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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove/not remove my child's fingers

573 replies

24digits · 13/01/2015 22:41

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

OP posts:
Iamyourmil · 14/01/2015 11:49

Remove. Knew someone who had polydactyl and he was always trying to hide it.

CatCushion · 14/01/2015 11:50

Thanks, she is to me of course! Blush I won't mention the teenage stresses.

Bullies can change. We can change to accept the differences in ourselves and others.

Having said that, she is unusual and I'd think that most children wouldn't actually want 6 fingers if asked! It might depend how old they are. Grin Younger ones and older teenagers are likely to be more accepting.

The fact that the OP's future children could also have 24 digits would also make me want to wait. Having a sibling with the same thing would make it much easier.

There's clearly a gap in the market for six fingered latex gloves, too.

ExitPursuedByABear · 14/01/2015 11:51

What a fab post from maidofstars

PlantCurtain · 14/01/2015 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 12:00

So very glad there are now some other voices saying the solution to bullying is to stop bullies not to change children (surgically if necessary).

I am still quite astonished that it is legal to give consent for another person to undergo purely cosmetic surgery. Seriously, can anyone imagine consenting on behalf of another adult to have cosmetic surgery done?

MaidOfStars · 14/01/2015 12:02

I am still quite astonished that it is legal to give consent for another person to undergo purely cosmetic surgery

I think that's a rather simplistic view that fails to acknowledge the potential psychological impact of cosmetic differences.

Tyzer85 · 14/01/2015 12:02

I'd remove them, no questions asked.

Sallystyle · 14/01/2015 12:06

calamitously wrong- great post!

Please people, read her post again if you think bullying is a good reason to remove extra functional fingers.

Kids are more accepting these days for sure. When I was at school we had one child who was black and one child with a LD. These two children stood out, but now my children go to school with a great mix of children from different cultures . They have a lot of children with physical and learning disabilities; children in wheel chairs, children with physical disabilities, children with Aspergers and so on. They don't make a big deal out of it. Differences are more accepted now. People aren't bullied because they are different. They may bully the person for being different but I can guarantee that if that child wasn't different they would simply make something up to bully them over.

Someone mentioned above about dyeing a child's red hair. It's a good point. Should we dye red hair to stop our child getting bullied? Where do we draw the line? My children have been laughed at for having a last name that is also a food. There is always something.

I don't like the message that someone should change something functional about themselves just because it is not the norm and people may laugh at them.

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 12:07

Maid indeed...but there are potential psychological issues to finding out your parents thought you needed to be changed in order to fit in too....

Also many abnormalities cannot be fixed. Surely as a society we owe it to people who have no option to be different to embrace difference rather than make every who can be changed as uniform as possible?

kelda · 14/01/2015 12:08

It's not comestic surgery Hmm

Comestic and plastic surgery are not always the same thing.

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 12:09

By cosmetic I mean that the motivation is purely appearance.

IF it was to do with function then that would be different.

InanimateCarbonRod · 14/01/2015 12:12

I would do it. Kids can be so cruel so anything that makes their passage to adulthood easier.

BarbarianMum · 14/01/2015 12:13

I was bullied for having a squint at school (not one that adversly affects my eyesight luckily, but not one that can be helped with surgery either). A friend had only one eye (and a false one). By the logic of most posters on here my parents should have had my squinting eye removed and a synthetic one implanted to make me blend in more Hmm. Very glad they didn't and I'm sure if they had the bullies would have found something else to use against me (the bullying stopped at the exact point I stopped caring about it, aged 13).

Also interestingly, most of the arguments on here were the ones we were given when we chose an unusual first name for our son - he'll be bullied, need to fit in, bullshit, bullshit. To date (he's now 9) his name has been a total non-event amongst his peers, even though he's a small, bookish child so one would think 'ideal' bully fodder.

Anyway OP, my experience (not just based on the above) is that bullying happens for all sorts of reasons but mostly due to the personalities of the children involved and that many adults fear bullying far more than it actually happens. And that is just as likely to to be positive or neutral as negative. So in your position I would likely accept surgery for his feet for practical reasons but probably not for his hands, or certainly not solely to make him conform.

On a separeate note, I also think that if parents spent as much time teaching ther children to accept difference as they do trying to make them conform to the norm (with all the messages this gives) there would be a lot less bullying in schools and in adult life.

ChallyCreaks · 14/01/2015 12:16

I would do it too. My DS was born with 12 toes. They were more like skin tags attached to his baby toes but had a very small nail. At a week old, we went into hospital and they were literally snipped off without anaesthetic. It seemed barbaric at the time but it was over and done with in seconds and has healed well. I was warned the skin could grow back and cause problems but he is 5 now and this hasn't happened. Well one foot has a slight bump but doesn't cause any problems.

I would personally do it sooner rather than later too although I do completely understand the hesitation and the worry of the ga. Good luck with your decision.

ChocLover2015 · 14/01/2015 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 12:18

I think this discussion is focusing on the bullying possibility rather than the practical aspects. Like I say, bully didn't even feature on my radar when I decided to separate me daughters fingers. All these possibilities will help the op make her decision.

I love her fingers, they are quirky and I will miss it! People don't particularly notice anyway.

The gloves issue might seem minor but H and I both wear gloves for work as do many occupations. If I had a abnormality with my fingers I would struggle to do my job, so again that has featured heavily in my decision making.

It's an individual choice, some parents might choose the op and some won't. I certainly wouldn't criticise anyone who chooses not to.

Newrule · 14/01/2015 12:19

If the procedure will make the child's life easier, then I would recommend doing this. There are physical impediments to consider - writing, clothing, psychological (even absent bullying). Bullying is also very likely.

I would also ask, what possible benefit is there to your dc in not going through the procedure? I can't think of a convincing one.

ZingTheGreat · 14/01/2015 12:20

Choc

a freak show? wow, that's harsh and uncalled for.
Biscuit

Sallystyle · 14/01/2015 12:25

Disgusting Choc

Horrid post.

Sallystyle · 14/01/2015 12:25

It's not children the OP has to fear. It's adults like Choc.

ChocLover2015 · 14/01/2015 12:26

Zing could you please read what I have written.It isn't that difficult.I said ' feeling like a freak show' not being a freak show.
Very different

CrispyFern · 14/01/2015 12:27

I think I would leave them.

ChocLover2015 · 14/01/2015 12:27

Can none of you read?

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 12:28

yeah it is a total mystery where kids get the idea it is okay to mock and bully anyone who looks different isn't it Hmm

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 12:28

choc not its not different at all. I'm 100% sure my daughter wouldn't feel like a freak show if I didn't have her abnormality operated on.

It's a terrible thing to say, this is children we are talking about.

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