To remove/not remove my child's fingers

[24digits]

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

I'm surprised at the answers here - I don't think I would get them removed.

We're all different, kids are bullied whether they are anatomically normal or not - it really doesn't make a difference as it's the bully, not the child who does the choosing who to bully!

I'm also finding that kids these days are very, very accepting of others - they all have unusual names, they all come from different places, have different family setups, different heights, weights, hair and skin colours etc.

A couple of extra fingers or toes on a confident child really won't be a problem - obviously the challenge is raising the child themselves to be confident and proud of their differences rather than worried about them

I can see the thing about the shoes though - I have very short, very wide feet and finding shoes is enough of a pain (and I was often disappointed as a child), I imagine with extra toes it's going to be near impossible. However people have toes removed as adults, so perhaps it could be left until the child themselves can make an informed decision (assuming custom shoes can be made?)

Bullying will happen, it's a harsh fact of life. There was a boy in my DS's year at school and he had an extra finger, many children didn't mean to be horrible, but they had so many questions. His DM regretted not having it removed when he younger as it affects his writing and now he has decided that he wants it removed, but that means missing quite a big chunk of school and his DM is worried about how it will set him back in class.

As the hand grows it will become so much more obvious. Growing up and fitting in so hard anyway, why make it harder.

My DS has a hammer toe and curls over quite badly, he refuses to wear sandals or go barefoot anywhere, if I could have it corrected already I would done. No child is ever perfect, but if you can help, do it.

I worked with somebody years ago. Her baby had the same thing. As had she which I had never noticed before because the finger had been taken off. If it was me I'd certainly have it done. But I agree with speaking to other people who have experienced this.

We're all different, kids are bullied whether they are anatomically normal or not - it really doesn't make a difference as it's the bully, not the child who does the choosing who to bully!

of course we know this. NOW. as adults.

as a 5/6 ur old kid however.....

being the source of ridicule over a physical issue- nasty.

being the victim of forced friendships in attempts from teachers to stop the bullying- well that sucks too. makes you feel like teachers think your sodding stupid.

on a confident child sure.

But not all kids are.

And we do not account for every parent. my children would not see the outside of their bedroom in weeks if I ever found out they had joined in with or instigated any form of bullying or ridiculing. I'd be more ashamed than you could imagine.

but that's me. and that's you lot. that's not every one.

and adults can't be everywhere all the time.

and the shoe thing is not a trivial matter either. take it from someone who spent hours of their life In shops. who spent days in tears at monstrosities and hideous items I had to wear.
It matters as a kid more than you think. even if people are accepting.

We're all different, kids are bullied whether they are anatomically normal or not - it really doesn't make a difference as it's the bully, not the child who does the choosing who to bully!

I agree, this is completely true, but bullies are far more likely to target someone with such an obvious deformity as 12 fingers and toes. It's not fair but it's the reality. Surely a parent would want to prevent their child from being a target if they can help it?

Yes I would remove without a doubt and as soon as possible.

I went to school with a girl who had partial extra fingers - they looked more like little buds than anything and she was really pretty and clever yet still bullied mercilessly and called 'alien'. She was left with real hang ups even after she had the op as a teen.

Mental anguish is much harder to recover from than a physical operation I think.

The problem is, it's very hard to find other people with the same thing.

The posters on this thread are talking about people whose extra fingers have not been functioning.

If that was the case for the OP, her decision would be far easier.

But her son's extra fingers are fully functioning, and that is incredibly rare, and will be hard to find someone with the exact same experience.

It sounds like you have a year or so to make your minds up, and to see how the digits develop, so I wouldn't feel too bad if you find yourself unabe to make a decision yet, or changing your minds frequently for a while longer.

Just enjoy your perfect and healthy baby and stay open minded - you'll make a decision when you're ready.

I would personally wait to see how the toes develop, and whether there is any cause for concern re: walking. I would hope that specialist shoes and gloves etc would be obtainable, at a cost yes, but obtainable nonetheless.

I would think if the fingers especially continue to develop and be fully functioning, they may be a wonderful addition (if they don't affect writing) - your DS may be an absolute musical/keyboard whiz or an artistic genius!

Exactly myfabulous - bullying at a young age can lead to long term confidence issues that can affect a person's whole life from issues such as relationships through to general self belief in themselves and what they are capable of.

I had a fully formed toe removed from my right foot at around 6 months old, all I have as a reminder is a small scar, a straight "little" toe and a photograph.
My parents went for removal as they were advised that getting me shoes would be harder.
The only real issue I have is that as my little toe is not curved like my left toe I occasionally get a corn along the scar but in the grand scale of things its pretty minor.
I'm not going to say do it or don't as only you have that choice but from someone whose parents had to make a 1/4 of your decision I personally am glad they went for removal as shoe buying only takes slightly longer to take into account the straight toe rather than the extra toe.
Oh and I'm the eldest of 5 and was the only one born with anything extra

I would have the toes done because of the problem with shoes in the future, as it appears to be 2 separate operations, I would see how it goes after the toes have been done and also to see how the fingers are growing/he uses them, if he needs the fingers doing also.

Yes I would - I noticed your post OP re plaster

My DS had his leg in plaster at 14 months - he doesnt remember at all. He just got on with things. Try to remember they dont know any different at that age and cope better than we do. They can put waterproof ones on for children I think - they are different to heavy adults ones.

I think school life can be tough enough - as parents we try to minimise any potential or them to get hurt an teach them coping mechanisms where needed.

Try to think past the operation - best wishes for you and your LO.

A friend of mines DD was born with a birth defect affecting her feet which definitely affected walking, and has been in and out of hospital with various operations (although these weren't necessary early on) and requiring plasters and a wheel chair at times. She has not been bullied but celebrated in school for her bravery and has coped brilliantly with it all.

I think I would try to check out how well the schools your DS is likely to attend, deal with bullying as tbh, as how it's dealt with can determine how badly a victim will be affected.

I am surprised at some of the answers.
If you have ever been in a modern classroom, there are all sorts of kids. Some are a bit different, some disabled, some not, just quirky.
The kids really don't bully in the way you all seem to think. Kids are much more accepting than you lot!

By that logic, every red head should dye their hair, every glasses wearer have corrective surgery, every child with Downs have surgery to make them look 'normal'

My niece has a massive birthmark on her face. She has had a lot of laser treatment, but the birthmark is still there and not going to go away. All her friends just accept it. She doesn't get odd looks or remarks in the street. When she started secondary, she had a nervous first day, but the kids just accepted it.

OP, the decision is yours, but either way I think your ds will grow up dealing with it according to your attitude and response, rather than anything else.

The bullying thing is neither here nor there. Whether you remove the extra digits or not, the child may or may not be bullied. You can't know and you can't operate to 'save' your child from bullying. And what if you had them removed and then find that the child is bullied and the teasing is over the scars from the operation?

Bullying isn't really about extra fingers, or ginger hair, or glasses. It's about power relations within a peer group and processes of social exclusion. It's perfectly possible to have extra fingers, ginger hair and thick glasses and never be bullied, just as you can have no obvious features or characteristics that mark you as 'different' and still be bullied mercilessly. You also can't predict what will be viewed as 'different' in particular classes or schools.

Yes, bullying can cause real and long lasting psychological distress, but eliminating any kind of physical difference won't actually prevent bullying.

I think the decision here is more about whether or not it will impede the OP's child in life, not about whether or not their peer group might bully them. If we were to try to eliminate the risk that our children would be bullied, we'd simply have to not have children.

What a quandary.

I remember a friend of a friend from my childhood who had this. I know it's an awful thing to say but I was nervous about playing with her at first. Until I saw she had the latest Sindy doll...!
But it struck me that it's one of things that I can still remember clearly from my childhood.

I asked my nearly 9 year old son what he thought. He said he would be 90% in favour of removal. He'd want to feel and look as normal as possible. I wouldn't say he was a particularly self conscious child either.

I asked him because I really don't know what I would do in your situation.

Congratulations on your bundle of joy, by the way.

Congratulations on the birth of your son.
In your position I would go ahead to save my ds any bullying later on, kids are unpleasant as times about anything different or that they don't understand.

I can see no advantage to keeping the extra digits.

calamitously wrong - brilliant post about bullying, couldn't agree more

Years ago when I was in daycare we had a little boy with a similar thing. He had his removed as a baby, left no scar you wouldn't know they had been there. It may cause issues buying gloves and shoes and even holding pens, pencils. Personly I would want them removed as life is hard enough and it's such a simple procedure.

I don't see the need to hurry this operation. Go back to the surgeon armed with a list of questions and find out why exactly he feels it should be done before 2. Or even why it has to be done at all.... if they don't cause any medical problems why even remove them?

If it were a friend/family member of mine asking for advice I would go with the wait and see attitude. Just how much function the fingers have will be a deciding factor for me. If they are fully functioning I would leave them. Can not honestly see why you would remove them otherwise.

I don't understand the stress on creating children who are all the same. I raised my now adult children to embrace differences. I made sure they attended a primary school that was multi-religous, mixed sexes, no uniform for exactly this reason. They had friends from all races, and from all abilities - children with downs were just accepted as their class mates. I don't see how a child with extra fingers would not be accepted as himself.

I do think it will take a little bit of extra effort on your behalf for him to accept himself as he is ... but from your post I don't forsee any issue there.

My DD has a comparitively rare 'hidden' illness. She's been bullied and teased and judged on and off by children in various schools her whole life. I used to say that I was praying for her illness to be taken from her, even given to me instead. She asked me to stop. She accepts it as a part of who she is. She wanted me to accept her for who she is, that's what she needed. It is so much a part of her journey in life, she doesn't expect or even want its removal (what will be will be) because learning how to manage with it has made her so much of what she has become and who she has become. She is stronger, more mature, has better problem solving, social, leadership and team player skills as a result. She has learned how to deal with bullies and ignorance. She has privately supported many other children while they come to accept their various unchangeable differences and accept themselves, deal with being bullied at school or ostracised at home, helped them tell others about it, in some ways under much harder circumstances than her own.

She would welcome having six fingers too!

It's much easier to deal with something so visual in some ways. As many people have said, it doesn't have to be treated as a deformity, it can be accepted as a part of who he is.

your dd sounds fab cat

It isn't just about bullying. It can be occasional teasing, or constant questions which are innocent taking in isolation but bloody annoying when all added up, "friendly" banter which, again, in isolation is fine but builds up.

My issue was a silly name. It destroyed me as a child and was a hindrance well into adulthood. I can not put into words what a relief it was to change my name upon marriage and the difference it has made. The damage to my confidence has been done though - I wasn't shy until I started primary school and the teasing started.

Again, hard to say when it hasn't happened to me but I am quite sure I would want to go ahead with the op if it my child. Do I think he will be bullied in the future if not? Yes, I am afraid I do. Good luck with your decision.

OP, I work in medical developmental genetics (and study things like polydactyly) so coming at this from a pseudo-clinical POV.

Firstly, try not to take to heart questions about a potential familial relationship between you and your DH. It's a standard question when assessing children with genetic anomalies. Answers are used to guide future counselling etc, and may highlight the precise nature of the genetic anomaly, but it carries no judgement.

Secondly, in my opinion, the foot surgery is a no-brainer.

Thirdly, to echo another poster upthread, does he really have a fully-formed and functional extra digit (including metacarpals - the bones under the back of your hand)? This would be called Type A ulnar polydactyly, and would be more complicated to surgically correct than a simple "extra nubbin", requiring bone reshaping, transfer of muscle tissue, moving ligaments etc. My reading suggests that this operation is best done early.

It's a really tough choice. I tend to agree that in day-to-day life, most people won't notice. It took me more than three years to notice that a school friend of mine had a missing finger (I was about 14 when I first realised, and obviously it was a non-issue in social terms). And yes, children can be cruel. But also, they are remarkably accepting of difference in most cases, more matter of fact than adults might be. A lot of education (and our world) is to the base 10, possibly because 10 fingers is the most common number, so there will likely be a lot of stuff that your DC will have to adapt to, because it simply won't occur to people to adapt for him. His nine times table, where you put the finger down that corresponds to the multiplier and count the fingers to the left (tens) and fingers to the right (units) might require a workaround .

Of course, many clever maths people think that a duodecimal system, to the base 12, is far better than our decimal system. It is definitely the base of computing, so your son is symbolic of the future of civilisation right there. Polydactyly is seen in some cultures as a symbol of supernatural power, so he could well be a god in some countries. And finally, given the extreme usefulness of our fingers in the evolution of humans, maybe polydactyly is the way forward, and he's a more highly-evolved being than us Five Fingers (nobody bite, I know that's not the way evolution works...).

I came here to say operate and remove, but I think I've talked myself over to the other side.