to think of a tiny baby, but of an adult / teenager. How would they decide?

"I should imagine"

Well there you go, you're imagining. Try thinking this is real life for some people, and you're saying our children "feel like freak shoes"

Insensitive twat.

thing about being older though is the impact on their lives.

time off school, time out from sports teams, missed trips. what if other kids aren't so careful around him.

potential longer recovery times.

time off work. driving etc

expense of taking time off work to look after them (easier for grand parents or friends for instance to watch a baby who just eats and sleeps than run around after a toddler/school age child)

a baby can't walk and they don't wear shoes til they are walking so it's easier to keep feet clean if they aren't being used than try and stop a toddler running about who doesn't understand.

Show not shoe. I'm bowing out now.

OP I hope you make the decision as quickly and painlessly as you can and have confidence that whatever you decide, you are acting in the best interests of your child. Thisis the hard part of being a parent isn't it, makes choosing feeding methods and schools (for example) a walk in the park!

Choc, please would you shut the fuck up. Please.

I would remove them. As someone has already suggested, I can't see your DS being angry down the line if they are removed now ish (when he is too young to remember), but he may be upset later in life if you chose NOT to remove them.

Yes How do you know how your children will feel when they are older ?

I would remove them. It must be a horrible decision but my thinking is, we're all adults on here. We know that everybody is different. Not all children do. Sadly, some children won't have parents like the posters on here who will teach them about it. I wish everybody would accept that, yes it is acceptable to have a different skin colour/hair colour/etc, that somebody else's body may be different and no it's not acceptable to pick on them for it. But it doesn't happen, some people are fucking cruel

If he were my child, I would remove them. However, I know how easy it is to say you'd make that decision and how hard it is to make that decision.

but adults do just that...choose. For themselves.

choosing to chop bits off other peoples bodies to match your own idea of what is normal enough is ...well just astounding to me to be honest.

yes Will you kindly not swear at me?
It just shows that I am right and you have no argument (as well as poor articulation and manners)

Choc, they are older now actually. Chose not to have the OP, are happy and confident, never been bullied for it.

I imagine they know that I made the best choice I could and I imagine they are relieved they haven't got a parent who makes such insensitive, crass comments as you have made without giving thought to other people's feelings.

I can stand by my decision. Although it is harder when dealing with twats like you. I'm really out now as don't want to derail the thread, nicely done Choc.

ice where are you getting this idea that those of us are choosing to do it to make our child our idea of "normal"? I don't think any of us have said this.

Could you please stop using the phrase "chop off"? It's an operation, not removed with a pair of secateurs.

It's not about being Normal though is it.

You were shocked at ten show issue. why?

We need shoes. They are worn every day. The cost of having shoes made because high street shoes don't fit would be high. Some people couldn't afford that. especially when school shoes are already 40 pounds or more. and they need trainers and plimsolls and rugby/foot ball boots. wellies maybe walking boots.

are you going to pay?

and gloves for work and to keep warm. specially made at what cost?

its not trivial when it's going to potentially cost hundreds

I would do it.
It is not all that rare to be born extra digits.
It is a small operation, ( well it is for fingers).
A few people I know have had this done as babies; one had to have a second operation a few years later as she had the vestiges of one stump grow.
It is very rare to see anyone with extra digits now as they are routinely removed.

I wouldn't want six fingers on each hand so on that basis I would have the operation to removed them. That way its done and he wont even remember it. Presumably there are also practicalities to consider of having six fingers, like gloves. (though not as serious as the shoe issue)

If he's just a few weeks old you're probably still exhausted and emotional. Perhaps you'll feel more up to making a decision in a couple of months.

IceBeing its not my idea of 'normal', it is normal to have 5 fingers on each hand.